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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
January 31, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:45 pm UTC

The thoroughness of Fox's background checks on couples involved in the racy hit reality series “Temptation Island” has been questioned, after the Los Angeles Times discovered that one of the four couples on the show have a child.

It looks like the only “background check” Fox did was to spin each potential couple around so show producers could check out their butts.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 31, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:42 pm UTC

ABC's “Good Morning America” plans to air a live birth on its program Feb. 6, by stationing cameras in the maternity ward at Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas.

Not to be outdone, the folks at the Fox network have developed their own reality show where they place cameras in a maternity ward and see if they can tempt expectant fathers away from their spouses during delivery with hot nurses. They're calling it “Temptation Ward”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 30, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:10 pm UTC

In a possible effort at détente, President Bush has asked members of the Kennedy family to the White House to watch “Thirteen Days,” the film about John F. Kennedy and the Cuban missile crisis.

It's not complete détente; he's charging them $8.50 per head.

Bush had originally wanted to invite Janet Reno, too, until his handlers explained that the movie wasn't about Elian Gonzalez.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 30, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:05 pm UTC

The Sniffer, a high-intensity flashlight which detects the presence of alcohol in the air around an individual or an object, is being tested as an aide in identifying drunk drivers by police departments in nine states.

The Massachusetts police are really putting this thing through its paces; they're trying it out near the Kennedy family compound in Hyannisport.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 30, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC

U.S. consumer confidence plummeted to its lowest level in four years in January, a private research group reported Tuesday, further boosting hopes that the Federal Reserve will cut interest rates again to help a sputtering economy turn around.

Geez. George W. Bush has only been in office for 10 days and look what's happened. At this rate, in four years Alan Greenspan will be standing on street corners with a sign that reads “will cut interest rates for food”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:01 pm UTC

Baltimore Raven linebacker Ray Lewis, the MVP of Super Bowl XXXV who was at one point charged with murder stemming from the stabbing deaths of two men, will not get his photo on a Wheaties box nor an invitation to visit Disneyland.

It hasn't been a total bust for Lewis on the endorsement front; the Ginzu Knife Company is very interested in him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:43 am UTC

The Baltimore Ravens beat the New York Giants 34-7 in Super Bowl XXXV on Sunday night at Raymond James Stadium behind a smothering defense led by Ray Lewis. 

You could tell it was a painful defeat for the Giants players. In fact, the offensive guys looked like they'd been stabbed in the heart.

Lewis, who was arrested last year on murder charges in the stabbing deaths of two men at a Super Bowl party in Atlanta, was voted the game's MVP.

Of course he was voted MVP; all of the writers were too afraid to vote against him.

In fact, he's already been voted MVP of NEXT year's Super Bowl.

The night wasn't a complete success for Lewis, though; he couldn't get anybody to come to his post Super Bowl party.

Lewis, the defensive player of the year, led a defense that intercepted four Kerry Collins passes and held New York to 152 yards of offense, fitting for a team that allowed the fewest points ever in a 16-game season. 

Clearly, the Giants were intimidated by the Ravens right from the start. You could see they were beaten as soon as they saw Ray Lewis cleaning out his cleats with a switch blade.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 24, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:14 am UTC

Actor Robert Downey Jr., facing drug charges that could send him back to prison, has signed a deal to appear in as many as 11 more episodes of “Ally McBeal,” The Hollywood Reporter reported Tuesday.

Downey shouldn't have problems fulfilling this commitment even if he goes to jail; Calista Flockhart is skinny enough to be passed back and forth through the cell bars.

Downey already has shot 10 episodes of the show this season, playing actress Calista Flockhart's new love interest. The role won him a Golden Globe for supporting actor on Sunday. 

Obviously, anybody who can kiss Calista Flockhart and pretend to like it is a pretty good actor.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:46 pm UTC

California power officials have asked people who plan to watch the Super Bowl on TV this Sunday to watch in groups, in order to avoid blackouts in the power-starved state.

Former Raiders defensive back Lester Hayes will be doing his bit; he's already planning a “six-some” for Super Bowl Sunday.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:56 am UTC

Newly inaugurated President Bush told reporters on Monday that his plan for reform of America's public schools has been translated into legislative language.

That was only after it had been first translated into English from Bush's own primitive language, which uses simple shapes and primary colors.

Bush's plan is expected to include such initiatives as giving states more flexibility over how to spend federal education dollars. 

Well, it's not really his plan, but Vice President Cheney did let him lick the envelope before he mailed it to Congress.

Bush wants to hold schools more accountable by testing students on their reading and math abilities more regularly. 

Bush has a pet name for this part of the program: Three Strikes and You're Executed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:49 pm UTC

The Rev. Jesse Jackson spoke to a cheering audience Monday, just days after he acknowledged an extramarital affair in which he fathered a now 20-month-old daughter and said he would take some time off to “reconnect with my family.”

Who can blame him? One weekend is about all most people can take to “reconnect” with their families.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 21, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC

George Walker Bush became the 43d president of the United States this past Saturday at 12:02 p.m.

At 12:03 p.m. on Saturday, hell officially froze over and pigs started flying.

Bush was swept by emotion during the traditional 21-gun salute.

He thought they were holding an execution by firing squad just for him.

Before leaving the White House to attend the inauguration, President Clinton was seen dancing in the foyer with his wife, Hillary. 

I guess Clinton started drinking pretty early that day, then.

After meeting over coffee at the White House yesterday morning, Bush and Clinton rode together in a black limousine to the Capitol, a traditional part of the passing of power. 

Clinton didn't appreciate it when Bush starting playing “Punch Buggy” in the backseat.

As one of his first official acts, Bush proclaimed Sunday as a National Day of Prayer and Thanksgiving.

Bush had originally wanted to proclaim it a National Day of Prayer and Christmas, so he could get some  presents.

Bush actually had a pretty tough first day. His advisors wouldn't let him order that the first born sons of all democrats be killed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:48 pm UTC

Former Beatle Paul McCartney now has a fortune of 725 million pounds, making him the world's first billionaire pop performer with $1.07 billion, The Sunday Times said.

It's a good thing the Beatles broke up years ago, otherwise the U.S. government would be doing it for them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:41 pm UTC

Undersea explorer Barry Clifford believes that he has discovered a wealth of pirate artifacts off the coast of a real life Treasure Island near Madagascar. 

Unfortunately, it turns out that Clifford was really off the coast of “Temptation Island,” and those weren't pirate artifacts, just a bunch of used condoms.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:15 pm UTC

John J. Marino, a Boston entrepreneur, is challenging Kimberly-Clark Corp. about its most recent creation, moistened toilet paper. Marino claims that HE invented the first flushable moist bath tissue, way back in 1996, which he called MoistMates.

MoistMates? I thought that's what they called the people on “Temptation Island.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:34 am UTC

The Fox television network promised to cease promotions of its sexy new “reality” show and runaway ratings hit “Temptation Island” during such family-oriented fare as “The Simpsons” and “Malcolm in the Middle.” 

They agreed to only advertise during more adult-oriented shows, like “Both Sides with Jesse Jackson.”

In fact, in the wake of this week's announcement that he fathered a child out of wedlock, Jackson's cable show “Both Sides with Jesse Jackson” will be renamed to “Both Sides OF Jesse Jackson.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:06 pm UTC

George W. Bush opened his inauguration revels on Thursday night, dancing with Latin pop star Ricky Martin on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

That was some pretty pathetic dancing by the president-elect. Maybe he should consider drinking again.

Martin performed a special version of his song “La Vida Loca” for the occasion: “El Presidente Loco”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:00 am UTC

Civil rights activist Jesse Jackson revealed Thursday that he had an extramarital affair that resulted in the birth of a daughter.

Well, I guess if figured that if he couldn't actually BE the president, he could always be LIKE the president.

Jackson said he would be taking an indefinite hiatus from his activist activities.

He's going to take a trip to “Temptation Island”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:44 am UTC

In a recent interview, Martha Stewart said that she has no curtains in her bedroom and that every day she snaps a picture of the view out her bedroom window, providing her with images of the same scene in different lights and seasons. “In a couple of years I might have a fabulous show,” she said.

Seeing as how Martha sleeps in the nude, her neighbors are getting a “not-so-fabulous show” each morning.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:16 am UTC

U.S. President Bill Clinton told Reuters news agency it would most likely be up to the incoming Bush administration to try to reach a peace agreement in the Middle East. 

In other words, it's hopeless.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:43 pm UTC

Calista Flockhart, the star of “Ally McBeal,” announced Thursday that she has adopted a baby boy.

She's already had to go out and buy all this stuff she's never bought before – like food.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:10 pm UTC

Pamela Anderson debuted the “PortaPam” computer program Wednesday, which enables a cartoon version of herself to be downloaded onto tiny digital organizers. So now fans can have the former “Baywatch” beauty in the palm of their hand. 

That's not the only thing they'll have in the palm of their hand.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:15 am UTC

Civil rights activist Jesse Jackson was arrested Wednesday night in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, after taking part in a protest against the scheduled execution of a convicted murderer. 

Luckily, since Jackson is an experienced hostage negotiator, he should have himself freed by the weekend.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:56 am UTC

Pop singer Britney Spears will make her feature film debut in a movie tentatively known as “The Untitled Britney Spears Project,” which will have a relatively low budget – by Hollywood standards – of $10 million, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The budget's so low because they don't have to spend anything on her wardrobe ... since she won't hardly be wearing any clothes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:09 pm UTC

Latin pop star Ricky Martin will be a keynote performer at President-elect George W. Bush's inauguration show January 18. 

In preparation for this Bush has been practicing saying Ricky's name in his native language: Icky-Ray Artin-May.

The Lincoln Memorial-based inauguration show will feature military bands, skydivers, parades other yet-unnamed Hollywood celebrities and singers. 

The highlight of the show will be a  21 execution salute to the new president.

The show will also feature fireworks.

Or, as Bush calls them, “poppies!”

Originally, the inauguration show also included a couple of clowns, but Bush is scared of them.

The Creative Coalition, the lobby group for celebrities, will host its own inauguration party.

Why do celebrities need a lobbying group? To lobby for what? Better accommodations during those White House visits?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:57 am UTC

After years of urging prospective recruits to “Be all you can be,” the U.S. Army has decided that it will switch slogans, saying that the familiar phrase has gotten old and outdated.

They're going for the Play Station generation; the new slogan will be “Kill all you can kill”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:50 pm UTC

Michael Jackson will host a celebrity panel about balancing “romantic love, familial love and professional dedication” at a benefit for his charity, Heal the Kids, on Valentine's Day.

That's not to be confused with Jackson's other charity, Feel the Kids.

Other participants include Johnnie Cochran and Chuck Woolery.

Let me get this straight: this event is going to feature an alleged child molester, a lawyer, and a game show host? Yeah, they should have no problem selling tickets for that. 

According to his publicist, Michael will take part in a Jackson Five reunion album with his brothers.

They've decided to rename the group for this new album to “The Jackson Four and that Weird White Woman”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:19 pm UTC

Actor Michael Douglas, 56, who is married to 31 year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, is buying a 180-year-old villa in Bermuda. 

I guess that's one way to look younger to your wife.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:01 pm UTC

President-elect George W. Bush's transition team confirmed Sunday that Linda Chavez, nominated to be labor secretary, allowed a Guatemalan woman who was in the United States illegally to live in her home and gave the woman spending money. 

Bush defended his choice of Chavez, saying that she should be commended for helping out an African immigrant.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:45 am UTC

55 year-old veteran rocker Rod Stewart said on that Sunday he wanted to cut back on the carousing after years of hard living. 

At his age cutting down on “carousing” and “hard living” means shortening his walks from twice around the mall to once.

But Stewart was convinced he hadn't lost his sex appeal. “I'm still very presentable, but I just can't keep up with Mick,” he said referring to Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger. 

That's why he sticks close to Keith Richards at parties; anybody looks pretty good next to him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC

Courtney Love is suing Lesley Barber, her boyfriend's ex-wife, claiming the woman ran over her foot in a Volvo – costing her a movie role. 

The rest of Hollywood is considering a class action suit against Barber for ONLY running over Love's foot.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:23 am UTC

According to Thursday's edition of Women's Wear Daily, the dress Laura Bush is planning to wear to the inaugural balls on Jan. 20 is a red designer scoopneck gown that will take three women 100 hours to complete.

That's a funny coincidence because it's going to take three advisors about 100 hours to teach George W. Bush how to tie his tie.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:29 pm UTC

George magazine, the political monthly founded by the late John F. Kennedy Jr, will cease publication in March, its owner said Thursday. 

President-elect George W. Bush was pretty alarmed to hear this news, until an aide explained that it was “George” not “Curious George” that was ending.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:41 am UTC

Paul McCartney is compiling his lyrics and poetry for an upcoming book, according to publishers. 

I've seen an advance copy of the book and I'm sorry to say that it sounds like Paul has lost a little off his fastball. For example, here's an actual title of one of his poems:

“That Ringo, He Really Couldn't Sing-O”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:49 pm UTC

Tom Alciere, a newly elected Republican state lawmaker in New Hampshire, has enraged his constituents, party leaders and police by saying he favors killing police officers when they cross the line.

Is it really so surprising that this guy was elected in a state who's motto is “Live Free or Die”?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:37 pm UTC

With her husband, President Clinton, looking on from the visitor's gallery, Hillary Rodham Clinton was sworn in as a Senator from New York by Vice President Al Gore today.

After all of those investigations over the last eight years, Hillary was understandably a little confused at the swearing in ceremony. At first, she tried to refuse answering Gore's question by pleading the 5th Amendment.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 2, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:56 pm UTC

Yahoo! Inc. said it will stop carrying online auctions of Nazi artifacts and other hate-related materials. These items join a banned list that now includes cigarettes, live animals and used underwear. 

Cigarettes, live animals, and used underwear are banned from Yahoo! auctions? That must've made it difficult for Madonna to plan her wedding night.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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