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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
November 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:49 am UTC

The process of transporting more than 1 million South Florida ballots to Tallahassee — a trip of some 400 miles — has begun. A police-escorted rental truck carrying all 462,000 ballots cast in Palm Beach County left Thursday morning.

Did you see the video of that Ryder truck chugging along the highway? Talk about boring. The most exciting part of the coverage was when they followed the driver into “Stuckey's” for lunch.

Vice President Al Gore, accelerating the public relations campaign as the legal wheels on his Florida election challenge ground forward, gave five television interviews Wednesday from his vice presidential residence in Washington. 

I think this publicity push is getting a little out of hand; tomorrow C-Span will be broadcasting Gore's morning shower.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 30, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 6:43 am UTC

David Spade, star of the NBC sitcom “Just Shoot Me,” was attacked with a stun gun in his home on Wednesday by an employee who was apparently attempting to rob him, police said. 

What's the guy expect? His show is called “Just Shoot Me”, for crying out loud!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 29, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:41 pm UTC

The Bush transition team has secured office space in McLean, Virginia, in suburban Washington.

They've rented a couple of rooms at the local YMCA.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 28, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:21 pm UTC

The Supreme Court announced Tuesday that because of the intense public interest in the oral arguments in the Florida election case they are taking the unprecedented step of providing an audio tape of the proceedings within hours of the arguments before the high court. 

Great! Usually I have to go to Napster to download those Supreme Court bootlegs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:01 pm UTC

All Miami-Dade and Palm Beach ballots — about 1 million – will be moved to Tallahassee in advance of a Saturday hearing to consider Vice President Al Gore's challenge to the presidential results in those counties. Originally, Gore's team tried to get the roughly 14,000 disputed ballots sent earlier, but county officials said it would be easier to ship them all together. 

This way they'll get the bulk mailing rate.

The Miami-Dade ballots will be hauled in a police caravan consisting of four vehicles. 

The Bush team is pushing to have the ballots transported in Ford SUVs with Firestone tires.

Sheriff's deputies will escort the Palm Beach County ballots on the seven-hour trip to Tallahassee. 

Actually, the deputies figure that, factoring in a couple of stops at “Waffle House” restaurants along the way, it'll take closer to 9 hours.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:27 am UTC

David Bowie beat the Beatles and alternative rockers Radiohead in a survey that asked hundreds of top rock and pop stars to name their biggest musical influence.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards didn't quite understand the question and said his biggest musical influence was heroin.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 27, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:11 am UTC

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris certified the state's election results Sunday, declaring George W. Bush the winner of Florida's 25 electoral votes by 537 votes over Vice President Al Gore.

Just for some perspective on the magnitude of the vote difference, 537 is also the number of people it takes to apply Katherine Harris' makeup each day.

Al Gore has vowed to challenge the election results in court.

Gore has said that he'll take his case to the highest court in the land – “Judge Judy.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 26, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:08 pm UTC

Actor Robert Downey Jr., who has a recurring role on the popular Fox television show “Ally McBeal,” and who was released from prison three months ago, spent the night in jail on drug charges, police said. 

I think I'd take some serious drugs, too, if I had to do love scenes with Calista Flockhart.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 22, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:35 am UTC

Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney was hospitalized Wednesday with chest and shoulder pains, the campaign for Gov. George W. Bush said. 

You know the Republicans are getting desperate when they start pulling the old Fred Sanford "Elizabeth-I'm-Comin'-To-Join-You-Honey" fake heart attack bit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 21, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:20 am UTC

Daytime talk show host Rosie O'Donnell announced during a "Today" show appearance this morning that she would end "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" when her contract expires in spring 2002. 

Finally, there's a decision that neither Democrats nor Republicans will contest!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:19 pm UTC

As the Florida Supreme Court heard oral arguments on Monday, Texas Gov. George W. Bush went to his office at the Capitol in Austin for several hours of work, telling reporters he is “feeling great.”

It's amazing what a couple of executions will do for a man's spirits!

At least Bush has a real job to help him pass the time. What's Al Gore got to do these days? There are no funerals of foreign leaders to attend and, since the elections just ended, there are no illegal campaign contributions to raise.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 20, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:01 am UTC

Beaver College, aiming to shed a source of ridicule and boost enrollment, announced Monday that it was changing its name to Arcadia University.

There goes Bill Clinton's post-presidency dream job – being a professor at Beaver College.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 18, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 7:56 am UTC

Kesaraporn Duangsawan, who was awarded $138 as a first runner-up in a Thai beauty contest this month, gave back the prize money after organizers discovered the beauty queen was a man.

As silly as the beauty contest organizers must have felt, they still weren't as embarrassed as the guy who had already cast Duangsawan in the upcoming sequel to “Charlie's Angels.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 16, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 12:42 pm UTC

U.S. President Bill Clinton, a one-time anti-war protester, arrived Thursday on the first presidential visit to Vietnam since Richard Nixon's 1969 trip. 

In his continuing effort to strengthen ties with Vietnam, Clinton has reformulated the old U.S. policy of “winning the hearts and minds” of the Vietnamese people, giving it his own unique spin: “getting in the pants” of the Vietnamese women.

No official ceremonies were scheduled for the president's arrival. 

Clinton was pretty tired from all that traveling, so he just grabbed a couple of prostitutes and went right to bed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:33 pm UTC

GOP presidential candidate George W. Bush rejected Democrat Al Gore's proposal to continue hand recounts in Florida.

Bush said that he couldn't understand why the Democrats were so interested in counting the number of hands in Florida.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 15, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:06 am UTC

The Arkansas Highway Commission announced Tuesday that dozens of signs along the state border proclaiming it the “Home of President Bill Clinton” will be removed after Clinton, who recently bought a house in New York, leaves office in January.

They're being replaced with even bigger signs that say “NO LONGER the Home of Former President Bill Clinton, Thank God!”

Arkansas has 80 state border signs welcoming visitors to Clinton country, with another 18 marking the four towns where he once lived. 

There's also several thousand “Bill Clinton Slept Here” signs around the state.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:04 pm UTC

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris said Tuesday that results from all 67 of Florida's counties show GOP candidate George W. Bush ahead of Democrat Al Gore by 300 votes, 2,910,492 to 2,910,192.

I guess this means that if this lead holds up and Bush is elected, his brother Jeb, the Governor of Florida, is going to have to hand out 2,910,492 state jobs.

Harris also said that the three heavily Democratic Florida counties that are considering hand recounts, must submit a written statement by 2 p.m. on Wednesday explaining why a manual count is needed. 

Harris, a Republican and the co-chairwoman of Bush's Florida campaign, added ominously that, “grammar WILL count”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:10 pm UTC

Actress Melanie Griffith has entered a hospital program to treat an addiction to prescription drugs, her publicist said Tuesday. Griffith is currently married to actor Antonio Banderas and has been married four times total, including twice to actor Don Johnson.

She should enter a hospital program to treat an addiction to crummy actors.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 14, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 5:18 pm UTC

Michael Abram, the 34-year-old man accused of trying to murder former Beatle George Harrison and his wife last year, confessed to the attack on Tuesday but pleaded not guilty, his lawyers arguing he was mad at the time. 

This guy was obviously insane; otherwise, he would've gone after Ringo.

Harrison, a devoted spiritualist, tried to disorientate Abram when confronted during the pre-dawn attack, clamoring “Hare Krishna” repeatedly.

Harrison really had Abram pretty disoriented, until he tried to give him some Hare Krishna literature; that's when Abram stabbed him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 11, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:06 pm UTC

Longtime children's TV host Fred Rogers has announced that he will shoot the final episode of “Mister Rogers' Neighborhood” in 2001.

He say that he's pretty bored with his neighborhood so he's moving to a place with a little more action – Palm Beach County, Florida.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 9, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 9:49 pm UTC

Florida election officials say they may not have the results from a recount of presidential election ballots until next Tuesday.

All of this waiting has been pretty tough on the candidates. Governor Bush's advisors have tried to cheer him up and take his mind off it by holding a few extra executions.

Actually, this whole experience has been good in one way: it's been a real civics lesson for many Americans. For instance, Bush has learned that there are no fraternities in the Electoral College.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 5, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 10:57 pm UTC

Less than three months after giving birth to her second child, Madonna gyrated on stage for hundreds of fans lucky enough to score free tickets to a live performance by the pop star Sunday night. 

I'll bet those fans didn't feel so lucky when she started flashing her stretch marks at them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 8:39 pm UTC

Talk show diva Oprah Winfrey has signed a new contract with King World Productions to continue the highly-rated “The Oprah Winfrey Show” for the 2003 and 2004 television seasons.

Show producers have already decided that the 2003 season will feature “fat Oprah,” while the 2004 season will feature “thin Oprah.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 1, 2000.
  Web Posted at: 2:15 pm UTC

The Beatles will launch their first official Web site this month, 30 years after the group split up, a spokeswoman for the band said on Wednesday. 

In a sign of just how old those Beatles fans have become the first ad banners on the site will feature Viagra and Depends Undergarments.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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