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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
March 31, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:13 pm UTC

Seventeen people were injured Friday when a minibus owned by the Lucky Strike Travel Service taking gamblers to an Atlantic City casino rear-ended a truck on the Garden State Parkway. 

The minibus owners are already refusing to refund the passenger's money, saying that they were promised that they would “hit it big” if they took Lucy Strike to Atlantic City.

With this incident, the Lucky Strike Travel Service will now officially be ranked as one of the worst uses of “Lucky Strike” in a business name, ahead of Lucky Strike Cigarettes, but behind the all time leader, Lucky Strike Earthquake Insurance. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:12 pm UTC

The leaning Tower of Pisa is 5 centimeters (2 inches) straighter since the start of the year and should be sturdy enough to open to the public in June 2001, after being closed for more than 10 years in an attempt to stop its dangerous tilt. 

The Italian government has hired Monica Lewinsky to serve as a counter-weight.

In addition to being a pretty good counter-weight, the Italians also figured that Monica would be a good spokesperson for the tower once they add that new rooftop fountain in 2002.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:33 pm UTC

The U.S. Army refused to confirm or deny a newspaper report that its highest-ranking female, Lt. Gen. Claudia Kennedy, has filed a formal complaint alleging she was sexually harassed by a fellow general. 

While Kennedy herself has refused to name the offending general, she did say that he asked her if she'd ever been “Schwarzkopf-ed.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:05 am UTC

Woody Allen has signed a three-picture domestic distribution deal with DreamWorks, which was not unexpected as DreamWorks is distributing his latest comedy, “Small Time Crooks,” which stars Hugh Grant, Allen and Tracey Ullman, which opens May 19.

It's also not surprising given that DreamWorks produced “American Beauty,” a movie about a middle aged man having a relationship with a teen-aged girl.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:33 am UTC

Tens of thousands of people bearing candles and flags formed a human cross in Miami's Little Havana district on Wednesday, calling for young Elian Gonzalez to remain in the United States. A Cuban-American activist group said it is prepared for a campaign of civil disobedience to protest the possible deportation of Elian by the federal government. 

Miami area postal workers are also considering some sort of work stoppage or slowdown, not in support of Elian or anything, but just because they need a break.

At one point during Wednesday's demonstrations, Elian was brought outside, riding on the shoulders of a family friend. As he smiled and waved his arms, the crowd cheered and chanted “Elian! Elian!” 

Andrew Lloyd Weber is considering creating a new Broadway musical based on this whole situation called “Elian!”

In fact, the fate of Elian has angry Miami-area Cuban-American voters saying they will unite behind Republican George W. Bush over Vice President Al Gore because they are furious at the Clinton administration for ordering the youngster's return to Cuba. 

In a desperate attempt to win over some of those angry voters, Gore is not only considering coming out in support of Elian remaining in the U.S. but he's also considering asking the 6 year-old to be his running mate.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 28, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:53 pm UTC

In a report released Tuesday, NASA said the reason for the loss of the Mars Polar Lander in December was “premature engine shutdown.”

NASA said that this sort of thing is very common among spacecraft and that most experience this sort of thing at one time or another.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:53 pm UTC

In a 9-3 verdict, a California Superior Court jury awarded a dying ex-smoker $20 million in punitive damages Monday from R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Holdings Inc. and Philip Morris Inc.

After the verdict, the plaintiff's lawyer fired up a victory cigar.

The plaintiff, Leslie Whiteley, took up smoking after the surgeon general's warning began appearing on cigarette packs in the 1960s.

On the basis of this ruling, the U.S. attorney general's office is proposing a new warning label for cigarette packs that says, "WARNING: Excessive smoking can make you very rich."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:23 pm UTC

John Rocker, Atlanta's controversial pitcher who was suspended by baseball for insensitive racial comments, is reportedly being discussed as part of a trade between the Braves and the Cleveland Indians, who just might be in the market for a closer. 

Rocker said he'd be happy to go to Cleveland just so long as there aren't actually any Indians on the team.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:28 am UTC

Vice President Al Gore will unveil Monday an ambitious proposal for eliminating “soft money” campaign donations and financing U.S. elections with a new public-private endowment fund, the Washington Post reported Monday.

Some critics feel that Gore's proposal is designed to help his own future reelection campaign should he win the presidency. As evidence, they point to the proposed name of the new campaign fund: "Buddha Bucks."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:15 am UTC

A television helicopter left its Oscar hovering spot and crashed in a ball of fire Sunday night, injuring a pilot and cameraman. 

Fox Television has already secured the rights to the crash and will air it on an upcoming special titled "Real Oscar Tragedies."

This special will also feature a retrospective on Cher's Oscar outfits.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:02 am UTC

Government lawyers have concluded that an 11th-hour offer by Microsoft Corp. to settle its antitrust case was inadequate.

Bill Gates is used to such a rejections; every woman he dated called him "inadequate" – until Microsoft stock went through the roof.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:02 am UTC

As expected, "American Beauty," the sometimes-surreal story of dysfunction in the suburbs, came out the winner in Sunday night's ceremony of the 72nd annual Academy Awards, winning five Oscars. 

"American Beauty" was unpopular with test audiences under its original title: "Primary Colors: the Sequel."

"The Matrix," a film heavy on technology but light on critical praise, finished with four of the gold statuettes for best film editing, sound, sound effects editing and visual effects.

The sound engineers on "The Matrix" sewed up the award by eliminating almost all of Keanu's speaking parts.

The Academy Awards show, which ABC aired live from Los Angeles' Shrine Auditorium Sunday night, ran a record-long four hours, eight minutes, by unofficial count, beating the four hours, five minutes of last year's Oscarcast. 

In terms of cleavage bared, it came out to over 1,000 cleavage-hours, also a new record.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 26, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:41 pm UTC

Thousands of sports fans gathered in downtown Seattle on Sunday to watch the great gray roof of the 24-year-old Kingdome collapse in a controlled implosion, making way for a new stadium. 

The fans left disappointed when they realized that the Seahawks weren't in the building at the time of the implosion.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:14 pm UTC

Pope John Paul II journeyed to Jesus' boyhood town of Nazareth on Saturday and visited the spot where the Bible says Mary learned she would give birth to the Christ child. 

He didn't bother to visit the tavern that Mary's husband Joseph went to after he learned that she was having a baby and he wasn't the father.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:05 pm UTC

A woman who made the cover of Playboy as a college student in 1967 learned the picture has reappeared on a shower curtain and t-shirts after her daughter saw the items while shopping. 

After hearing this news, President Clinton got an early jump on his Christmas list.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:49 am UTC

US Airways and the union representing its flight attendants reached a tentative contract deal early Saturday, heading off a strike and a threatened shutdown of the airline. “There will be no interruption in service," the airline said.

Passengers can expect their normal delays and crappy in-flight snacks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:46 am UTC

Tens of thousands of pilgrims, many waving yellow and white Vatican flags, strumming guitars and singing hymns, converged on the Sea of Galilee on Friday to hear Pope John Paul II conduct Mass at the Mount of Beatitudes, where tradition holds that Jesus preached the Sermon on the Mount.

It was all pretty much like it was in Jesus' time, except for the mosh pits

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:46 am UTC

Willie Fulgear, the salvage man who rescued 52 stolen Academy Awards from the trash heap, will receive a $50,000 reward and has been invited to Sunday's Oscars ceremony. 

He doesn't actually receive the money until he sweeps up after the show.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 23, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:14 pm UTC

After several days off the campaign trail, Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush opened a new front in his war of words with Vice President Al Gore on Thursday, labeling the presumptive Democratic nominee as a partisan “obstacle to reform.”

He also said he "makes a better door than a window."

“I know people on the vice president's team don't like it, but I'm going to remind people that this is someone who will say anything to get elected,” Bush said. “This is a man who said he invented the Internet, he did not.”

"I did," said Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:43 pm UTC

Hundreds of people turned up on Wednesday for Monica Lewinsky's appearance at Henri Bendel, an upscale New York store that is exclusively selling her line of handbags.

Monica's handlers originally wanted to name her line of products "handjobs," but Henri Bendel nixed that idea.

In richly hued fabrics such as black and green tiger stripes or mango blossom print, the bags range in price from $138 to $218.

While she was at the store, middle-aged men could, for an additional $10, get five minutes of "Monica Magic."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:53 pm UTC

The federal government Wednesday agreed to pay a record $508 million to more than 1,000 women who claimed they were refused employment by the now defunct U.S. Information Agency solely based on their sex. 

As additional compensation, they've all been offered jobs as White House interns.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:31 pm UTC

Hours after U.S. District Judge Michael Moore threw out a political-asylum lawsuit that cleared the way for 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez to be returned to his father in Cuba, lawyers for the boy's Miami relatives filed a notice of their intention to appeal the decision. 

They'd at least like to overturn the judge's decision that Elian has to return to the same way he came – on a leaky raft.

Earlier Tuesday, Moore wrote that the litigation by the Miami relatives was “well-intended” but it could bring about unintended harm because of “the reality that each passing day is another day lost between Juan Gonzalez and his son.”

Elian's Miami relatives have offered a compromise that will allow Elian to remain in the U.S. – let him live with the Detroit Tiger's star slugger Juan Gonzalez.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:52 pm UTC

Dallas Stars goaltender Ed Belfour offered Dallas police officers $100,000, then progressively higher amounts until reaching $1 billion, if they would not jail him on charges in connection with a scuffle earlier this month at a fashionable hotel, according to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

Belfour kept screaming "Who Wants to Be a Billionaire?" and would only raise the amount after the officers had answered a trivia question correctly.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:52 pm UTC

New Jersey defenseman Scott Niedermayer was suspended 10 games for hitting Florida's Peter Worrell over the helmet with his stick.

It's a good thing he didn't hit him with a puck; the NHL really gets mad if you damage one of those.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:10 pm UTC

The Federal Reserve Tuesday lifted short-term interest rates by another quarter point — the fifth increase in less than eight months — in an effort to slow the seemingly unstoppable U.S. economy.

If this doesn't work, Greespan is considering hiring teenage computer hacker "Coolio" to bring down eBay; that should slow the economy down quite a bit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:31 pm UTC

A spokeswoman for Madonna's record company confirmed the star was pregnant on Monday.

If it's a boy, she's already planning to give birth in a manger and wrap him in swaddling clothes.

The father is Guy Ritchie who shot to fame directing the British gangster blockbuster film "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels."

He named the film after the night he spent with Madonna.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:08 pm UTC

Former Republican presidential candidate John McCain returned Monday to the Senate as a more powerful "super-senator," some congressional observers say.

McCain is taking this assessment a little too literally. In fact, he's already proposed renaming the Senate to the "League of Justice."

"He's going to be given very different treatment than he had in the past," said CNN's senior political analyst Bill Schneider, who noted that McCain is now a "celebrity."

Sean "Puffy" Combs has already been seen lounging in McCain's office.

"There are only two United States senators who have a truly national constituency. One's name is Ted Kennedy and one's name is John McCain," said former White House chief of staff Ken Duberstein, a McCain friend and senior adviser. 

Ted's "national constituency" is made up of all the women that he's harassed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:31 pm UTC

New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, under attack from Senate rival Hillary Rodham Clinton for taking money from gun interests, says he favors a sweeping licensing system for firearm owners. 

In fact, he's already making gun owners buy licenses; they're supposed to make their license fee checks payable to "Giuliani for Senate."

“I do not think the government should cut off the right to bear arms,” Giuliani said. 

He's encouraging Hillary's New York neighbors to bear as many arms as possible.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:04 am UTC

Willie Fulgear, a 61-year-old salvage man, discovered fifty-five gold-plated statues, intended for next weekend's Oscar awards show, which vanished and were presumed stolen March 10. Fulgear found the statues while searching through trash bins in the city's Koreatown neighborhood Sunday night. 

Fulgear was quick to return the statues to their rightful place – a recycling center.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:10 am UTC

Police locked in a standoff with a suspected killer of four say they are trying to avoid agitating the gunman — who is believed to be holding three hostages in a Baltimore-area residence.

The hostage negotiators have been told to avoid discussing politics and religion with him.

Authorities said the suspect, Joseph Palczynski, was believed to be watching the siege on television. 

He does, however, switch the channel when "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" comes on.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:38 am UTC

Films of an FBI field test aimed at resolving whether federal agents fired on Branch Davidians during the final hours of the 1993 Waco standoff will require more extensive examination, a government spokesman said Monday.

In fact, the FBI is hoping to do another, more realistic, recreation of the event. They're waiting to see if there are any survivors from that mass murder-suicide in Uganda who might want to give it another go.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:18 pm UTC

As many as 400 people in Uganda may have died in an apparent mass murder-suicide among members of a doomsday sect called the "Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God."

The group members opted for suicide when they found out that their local "Blockbuster" lost its only copy of the Charlton Heston flick.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:42 am UTC

The royal tour of Australia by Britain's Queen Elizabeth II will lack much of the pomp and ceremony that usually accompanies her visits. The tour, which began on Saturday, is the queen's 13th visit to the country and comes just months after Australians voted in a referendum to keep her as head of state. 

It should actually be a pretty interesting visit, seeing as how most Australians thought they were voting to "keep her head on a stake."

Australian Prime Minister John Howard rejected suggestions that the queen had been snubbed by not having been asked to open the Olympic Games in Sydney this year, saying she was “very happy” with the arrangements. 

Howard did say that she's not too happy about having to throw her own shrimp on the barbie.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:42 pm UTC

Boeing engineers and technical workers are expected to approve a proposed settlement of their strike against the aerospace giant, which has lasted more than a month. 

Boeing says that actually having engineers and technicians working on their planes once again should help to reduce the recent high accident rate among their aircraft.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:34 pm UTC

Hollywood heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio's stepbrother, who was arrested for allegedly attempting to murder his girlfriend, will be released from jail for lack of evidence, police said Friday. Adam Farrar, 28, grew up with DiCaprio in Los Angeles and inspired the “Titanic'' star to pursue an acting career.

Farrar still faces charges of aggravated assault upon the movie-going public for getting DiCaprio into acting in the first place.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:15 pm UTC

Time Inc. on Friday laid to rest the monthly version of venerable Life magazine, whose glossy pages became a photographic chronicle of American people and culture.

It's being reworked and will be published under a new title: "Death".

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:01 am UTC

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced that the Oscar statuettes that were to be handed out at this month's Academy Awards ceremony have been stolen.

On the bright side, with no awards to hand out, this should finally cut down on those long acceptance speeches.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:33 pm UTC

Israeli and Vatican security officials took the popemobile — the bulletproof bubble vehicle — out for a spin Thursday, testing it in advance of Pope John Paul II's upcoming visit to Israel.

They found that it handles quite well around corners.

Preparations are in full swing near the Mount of Beatitudes, the site of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, where the pope will celebrate a Mass next week before an expected crowd of 100,000. 

Ricky Martin will open the show with a version of  "Livin' La Vida Loca" reworded "Livin' La Vida Popa."

Israeli authorities are preparing for the papal visit as they would for a military campaign, leaving no stone unturned.

They didn't find anything under Mick Jagger, but they had to dig pretty deep to check under Brian Jones.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:08 pm UTC

There is “no substantial and credible evidence” that President Bill Clinton and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton sought confidential Federal Bureau of Investigation background checks of former GOP White House personnel during the "Filegate" scandal, according to a report filed Thursday by Whitewater Independent Counsel Robert Ray's office.

Ray's report did say that there was substantial evidence and credible evidence; however, the substantial evidence was not credible and the credible evidence was not substantial.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:11 am UTC

One of the most prolific pairings on the specialty film circuit is coming to an end with director Woody Allen and producer Jean Doumanian parting ways on apparently cordial terms. 

Woody's got his on eye on Doumanian's 16-year old daughter as a replacement.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:54 am UTC

Former Republican presidential contender John McCain next week will announce plans for a political action committee that could lay the groundwork for another presidential run. The committee is to be named “Straight Talk America", keeping alive the slogan embodied in his “Straight Talk Express” campaign bus.

Former Democratic presidential contender Bill Bradley is also considering starting his own political action committee named after his campaign vehicle, the "Boring Talk" train.

McCain is expected to use money from the PAC to travel around the country speaking to groups and campaigning for Republican candidates. It is also possible McCain will make an overseas trip that would be funded through the PAC. 

McCain is figuring he'll need to take his "Straight Talk" message to Hawaii and the Caribbean.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:30 pm UTC

Former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev is supporting a move by lawmakers to award a Congressional Gold Medal to former President Ronald Reagan. 

He'd like his own country to also honor Reagan by tattooing one of those red splotches on his head.

“The award of the Gold Medal of the U.S. Congress to Ronald Reagan is a fitting tribute,” Gorbachev wrote in a letter released Wednesday. “Together with Ronald Reagan, we took the first, most important steps to end the Cold War and start real nuclear disarmament.”

The final step to nuclear disarmament came when Russia's nuclear arsenal was repossessed for delinquent payments.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:30 pm UTC

Former Beatle Paul McCartney has found fresh romance with Heather Mills, a former model who lost a leg in a road accident and is now a campaigner for the limbless victims of warzones, Britain's Times newspaper said Thursday. 

This is an interesting match because a model without a leg is kind of like McCartney without Lennon.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:49 pm UTC

Jane Fonda can't bear to part with a designer dress she promised to auction after wearing it to the March 26 Academy Awards. “I've fallen in love with it,” she said of the strapless satin dress, designed by Vera Wang. 

She claims that the dress is much more attentive and giving then Ted Turner was.

Fonda announced earlier this month the dress would go to the highest bidder at a June 27 movie premiere at the Fox Theatre. She said the proceeds would go to Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention, which Fonda founded in 1995.

She's offered to donate some of Ted Turner's old undershorts instead.

Premiere-goers will still be able bid on a vacation with Fonda to her and estranged husband Ted Turner's Montana ranch. Turner won't be there. 

The dress, however, will be there. In fact, Jane figures to have it stuffed and propped up at Ted's place at the dinner table.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:59 am UTC

Atlanta Braves fans showed their support for relief pitcher John Rocker with a standing ovation during Rocker's first appearance since the World Series — and his controversial Sports Illustrated interview – at a game at the Braves' spring training camp in Disney World.

Afterward, Rocker and the fans joined hands and sang "It's a White World, After All".

Rocker sprinted to the mound from the right-field bullpen with a record crowd of 10,078, including a young boy with a “Rocker for President” placard, standing and cheering.

George W. Bush is considering Rocker as his vice-presidential running-mate, figuring that he could help nail down the "racist redneck" vote.

Two amusement park security guards, dressed in black-and-white striped referee's shirts, stayed close to the left-hander as he signed autographs for fans.

Normally, the Disney security guards are dressed like Mickey Mouse, but that was changed when Rocker complained that the famous mouse was "a little too black" for his taste.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:56 am UTC

Sean Elliott of the San Antonio Spurs was 1-for-3 from the field while playing 12 minutes of the Spurs 94-79 win Tuesday night, in his first NBA game since he received a kidney transplant seven months ago.

In honor of Elliott's return to action, the Spurs gave each of the first 5,000 fans in attendance a piece of one of his old kidneys.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:26 am UTC

Wisconsin Gov. Tommy Thompson is planning to file a lawsuit to block the implementation of new federal rules which would give the Department of Health and Human Services the power to distribute donor organs. 

Thompson is upset because these new rules will mean an end to Wisconsin's highly profitable "Organ Lotto" scratch tickets.

In fact, a bill approved by the Senate Commerce Committee last year stripped HHS of almost all its authority over organ transplant policy. But Sens. Bill Frist and Edward Kennedy are now working on a compromise expected to be introduced next week. 

It figures that Ted Kennedy would be supporting a bill allowing the federal government to decide who gets a new liver.

In response to the government's concern about the way in which donor organs are distributed, the United Network for Organ Sharing agreed to rank patients based on an objective point system. Those with the most points would be at the top of the list for donated organs.

This means that if Sean Elliott needs another kidney transplant, he'd better start scoring more than 2 points per game.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:47 pm UTC

Ponchai Wilkerson, a condemned killer, shocked prison officials in Texas on Tuesday when he spit out a universal handcuff and leg restraint key as lethal drugs began taking effect during his execution.

In response, prison officials said that they would no longer offer the "Universal Key Casserole" on the last meal menu.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:14 pm UTC

Michael Skakel, a nephew of the late U.S. Sen. Robert F. Kennedy, was arraigned in court Tuesday on charges of murdering Martha Moxley 25 years ago, but on the way out told the dead girl's mother, “I feel your grief, but you've got the wrong guy.” 

He added that he thought she was getting warmer, since they were any number of other Kennedy boys that could have been responsible for a girl's death. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:08 pm UTC

Bishop Sean O'Malley of Fall River, Massachusetts, granted a dispensation to Catholics in his Diocese to eat the traditional meal of corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day, a Friday during Lent when Catholics are normally encouraged to abstain from eating meat.

He granted Catholics a dispensation to eat McDonald's new "McCorned Beef" sandwich, which doesn't really have any beef in it anyway.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:17 am UTC

Timothy McVeigh , the man convicted of the worst instance of domestic terrorism in the history of the United States, started becoming disillusioned with the U.S. government during his service in the Gulf War, he told CBS's "60 Minutes" in an interview aired Sunday. 

He was unhappy because the Army wouldn't let him join a demolition unit.

McVeigh said he killed enemy soldiers there but grew to question whether he was doing the right thing. "I thought … what right did I have to come over to this person's country and kill him?"

He figured that a fella ought to stick to killing his own countrymen.

"I believe I had anger welling in me," McVeigh said in the interview. 

Turned out that it was just some indigestion from those army rations.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:40 pm UTC

Pope John Paul II on Sunday asked for forgiveness for many of his church's past sins, including its treatment of Jews, heretics, women and native peoples. 

The Pope also apologized to Catholics for some of the more annoying church rules like "no premarital sex" and "you have to eat fish on Fridays."

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:42 am UTC

"Sporty Spice" Mel C Sunday hinted that the Spice Girls, a multimillion-selling worldwide pop sensation, may go their separate ways in the future.

This was news because nobody knew that the Spice Girls were still together.

Speaking on Sky television, Melanie Chisholm — the oldest band member who is often described as "the one who can sing" — said she was enjoying branching out on her own solo career. Chisholm said Sunday that her work with the Spice Girls had some "limiting" factors. 

If you're in a band and you're referred to as "the one who can sing," then I'd say your bandmates are probably the most "limiting" factors.

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March 12, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:08 am UTC

Vice President Al Gore won Arizona's Democratic primary on Saturday, as voters were allowed for the first time anywhere to cast their selections on the World Wide Web. 

Teenaged computer-hacker "Coolio" came in second.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 11, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:49 pm UTC

For the first time in nearly two years, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and her presumed rival for the U.S. Senate, New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, appeared at the same event Saturday night.

This finally put to rest those rumors that Hillary was really Guiliani in drag.

The two likely competitors, who have been trading strong campaign rhetoric for months, shook hands cordially during a face-to-face meeting at the annual black-tie charity fund-raiser known as “Inner Circle.” 

Giuliani thought that he'd get to take a free swing at Hillary, until his aides told him that it was a black-TIE dinner, not a black-EYE dinner.

The dinner is an annual affair where members of the news media and the mayor are called on to roast one another, pitching verbal barbs contained in songs and skits. 

In addition to the verbal barbs, Hillary chucked a few metal barbs at Guiliani, like her fork!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 11, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:46 am UTC

Berkshire Hathaway Inc., the holding company run by billionaire investor Warren Buffett, said on Saturday its 1999 profits fell 45 percent. In a letter to shareholders Buffett said “We had the worse absolute performance of my tenure and ... the worst relative performance as well.”

Buffett said he expects Jimmy's performances to improve in 2000.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:47 pm UTC

Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore won their respective Republican and Democratic primaries Friday in Utah and Colorado, days after Democrat Bill Bradley and GOP Sen. John McCain of Arizona had dropped out the presidential race. “Tonight was a great victory, but let me tell you: You ain't seen nothing yet,” Gore said of his wins Friday. 

Gore was referring to the upcoming Harlem Globetrotters-Washington Generals basketball game, which should be more exciting than these primaries were.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:04 pm UTC

A judge's ruling Friday will allow the media in the courtroom when Michael Skakel, a 39-year-old nephew of the late Sen. Robert F. Kennedy, is arraigned as a juvenile on charges he murdered a 15-year-old girl in 1975. 

If convicted, Skakel could face up to ten years of having to go to bed without supper.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC

Screen legend Katharine Hepburn, who turns 93 on May 12, told a New York newspaper she is feeling fine, despite occasional rumors that she is bed-ridden and ailing. Her friend, actor Max Showalter, told the Post Hepburn sits down to four square meals a day and “eats like a horse.”

He did admit that she often needs assistance getting the feeding bag on.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:24 am UTC

Winless from the start, Bill Bradley yesterday abandoned his renegade race for the White House and vowed to support Vice President Al Gore even as he rapped the Gore campaign's ''distortions and negativity.'' 

Bradley has offered to display his rapping ability at future Gore campaign stops.

Bradley called Gore to pledge his backing before he urged several hundred supporters near his New Jersey headquarters to rally behind the prospective Democratic nominee.

He was hoping that one of his supporters behind Gore would get down on all fours behind his knees so somebody else could push Gore over from the front.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:21 am UTC

John McCain, the combative Arizona senator who gave Texas Governor George W. Bush a serious run for his ample money, has given up his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.

In 2004, the GOP is going to save itself the expense of all these primaries and just put the nomination up for bid on eBay.

McCain has no plans to release the delegates he has won to Bush, his campaign manager Rick Davis said later. 

In the meantime, he's keeping them locked up in his basement.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 9, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:33 pm UTC

The clothes that Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was wearing at the time two men were stabbed to death outside an Atlanta nightclub, have been turned over to the police. Lewis, who has been charged with assault and murder stemming from the Jan. 31 fight, reportedly had worn a full-length, white fur coat and white cowboy hat to the nightclub.

As if being charged with a double murder isn't bad enough, Lewis has also been chosen for this year's "Worst Dressed" list for that outfit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:56 pm UTC

Darva Conger, who married Rick Rockwell on the Fox-TV special ''Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire,'' has filed for an annulment, calling the wedding a fraud and saying she had not known about her husband's allegedly violent past. 

She was mostly angry that they didn't have a wedding cake.

The 34-year-old emergency room nurse has also been fired from her job in a Los Angeles hospital, a spokesman said on Wednesday.

Hospital officials were afraid that she'd throw herself at every multimillionaire who came through the emergency room.

Meanwhile, Rockwell has announced plans for a national comedy tour, starting with two dates in Tempe, Arizona. He dismissed as a joke news reports that he was asking a Web site to help him pick a new bride.

He liked the joke so much that he's planning to use it in his act.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:29 pm UTC

The Football Museum in Preston, northern England, said on Wednesday it had bought what is said to be the world's oldest book about soccer. Entitled “Discourse on the game of football”, it was written in Italy in 1580.

It's not actually the oldest written work on soccer. That honor belongs to some cave drawings depicting caveman soccer fans beating each other with their clubs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:04 am UTC

The road to the presidency straightened Tuesday for Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore, as the two scored dominant victories in the Super Tuesday primaries and made themselves near-certain GOP and Democratic presidential nominees. 

The road that challengers Bill Bradley and John McCain were on, however, was apparently the same one that Southwest Airlines 737 ran onto after it ran off the end of its runway in Los Angeles.

Gore swept his challenger, former New Jersey Sen. Bill Bradley, in every Democratic Party contest Tuesday, including the primary in Missouri — Bradley's home state.

Bradley's own mother even admitted voting for Gore, saying that her son was "a little too dry" for her.

Although Sen. John McCain did win several primaries in New England Tuesday, they did not appear likely to keep his campaign off life support. Aides to the Arizona senator told CNN's John King late Tuesday night that the delegate math “appeared devastating.”

McCain is planning on getting some aides who are better at math.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:06 am UTC

A replacement batch of more than 4,000 Oscar ballots was mailed out Tuesday night after a mix-up at the post office prevented voters from getting their valuable correspondence. 

The Oscar ballots were mixed up with a bunch of California Democratic primary absentee ballots; unfortunately for Bill Bradley, Gore still beat him out, this time for Best Actor, although Bradley's wife Ernestine beat out Tipper Gore for Best Supporting Actress.

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March 7, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:23 pm UTC

Thousands of protesters from across the country marched, carried signs and listened to speakers Tuesday as they denounced Republican Gov. Jeb Bush's plan to end affirmative action in Florida. 

In an effort to satisfy his detractors, Bush said he would continue to give special consideration to minorities when hiring his own personal servants.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 7, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:18 pm UTC

Four couples are preparing to stage a ''bed in'' in a shop window in the English city of Liverpool — home to the Beatles — as part of a 60th birthday celebration for the group's late singer John Lennon. Paying tribute to the famous “Bed-In for Peace” staged 31 years ago by Lennon and his wife Yoko Ono, the four couples will hop into their double beds Friday and begin a lie-in competition to see who can stay there the longest.

If there's no winner after a couple of weeks, they'll move to the "tie-breaker" stage, where the contest organizers will see how long the remaining couples can last while Yoko's singing is played continuously.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 7, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:06 am UTC

A demonstrator wearing a Leonardo DiCaprio mask faked ritual suicide Tuesday in front of several hundred onlookers outside a cinema in Thailand to protest what activists call environmental crimes committed in making the Hollywood star's latest movie, “The Beach.” 

At first, the onlookers began cheering and applauding, until they realized it wasn't actually DiCaprio and he wasn't actually committing suicide.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 7, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:52 am UTC

The United States is considering scrapping trade sanctions on Iranian caviar, carpets and pistachio nuts in a bid to improve relations with Tehran, the Los Angeles Times said on Tuesday. 

Thank God. Donald Trump and Bill Gates will no longer have to buy that cheap Mexican caviar anymore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 7, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:13 am UTC

The Republican National Committee has given out the telephone numbers of Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings and Dan Rather, urging Republicans to call the network anchors to protest the lack of coverage of the trial of Vice President Gore's former fund-raiser for arranging illegal contributions to Democrats during the 1996 campaign. 

The Committee urged callers to do the old "Do you have 'Prince Albert in a Can'?" crank call.

By late Monday afternoon, ABC said it had received a few dozen phone calls and NBC received less than 15 while CBS reported only “a handful” of calls.

Sounds like Dan Rather was pulling up the rear once again. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:04 am UTC

George W. Bush or his surrogates will return to the fund-raising circuit this month to replenish coffers drained by heavy spending in response to an unexpectedly strong challenge mounted by Arizona Sen. John McCain. 

They spent a lot of money on those t-shirts which had "Bush for President" on the front and a cartoon of George W. peeing on Arizona on the back.

The campaign has scheduled five fund-raisers for March and April, and is considering five to seven more, with a goal of raising $5-10 million. 

One of those fund-raisers will provide donors a chance to talk one-on-one with the Bush's brother Jeb, the Governor of Florida, which they're calling "Jawin' with Jeb".

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:42 am UTC

An investigation was under way Monday after a Southwest Airlines 737 with 142 people aboard skidded off the end of a rain-slicked runway in Burbank, California. The jet smashed through an airport fence Sunday night and ran into a busy street, striking two cars. 

Fortunately, the pilot escaped with only minor injuries, although he's going to get a few points on his driver's license for running a red light.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:38 pm UTC

A slimmer Tom Hanks is due in Memphis next month to film parts of a movie in which he plays an island castaway, a spokeswoman says. 

He's slimmed down enough to fit into the dress he wore on "Bosom Buddies".

Hanks plays a workaholic Federal Express executive who survives a plane crash and is stranded alone on a small island in the film “Cast Away".

To prepare for the role, Hanks tried to restrict himself to only live off the income he received for "Joe Versus the Volcano" and "The Man with One Red Shoe".

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March 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:36 pm UTC

“Today” show host Katie Couric took a camera crew along as she underwent a recent colonoscopy, a screening test for cancer. The procedure will be shown Monday and Tuesday on the NBC morning show as part of a weeklong series on colon cancer. 

She likened the experience to working with Bryant Gumbel.

Couric was given a mild sedative for the test.

She was given what she usually needed to get through the "Today" show with Bryant: a couple of stiff drinks.

Executive producer Jeff Zucker told The Philadelphia Inquirer “We try to do it with tremendous sensitivity. We don't show a lot of her colon. We're not going to gross anybody out.” 

They're waiting until Al Roker goes in for his colonoscopy to gross people out.

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March 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:09 pm UTC

Chile's former dictator Augusto Pinochet on Sunday remained holed up inside a luxury mansion, two days after returning home from his 503-day detention in Britain and escaping a torture trial in Spain. 

Pinochet said that having to eat British food for 503 days was the worst torture trial he could ever face.

Pinochet, who ruled this South American nation with an iron fist for 17 years, planned to spend another day resting with his family, local media reported on Sunday. 

He was going to have the fist polished while he was resting.

Chile's government lambasted Friday's jubilant street celebrations by Pinochet supporters, saying it was a disgrace that a party should be thrown for the return of a sick man. 

The government said that they should just wait a few days until he dies and then they can all have a kick-ass wake.

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March 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:55 am UTC

Pope John Paul II on Sunday beatified 44 martyrs, honoring them as courageous models for today's Catholics.

The Pope rejected Ted Kennedy's request to beatify his brother, John, despite Ted's argument that the former President is a role model for today's Catholics who are interested in bagging famous hot babes.

Beatification is the last formal step before the process of sainthood can begin. 

Beatification comes after Elvis-ification but before Madonna-fication 

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March 4, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:35 pm UTC

Bob Jones University's decision to lift its half-century-old ban on interracial dating has stunned the fundamentalist Christian school's supporters who learned about it Friday night in a national television interview with President Bob Jones III. 

Most of the girls at the school were afraid that it meant that they'd have to go out with Alan Keyes.

The school had defended the dating ban based on a biblical interpretation that God created people differently for a reason. 

For example, God made fundamentalist Christians much more annoying than the rest of us so that they wouldn't reproduce too often. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 4, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:26 am UTC

Saying on Friday that “we can't back it up with a verse in the Bible,” the president of Bob Jones University said his school has ended its ban on interracial dating in the wake of the controversy stirred by George W. Bush's visit to the fundamentalist Christian school. 

They've actually decided to just shut down the University completely, since they were also unable to find any verse in the Bible which supported the notion that anybody named "Bob Jones" should have an educational institution named after him.

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March 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 11:26 pm UTC

President Clinton this weekend will become the first U.S. president to retrace the steps of black and white civil rights workers who defied segregationist authorities in an effort to march to the Alabama Capitol in Montgomery from Selma. 

Clinton agreed to go along when he heard that they'd be stopping at all those diners along the way where African Americans were refused service.

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March 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:07 pm UTC

Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Arizona Sen. John McCain took their raucous GOP presidential nomination fight to New York on Friday. 

They're going to match up on the undercard of the Oscar De La Hoya fight at Madison Square Garden.

On the Democratic side, Vice President Al Gore confidently continued to ignore challenger Bill Bradley. 

This was evident at their last debate where, each time Bradley spoke, Gore would close his eyes, cover his ears and say, "La la la ... I can't hear you... la la la."

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March 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:10 pm UTC

Movie star Julia Roberts was deemed the "most powerful celebrity on the planet'" by Forbes magazine on Friday.

She was voted “most powerful” because of her uncanny ability to put large groups of people to sleep with her acting.

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March 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:10 am UTC

Kevin Uliassi today ended his attempt to become the first solo balloonist to make it around the world, touching down in Myanmar after traveling more than 13, 225 miles since launching from a rock quarry near Rockford, IL on February 22. Uliassi's condition was not immediately released by mission organizers. 

The organizers did say, however, that Uliassi's voice may be permanently higher after breathing in all that helium for almost 10 days.

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March 2, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:23 pm UTC

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kathy Ireland, an avid golfer, now has her own golf tournament, The Kathy Ireland LPGA Classic. 

It's hard to know who's more excited about having a supermodel on the links: golf fans or LPGA members themselves!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 2, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:17 am UTC

With New York Cardinal John O'Connor's health deteriorating, the U.S. Senate quickly voted to award the Catholic leader the nation's highest civilian honor, the Congressional Gold Medal. 

Now O'Connor gets to go to Sydney, Australia this summer and compete in the Olympic Team Catholic competition.

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March 2, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:27 am UTC

Former British royal Sarah Ferguson charmed a department store crowd while making a pitch for Wedgwood china.

She demonstrated how sturdy Wedgwood china by showing that one of its plates could support the considerable weight of her normal lunch.

Ferguson is on a promotional tour for her very own Wedgwood china pattern, "Sarah's Garden."

It's got a picture of Sarah grazing in her back yard.

"She's so down to earth, like someone you could have lunch with," one onlooker said. 

Actually, having lunch with Sarah is like having lunch with about three or four people, in terms of total food consumed.

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March 2, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:41 am UTC

Vice President Al Gore and former New Jersey Sen. Bill Bradley took the occasional polemic swing at each other Wednesday night in a key Democratic presidential debate here, the last scheduled between the two before 'Super Tuesday'. 

It seemed pretty clear that Bradley has already thrown in the towel on the election when he showed up wearing a "Gore for President" t-shirt.

Instead of taking the vice president to task — as he has done in previous debates — a surprisingly docile Bradley initially appeared to shadow Gore as the vice president outlined initiatives he would support if elected president.

Gore didn't like it when Bradley "shadowed" him in the men's room.

Gore, in turn, greeted many of Bradley's responses by saying, “I agree with that statement” many times throughout the debate. 

Each time he said it, Gore would then make one of those "he's crazy" gestures to the audience by rotating his index finger around his ear.

Debate panelist Ron Brownstein of the Los Angeles Times challenged Bradley to exhume some of the accusations Bradley made against Gore at an earlier debate — namely, that Gore held a conservative voting record as a member of the House and Senate in matters of abortion and gun use and ownership. “He has evolved,” Bradley said. “I'm glad he has evolved.” 

Specifically, Gore has evolved from his earlier "Alpha Male" role, which makes Tipper glad too, because now he no longer drags her around by the hair.

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March 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:05 am UTC

Former Beatle Paul McCartney was quoted on Thursday as saying he was so overcome by grief after his wife Linda died in 1998 that he had not expected to outlive her by more than a few months. 

In the end, Paul survived Linda's passing, but what almost REALLY killed him was VH1's pathetic made for TV movie about him and John, "Two of Us."

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March 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:12 am UTC

With victories under their belts in Tuesday's Democratic and Republican presidential primaries, Vice President Al Gore and Texas Gov. George W. Bush are setting their sights on next week's Super Tuesday contest that will award nearly half of the delegates needed for their respective parties' nominations.

Fox will be covering the Super Tuesday festivities, beginning with a four-hour pre-ballot show and ending with John Madden announcing his "All Primary" team.

Bush won all three events Tuesday on a busy GOP election night, winning primaries in Virginia and Washington state and caucuses in North Dakota. 

Bush hadn't really been concentrating on the North Dakota vote. In fact, when his aides told him that he'd won in North Dakota, he thought that he'd won a Dodge Dakota truck.

Al Gore's success in Washington state's non-binding primary dashed the hopes of rival Bill Bradley, who spent six days courting Evergreen State voters in a bid for a badly needed campaign boost. 

In his desperation to save his campaign, Bradley took the courting thing a little too far and, as a result, has dates lined up for the next 10 Saturdays.

“I'm happy about this fight," McCain told supporters at a rally in Bakersfield, California. 

Yeah, he's probably about as happy as Joey Gamache was after getting knocked senseless by Arturo Gatti last Saturday night.

CNN exit polls showed that Bush won over voters who considered themselves part of the so-called religious right by a margin of eight to one. 

Bush's strategy of tossing a few Catholics to the lions really paid off.

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