October 29, 1999.
Web Posted at: 9:08 pm UTC
The IRS recently told Congress that it has experienced some “trouble spots” in preparing for the Y2K computer problem, in which a coding glitch could cause older computers and software to mistake the year 2000 as 1900 come Jan. 1, although it is working on contingency plans.
They've already calculated the penalty and interest payments that all taxpayers would owe on one hundred years of unpaid taxes.
October 28, 1999.
Web Posted at: 6:58 pm UTC
Lawyers for former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith asked a judge Wednesday to award her up to $820 million from the estate of her late husband, Texas oil baron Howard Marshall, who died at age 89 in 1995 after a 14-month marriage to Smith.
If she's awarded the money, the Guinness Book of World Records is ready to name Ms. Smith the world's highest priced prostitute.
The dress that screen siren Marilyn Monroe wore to sing a breathy “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” to President John F. Kennedy recently sold for $1,267,500, smashing the record for an item of clothing at auction.
This is higher than the price expected to be fetched for the dress worn by Monica Lewinsky when she sang a throaty "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to President William J. Clinton, since it's not stained.
October 25, 1999.
Web Posted at: 5:00 pm UTC
Harrison Ford crash-landed his helicopter during a training flight but emerged unhurt.
He's getting old; probably thought he was flying the “Millennium Falcon” and tried to put it into hyperdrive.
Brazil has asked for help from NASA to rescue a satellite that lost contact days after being jointly launched with China last week.
NASA scientists were confident that they could locate the lost satellite now that they're equipped with new "Trapper Keeper" notebooks, which have miles-to-kilometers conversion charts on the inside flap.
Larry King, and his wife, Shawn, are expecting their second child in June. King also has three grown children from one of his previous marriages. “Larry's thinking of hiring himself out as a stud service,” the current Mrs. King told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
If that means that he'll retire for good to some farm in Kentucky, then I'm all for it.
Actually, hiring himself out as a stud shouldn't be too foreign for old Larry, since women usually need to be strapped down to have intercourse with him and money often changes hands after the deed is done.
Muslim airport cabbies in Washington, D.C. say the space provided at Reagan National Airport is a noisy, inappropriate spot unsuitable for prayer.
The cabbies are the ones who should be required to provide adequate prayer space for their passengers who put their lives on the line when they ride with those guys.
The cabbies are also unhappy with a small bathroom in which they perform washing rituals before they pray.
Again, I'd say it's the cabbies' passengers who need the bathrooms to clean up in after riding in those motorized garbage cans.
Ronsangels.com, a Web site run by fashion photographer and Arabian horse breeder Ron Harris, is auctioning off the eggs of beautiful models. Harris said the site is aimed at parents who want good-looking babies — and who would pay up to $150,000 for the privilege.
For an extra $50,000, those parents will also get a baby who can win, place or show at the Kentucky Derby.
October 21, 1999.
Web Posted at: 4:24 pm UTC
Former Cabinet secretary Elizabeth Dole says lack of money has forced her to shut down her campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.
Dole's husband Bob was extremely disappointed to hear the news; reportedly, when he was first informed of her decision he "went limp".
Ernestine Bradley recently campaigned for her husband Bill at an event in Rhode Island dubbed "Bradley and Bagels."
This event was reportedly a lot more successful than the one Tipper Gore recently appeared at to campaign for her husband Al called "Gore and Grape Nuts."
A Massachusetts man has filed suit against Wal-Mart claiming his Viagra prescription was mistakenly filled with an arthritis drug.
Once he gets his impotence problem cleared up, he'll have no trouble opening those condom packets!
Global warming threatens devastation, WWF says
Watch "WWF Smackdown!" this Thursday to see how Devastation handles the Global Warming threat.
Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight failed to report that he accidentally shot a companion while hunting without a license, Wisconsin authorities said. Knight will be cited for failure to report a hunting accident and will receive two citations for hunting without a license in 1998 and 1999.
I guess that makes it a three-citation shot.
October 20, 1999.
Web Posted at: 3:31 pm UTC
Nicholas White was heading out of Rockefeller Center in midtown Manhattan for a cigarette break Friday night when a power voltage dip stopped the elevator, causing him to be trapped alone for 40 hours.
Not only did White emerge uninjured, but he was also cured of his nicotine habit after going 39 hours and 59 minutes without a smoke.
October 19, 1999.
Web Posted at: 10:50 pm UTC
Live on the Air with Creepy Steve
Performed Live on air 10/17/99, Salem (MA) State College Radio WMWM FM 91.7 with my friend Creepy Steve.
Creepy: “Ok, we’ve got a caller on line 1. Go ahead, you’re on the air.”
Chumworth: “Hello? Is this Steve?”
Creepy: “Yes caller, go ahead, we’re listening…”
Chumworth: “Oh, great! I’m a long time listener, first time caller…”
Creepy: “Yes, very good. What’s on your mind tonight?”
Chumworth: “Steve, listen…”
Creepy: “Yes, caller I’m listening. Go ahead…”
Chumworth: “Steve, listen, I was out at the ‘Boston Beer Works’ on Friday and who walks in but Pedro Martinez! I could not believe it!”
Creepy: “Pedro Martinez? At the ‘Boston Beer Works’?”
Chumworth: “Yeah! I couldn’t believe it; I turned around and there he was! But, you know, he’s much shorter in real life than he looks on TV. And a lot fatter too.”
Creepy: “Shorter and fatter? You sure that was Pedro Martinez?”
Chumworth:“Of course! He had the jersey on.”
Creepy: “So, lemme get this straight…Some short, fat guy walks into the ‘Boston Beer Works’ with a Pedro Martinez jersey on, and you think he’s the real thing?”
Chumworth: “Well, yeah…. What are you saying?… That just anybody can go out and buy a Pedro Martinez jersey?!”
Creepy: “Um, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying….”
Chumworth: “Oh…” (long pause) “…Well no wonder he only charged me $10 for his autograph!”
October 18, 1999.
Web Posted at: 5:45 pm UTC
Muhammad Ali says he wants to get back into the ring one more time.
He’s going to fight Michael J. Fox for the right to take on the winner of the Janet Reno-Pope John Paul match.
British police guarded pop superstar Madonna when she arrived at London's Heathrow airport Sunday amid reports that a threat had been made against her.
Fortunately, Diana Ross was nowhere to be found.
October 15, 1999.
Web Posted at: 6:35 pm UTC
The Who will perform for the first time in more than two years when they appear at a corporate event in Las Vegas later this month.
They'll be featuring a version of "My Generation" with new lyrics: "Hope I die before I can't sell out any more".
They've also renamed "Magic Bus" to "Magic Elder Shuttle".
Comic actress Ellen DeGeneres and her partner Anne Heche are hoping tie the knot in Vermont.
They're thinking of going with a Sheep Shank knot, but haven't ruled out a Fisherman's knot.
Heche claims she was “not gay before I met Ellen.”
That's interesting because Ellen wasn't funny before she met Heche... and she still isn't!
Heche will be starring opposite Ed Harris in the upcoming religious drama “The Third Miracle.”
The fact that she's still getting acting jobs should be called "The Biggest Miracle".
October 14, 1999.
Web Posted at: 4:44 pm UTC
FOX has ordered six episodes of a new game show titled “Greed” which could have a $2 million payoff. It has no host or format yet, but it's said to be reminiscent of “Family Feud.”
This version, however, will be a little more realistic then the old "Family Feud"; contestants will try to convince grandpa to write other family members out of the will.
CBS has created a new game show called “Survivor” which will put 16 contestants on a remote island in the South China Sea to compete in games of endurance for a $1 million prize.
The fist test of endurance will be watching "The Early Show" with Bryant Gumbel. That way CBS is ensured of winning the morning show ratings war in at least one market.
October 13, 1999.
Web Posted at: 6:18 pm UTC
Bernard Lewinsky, Monica's father, is demanding an apology from the makers of the NBC drama “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,” in which a character recently described an oral sex act as “getting a Lewinsky.”
"Law & Order" producer Dick Wolf refused to apologize and said that Mr. Lewinsky would "get no sympathy from me."
Mr. Lewinsky is going to be really unhappy with HBO, which is renaming its series "Sex in the City" to "Lewinsky in the City".
Mick Jagger has moved back in with former wife Jerry Hall but they're not living as husband and wife.
They should be much better off now, since Mick seems to think that "living as husband and wife" means getting young French models pregnant and sleeping with David Bowie.
October 8, 1999.
Web Posted at: 7:47 pm UTC
Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor of California.
He gave up the idea when his handlers told him that his campaign strategy of dressing up like 'the Terminator' and going door to door to saying "You will vote for me" was probably illegal.
October 5, 1999.
Web Posted at: 3:33 pm UTC
In a recent Playboy interview Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura called organized religion “a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people.”
He then added that if the Catholic Church added more "guys in tights and well endowed chicks" they might really have something.
He also said that disorganized religion was for "weak-minded people who are really stupid".
October 1, 1999.
Web Posted at: 10:11 pm UTC
Pizza Hut announced Thursday it would pay the cash-starved Russian space agency about half the price of a 30-second TV ad during the Super Bowl — currently up to $2.5 million — for the right to paint its logo on a Russian Proton rocket.
This should really help Pizza Hut gain the upper hand over their pizza delivery competitors. While Dominos can guarantee 30 minute delivery to your house, Pizza Hut will be able to guarantee 5 minute delivery to China!
At the rate the Russians are going, pretty soon they'll be holding car washes at the local 'Shell' station to raise cash for the space program. Or cosmonauts will be selling candy bars door-to-door. Or Russian scientists will begin panhandling at intersections with coffee cans that say "Help Pay for a Russian's Trip into Orbit".
Skating's bad girl Tonya Harding is scheduled to make her professional debut next month at the Pro Skating Championships.
In response, competition organizers are considering using a penalty box for the first time in the history of the figure skating.
It should be interesting to see how she gets along with the other skaters, considering what she did to Nancy Kerigan when there wasn't any prize money on the line.
She's planning on entering the pairs competition with retired NHL enforcer Dave 'The Hammer' Schulz.