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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
February 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:09 am UTC

President George W. Bush gave a speech to a joint session of Congress last night, outlining what financial directions he wants the nation to take, instead of the traditional State of the Union address.

Bush said he would never give any pro-union speeches.

On the 39th day of his presidency, Bush unveiled the outline of a budget approaching $2 trillion, which narrows assistance to the homeless. 

Bush had wanted to propose offering the homeless lifetime employment – until one of his aides explained to him that slavery was no longer legal.

Bush said his education budget dedicates $5 billion over five years to help children learn to read.

Most of that money will be spent on private tutors to first help Bush learn to read.

Bush announced that his wife, Laura, a one-time schoolteacher and librarian, will travel the country to promote education. 

When he heard about this, former President Clinton said “Damn! Why didn't I ever think of that?!”

As his speech was stretched to 49 minutes thanks to 87 interruptions for cheers and applause, Bush appeared by turns amused, daunted, and self-satisfied. 

He also appeared confused, befuddled, and generally mystified, but that's pretty normal.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:20 am UTC

12 cases of “foot-and-mouth” disease have been confirmed in Britain since last week.

There was one reported case of the disease here in the U.S., but it turned out the George W. Bush really has “foot-IN-mouth” disease.

The European Union announced a ban on all British exports of animals, fresh meat and milk as a precautionary measure, since no cases have yet been discovered across the English Channel.

Gee, there's a real loss. No British food. I guess people in France will have to suffer and eat French food.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:04 pm UTC

“Friends” star Matthew Perry has entered a rehabilitation clinic for treatment of an undisclosed condition, the actor's spokeswoman said Monday. 

Actually, the other cast members held a tribal council and voted him out.

Perry's publicist said, “Matthew has every intention of completing his treatment so that he can continue his dream of entertaining people and making them laugh.”

I'm still dreaming of the first time that he'll entertain me and make me laugh.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:10 pm UTC

A security guard at Club New York testified Monday that, after shots were fired in the crowded club 14 months ago, she “fell on top of” Sean “Puffy” Combs and that she never saw him with a gun.

She did say that, even though she didn't SEE him with a gun, he either had one in his pants or he was “real happy to see her”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:42 am UTC

The Miami Herald reported Monday that a review of uncounted ballots in Miami-Dade County showed Al Gore would have gained no more than 49 votes in that county, meaning that he would not have had enough votes to overtake George W. Bush in Florida.

George W. Bush wasn't too happy to hear this; that means he offered to give Sandra Day O'Connor a year of daily lufa rubs for nothing.

The Herald used broad liberal standards in identifying presidential votes.

Former president Clinton wanted to help out with the count, because he thought they were using “liberal broads” to identify presidential votes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:40 am UTC

The piano John Lennon kept in his New York apartment just before his death is going on sale. The ebony Steinway is expected to fetch between $1.35 million to $1.65 million, auctioneers said Sunday. 

In order to make this easier to understand, that's about 6 – 8 Clinton pardons.

Lennon bought the piano in 1979, and it remained at his home in Manhattan's Dakota building until his widow Yoko Ono gave it away as part of an album promotion in 1984. 

Sadly, she continued singing and making albums, even after she gave the piano away.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:35 am UTC

Aging rockers Steely Dan and U2 both took home multiple awards at the 43rd annual Grammy Awards last night.

It's good those older musicians won all of those Grammy trophies. Those little gold megaphones should come in handy as hearing aids.

Madonna opened the show with a glitzy performance of “Music”.

I thought it was a little disgraceful for Madonna to be writhing around on stage like she was begging for a presidential pardon.

The new mother and wife was shut out of the three categories she was nominated in. 

She's petitioning the Recording Academy to add a new award category: Best Pop Performance by a Breastfeeding Mother. 

Grammy winner and R&B singer Toni Braxton wore a white dress cut all the way down past her naval and held together only by thin white strips on either side. 

What was she doing? Auditioning to be an XFL cheerleader?

Rapper Eminem claimed three Grammy awards and, after his duet with Elton John, responded to the crowd's accolades by flashing his middle fingers.

I'm just glad that Elton John didn't flash anything.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:44 am UTC

In a news conference Tuesday night, the National Transportation Safety Board said that a crew member on the U.S. nuclear sub which struck and sank a Japanese boat, said civilians on board the attack submarine were “distracting” as the sub prepared to surface on February 9.

Sure, I'll bet they were distracting. All of those people yelling “Look out! There's a ship!” can be pretty distracting.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:50 am UTC

Former President Carter said Tuesday that Bill Clinton brought disgrace to the White House with his last-minute pardon of fugitive Marc Rich. 

Do you think that we can say Bill Clinton has officially hit rock-bottom now that the guy who brought Billy Carter into the White House is accusing him of bringing “disgrace” to the White House?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:50 pm UTC

Napster officials offered a five-year, $1 billion deal Tuesday to the recording industry in an attempt to stop the legal battle that threatens its survival.

They could've saved themselves a lot of money and headaches by just making a few well-placed campaign contributions before President Clinton left office.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:37 am UTC

Robert Philip Hanssen, a 27-year veteran FBI agent has been arrested and charged with providing classified information to Russian intelligence agents, the FBI told CNN on Tuesday. 

I think the Russians are wasting their money hiring American spies. If they want to know something top secret like where our nuclear submarines are located, all they need to do is put a few Japanese fishing boats out there as bait and  – wham! – in a few minutes, they'll be surfacing left and right.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:03 am UTC

The New York Post said Tuesday that New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has offered Darryl Strawberry a job advising minor league players how to avoid the pitfalls of drugs and alcohol. 

Does that really seem like a good idea? Isn't it kind of like hiring Bill Clinton to counsel married men on how to avoid having extra-marital affairs?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:41 pm UTC

Former President Clinton received $100,000 for making a speech to high-tech executives on Monday.

Life has sure gotten a little tougher for Clinton since he left the White House. It used to be that to earn $100,000 all he had to do was sign one pardon or let somebody sleep in the Lincoln bedroom, now he has give a whole speech!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:12 pm UTC

Mitchell Olson, a lanky singer-songwriter, was the latest person voted off of "Survivor: The Australian Outback" last night by his Ogakor tribe-mates. 

Did you see how skinny and sickly this guy Mitchell looked? He makes Ally McBeal look like Anna Nicole Smith. 

Over in the Kucha tribe, Michael was positively gleeful after killing a pig. CBS even warned viewers before showing his thrusts with a bloody knife. 

I think CBS did a pretty good job of showing that scene in a tasteful manner – at least until the part where they brought in O.J. Simpson to break down and analyze the stabbing. 

That was the best performance by a knife wielding maniac on television since Ray Lewis' MVP performance in the Super Bowl. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:59 pm UTC

Wardell Fenderson, the driver for Sean "Puffy" Combs, testified during Combs' trial on gun possession charges on Thursday that the rap star stuffed a handgun into the waistband of his pants minutes before he entered a Manhattan hip-hop club on Dec. 27, 1999. 

If it's a crime for a guy to stuff something down his pants before going to a club, then we're all in trouble.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:16 am UTC

A new two-hour movie about “Wings,” the Seventies group set up by Paul McCartney and his wife Linda after the Beatles broke up, will be launched on American television in early May.

Is anybody really interested in seeing a movie about “Wings”? Even Paul McCartney has said he won't watch it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:59 pm UTC

A Texas court heard on Wednesday that former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith coaxed her late 90-year-old husband J. Howard Marshall II into saying whatever she wanted him to into a tape recorder by taking her top off and letting him fondle her breasts.

When he heard about this, former President Clinton immediately offered Smith a job helping him record his memoirs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:36 pm UTC

Superstar couple Sean “Puffy” Combs and Jennifer Lopez have broken up, a spokeswoman announced on Wednesday.

It's probably for the best. Can you imagine what would happen if they ever got married? Talk about a “shotgun wedding”...

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:38 pm UTC

CNN has reported that two civilians were at two of the three control stations in a U.S. Navy nuclear submarine when it hit and sank a fishing trawler carrying Japanese students last week. Navy officials said it is routine to allow civilians to experience the thrill of an “emergency blow” while holding the steering wheel, but only under the close and direct supervision of a qualified helmsman. 

Former President Bill Clinton backed this up, saying that he personally supervised MANY civilians practicing “emergency blows.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:22 pm UTC

The XFL promised Tuesday to speed up its games after Saturday's double-overtime contest caused a 45-minute delay starting “Saturday Night Live.”

Did anybody notice the delay? I mean, how are we supposed to know when an XFL games ends and a scripted comedy show begins?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:56 am UTC

The nominations for the 73rd Academy Awards were announced Tuesday morning and “Gladiator” lead the way with 12 nominations.

“Gladiator” could bring home more hardware than the Clintons did when they left the White House.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:41 am UTC

The XFL drew only half as many viewers this past weekend as it did for the debut broadcast on NBC the week before.

Wow. Those ratings went down faster than an XFL cheerleader!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:44 pm UTC

“Hannibal,” the sequel to “The Silence of the Lambs,” debuted this past weekend with a colossal $58 million in its first three days.

That's the biggest weekend take since the Clinton's cleaned out the White House on inauguration weekend.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:27 pm UTC

“Mad Dog” Maralyn Hershey, a retired cop from Wakefield, Va., was the latest person voted off of “Survivor: The Australian Outback”.

I think she was done in when she left her teeth in the communal drinking water overnight.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:30 am UTC

The Washington Post reported Wednesday that shortly after Vice President Al Gore conceded the 2000 presidential election, he and former President Bill Clinton had what sources described as a “blunt” exchange, in which each man blamed the other for the election loss.

In the end they made up; Clinton even offered to split an intern with Gore.

Before the White House showdown Gore and Clinton had barely spoken for a year, the Post said.

Clinton was pretty used to people in the White House not speaking to him, like Gore and Hillary and Monica Lewinsky – well, Monica, couldn't speak to him, since her mouth was always full.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:22 pm UTC

Lt. Gen. Earl Hailston, the U.S. Marines' top officer in Japan, has apologized for an e-mail in which he described government officials on the island of Okinawa as “nuts and a bunch of wimps.”

You know how upset the Japanese were about this? They held a tribal council and tried to vote Hailston off of the island.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:47 pm UTC

Former U.S. President Ronald Reagan turned 90 years old Tuesday with his wife Nancy vowing never to let him be cared for in a home that treats patients with Alzheimer's Disease. 

Let's see. He's 90 years old and he has Alzheimers. He's probably got a lot of money in the bank. Too bad he's already married; he'd be the perfect match for Anna Nicole Smith.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:35 pm UTC

After 11 years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman said Monday that they are separating.

Nicole wouldn't say specifically what the problem was, only that Tom's performance in the bedroom had turned into “Mission: Impossible”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 2, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:47 pm UTC

A student at Barnstable High School in Massachusetts found a small piece of a human thumb in her turkey-and-tomato sandwich on Wednesday that apparently belonged to a cafeteria worker who had severed the top of her thumb while slicing vegetables.

That's really strange. How did vegetables make it into a high school cafeteria?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 2, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:09 pm UTC

The federal government reported on Friday that the U.S. economy created new jobs at a stronger pace in January than was expected.

Job growth was especially strong in the prostitution sector, with lots of whores getting hired for reality TV shows like “Temptation Island”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 2, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:49 am UTC

While 12,000 onlookers partied in the freezing predawn cold, Punxsutawney Phil was pulled from his hutch in Gobbler's Knob, Pennsylvania, Friday and saw his shadow, which, as legend says, signals six more weeks of winter weather. 

Did you see who was there? Former president Bill Clinton. That's right. He wasn't going to miss a party at a place called Gobbler's Knob.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 1, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:35 am UTC

Al Amin Khalifa Fhimah, the Libyan acquitted of the 1988 bombing of Pan Am flight 103 in which 270 people died, has left the Netherlands and returned to Libya. 

That's too bad; I think this guy should've tried out for the NFL. I mean, consider how good Ray Lewis was this past year, and he was only accused of killing two people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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