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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 31, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:23 pm UTC

Actor and National Rifle Association President Charlton Heston spent three weeks in an alcohol rehabilitation program last spring after his social drinking got out of hand, his publicist said Monday. 

It wasn't so much his social drinking that got out of hand as it was the social shooting he did when he had a few drinks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 31, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 1:21 am UTC

Julie Stoffer, a Brigham Young University student, was suspended for the fall semester for breaking the school's honor code after appearing on MTV's “Real World”.

University officials rejected her request that her time on the “Real World” count as “missionary activity”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:57 am UTC

Mick Jagger's ex-wife Jerry Hall will strip on stage in front of their children when she makes her debut in the London stage version of “The Graduate” next month, a British newspaper said on Thursday. 

She figured that it couldn't be any more traumatic for those kids than seeing their 60 year-old father dancing around in spandex on stage.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:11 am UTC

“The Sexiest Bachelor in America,” a two-hour special, is scheduled to air Oct. 2 on Fox, the network announced Wednesday. It will feature 50 men – one from each state – and will be broadcast from the MGM Grand hotel and casino in Las Vegas. All of the judges will be women. 

The evening gown competition should be interesting.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:41 pm UTC

President Clinton conceded failure as the Middle East peace talks at Camp David collapsed Tuesday in a deadlock over the future of Jerusalem.

Clinton should have gotten Hillary involved in the negotiations; she's pretty good at arranging land deals.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 24, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:37 pm UTC

Barbara Walters announced Monday that she has canceled a scheduled appearance by O.J. Simpson this week on her syndicated talk show, “The View,” after several viewers, members of the show's production staff and all four of her co-hosts had told her they were uncomfortable having Simpson as a guest. 

They also told her they were uncomfortable having her as a host, but, unfortunately, she's under contract.

Simpson's appearance, scheduled for Wednesday, was to promote his participation in a two-hour Internet “chat” session on Thursday where members of the public can pay a fee to ask him questions. 

During the chat session, O.J. will be using the screen name “Stabbie.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:32 pm UTC

Taco Bell announced this week that it is retiring the smooth-talking chalupa-obsessed Chihuahua and launching a new, canine-free ad campaign.

In conjunction with this change, they're also planning to release their first line of canine-free menu items.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:29 pm UTC

After vowing before to never perform live again, Barbra Streisand has announced once more that she's retiring from live performances, after she gives four final concerts in September.

Audience members at the final show will be given guns to ensure that this really is THE last performance.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:48 pm UTC

Taliban religious police interrupted a soccer game in Afghanistan to arrest a dozen Pakistani players for wearing shorts. The Pakistanis were arrested because they violated the Islamic dress code and were released after their heads were shaved in punishment.

You don't want to know what they did to those guys sitting in the bleachers without shirts on.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:18 pm UTC

The owners of a pricey Beverly Hills jewelry store sued Michael Jackson on Monday, claiming that the pop singer walked out with a one-of-a-kind, $1.45 million diamond-encrusted watch without paying them. 

He tried to distract the store owners by slipping the watch on under his glove and moon-walking out of the store, but they still noticed the watch was gone.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:15 pm UTC

Pop sensation Britney Spears and boy band 'N Sync vocalist Justin Timberlake, who are both 18, denied a report by a British tabloid that they were engaged.

This is the first non-engagement for both singers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:12 pm UTC

A judge on Monday ruled that government attorneys in a wrongful death lawsuit can present jurors with surveillance audiotapes of Branch Davidians saying “pour the fuel” and “light the fire,” moments before in the sect's compound was consumed by flames in April 1993.

The plaintiffs lawyers are planning to introduce their own tape recordings of Janet Reno saying “Get the marshmallows!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 4:28 am UTC

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that the money Parliament gives Queen Elizabeth II will remain at the same level it has been since 1991: 7.9 million pounds ($11.9 million) annually.

If Parliament had raised the amount, the Queen would have had to cut Prince Charles for salary cap reasons.

The amount was not raised despite the fact that royal household cost-cutting had resulted in “very substantial savings” over the last ten years.

Most of the savings came from lower food bills after Sarah Ferguson left the royal family.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:24 am UTC

A Continental Airlines flight was forced to return to Anchorage when a passenger bit one of the crew. 

The problem was that all of the other passengers became rowdy because they didn't get that good of a snack.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 2, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:47 pm UTC
Stand Up Comedy

Performed Live at the “Comedy Studio” Harvard Square

Thank you very much.

This is my first time up on stage, in front of an audience, doing this sort of thing. So, it’s a very special night for me; I’m a little nervous, a little excited.

In fact, it reminds me of the night my daughter was born.

Mainly because I also spent that night drinking heavily in a club.

Actually, I am proud to say that I was present on the night my daughter was …. conceived.

I was also there when she was born; that was a real bonus.

My wife and I used a method of natural childbirth called Husband Coached Childbirth.

I was pretty excited about this because it meant that I, as the husband, would be “the coach.”

My wife was, to say the least, a little less excited about it than I was.

In the end, though, we worked out a compromise.

I was named the “interim” coach, until somebody better came along.

All the same, I was still pretty excited about my role in this great event, and I took it very seriously.

I tried to set the right tone right from the start.

Like, instead of referring to that period of time before labor and delivery as “pregnancy” I called it “training camp.”

I also went right out and bought a whistle.

I really made good use of that whistle and it became a pretty integral part of our lives.

Now that whistle is a pretty integral part of my digestive tract, since my wife inserted it in my colon.

Of course, like all good coaches, I also spent a lot of late nights watching film and video.

Pornography, mostly.

Because I read that’s what coaches watch to unwind.

I also worked out a pretty elaborate set of hand signals with my wife.

My wife even got into the act at this point and she came up with her own hand signals.

Although, they all seemed to involve her middle finger…

Coaching my wife through training camp and delivery, though, was really great because I felt much more in tune with what she was going through, physically.

For example, every time she threw up, I knew that I needed to ease up on the number of laps I was making her run.

Looking back on it, I probably went a little overboard with the whole coaching thing.

Like, if I had it to do all over again, I would probably leave that “weight clause” out of her contract.

I think I even started to get on my wife’s nerves a little, by the end.

She didn’t look too pleased when I tried to bench her during the delivery for not showing enough “hustle.”

I realized that the whole thing really started to get out of hand when I argued dilation and vital sign measurements and got ejected from the delivery room.

It probably didn’t help when I bumped the doctor and kicked dirt on her shoes.

I tell you having a baby really is great.

Every night at our house there’s music blaring and we’re dancing and singing, and there’s some screaming and throwing up.

It’s a lot like college.

My wife and I just took our first vacation with our daughter.

We stayed at one of those “family friendly” resorts.

Unfortunately, we didn’t realize until we got there that they meant “organized crime family friendly.”

But we had a good time anyway.

My daughter is now the youngest “made” member of the Gambino crime family.

We took our vacation at the beach. Our daughter is 8 months old, so with a child that young we had to be careful about taking her in the sun.

We made sure each day to cover her pretty liberally with that stuff " what do you call it? " coca-butter.

We wanted to make sure she tanned evenly, you know.

Unfortunately, she did get a little sunburned.

A little, hah, well, by the end of the end trip people were commenting on what a cute little “lobster” we had.

Having a baby has made me think more about my relationship with my own parents.
My father liked to make me feel guilty about how easy I have it, compared to how it was for him.

He’d say things like “Be glad that you don’t have to fix roofs on houses in the middle of winter like I did for 40 years.”

And so I’d say “Dad, you were a minister, for crying out loud!”

We could never figure out why he was on those roofs.

My poor father, he just wasn’t cut out to be a man of the cloth. He was really more of a blue-collar kind of guy.

I mean he refused to work on Sundays unless he was paid time and a half.

I always thought the part he was best at was the actual preaching.

I just think his congregation would’ve liked his sermons better if he didn’t use so much profanity.

With his mouth he probably would’ve been an excellent childbirth coach.

Thanks very much. Good night!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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