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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
February 29, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC

Kathie Lee Gifford, co-host of the ABC talk show “LIVE with Regis and Kathie Lee,” is planning to leave the program. She announced her departure on the show Tuesday.

She's leaving the show to concentrate on expanding her clothing business; she's hoping to open a chain of sweatshops in 3rd world countries around the globe.

The 46-year-old Gifford cited concerns about her two young children, son Cody and daughter Cassidy.

I don't blame her; I wouldn't want my children getting anywhere near Regis Philbin, either.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 29, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:33 am UTC

Russian tennis pin-up Anna Kournikova is to wed NHL star Pavel Bure after he proposed to her at a Miami restaurant, British newspapers reported Tuesday. 

Rather than exchange rings at the wedding ceremony, she'll smash him in the face with a tennis racket then he'll cross check her into the altar.

Bure has hired Boston Bruins tough guy Marty McSorley to clobber anybody who gets too close to the bride during the wedding reception.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 28, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:39 pm UTC

Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura has refused a request by the Virginia Senate to return a blood-soaked, bullet-pierced Civil War flag from the Minnesota Historical Society. The flag was captured by the Minnesota 1st Volunteer Regiment at the Battle of Gettysburg in 1863.

He's offered to give the flag back if the Virginia Senate can defeat the Minnesota Historical Society in a "Rumble Royale" on "WWF Smackdown!"

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 28, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:09 pm UTC

John McCain condemned Christian conservative leaders Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell as “agents of intolerance” today and warned his Republican Party against “pandering to the outer reaches of American politics.”

Most Republicans couldn't figure out what pandas had to do with American politics, since they're native to China.

His rival for the GOP nomination, George W. Bush, responded that McCain “obviously wants to divide people into camps” and accused him of playing on “religious fears.”

McCain denied both of these charges, saying that Republicans were free to choose between  "Camp McCain" and "Camp Right Wing Religious Nut." 

Speaking the day before Virginia's GOP primary, McCain called himself a “Reagan Republican.”

He proceeded to demonstrate this by promptly forgetting what his point was.

McCain then termed Bush a “Pat Robertson Republican” who couldn't defeat Al Gore if the vice president is the Democratic nominee.

He did say that if Bush was a "Pat Sajak Republican" he'd have a much better chance of defeating Gore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 28, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:33 am UTC

Family and supporters of a Cuban diplomat expelled by the United States were still eagerly awaiting his return to Havana on Monday. Jose Imperatori, 46, was taken into custody by U.S. authorities and flown aboard a U.S. government plane to Montreal late Saturday. 

They're hoping that he picked up some Cuban cigars in Canada.

Imperatori, the former vice-consul at the Cuban Interests Section in Washington, D.C., was deported to Canada on Saturday night and is on a hunger strike to protest his expulsion. 

Since he's on a hunger strike, his family is hoping that he'll bring home his free airline peanuts and pretzels.

Cuba called the expulsion “a crude maneuver” by Washington and accused the United States of trying to drag Canada into the dispute. “What the imperialists have done is to throw the hot potato to its neighbor Canada,” the statement added. 

Imperatori got pretty excited when he heard that there would be a hot potato in Canada, until he found out that HE was the hot potato.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 28, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:40 am UTC

The people of Puerto Rico gave George W. Bush an overwhelming victory and 14 delegates in the island's Republican primary Sunday. 

Given the choice between seeing Bush or McCain lounging on the beach topless during presidential visits, the Puerto Ricans chose Bush.

With 99.4 percent of the ballots counted, Bush had won 92.6 percent of the votes to John McCain's 5.9 percent. “This will send a strong message to friends and family in the Hispanic community in the United States,” said Steve Kupka, Bush's liaison with the local campaign. 

That message is "George W. Bush is paying Hispanics for votes!"

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:51 pm UTC

Texas Gov. George W. Bush on Sunday sent his strongest signal yet that his appearance at right-wing conservative Bob Jones University may come back to bite him at the ballot box. Reeling from criticism that he failed to condemn the school's ban on interracial dating and school leaders who have expressed anti-Catholic views, Bush apologized to Cardinal John O'Connor, Archbishop of New York. 

Unfortunately, Bush's apology didn't go over too well when he started out by accidentally calling the Archbishop John O'Catholic.

Bush's main GOP rival, Arizona Sen. John McCain, said Sunday on ABC that he would have carried a different message to Bob Jones University.  “The things that they espouse, including a ban on interracial dating, are personally offensive to me, but more importantly offensive to almost all Americans,” McCain said. 

Offensive to all Americans, except, of course, those named Bob, who are just glad to have their own university.

In an effort to mollify conservative voters, McCain, did go on to say that, in defense of the school, it is the "Harvard of all universities named after a guy named 'Bob'."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:17 pm UTC

The Pentagon is in the process of isolating more than 300,000 defective chemical suits designed to protect American servicemen from chemical and biological attacks. All suits will be tested and those that do not pass inspection will be removed from service.

To save some money, the Pentagon will test the suits by dressing up soldiers and releasing old biological and chemical weapons that are due to be destroyed.

This is why to the military has decided to enlist high school dropouts, so they can test out the effectiveness of these suits.

One defense department official told CNN that there are 1.5 million U.S. servicemen who currently are issued chemical suits, each soldier receives “four or five” suits. 

The Pentagon figures that if it can't identify the faulty suits, it'll just instruct each soldier to wear all five suits at once; that should probably do the trick.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:27 pm UTC

During a visit Sunday to Guyana's Amazon Basin rain forest, Britain's Prince Charles sipped alcoholic piwari, a drink made from cassava root, and donned a headdress and tried a few dance steps with Amerindians.

Charles asked if he could have some of the piwari shipped to England, figuring it might make Camilla look a little better.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:27 pm UTC

President Clinton cut short a speech Friday at an awards ceremony after fire alarms sounded and fire officials entered a ballroom of the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel in downtown Washington. The alarm was set off by a small fire in the hotel laundry room.

Clinton had sent down a pair of his undershorts to be cleaned which, he admitted, were "smoking."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:30 pm UTC

Vice President Al Gore pitched his prescription drug coverage plan for seniors to delegate-rich Ohio on Friday, making stops at retirement centers in Cleveland. 

There was one old guy who was crowding the plate, so Gore brushed him back with a bottle of Tylenol high and tight.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:26 pm UTC

During a visit to America Online headquarters in Virginia on Friday, Texas Gov. George W. Bush played up his experience as a chief executive officer, saying that the experience marked him as the most viable candidate for the presidency. "There is a big difference between someone who has been in the legislative branch, and someone who has been in the executive branch," Bush said in a subtle jab at his bitter rival, Arizona Sen. John McCain. "An executive is held accountable for results."

Executives also tend to get more action from young interns.

The Texas governor counted his home state and the state governed by his brother Jeb, Florida, as his “safety” states. 

Eventually, Bush hopes to be able to count even higher.

During a chat with America Online users, Bush revealed  that he was a "cat person";  chat participants had guessed — overwhelmingly — that Bush was a “dog person.” 

Bush explained that he preferred cats because they make for more challenging targets.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:03 am UTC

Arena Football League owners voted Thursday to cancel the 2000 season after the league failed to reach a contract agreement with its players. 

Under the previous contract, the players got to keep any change that the fans dropped under the seats. This time around, the owners only wanted to let the player's keep the change that actually made it onto the field.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:32 am UTC

Former President George Bush, the father of presidential candidate Texas Gov. George W. Bush, was hospitalized overnight for an irregular heartbeat. 

Bush's heart skipped a few beats when George W. told him that he was thinking of asking Dan Quayle to be his running mate.

Bush felt light-headed as he was attending a conference of bankers, Bush spokesperson Jim McGrath told CNN. 

Good thing it wasn't a conference of Japanese bankers, because he probably would've thrown up, too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:54 pm UTC

With less than a week before the campaign for the presidency heads into the primary-heavy month of March, Democratic hopeful Bill Bradley is shooting for a political comeback as he stumped in Washington State Thursday. 

Bradley was pretty excited about this trip until his advisors told him that he was going to "stump," not "hump," in Washington.

“The independent voters of Washington are going to determine who will be the next president of the United States,,” Bradley told the University of Washington crowd. 

As a result, all other primaries have been cancelled.

Bradley told a crowd of cheering college students on Wednesday that it would be risky for the Democrats to run Gore against a Republican reformer like McCain. “McCain will beat him like a drum,” Bradley said.

Bradley added that if he were the Democratic nominee, McCain would only beat him like a bongo.

Although none of the state's 75 delegates will be awarded in Washington's February 29 primary, Bradley is hoping that a strong showing there will carry him through the spate of March primaries.  “We're looking for a slingshot effect,” said Mo Elleithee, a Bradley spokesman.

Bradley's gotten pretty good at using the slingshot; they're hoping to nail Gore right between the eyes.

Campaigning in South Carolina on Wednesday, Vice President Gore picked up the long-awaited endorsement of U.S. Rep. John Spratt.

Jim's brother Jack has not yet decided whether he'll endorse Gore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:31 pm UTC

Former New Orleans Saints coach Mike Ditka was hired by CBS-TV on Thursday as an analyst for "The NFL Today." "I don't think I can be anybody but who I am," Ditka said. 

If, however, he can be somebody else, he said that he would like each of those people to receive equal billing.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:14 am UTC

Former Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding was ordered to appear in municipal court after being arrested for throwing a hubcap at her boyfriend and punching him in the face. 

She really wanted to hit him with her tire iron, but she hasn�t seen it since 1994.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 23, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:56 pm UTC

It was Carlos Santana's comeback night as the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences celebrated the year in music during its 42nd Annual Grammy Awards. Santana, the 52-year-old singer-guitarist who played at the original Woodstock in 1969, took home eight Grammys for his 1999 album “Supernatural.”

It used to be that Carlos couldn't remember Woodstock because of all the drugs he took. Now he can't remember it because his memory – like his eyesight – isn't so good anymore.

Santana won awards for best record, best album, best pop duo/group with vocals, best pop collaboration with vocals, best pop instrumental performance, best rock duo/group with vocals, best rock instrumental performance, and best rock album. 

He also won an award for best album by a guy with liver spots.

“To live is to dream. To die is to awaken. Please don't wake me up,” he said in accepting his first award of the night. 

That probably explains why he wore pajamas to the awards show.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 23, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:54 pm UTC

Darryl Strawberry reported to spring training with the New York Yankees on Wednesday and worked out with his teammates, then was ordered off the field by baseball while it investigates his failed drug test on Jan. 19. 

They didn't want him snorting up the chalk lines in the infield.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 23, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:35 pm UTC

A John F. Kennedy action figure in naval officer's dress whites or PT-109 fatigues will soon be part of a GI Joe collector's series celebrating American military heroes and famous battles. 

He comes with a Marilyn Monroe figure that provides a lot of "action" for him during shore leave.

They're also coming out with a John McCain POW action figure that comes emaciated, wearing a few threads for clothes, and shackled in leg irons.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 23, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC

Florida's public colleges and universities will no longer consider race or gender as part of the admissions process after the state approved a controversial plan to overhaul affirmative action. “Students will know they were know they were admitted not because of their race or gender, but because of their academic performance,” Chancellor Adam Herbert said. 

Or their time in the 40 yard dash, if they go to Florida State.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 23, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:50 am UTC

Exuberant after passing his self-described “do-or-die” test with primary wins in Arizona and Michigan on Tuesday, Sen. John McCain urged Republican leaders to abandon rival George W. Bush and join the “McCain majority.”  “Michigan sent a powerful message across America, a message that our party wants real reform from the real reformer,” said McCain, taking a subtle jab at his fierce rival, the Texas governor. 

Unfortunately, this jab was a little too subtle, because the crowd didn't react at all, forcing McCain to add "By the 'real reformer' I meant me, John McCain, not George W. Bush."

But there was at least one discouraging sign that McCain may have noticed as the election returns poured in from the Midwest, predominantly blue-collar state. Exit polls revealed that only 48 percent of the electorate in the GOP primary were registered Republicans. 

Meaning that 52% of Republicans don't know that GOP is synonymous with "Republican Party."

In response to criticism that he is not the choice of real Republicans, McCain called himself a "proud Reagan conservative" and promised to fight for traditional conservative issues like cutting taxes. But McCain also vowed that tax cuts would not top his economic agenda. “I want to use the surplus the right way by keeping our obligation to shore up Social Security, fix Medicare and pay down the debt.

Yes, like his campaign debts.

McCain claimed that his coalition of supporters is “Al Gore's worst nightmare.” 

Al Gore has been trying to cover up for Bill Clinton for eight years – now THAT'S a nightmare.

“I will beat Al Gore like a drum,” he predicted. 

And Tipper like a cymbal, on the down beats.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:10 am UTC

Boston Bruins enforcer Marty McSorley left the Vancouver Cannucks' Donald Brashear unconscious and bloody with a two-handed swinging slash to the head with 2.7 seconds left Monday night in Vancouver's 5-2 win. “I'm still in shock at what I did,” McSorley said. “I have to come to terms with what I did. There's no excuse. It was so stupid. I can't believe I did it.”

McSorley said that next time he'll make sure to do it much earlier in the game.

John McCain's campaign is thinking of hiring McSorley to help put an end to George W. Bush's negative attacks – once and for all!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:47 am UTC

Russia's security agency said to penetrate Internet

This can't be confirmed until the DNA results come back from the lab.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:29 am UTC

Needing to attract new voters and regain momentum in the race for the GOP presidential nomination, John McCain on Monday accused George W. Bush of “trash” campaigning. McCain went on the attack at a town hall meeting in Traverse City, Michigan, telling participants that they “deserve better than the trash that's on your television set and over your radio” — a reference to Bush ads running across the state. 

He urged people to watch something a little more positive and wholesome – like "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?"

McCain has also ridiculed Bush's claims of being the true Republican reformer in the race. “Governor Bush is the governor of a state that has the most liberal campaign contribution laws … If Governor Bush is a reformer, I'm an astronaut.” 

Isn't this from the same guy who said called himself "Luke Skywalker" yesterday?

Bush shook hands with workers at a Detroit-area auto parts plant on Monday and focused on his economic proposals during his speech later in the day. 

McCain tried to one-up Bush by shaking hands with the same workers in the men's room – and then eating his lunch!

The Texas governor refused to speculate on whether he would consider McCain as a running mate, although the Arizona senator has said he would refuse such an offer. 

He was considering using McCain as his Air Force One pilot, until an aide told him about McCain's flight history.

Bush plans to continue voicing his message of “compassionate conservatism” to voters throughout the state over the next 24 hours. “I think you're going to see a good day tomorrow. We've got a volunteer army on the ground.” 

He formed his volunteer army with a bunch of people from his church congregation in Texas, since they were already armed to the teeth.

Meanwhile, McCain is characterizing his GOP nomination battle as not only against Bush, but also against a coalition of establishment types, lobbyists and big money.  "I'm telling you, they are shooting at me from everywhere," McCain lamented on Monday. "Everybody is against me — Governor Engler, Governor Bush, all the governors, all the senators." 

McCain went on to say that if he could just get the voices in his head to shut up, he could think straight and win the election.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:29 am UTC

Yoko Ono, the widow of former Beatle John Lennon, on Monday denied a newspaper report that her husband may have given money to the Irish Republican Army (IRA). 

Yoko said John would've never given money to any Republicans.

"My husband did not give money to the IRA. My husband gave money…when it was asked (for) by people who were in need," Ono said in comments broadcast on Spanish state radio.

For example, he particularly liked giving large sums of money to untalented female Japanese "artists."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:54 am UTC

A survey of 58 historians, carried out by public affairs cable channel C-SPAN and timed for release on President's Day, ranked Bill Clinton's presidency average.

Hilary's presidency, however, was ranked above average.

The historians ranked Clinton last amongst all presidents in the area of moral authority, just behind Richard Nixon. 

He probably would've ranked a few notches higher on the moral scale if he had used a condom on that cigar.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:46 am UTC

A U.S. businessman plans to cut up a gown worn by the late Princess Diana into some four million pieces and hopes to sell them to raise $100 million for charity. 

The same businessman previously tried to cut up and auction off Monica Lewinsky's famous blue dress, but didn't get any bidders because everybody was afraid they'd get the crusty pieces.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:42 pm UTC

The federal judge assigned to the Elian Gonzalez case has been hospitalized near Miami after suffering a mild stroke. 

He's as sick of this story as the rest of us. At first he tried one of those fake, Fred Sanford heart attacks to get off the case, but it wasn't believable enough.

Veteran Miami U.S. District Judge William Hoeveler previously presided over the trial of former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega.

That's pretty interesting because the government had to resort to the same tactics to get Elian's grandmothers to leave the country as they did to get Noriega to leave that embassy – blaring loud rock music outside their residence for two weeks straight.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:45 pm UTC

Republican candidate John McCain said on Sunday that he's running against not only Texas Gov. George Bush as the GOP presidential nomination contest moves into Michigan, but also a coalition of lobbyists, big money and legislation. "I'm Luke Skywalker trying to get out of the Death Star," said the Arizona senator and U.S. Navy veteran, drawing a metaphor from the “Star Wars” movie trilogy. 

The probably explains why he renamed his "Straight Talk Express" bus to the "Millennium Falcon".

That probably also explains why he keeps referring to his new buddy Gary Bauer as "R2D2".

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:20 pm UTC

A federal judge has approved a $30 million settlement of a class-action lawsuit that accused Publishers Clearing House of misleading its sweepstakes entrants. The suit claimed the company duped people into buying magazines by falsely leading them to believe it would increase their chances of winning millions of dollars. 

Somehow, people were misled by the large print on the envelope that said "IF YOU BUY A SUBSCRIPTION TO 'PEOPLE' YOU WILL WIN $10 MILLION."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:08 am UTC

One of Queen Elizabeth's kitchen staff has been dismissed after allegedly making remarks about poisoning the British monarch's food, Buckingham Palace officials said on Sunday. 

Upon learning of the remarks, the Queen asked "Where was this woman when we needed her – when Diana was here?!"

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:26 pm UTC

Texas Gov. George W. Bush's decisive victory Saturday over Arizona Sen. John McCain in the South Carolina primary solidified his front-runner status for the upcoming sprint toward the Republican nomination and vindicated his campaign's “firewall” strategy for the conservative, southern state. 

If he had lost in South Carolina, Bush would have been forced to abandon his "firewall" strategy for his "firetruck" strategy – namely, running over McCain with one!

Conservatives, especially so-called religious conservatives, drove the Bush train to victory. 

They made sure that the Bush train clipped a bunch of McCain supporters on the way to the polls.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:00 pm UTC

Cuba's government has rejected a U.S. request that an unnamed Cuban diplomat leave the United States within seven days because of possible ties to a Cuban-born U.S. immigration official suspected of espionage. 

Cuba said they'll bring him back home only if he brings 600 cases of "Charmin" with him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:52 pm UTC

"Cats," the longest-running production in Broadway history, will close on June 25, ending its run after 7,397 performances, The New York Times reported in its Sunday edition. 

The final performance will have a slightly different ending; all of the cast members will be put to sleep.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:52 pm UTC

In an interview with Britain's top-selling daily paper, the Sun, George Clooney said that the television hospital drama ER he once starred in is now doing much better without him. "ER is much better than it was toward the end of when I was doing it," he said. 

Clooney went on to say, "Yeah, I never wanted to be on that show anyway, and I'd never go back, even if they asked me... not even if they asked me REALLY nicely... unless they, like, really wanted me back, you know... do you think they'd take me back?"

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:49 pm UTC

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the NBA's all-time leading scorer who has said on many occasions he wants to coach, got his wish Friday when he was hired as an assistant by the lowly Los Angeles Clippers. 

The Clippers have been so laughable over the years that Abdul-Jabbar wasn't hired for his basketball knowledge, but for the comic abilities he demonstrated in the movie "Airplane."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:19 pm UTC

Presidential hopefuls Al Gore and Bill Bradley courted the African-American vote on Friday, just three days before the Democratic rivals attempt to steal the spotlight from their GOP counterparts with a debate at the Apollo Theater in Harlem. 

Unfortunately, neither candidate was able to strike much of a chord with African-Americans. In fact, it wasn't clear which candidate's act offended the voters more, Gore doing his Al Jolson imitation, or Bradley trying to break-dance.

Bradley, the former three-term New Jersey senator, touted his education plan and recounted his work mentoring youth as a basketball star during a campaign stop at a Harlem school on Friday. 

Bradley also tried to convince the kids that he was a member of the Crips street gang, but they didn't seem to buy it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:03 pm UTC

Reform Party presidential contender Pat Buchanan landed briefly in Minnesota on Friday to say Gov. Jesse Ventura should have stayed and fought for the party's future rather than quit. "I believe he has run away from a fight that would have been a good fight for the people of Minnesota," Buchanan said. 

Buchanan also said that real men don't wear tights when they fight.

In Denver Friday for a speech, Ventura, a former Navy SEAL, said Buchanan had no right to ask why he did not stay and fight. "To my best knowledge, he never served his country," Ventura said. "If he wants to talk about fighting … has he ever stood a post, put his life in another man's hands?" 

Ventura went on to ask, "Has he ever known the sweet rush that comes from clamping down a sleeper hold on another man? I think not."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:27 pm UTC

The Steinway piano on which John Lennon composed "Imagine" went on public view Friday, ahead of an online auction in July when organizers say the instrument is expected to fetch at least $2 million. 

The piano is expected to fetch considerably more than another Lennon item up for auction, the soiled bedsheets from John and Yoko's "bed-in" in Montreal.

Insured for three million pounds ($4.8 million), the small upright will be kept under 24-hour guard while at the museum.

They've hired Ringo to guard it; he could use the extra money.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:49 pm UTC

Austrian-born movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger on Friday joined the chorus of critics against Joerg Haider, leader of Austria's rightist Freedom Party, saying he had no place in government because of his anti-immigrant remarks. 

Surprisingly, Arnold sang soprano in the chorus, and sang it quite well!

Schwarzenegger posted his statement on his Web site,

His site has an interesting feature; when you log out, Arnold's voice says "You'll be back."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:11 am UTC

Iranians were turning out in large numbers on Friday to vote in a parliamentary election pitting reformers promising social and political change against conservatives who want Iran to stick to the ideals of the two-decade-old Islamic revolution. 

It's looking like the conservatives are gonna win this one, seeing as how exit polls showed that the late Ayatollah Khomeini is the leading vote-getter.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:42 am UTC

Mariano Faget, a high-ranking Miami-based immigration official, was arrested by the FBI for allegedly spying for the Cuban government, the agency said.

Due to the economic situation in Cuba these days, those Cuban spies are forced to work with some less than modern spy equipment. Faget was caught using a cardboard periscope and a "Tony the Tiger" decoder ring.

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February 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:38 pm UTC

Just two days before the South Carolina GOP primary, both Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Arizona Sen. John McCain predicted victory in the hotly contested race, but the final decision may hinge on voter turnout. 

In an effort to maximize voter turnout, Bush's brother Jeb will be running a free shuttle service to the polls.

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February 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:38 pm UTC

Living up to his promise that he would intensify his criticism of Vice President Al Gore's record on abortion, Bill Bradley launched a new ad Thursday that suggests Gore has waffled on the issue.

Bradley later said that Gore hadn't "waffled" but, rather, had "pancaked" on the issue.

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February 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:13 am UTC

Microsoft Corp. today will launch Windows 2000, its most ambitious and complex software ever, a project that has taken nearly four years and cost an estimated $1 billion in development expenses. And if all goes well, users won't notice a thing. 

Well, they may notice that their desktop wallpaper is permanently set to a picture of Bill Gates, but they'll get used to it soon enough.

Looming over Microsoft's parade is an internal Microsoft memo that counted 63,000 potential bugs in Windows 2000. The memo, unearthed by online publisher Smart Reseller, set off a flurry of debate over what constitutes a bug. 

For example, while some may call the fact that Windows 2000 automatically reroutes each user's paychecks into Microsoft's bank account a bug, Microsoft calls it an "convenience feature."

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February 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:49 am UTC

Thousands bused in for Yugo party congress

Well, sure, because those Yugos are pretty small cars.

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February 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:02 am UTC

As "Dr Laura'' Schlessinger prepares to launch a TV version of her popular radio show, she has enraged a sector of the gay community claiming, among other things, that same-sex marriage is "destructive to Western civilization.''

That may be, but the fact that she's been given her own TV show is a sure sign of the end of ALL civilization.

During a Feb. 14 meeting between Paramount Television, which is syndicating her show, and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Discrimination (GLAAD) Schlessinger reached an apparent truce with the gay rights group.

She's agreed to axe the segment of the show where she "heals" homosexuals by slapping each one on the forehead and saying "Devil be gone!"

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:37 pm UTC

Anita Hill, who became a symbol for sexual harassment when she testified in 1991 against Clarence Thomas during Senate hearings on his nomination to the Supreme Court, will be joining cable television's Court TV as a regular contributor, the station said on Wednesday. 

Her segments will be sponsored by "Coke."

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February 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:11 pm UTC

Conservative activist and former GOP presidential candidate Gary Bauer endorsed his former rival, Arizona Sen. John McCain today.

In return, McCain agreed to beat up anybody who says that Bauer looks like the main kid  from "Malcolm in the Middle."

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February 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:59 pm UTC

The Internet auction site eBay has seen more than 3,000 pieces of "Peanuts'" memorabilia put up for auction since the death of Charles Schulz.

Alan Keyes' is thinking of putting his "Snoopy" sheets up on eBay to raise some much needed campaign funds.

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February 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:53 am UTC

Republican rivals George W. Bush and John McCain engaged in a decidedly uncivil war of words in South Carolina on Wednesday night, trading heated accusations over less than honorable campaign tactics in their last debate before Saturday's crucial primary.

McCain objected to a Bush campaign ad that characterized McCain as being irresponsible for losing a perfectly good fighter jet during the Vietnam War.

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February 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:02 am UTC

In only his second game back in the NBA in the last 10 months, Dennis Rodman was ejected in the fourth quarter of the Dallas Mavericks' 112-99 loss to the Milwaukee Bucks on Tuesday night.

When it was first announced to the crowd at the game, they weren't sure if the announcer said "ejected" or "ejaculated"; either one is pretty likely.

Rodman claimed that the referees still have it out for him, saying “I'm the first person they look for on the court.”

Sure, so that they don't accidentally make contact with him.

He went on to say that the referees “always look at me."

Hard to figure why that would be, what with his bright yellow hair, nose rings, and tattoos.

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February 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:20 am UTC

The father of Elian Gonzalez has sent a letter to U.S. officials, demanding the return of his son and complaining that “kidnappers” are continuing to hold the boy.

Officials at the Justice Department say that this just isn't so and they'll be happy to return Elian in return for $500,000 and a box of Cuban cigars.

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February 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:24 pm UTC

Since the Florida Legislature added lethal injection as a means of execution, giving death row inmates the choice between that and electrocution, not one of the inmates has chosen the electric chair over injection.

Florida officials are aiming to win back some votes for the electric chair by adding better lumbar support and a matching electric ottoman.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:58 pm UTC

This year's Academy Award nominations were dominated by “American Beauty” which garnered eight.

Most of the voters thought they were voting for "American Pie."

"American Beauty" star Annette Bening had this reaction to the success of the movie: "It's absolutely a thrill to be a part of something that has meant so much to so many people."

It's really a thrill for Ms. Bening to be a part of a movie people actually went to see.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:49 am UTC

Fox has announced a deal with John Goodman to star in a new family sitcom.

I guess he'll have to take a break from those wildly successful "King Ralph" movies.

Goodman has a 22-episode commitment from Fox, which has agreed to pay him $200,000 per episode. That works out to a $4.4 million payday.

With Fox also agreeing to pick up his daily lunch tab, that actually works out to about an $8 million payday.

Goodman will star as one-half of an “Odd Couple''-like pair of single dads living together with their teenage kids.

Goodman could pretty much play the whole couple all by himself.

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February 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:26 am UTC

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was released from prison on Monday on $1 million bond while awaiting trial on murder charges.

That'll allow him to tie up some loose ends... like a couple of potential witnesses!

Team owner Art Modell testified for Lewis at a day-long hearing, calling him “dependable.”

Yep. If you need somebody disemboweled, he's your man.

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February 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:03 am UTC

Five weeks after open-heart surgery, comedian David Letterman is returning part-time to his late-night CBS show.

Last I checked his show was only one hour long. Isn't that already part-time work?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:34 pm UTC

President Bill Clinton on Tuesday will endorse the creation of a national cyber security center where Internet and e-commerce companies can work together to cope with hacker attacks, administration officials said. 

He's thinking of naming ex-CIA chief John Deutch as the center's director. He's pretty good at keeping things secure. 

Clinton also urged consumers not to panic over last week's attacks against e-commerce Web sites. He predicted: “We'll figure out how to do it, and go forward.” 

Clinton then added, "And we'll figure out how to tax you for it too!"

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February 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:35 pm UTC

President Bill Clinton gave his first online interview with a news organization Monday afternoon.

He was reluctant to do it at first until heard that "laptops" would be involved.

This is a big step for the president who joked in the past about being “technologically challenged.”

He's come a long way though. He aides say that he's become quite good at finding pornography on the internet.

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February 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:36 am UTC

During a retrospective on his life at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival, Jerry Lewis stunned the audience gathered to honor his work by saying he doesn't like female comics and views a woman as “a producing machine” for children.

I'm not sure what's more stunning: his goofy comments or the fact that people were actually honoring Jerry Lewis' work.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:44 pm UTC

Allies of GOP presidential candidate and Texas Gov. George W. Bush are waging an aggressive effort to turn Christian conservatives against his rival, Sen. John McCain of Arizona.

The Bush supporters are so desperate to sway the Christian conservatives their way that they've taken to calling him John "Pontius Pilate" McCain.

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February 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 pm UTC

Movie critic Rex Reed was arrested Saturday after he was caught stealing three CDs from a Tower Records store in Manhattan.

When confronted by store security, Reed said it was all a big mistake; what he had really meant to steal were DVDs that he needed to review.

The whole incident was captured on video by a security camera and will soon be available at Blockbuster.

Reed has already reviewed the video, saying it was “a crime” that it was ever made.

A bill is being introduced in Congress to allow freed felons to vote in federal elections. 

That's good news for Rex Reed!

One of the bill's sponsors, Rep. John Conyers, D-Michigan, said that denying these citizens the right to vote was "holding up" the rehabilitation process. 

Conyers went on to say that if his bill were "shot down" in congress that he would personally feel "stabbed in the back."

One former felon, speaking in support of the bill, said "it takes away the feeling of always being a criminal.”

It's good thing that felons can't actually run for office, then, because then they'd really feel like criminals.

Hollywood heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio feels that his celebrity image is at times out of control and he wishes he could escape from the spotlight to a secret island.

Too bad he couldn't be marooned on a secret island.

A Berlin tabloid newspaper offered 1,000 marks ($500)  for any Berlin girl who manages to steal a kiss from the American actor, while he is in town for the 50th annual Berlin Film Festival.

They've offered another 1,000 marks to anybody who can provide proof that DiCaprio has facial hair.

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February 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:41 pm UTC

Billionaire real estate developer Donald Trump has decided against seeking the Reform Party nomination for president, according to advisers.

He changed his mind after he found out there weren't too many supermodels attending presidential debates.

Trump had been flirting with the idea of a presidential bid since last year and even said he might be willing to spend $100 million of his own money to fund his campaign.

If he lost, he was hoping to write off the $100 million from his income tax as a gambling loss.

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February 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:54 pm UTC

Rock star David Bowie and his wife Iman said Sunday that they are expecting their first child in August. 

When asked if he was hoping for a boy or a girl, Bowie replied “Yes.”

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February 12, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:53 pm UTC

The British insurance company that provides “prize indemnity'' coverage for ABC's game show sensation “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire'' is seeking to cancel the policy, saying the questions are too easy. 

The company claims the only riskier insurance propositions are Steve Forbes' Presidential campaigns and Alaska Airlines flights.

In his weekly radio address, President Clinton lauded the benefits of the 1993 Family Leave Act, which he said gave more than 20 million Americans the opportunity to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for a newborn child.

Clinton's always been a big fan of the Family Leave Act because that's what he wishes his own family would do... leave!

In the same address Clinton proposed a $20 million plan to help parents take that time off work with pay.

Hmm, let's see, $20 million for 20 million people. I guess each person could buy a scratch ticket or something.

This could be a good way for the government to get those “Sacagewea” dollar coins into circulation.

A Reform Party meeting erupted in chaos Saturday with angry shouting matches, a scuffle and an immediate effort to remove chairman Jack Gargan, an ally of the party's dissenting top officeholder, Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura. 

You can catch all the action on the next episode of "WCW Superbrawl."

At one point, a woman tried to unplug Gargan's microphone. A second woman, Sue Harris de Bauch, shoved her to the ground. 

Showing true leadership, Gov. Ventura later showed Ms. Harris de Bauch the proper way to handle such an incident in the future – the piledriver.

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February 11, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:53 pm UTC

President Bill Clinton has promised to veto a GOP-sponsored bill intended to eliminate the so-called “marriage penalty” — the additional income tax paid by many two-income, married couples.

Clinton figures if he has to pay the biggest marriage penalty of all – being married to Hilary – then why should the rest of us get off scot-free?

Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura is expected to urge the Minnesota Reform Party to leave the national group, a possible step toward setting up a new national political party. 

He's expected to team with Vince McMahon to form the X Party.

Al Gore appeared on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” during which four twentysomething-year-olds were shown a photo of him. One person mistook him for Prince Charles, while another thought he was “governor of the United States.”

Either of those responses was still better than what he was mistaken for while he was waiting in the “green room” before his appearance – a coat rack.

Jim Varney, the rubbernecked comic who played his rube character Ernest in a series of hit movies, died Thursday at his home.

The producers of the “Ernest” movies aren't letting Varney's death mean the end of the series. They're already planning the next installment: “Ernest Goes Six Feet Under.”

“Inside Edition” anchor and former “Today” show co-host Deborah Norville plans to enter a North Carolina prison Saturday morning to spend five days as a prisoner and will provide daily reports for her weekday syndicated newsmagazine. “The best way to portray what life behind bars is really like is to spend a
considerable amount of time behind bars,” Norville said Thursday. 

The second best way to prepare is to work with Bryant Gumbel. Except that at least in prison she won't have to get up at 3:30 in the morning.

To capture her jail experience a camera will be lodged in the ceiling of Norville's cell.

Again, not unlike her “Today” experience when Bryant had a camera installed in her dressing room.

Basketball legend Michael Jordan endorsed fellow NBA alum Bill Bradley's bid for the Democratic presidential nomination on Wednesday. A Bradley spokeswoman said Jordan's support is based on Bradley's commitment to “health care for children, curbing gun violence and other issues.”

He's also based his support on Bradley's commitment to tax breaks for mega-wealthy former NBA stars.

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February 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:41 pm UTC

Tom Cruise made a whopping $70 million from the 1996 blockbuster “Mission: Impossible,” according to today's “Hollywood  Reporter.”

Maybe he can use some of that booty to compensate the poor suckers that paid to see "Cocktail" or "Days of Thunder."

Cruise has agreed to do “Mission: Impossible 2″ for his measly normal fee–of $20 million or so. 

Bummer. I guess he'll have to brown-bag it for a while.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said Monday that Pete Rose would not be allowed to be on hand when the Cincinnati Reds honor their 1975 world championship team, because he accepted a lifetime ban from baseball in 1989 after an investigation of his gambling.

Selig had originally told Rose he could attend but he changed his mind after he heard Rose tell a reporter who asked whether he would be attending the celebration, "You betcha!"

The Seattle Mariners and Cincinnati Reds agreed Wednesday night to a tentative trade sending Ken Griffey Jr. to the Reds, provided they can work out a contract extension with Griffey within 72 hours.

Pete Rose has got 2-1 odds that the deal will happen.

Griffey's agent said earlier this week that his client would take less-than-market value to play for Cincinnati, where he grew up.

Pete Rose can help him make a few extra bucks – if he knows how to drop fly balls.

The Dallas Mavericks drew their second-biggest crowd ever last night to see the return of Dennis Rodman to the NBA. When it ended, Rodman hurled his new No. 70 jersey into the stands.

A significant portion of the crowd hurled too, when they saw him without a shirt on.

Fortunately, though, he kept his bra on.

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February 9, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:08 pm UTC

Magician Doug Henning, who recreated Harry Houdini's most famous trick, the 'Water Torture Escape,' has died at age 52.

Now he's about to recreate Houdini's second greatest trick: staying dead.

I'll bet the funeral will be interesting if all of his magician buddies show up. First, they can pull rabbits out of his open casket, then saw him in half and finally make him disappear for good in a puff of smoke.

Electronic auction house eBay was one of several high-profile Web sites that had its servers brought to a halt by cyber-attacks earlier this week.

Turns it out that eBay was brought down by too many foreigners bidding on top secret info being auctioned off by former CIA director John Deutch.

Four members of the flight crew of a hijacked Ariana Airlines plane escaped Tuesday night by climbing down a rope hanging from a cockpit window. 

They didn't mind being hijacked as much as they did having to eat airline food for five straight days. 

A few hours later, a flight attendant apparently was pushed out the back exit of the plane. 

I guess the hijackers finally got sick of having to have exact change for cocktails.

Publisher Steve Forbes finished a disappointing third in the Delaware Republican primary, which he won back in 1996, and plans to withdraw from the race.

In hindsight, Forbes' campaign manager said he would've done better in Delaware if he hadn't handed out all of those Burger King Pokemon balls to voters' children.

Forbes began campaigning for the 2000 nomination almost as soon as the 1996 campaign ended, shifting to the right on abortion and other social issues in an attempt to rally staunch conservatives. 

Apparently, he went a little too far to the right on abortion, arguing that it should be illegal for a woman to say no to sex.

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February 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:47 pm UTC

Sen. Edward Kennedy will remain in the hospital for a few days in order to recover from the flu, his doctor said Monday. 

He's asked if he can take home some of those hospital gowns that open up in the
back so he can wear them to bars to pick up chicks.

Kennedy will continue to receive treatment for symptoms of his illness, which include a headache, a cough, muscle-aches and chills. 

The only difference between these symptoms and his usual morning hangover is
that these symptoms don't go away with a couple of stiff drinks.

President Clinton is expected to sign an executive order on Tuesday prohibiting the federal government from using genetic test results in any decision to hire, fire or promote its employees.

The IRS can still use the information to decide whether to audit you more frequently if
they think you're going to die young.

The order, to take effect immediately, covers nearly 2 million civilian federal
employees, but does not apply to the private sector.

That's too bad, because we could really use this sort of testing for screening
presidential candidates. Just imagine how different things would be if there
were a genetic test for determining whether a fellow was going to have weird
sexual relations involving tobacco products with chunky, younger interns.

Or what if there was a genetic marker for a person's tendency to come into work
firing automatic or semi-automatic weapons? Then the life expectancy of postal
workers would be significantly higher.

The Washington Post reported that Mike Tyson reached a settlement with Chevelle Butts, a woman who alleged the boxer assaulted her at a restaurant in the nation's capital.

Mike's not too bright; he probably thought she was coming on to him when she
introduced herself.

Chevelle's husband Seymour wasn't too pleased about the whole incident.

Defense Secretary William Cohen acknowledged Monday that former CIA director John Deutch has maintained access to “some top-secret information,” even though the CIA revoked his clearances at the agency last summer because he had kept classified documents on a home computer. 

Deutch was using the rest of this top-secret information to wallpaper his den.

The New York Times reported Monday that a total of 12 NBA players tested positive for marijuana during training camp last fall, despite being told months in advance when they would be tested.

Sounds like they didn't realize that the objective was to test negative.

“It's a mixed bag,” said Rob Houseman, the deputy director of strategic planning
for the White House Drug Control Policy Office about the NBA results.

Sounds more like a “dime bag.”

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February 7, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:18 pm UTC

Vice President Al Gore won Saturday's Democratic “preference” primary in Delaware over former New Jersey Sen. Bill Bradley by a wide margin.

But Gore still finished well behind “Anybody Else Who's Not Named 'Al'” in the polling.

Saturday's vote was more of a '”beauty contest,” since the state's 15 delegates will be awarded at the Democratic caucuses on March 27.

That probably explains why Gore shaved his legs before campaigning there.

What really put Gore over the top was the talent portion of the event; his rendition of “Living La Vida Loca” was much more popular with the people than was Bradley's dance interpretation of “Swan Lake”.

Sen. Edward Kennedy is undergoing observation at a hospital for a viral illness. “He is in good spirits, he is resting comfortably and he felt good enough to watch the America's Cup race last night,” a spokesman said Sunday.

How much physical effort does it take to watch TV?

We'll know for sure that he's back to normal once he's exposing himself to nurses.

Armando Gutierrez, spokesman for Elian Gonzalez, denied rumors that the 6-year-old would be appearing in ads for Internet search engine AltaVista saying, “The family will not allow Elian to be used for anything.”

Gutierrez said that Elian had more important things to do, such as going to Burger King, shopping for Nike sneakers and eating his Wheaties.

The current edition of Newsweek has a cover story on presidential candidate John McCain and asks “Can He Beat Bush?”

He can probably beat around him.

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February 6, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:38 pm UTC

With her husband among the crowd of cheering supporters, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton today officially announced her candidacy for the U.S. Senate from New York.

The president was so excited about the prospect of Hilary living in New York for the next six years that he was in the parking lot before the announcement leading a tailgate party.

President Clinton helped his wife write the speech but did not speak during the event. 

He did, however, have one thing to say to the people of New York after her announcement: "Take my wife... please."

Her Senate bid promises to be a rough-and-tumble contest against Rudolph Giuliani, the Republican mayor of New York.

So rough-and-tumble, in fact, the first two debates between the two candidates will take place on "WWF Smackdown!" and MTV's “Celebrity Deathmatch.”

In anticipation of the most expensive Senate race in the nation's history, Hillary had raised $8 million to Giuliani's $12 million by the end of 1999.

In an effort to meet her new neighbors and raise some more cash at the same time, Hillary will be holding a series of Tupperware parties at her new home.

Wayne Gretzky's No. 99 was retired throughout the NHL Sunday in a ceremony before the 50th All-Star Game. 

Before the No. 99 jersey was raised to the rafters, noted NHL tough guy Tie Domi cross-checked Gretzky into the boards and ripped the jersey off of his back, just for old time's sake.

Slugging Chicago Cubs outfielder Sammy Sosa says that his asking price his next contract will be $160 million.

I wonder how flexible he'd be on that figure if the deal includes a 401k with employer matching.

At this rate, the only organization that'll be able to afford these star players is Microsoft. 

They could call their team the "Microsoft Monopolists."

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February 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:35 pm UTC

Ken Griffey Jr. says he received a death threat mailed from Seattle and that his career with the Mariners is all but finished. 

He's asked to be traded to a city that doesn't have an NFL team.

Lynette Cole, winner of the Miss USA title Friday night had some advice for her home-state Tennessee Titans, the runner-up in the Super Bowl, during a staged news conference early in the show. “I wish their arms were longer,” quipped Cole, referring to the last play of the game when the team came a yard short of a tying touchdown.

Cole's full quote, which was edited by the network censor, was "I wish their arms were longer... among other things."

Celebrity friends of David Letterman will be sitting in for the star as guest interviewers as he continues to recover from the quintuple bypass surgery he underwent last month. 

Each guest interviewer will also be expected to relate one story about an artery-clogging meal he or she saw Dave eat over the years.

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February 4, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:50 pm UTC

Austria has a new coalition government, which includes Joerg Haider's far- right Freedom Party. Haider is at the center of an international storm over his past praise of aspects of the Nazi regime and his strident opposition to immigration and European integration.

Maybe Gary Bauer still has a future in presidential politics – in Austria

Former CIA Director John Deutch was investigated for using a home computer — which stored some of the nation's most sensitive national security secrets — to access the Internet and to receive and send e-mail. Deutch once received an unsolicited e-mail from a former Russian scientist on the computer, which was crammed with top-secret materials.

If I only had a nickel for each time I got an unsolicited email from a former Russian scientist crammed with top-secret materials I be a rich man.

In an unrelated matter, Senator John McCain's presidential campaign has gotten more than $1 million in Internet credit card donations since his New Hampshire primary victory.

Strangely, each of the donations came from, and was accompanied
by top-secret material.

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February 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:15 pm UTC

Exit polls from the New Hampshire primary show that Republican presidential candidate Gary Bauer drew only 1 percent of the vote from GOP voters who considered themselves “somewhat conservative,” and only 3 percent from those who listed themselves as “very conservative.”

He did, however, garner 100% of the vote from those who listed themselves as "very psychotic".

Bauer's decision to end his presidential bid as a result of this poor showing means he will no longer be able to dog Texas Gov. George W. Bush at debates about Bush's commitment to the pro-life movement.

He may not be able to dog Bush at the debates any longer, but he might still hump his leg afterwards in the hallway.

On Tuesday Bill Bradley proposed weekly debates with Vice President Al Gore beginning Sunday and continuing to the March 7 primaries. 

In another sign that Bradley's campaign is getting a little desperate, he's also challenged Gore to a weekly game of "HORSE".

In the letter to Gore, Bradley said the time has come to shift the focus from New Hampshire to reaching the “millions of voters in the coming weeks”. 

In his letter Bradley betrayed his frustration with New Hampshire voters for preferring Gore, by saying that it was also time to reach the millions of voters who "can read, have more than one tooth and who's vote can't be bought with a free cup of coffee."

Willie B., a silverback gorilla at Zoo Atlanta has died. He was captured in Africa and spent more than two decades in a concrete-and-steel-bars cage with a television set before being released into a new outdoor gorilla habitat.

He couldn't go on living without being able to watch "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

The police said there's no evidence to link Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to this death, although they couldn't completely rule out NFL involvement.

Courteney Cox Arquette pledged that she would not quit the hit television series “Friends”.  Asked what it would take for her to quit the show, she said, “It has nothing to do with money but with the quality of the show.” 

I guess that means she'll never quit since the quality certainly couldn't get any lower.

Cox also said, “I'd like to work for another 10 years and then pack it in.” 

I'm sure those ten years will just fly by.

The National Football League and the World Wrestling Federation have announced that they will be partners in a new professional football league.

Each team will be made up either of villains or good guys.

The league has already hired Johnny Cochran to help get NFL players Ray Lewis and Rae Carruth acquitted of homicide charges so they can head up the first team of "heels," the "Murderin' Mauraders."

The eight-team league, to be known as the XFL, will begin play in February 2001, said Basil DeVito, president and director of World Wrestling Federation Entertainment Inc.

Basil believes he can really spice up the new league.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell, the "catwalk queen", who has a growing reputation of a fiery temper, plead guilty in a Canadian court to assaulting her former assistant. 

She sounds more like the "catfight queen".

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February 2, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:47 pm UTC

After his impressive win in the New Hampshire primary, Arizona GOP Sen. John McCain told his supporters that “we're going to take the government out of the hands of the special interests and give it back to you.” 

I wonder what the gift tax would be on something like that?

Conservative activist Gary Bauer, who finished last in the Repuiblican field, with 1 percent of the vote, said that he planned to return to Washington instead of heading elsewhere to campaign. 

He's probably going to hole up in his bunker with his girlfriend, Eva.

In the Democratic primary Vice President Al Gore won a tight race against former New Jersey senator Bill Bradley.  In a speech to his supporters Gore said, “this Tennessean is in the end-zone, and it feels good. And you ain't seen nothing yet!”

It was certainly nothing compared to his end-zone celebration dance, the “Gore Groove,” which he then demonstrated.

In his concession speech, Bradley told his supporters that “Al Gore has run a strong campaign, but we are smarter and better-prepared.” 

He went on to say that “Not only that but we're also taller and our wives aren't named 'Tipper'.”

Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-prognosticating groundhog, saw his own shadow Wednesday, meaning that winter will last another six weeks. 

As if that's not depressing enough, he also saw Elian Gonzalez's two grandmothers, meaning that situation will drag on for at least six more weeks.

A lawyer for Ray Lewis, the Baltimore Ravens linebacker charged with the stabbing death of two men after a Super Bowl party, said that Lewis was “in the wrong place at the wrong time.” 

I'd say he was in the wrong place, all right: standing outside a bar with his hands around a knife sticking out of somebody's chest.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:39 pm UTC

Pro Bowl linebacker Ray Lewis was charged with the murder of two people outside an Atlanta nightclub hours after the Super Bowl.

We all found the Super Bowl half-time show irritating but, geez, that's no reason to murder somebody.

Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker was suspended until May 1 by baseball commissioner Bud Selig for racial and ethnic remarks he made in a recent Sports Illustrated interview that “offended practically every element of society.”

Rocker will keep his skills sharp during the suspension by playing in a Ku Klux Klan softball league in his native Georgia.

The problem with that league is that it's hard to tell the opposing teams apart since everybody wears white.

The Miami relatives of Elian Gonzalez are having a privacy fence installed around their home to shield the 6-year-old from the public eye.

Elian's relatives also asked that the home now be referred to as a “compound.”

Family spokesman Armando Gutierrez said the 6-foot wooden fence is necessary because the child “needs some space.”

Gutierrez also said that young Elian would be checking into a local hospital for a while due to “fatigue.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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