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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
January 31, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:54 pm UTC

Charles Brown, a 38-year-old California man, was put under psychiatric evaluation, along with his wife and children, after telling neighbors they planned to leave Earth — and then piling trash and their belongings in the center of their living room.

He said that Pigpen made them do it

The evaluation is taking place at Lucy's 5-cent psychiatric booth, in an effort to defray some of the cost.

Jane Pauley says she might owe her career in television journalism to the “Mary Tyler Moore” show.

She also said she might owe it to plain old dumb luck, she isn't sure which.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 28, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:37 pm UTC

Tom Osborne, who coached the University of Nebraska to three national football championships, announced Thursday he's running for Congress. “I don't think this is an ego trip,” Osborne said at a news conference with his family. “It would be a lot easier to go fishing.” 

Who cares about the serving the public so long as there's good fishing!

He should love the fishing in Washington; I hear the carp are really biting in the Reflecting Pool.

American Airlines recently adopted a policy allowing pilots who are too tired to fly to beg off a flight without penalty. 

It has to be a pretty good begging job, though, or there will be a significant penalty.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:39 pm UTC

NASA thinks that a mysterious faint signal picked up by a radio dish at Stanford University might be from the Mars Polar Lander.

Turns out it was really the sound of a gathering of Orin Hatch for President supporters.

President Bill Clinton hopes to defy historical precedent Thursday with an ambitious State of the Union address that he hopes will put to rest the phrase “lame duck.”

He's hoping to coin a new phrase, "dame luck."

An administration aides says Clinton will outline an ambitious new agenda. “This is not going to sound like somebody looking backward,” she said.

Unless a hot babe walks past.

He also is expected take some of the credit for the nation's robust economy.

He'll also take credit for a recent study in which it was shown that Americans lead the world in the average number of sex partners.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 26, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:57 pm UTC

A powerful winter storm closed down the U.S. government for two days this week, the 9th and 10th such shutdowns since 1987.

Coincidentally, these were the government's 9th and 10th most productive days since 1987.

Experts say a lacquered aluminum record from the 1930s could contain Frank Sinatra's first recording as a solo artist. The recording, made by amateur musician Walter Costello, features Sinatra singing “Roses of Picardy,” accompanied by Costello on the accordion. 

The song is going to be released later in the year as part of a new compilation of Sinatra rarities called "The Polka Years."

Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he has sold his interest in the troubled Planet Hollywood restaurant chain.

In response, the Planet Hollywood has removed all of Arnold's memorabilia from it's restaurants, including all of his old "Mr. Universe" thongs which, it turns out, were driving away a lot of customer in the first place!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:32 pm UTC

Republican George W. Bush and Democrat Al Gore were the big winners in the recent Iowa caucuses.

The biggest winners in Iowa must've been the cocaine and marijuana dealers who got to supply the Bush and Gore victory celebrations.

Millionaire publisher Steve Forbes, who finished second in the GOP field, described himself as a successful father who had shepherded four of his five daughters through their crucial teen-age years.

His fifth daughter didn't make it through these years after Forbes "shepherded" her to her senior prom.

Speaking of his third-place finish, conservative talk show host and former ambassador Alan Keyes told CNN, “I think it will indicate that there are a lot of people in Iowa and around the country who will believe in the message of moral principles.” 

I think it indicates that there are a lot of people in Iowa with a sense of humor.

Meanwhile, Arizona Sen. John McCain, who didn't campaign for the Iowa caucuses, finished in fifth place among Republican candidates with 5 percent of the vote.

He spent all of his time campaigning in New Jersey, thinking his handlers had said 'Secaucus'.

An upbeat Bill Bradley, who finished a distant second in the race among Democrats, congratulated Gore for his victory, and said though he was bloodied by Gore in the caucuses, he was unbowed. 

He was even more upbeat earlier in the evening, after his aides jokingly told him he'd beaten Gore, until he suffered another irregular heartbeat episode from all the excitement.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:06 am UTC

Barbara Streisand says that she is giving up her concert career and that her two much heralded New Year's Eve performances in Las Vegas, for which she was paid more than $5 million, were her “swan song.” “I just don't like it. I don't enjoy public performances being up on a stage,” the 57-year-old star said. 

You'd think she could show a little more gratitude to the people that paid to see her. I'm surprised she didn't just spit on the audience.

Streisand also added “I don't enjoy the glamour. Like tonight I am up on stage and my feet hurt,” she said.

Is it any wonder her feet hurt having to support that nose and that ego at the same time?

Streisand says that she wants to concentrate on directing films.

Thank god! Now maybe she'll finally make "Yentil 2"!

Republican presidential candidates Steve Forbes, Gary Bauer and Alan Keyes recently attended a rally in Des Moines, Iowa for “family, faith and freedom.” 

They should've called it a rally for "family, faith, freedom and fascists.”

At the rally, all three candidates criticized Republican frontrunner George W. Bush for not attending. 

I don't get it; are we supposed to hold that against him?

Sen. Connie Mack, R-Florida, is expected to introduce a bill that would grant 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez, the focus of an international custody between the United States and Cuba, instant U.S. citizenship.

Good thinking. That way, we can make Elian pay taxes on the sale of his life story to "NBC."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:05 pm UTC

Democratic Presidential candidate Bill Bradley says that his irregular heartbeat will have "no effect on the race."

This heart problem is probably a plus in a presidential candidate. That way we know he won't be fooling around with young interns for fear of keeling over and dying from too much excitement.

Cyberspace cult hero Kevin David Mitnick was recently released from prison after serving five years for illegally hacking into the computers of such companies as Nokia, Motorola and Sun Microsystems.

Federal authorities originally thought that he had been sentenced to a longer term, but since the computer said his time was up, they had to let him out.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:24 pm UTC

Nebraska Senator Bob Kerrey has announced that he won't seek election to a third term in the U.S. Senate.

He's gotten tired of being confused with fellow Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts, who is married to ketchup heiress Teresa Heinz. In particular, he's tired of being asked by his Senate colleagues to explain the difference between “ketchup” and “catsup.”

Actor Michael J. Fox, who is quitting his hit show “Spin City'' to fight Parkinson's disease, says in a television interview that he wanted to depart the series on his own terms, before the illness debilitated him.

Actually, he's quitting the show before Heather Locklear's acting debilitates him.

South Carolina Gov. Jim Hodges said that it was time to move the Confederate battle flag from the Capitol dome to a place of "historical significance."

How about in the toilet?

The wife of Republican presidential candidate and Texas Gov. George W. Bush has rejected arguments that the Confederate flag is racist. "I grew up in south Texas. It is not a symbol of racism,” Laura Bush told a South Carolina television.

She went on to add that while some states consider dragging a person chained to the back of your pickup truck murder, in Texas it's called "street skiing."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:39 pm UTC

In a blow to the Pentagon's push to develop a national missile defense by 2005, a prototype missile interceptor roared into space in search of a mock warhead but failed to hit it, officials said. 

Pentagon officials have asked NASA engineers to redesign the interceptor so that it will try to miss its target – this should ensure a dead-on collision.

Convicted Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski has written a 58-page brief, asking the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals that he be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea, which he now claims was coerced, and go to trial.

The Court of Appeals has already said it will not open his brief, which Kacynski mailed to the court.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:53 pm UTC

Sen. John McCain signed a pledge not to tax Internet sales and challenged his Republican rival for the presidential nomination George W. Bush to do the same.

Bush responded by saying that not only would he sign such a pledge, but he would also recommend that anybody who even proposed such a tax be subject to the death penalty.

McCain recently claimed he's able to identify gay people by their behavior and attitudes.

He's scheduled to demonstrate this talent on the next episode of "Ripley's Believe It or Not!"

Canadian Health Minister Alan Rock is proposing that photos of diseased organs be used as warnings on cigarette packaging.

This proposal has inspired Russian health officials to recommend that a picture of Boris Yeltsin be used as a warning label on all bottles of vodka.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:15 pm UTC

Bill Gates has announced that he will step down as chief executive of Microsoft Corp.

I wonder if he'll put his resume up on the "MonsterBoard".

Maybe he could catch on with AOL-TimeWarner; I hear they need someone with solid "monopolistic experience".

Actually, Gates will continue as Microsoft's chairman and will take on the new position of chief software architect to focus on developing technologies.

He needs to develop some new technologies just to be able to count all of his money.

In his recent "State of the City" address, Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he would build the NYPD a first-rate DNA laboratory.

Unfortunately, he figures it will take about 50 years to complete the building all by himself.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:17 pm UTC

Four Miami businessmen were convicted of scheming to smuggle 70,000 doses of Viagra to Russian nightclub patrons.

70,000 doses of Viagra? Sure, like guys in nightclubs need another substance to get them horned up.

If this type of smuggling is common, then the authorities in Russia had better warn all women to avoid “Ladies Night” at the clubs and bars.

Justice Department lawyers have proposed splitting Microsoft Corp. into a group of smaller companies, the "Baby Bills", as a remedy for the company's allegedly anti-competitive behavior.

As extra punishment, the government has also recommended that Bill Gates' recently completed mansion be split up into low-income housing units.

Flush with success against Microsoft, the Justice Department is turning its attention towards other famous U.S. monopolies. Next up they'll propose that the New York Yankees be split up into several smaller teams, called the "Baby Bombers."

Oregon researchers have successfully tested a cloning technique in monkeys whereby a single early-stage embryo can be "split" into multiple genetically identical embryos.

Once this technique is perfected for humans, it'll really cut down on the amount of time that David Crosby spends masturbating into test tubes.

The Census Bureau predicts that the current U.S. population of 275 million people will more than double to 571 million by the year 2100.

David Crosby's descendants alone will account for over half of this population growth.

Combined with the rate of increase in the weight of the average American, the pure tonnage of people will actually quadruple.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 11, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:07 pm UTC

Glam rock singer Gary Glitter was freed from prison today after serving half of a four-month sentence for downloading more than 4,000 pornographic pictures of children from the Internet. 

His time in prison wasn't entirely unproductive; his cell-mate taught him about lots of other websites with child pornography that he hadn't even known about.

ABC has sealed a deal with Dick Clark to renew his annual “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” through Jan. 1, 2005. 

The network has also agreed to purchase a new 5-year supply of embalming wax to help Mr. Clark keep up that youthful appearance.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:03 pm UTC

An intoxicated Russian man was shot Monday after he entered the grounds of the U.S. Embassy in Moscow and tried to steal a car.

I know the Russian economy is bad, but couldn't they at least have given Boris Yeltsin a car and driver for his retirement?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:52 pm UTC

In an extreme example of Y2K paranoia, authorities in New Hampshire reported that a state prison inmate sewed his mouth shut with dental floss because he feared the new year.

He was probably more afraid of becoming some other inmate's sugar-baby. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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