November 29, 1999.
Web Posted at: 7:13 pm UTC
A Canadian tourist, who claims that his penis was crushed by a faulty toilet seat at a Starbucks Corp. restaurant, has sued the giant coffee retailer for $1.5 million. Edward Skwarek was in a seated position on the toilet when he turned to retrieve the toilet paper in back of the seat when the seat shifted causing his penis to be caught and crushed between the seat and the bowl. The suit claims that as a result of his injuries, Mr. Skwarek is now infertile.
Chalk up another one for Darwin's Theory of Evolution.
November 24, 1999.
Web Posted at: 4:27 pm UTC
Vice President Al Gore declared Democratic orthodoxy is “in my heart” as he methodically courted key constituencies driving his bid for the nomination. “I feel it in my bones,” Gore said.
A Gore spokesman later said that what the vice-president had actually felt was just "a little gas".
US Airways flight attendants are raising the threat of a holiday season strike after negotiations stalled in a long-running contract dispute with the airline.
It wasn't easy but US Airways has finally lined up some replacements for these highly skilled workers should they strike: organ grinder monkeys.
In fact, the airline is considering hiring the monkeys as full time replacements since they come with their own uniforms.
November 23, 1999.
Web Posted at: 3:36 pm UTC
Richard Simmons low-rated syndicated show, “Richard Simmons' Dreammaker,” will end its run on January 14. "I have decided to move on — returning instead to my daily mission of tending to the dire needs of the country's ever-growing obese population,” Simmons said.
He's going to first tend to the needs of less fortunate obese people by handing out free Thanksgiving dinners — with triple helpings.
November 19, 1999.
Web Posted at: 11:19 pm UTC
Oscar-winning comedian Roberto Benigni will be dining with President Clinton and European leaders meeting in Florence this weekend. Benigni's attendance will be sure to inject a crazy note of chaos into the otherwise relatively staid gathering. When he won his Oscar, Benigni kissed everyone in sight. Benigni also once planted a kiss on the lips of Walter Veltroni, who heads Italy's Democrats of the Left party, and called European Commission president Romano Prodi “terrifyingly erotic.”
He and President Clinton should get along quite well. Benigni can sexually harass the European leaders and Clinton can harass their wives.
November 18, 1999.
Web Posted at: 9:35 pm UTC
The Softer Side of Al
Al Gore appears throughout as a large rock, always wearing a dark suit.
Tipper Gore narrates.
Shot of Tipper’s head; there’s a cornfield behind her; she’s smiling.
Hi, my name is Tipper….
Shot cuts to a wider shot of Tipper and Al, almost “American Gothic”-like.
…and my husband Al is running for President of the United States.
Shot of Tipper with arm around Al, smiling at camera.
Some people say he’s stiff and boring…
Cut to shot of Tipper smooching side of Al’s head, i.e. the rock.
…but I say they just don’t know the real Al.
Shot of Al standing at Vice-Presidential podium.
He’s so much more than just a dynamic leader.
Shot lingers for a few seconds, crickets in background.
Shot of Tipper pulling out chair at desk.
He’s got a terrific sense of humor
Tipper sits in chair; sound of woopee cushion. She turns and shot cuts to Al standing there. Tipper smiles and shakes her head and says “Oh Al….”.
Shot of Al at party wearing lamp shade; beer bottle resting on top of rock.
He’s always the life of the party
Other drunken party goers in shot laugh “Al, you are one wild man!”.
Shot of some guys playing hoops.
He’s a great athlete.
Shot cuts to ball ricocheting off of Al, into basket; teammates run to him, sing parises, “Great shot, Al!”; one guy bumps chests with Al.
Shot of Al at dinner table with family, napkin around neck.
He’s a wonderful father
Cut to shot a couple of times to kids faces and Tipper’s face, looking lovingly at Al.
Shot of Al and Tipper cuddling on couch.
He’s a loving, caring husband
Tipper sniffs and wipes away tear and says “Oh, Al, you always know just what to say!”.
Shot of Al and Tipper in bed; Al sitting up in bed, still wearing suit.
And he’s a magnificent lover
Tipper lying back, smoking a cigarette; she sighs “Oh God, Al, you are soooo good!”.
Back to shot of Tipper and Al in field.
So you see, there really is a softer side of Al. Come and see for yourself….
Tipper grabs Al’s jacket sleeve and starts to romp playfully through the fields. Al falls flat on his face. Tipper turns and looks down at Al, concerned at first, then she stops and puts hands on hips, shakes head, smiles and says “Oh Al, such a kidder…”.
Paid for by the “Friends of Gore; He Ain’t No Bore” committee.
November 18, 1999.
Web Posted at: 4:27 pm UTC
New York developer Donald Trump recently launched a campaign Web site run by Gov. Jesse Ventura's Web master in another sign of their allegiance and Trump's presidential intentions.
The reason for the allegiance has finally come to light: if Trump becomes president, he's going to make it legal to bet on professional wrestling.
Charles M. Schulz, the creator of the beloved “Peanuts” comic strip, was resting comfortably on Wednesday after emergency surgery for a blocked abdominal aorta, associates said.
Luckily, Snoopy gave him a good deal on some Met Life health insurance.
British rock star Sir Elton John threatened to cancel a concert in Winnipeg this week after Canadian Customs took two hours to process his five-person entourage. The city's openly gay mayor, Glen Murray, stepped in and calmed the waters by providing a police escort for John's limousine and making him an honorary citizen of Winnipeg.
However, it wasn't until Murray also agreed to a candlelit dinner with Sir Elton that John agreed to go ahead with the concert
November 17, 1999.
Web Posted at: 7:14 pm UTC
The Treasury Department has new $5 greenbacks on the way which feature a makeover for Abraham Lincoln.
The change was a result of lobbying efforts by Lincoln supporters to revamp the former President's image. The new bills will feature a beefier, shirtless, "alpha male" Lincoln.
November 16, 1999.
Web Posted at: 6:03 pm UTC
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince has changed his name again, this time to simply The Artist, claiming that God told him to do it.
Too bad God didn't tell him to change his name to The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Who Threw Himself Off of The Empire State Building.
November 15, 1999.
Web Posted at: 5:43 pm UTC
Brandy, the Grammy-winning singer and star of the sitcom “Moesha,” was recently hospitalized for dehydration.
Graham Rye the president of the James Bond International Fan Club has written a book called “The James Bond Girls”, in which he waxes lyrical about "Pussy Galore" and the other women who tempted and targeted the spy over four decades.
That's probably not the only thing he's been "waxing".
A divorced couple couldn't agree on how to split their Beanie Baby collection, so a judge ordered them to divide up the babies one by one in a courtroom. Maple the Bear was the first to go, as a few people in the gallery snickered.
The last Beanie Baby to go was Monica the Cow, which comes in a stained blue dress.
Julianna Margulies has turned down about $27 million to return for two more seasons of “ER.”
In light of this, show producers are thinking of trading her to "Chicago Hope" for Adam Arkin and Mandy Patinkin before her contract runs out.
Hoping to tap into the popularity of live events broadcast on the Internet, Playboy plans to simulcast live on the Web and on its cable channel a slew of Playmates during its first “Playboy Lingerie Fashion Show.”
What they're really trying to tap into here is the popularity of scantily clad Playboy Playmates.
Most guys will only be tuning in for "the commentary", no doubt.
November 12, 1999.
Web Posted at: 2:19 pm UTC
Michael Jackson has agreed to portray the title character in the indie film “The Nightmare of Edgar Allen Poe.”
Michael Jackson would be better suited to play "The Nightmare" than "Edgar Allan Poe".
After several years of work, a group called The Millennium Expedition to Mount Everest recently announced that Mount Everest is actually 7 feet higher than the altitude officially recognized for 45 years.
All those dead bodies are really starting to pile up.