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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
May 31, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:37 pm UTC

French-Canadian pop star Celine Dion, who has said she badly wants a child, underwent two small operations over the past few days to improve her chances of becoming pregnant.

She had corrective laser surgery on each eye, which ought to help her find a new husband who's not 26 years older than she is. That'll improve her chances of getting pregnant immensely.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 31, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:53 pm UTC

Pop singer Michael Jackson has launched a new business career on the Internet by taking a stake in Web start-up HollywoodTicket.com. Along with his ownership stake, Jackson will have a role in securing deals with “major figures in movies, TV, music and other entertainment fields” to appear on the site, the singer said in a statement on Wednesday.

Michael has volunteered to handle deals with all pre-pubescent boy celebrities.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:55 pm UTC

A member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ran onto the stage at a government nutrition summit on Tuesday and heaved a tofu cream pie at Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman.

In response to this new type of attack, the Secret Service is now asking all potential hires if they'd be willing to take a pastry for the president.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:09 pm UTC

A Houston hospital has refuted reports that rock guitarist Eddie van Halen has cancer.

It turns out that large, immobile lump on his arm is just his wife, Valerie Bertinelli.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:54 am UTC

350 residents of Pineville, Louisiana unknowingly drank and bathed in water contaminated by sewage for almost three months because city workers mistakenly connected a sewer line to an underground water pipe.

The rest of the town's residents KNOWINGLY drank and bathed in the contaminated water.

“Whenever we'd take a shower it really smelled,” said one resident.

Fortunately, the average Louisiana resident only showers once or twice a month.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:43 pm UTC

Elian Gonzalez and his family have left a Maryland farm for another temporary home in Washington, D.C. in order to “have more access to attorneys,” said a spokesman. 

Now THAT is child abuse.

A motorcade of passenger vans and cars took four hours to make the trip from the farm to the Washington location, a trip that normally takes just over an hour.

The trip took longer than normal because Elian's father and stepmother kept making the motorcade pull over at convenience stores for Super Big Gulps.

The Gonzalez family had been joined for much of their stay by Elian's Cuban kindergarten teacher, four of his Cuban classmates and some of their parents, and his favorite Cuban cousin. 

Just to make Elian feel at home, they all lived in one room together.

A family friend confirmed reports Elian has been given a pet dog during his stay. 

Fortunately, somebody stopped Elian's father before he had his wife cook it up for dinner.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:42 pm UTC

John and Patsy Ramsey submitted to five lie-detector tests earlier this month in an attempt to refute police suspicion that they were involved in the 1996 murder of their daughter, JonBenet. Examiner Ed Gelb said the test results show the couple was not lying when they denied killing their 6-year-old.

Gelb did admit, however, that the Ramseys may have been lying when they denied “accidentally” strangling and bludgeoning JonBenet.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:24 pm UTC

The House of Representatives approved a bill early Wednesday evening that grants the People's Republic of China a permanent trade agreement on par with many of the privileges enjoyed by America's closest allies. 

This deal is better for China than for most other countries. They export cheap toys, clothing and electronics to us and we export nuclear secrets to them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:52 pm UTC

Crayon manufacturers have moved to assure the safety of their products, and government agencies have vowed to investigate, after the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported finding levels of asbestos in crayons.

A Crayola spokesman was quick to point out that their crayons couldn't possibly contain asbestos because they were made from 100% lead paint chips.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:30 am UTC

Tabloid favorites Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant announced on Wednesday that they had split. The showbiz couple made in heaven began to go sour in 1995 when Grant was arrested in Los Angeles for engaging in a sex act in the back of a BMW with a prostitute.

They didn't have any trouble deciding who got the BMW; Hurley didn't want it, what with all those stains on the back seat.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 23, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:16 am UTC

The wife of CNN talk show host Larry King gave birth to the couple's second child Monday, a boy weighing just over seven pounds. “Everybody is doing fine,” a spokeswoman said.

King's wife is doing especially fine because this means she doesn't have to have sex with Larry again for at least six weeks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:41 pm UTC

The Arkansas Supreme Court has recommended that President Bill Clinton's privilege to practice law in his home state should be revoked because of “serious misconduct” in the Paula Jones sexual harassment case.

That'll throw a wrench into Clinton's plan for meeting women once he moves back to Arkansas – being a public defender for prostitutes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:54 pm UTC

The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday struck down as unconstitutional a portion of a federal law that restricts adult programming on cable to the overnight hours if providers do not fully scramble the signal, which could open the floodgates to a deluge of sexually explicit programming on cable.

This should clear the way for the return of former children's show host Pee Wee Herman to television in his new cable show, “Pee Wee's Pornographic Playhouse.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:10 pm UTC

Donato Dalrymple, the man who held 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez in his arms while hiding in a closet during a raid by federal agents who were trying to reunite Elian with his father, is suing Attorney General Janet Reno for allegedly violating his civil rights during the raid.

NAMBLA, the National Man-Boy Love Association, is calling this one of the most important civil rights cases in U.S. history.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:26 am UTC

British actor Sir John Gielgud, who held his place alongside Laurence Olivier as one of Britain's leading actors, has died at age 96, his family said on Monday. Gielgud was perhaps best known to American audiences for his portrayal of the butler Hobson opposite Dudley Moore's spoiled, drunken playboy in the movie “Arthur.”

That's probably the only time that Dudley Moore has been mentioned in the same paragraph as Laurence Olivier.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:08 am UTC

Actor Matthew Perry, star of the hit TV show “Friends,” wrecked his Porsche Saturday when he swerved to avoid a car on the narrow streets of the Hollywood Hills and drove into someone's porch, police said. 

Halle Berry was seen speeding away from the accident.

Sgt. Paul Partridge said Perry, who, along with the other “Friends” stars negotiated new contracts which will pay each actor $750,000 per episode for two years, was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of the noon accident. 

Perry was, however, under the influence of that ridiculous amount of money he's about to make. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:53 am UTC

The National Rifle Association is negotiating a lease for a “total shooting sports” theme store at New York City's Times Square, a spokesman for the organization said.

They're going to call it “Times Square Like it Used to Be.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 19, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:53 am UTC

Comedian Dana Carvey has sued over double bypass heart surgery he underwent in 1998, alleging that surgeon Elias Hanna operated on the wrong artery and claiming that, as a result, he was forced to forego work which included a spot on the “Hollywood Squares” game show.

After talking it over with his agent, Carvey decided not only to drop the lawsuit, but to actually reward Dr. Hanna for saving him from the embarassment of having to appear on the “Hollywood Squares.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:31 pm UTC

Marla Maples has decided to auction off the diamond engagement ring Donald Trump gave her, leaving her ex-husband dumbfounded. “It seems pretty tacky to me,” said Trump, who began dating Maples when he was still married to Ivana Trump and gave the ring to Maples in the early '90s. They divorced in 1997.

Trump's comments came during a press conference at which he announced that his next wedding would be shown on pay-per-view this summer, as soon as an available super-model was found.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:13 pm UTC

Julia Roberts had a hard time sleeping during a recent movie shoot in Mexico when a donkey was braying right outside her hotel. 

She thought it was Lyle Lovett trying to win her back with a serenade.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:19 pm UTC

The artist formerly known as Prince announced Tuesday that he will be, now and forever, known again as Prince. 

He should change his name one last time to the Artist Who Formerly Sold Albums.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

Helen Thomas, the woman known as the dean of the White House Press Corps, resigned after 57 years with United Press International after it was purchased by News World Communications, which is connected to the Unification Church led by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. 

She wasn't excited about the fact that the Unification Church was going to require her to submit to an arranged marriage to Sam Donaldson.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:45 am UTC

NBC announced Monday it will expand its immensely profitable “Today” show to three hours, airing from 7 a.m. to 10 a.m., starting Sept. 15. The additional time will give the network the chance to increase the role of weatherman Al Roker, who's been eager to do something more.

Al's eager to work a few more food segments.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:10 pm UTC

Presidential contenders Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore confronted each other's plans to secure the solvency of the federal government's sprawling Social Security program on Monday.

Bush's solution: execute everybody over 65

Gore's solution: bore everybody over 65 to death

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:57 pm UTC

Hoping to boost its struggling Mars program, NASA is considering whether to send a surface lander or an orbiter to the red planet in 2003.

They're having trouble deciding whether to crash the lander into the surface or burn the orbiter up in the atmosphere.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:23 pm UTC

The cast of NBC's “Friends” signed a two-year contract renewal on Sunday, just a day before the network is to unveil its fall lineup, Warner Bros. Television and NBC announced. David Schwimmer, Lisa Kudrow, Matthew Perry, Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox Arquette and Matt LeBlanc will each receive $750,000 per episode.

That's probably a good career move for the cast of “Friends,” since $750,000 is more than the combined gross revenue from the following movies: “The Pallbearer” starring David Schwimmer, “Clockwatchers” starring Lisa Kudrow, “Fools Rush In” starring Matthew Perry, “She's the One” starring Jennifer Aniston, “Commandments” starring Courteney Cox and “Lost in Space” starring Matt LeBlanc.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:08 pm UTC

Austrian Chancellor Wolfgang Schuessel said in an interview published on Sunday that a “Franco-German directorate” should not be allowed to dictate European Union policy on political sanctions against Austria. 

Schuessel said he was more in favor of a Franco-American directorate, or anything that included Chef Boy-Ar-Dee.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 13, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:07 pm UTC

California Gov. Gray Davis has proposed to exempt teachers from paying state income tax, in an effort to attract more teachers to California, which has been struggling with some of the nation's lowest-performing students. 

Now those low-performing California students can become California school teachers when they grow up – since they won't need to know math to do their taxes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 11, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:23 pm UTC

Trustees of Indiana University are considering asking legendary basketball coach Bobby Knight to resign, due to accusations of physical and verbal abuse during his 29 year tenure. Among other things, Knight has been accused of throwing a vase near a secretary 12 years ago, attacking a former assistant coach, and choking a former player during a practice.

The World Wrestling Federation is expected to make Knight an offer to join them as a character called the “Hammerin' Hoosier.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 11, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:25 pm UTC

Attorney General Janet Reno on Thursday blasted Congress for its failure to pass gun control legislation. “The (Senate) bill has languished in conference for nine months while over 20,000 people have been killed by gunfire in America. That's just simply plain, outrageously wrong,” Reno said. 

She also started to point out how many children had been abducted at gun-point in the last nine months, but then thought better of that.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:19 pm UTC

In a harshly worded court filing, Microsoft Corp. asked a federal judge Wednesday to reject the government's proposed breakup of the company, calling such a move an “extreme remedy.”

Microsoft's lawyers also said that the government's request that Bill Gates be sawed in half was “mean spirited.” 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:59 am UTC

A new study released on Wednesday found that online use among women now reaches that of men. Women now make up 50 percent of the online population, although men go online more frequently. 

This is mainly due to the fact that pornography sites are updated much more frequently than www.marthastewart.com.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 9, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:43 pm UTC

Former Republican presidential opponents John McCain and George W. Bush emerged all smiles from their long-anticipated meeting on Tuesday, as the Arizona senator endorsed his once bitter rival. “I endorse Governor Bush, I endorse Governor Bush, I endorse Governor Bush,” McCain replied when reporters asked if he had difficulty using the “endorse” word. 

McCain then added, “Read my lips, I endorse Governor Bush.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 9, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:00 pm UTC

After hours of questioning, Philippine investigators have released Reomel Ramones, 27, who was being questioned in the “ILOVEYOU” computer virus case due to insufficient evidence. 

Ramones said he was anxious to get home and check his email.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 9, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:00 pm UTC

A federal appeals court on Tuesday upheld a $5.4 million jury decision that pop superstar Michael Bolton partly plagiarized one of his biggest hits – “Love Is a Wonderful Thing” — from legendary soul singers the Isley Brothers. 

The Isley Brothers immediately announced a second lawsuit for the pain and suffering caused by being associated with a Michael Bolton song.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 9, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC

A new survey of the United States' leading teachers suggests that more competitive pay and better benefits would help to end America's growing teacher shortage. However, respondents also wrote — many at length, filling the margins and backs of their survey forms — about the need for greater respect, from school administrators, legislators and society at large. 

School administrators responded by saying that teachers will get more respect once they stop writing in the margins and backs of their survey forms and learn to follow instructions better.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:05 pm UTC

Rocker Tommy Lee, who spent four months in jail for kicking actress wife Pamela Anderson, could be sent to prison again after allegedly violating his probation by drinking alcohol, prosecutors said Monday. 

He's still free to kick Pamela Anderson as much as he wants.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:05 pm UTC

Sen. John McCain is expected to publicly endorse George W. Bush on Tuesday, according to two advisers. A third adviser said he would not be surprised at an endorsement, but suggested it hinged on the tone of the face-to-face meeting in Pittsburgh between the former GOP presidential rivals. 

It'll also hinge on how much Iron City Beer Bush can get McCain to drink.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:13 pm UTC

Philippine investigators on Monday were questioning a man whose apartment in Manila's lower middle-class Pandacan neighborhood they suspect to be the source of the “ILOVEYOU” virus. Agents of the Philippines' National Bureau of Investigation said Reomel Ramores, 27, was “invited” to answer questions Monday. 

He was also “invited” to sign a confession before his teeth were “escorted” from his mouth.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:08 pm UTC

Mario Miguel Chaoui, a Cuban college baseball player who abruptly left his teammates shortly after arriving in the United States at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport Saturday afternoon, surfaced in Miami and intends to defect, a sports agent said Monday.

He was found hiding in a closet with that fisherman who rescued Elian Gonzalez.

“We don't know why he has made this decision,” said team captain Osmar Ernesto Fernandez, who has known Chaoui since boyhood. “In Cuba, we have everything we need.”

Sure, everything except for food, clothing, gasoline and medical care.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:13 pm UTC

The Big Game lottery jackpot, already the nation's heftiest in history, grew Monday to $325 million.

Due the extreme rate of increase in the jackpot, Big Game officials are considering renaming it “The Lewinsky Game.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:44 pm UTC

The Federal Communications Commission on Wednesday ruled that Time Warner Inc. violated federal rules when it shut down Walt Disney Co.'s ABC programming to 3.5 million cable subscribers during the key ''sweeps'' period that networks use to set ad rates. 

The FCC also ruled that Time Warner was “out of line” when it burned Mickey Mouse in effigy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:01 pm UTC

Golf superstar Tiger Woods has refused to film a commercial, honoring a strike by TV and radio commercial actors.

He was going to do a Budwesier ad with those “Whassup?!” guys.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 3, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 3:03 pm UTC

An admittedly “furious” Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called employees to a “town hall” meeting Wednesday to issue a furious warning about security lapses following last February's disappearance of a laptop computer containing highly sensitive information. The meeting of more than 800 staff members was transmitted live on an internal State Department channel and piped digitally to missions around the world. 

In yet another embarrassing security lapse, Albright's meeting was also accidentally transmitted over the ABC television network in the middle of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:49 pm UTC

Using a new, precise measurement of the force of gravity, physicists have recalculated the mass of the Earth to be 5.972 sextillion metric tons, or .006 sextillion metric tons lighter than previously thought.

Researchers attribute the change to Monica Lewinsky being on a flight from New York to L.A. for a book signing at the time the measurements were gathered.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:54 am UTC

In his most extensive public comments yet on his top-secret search for a running mate, Vice President Al Gore said he is looking for someone unlike himself.

Somebody, he said, a little looser, a little more fun at cocktail parties, a little better with the ladies than he. Unfortunately, Bill Clinton is ineligible.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:54 am UTC

British tabloids said Monday that Madonna's love life is in turmoil, reporting that the pop superstar was in “crisis talks” with the father of her unborn child, director Guy Ritchie.

In an effort to resolve the turmoil in her favor, Madonna is reportedly considering hiring an expert in mediating “crisis talks” — Janet Reno.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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