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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
March 30, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:42 pm UTC

Baseball slugger Jose Canseco, released by the Anaheim Angels on Wednesday, said he was stunned that he was let go and that he had “no idea that I would be judged on performance.” 

Hey Jose, what'd you think you were being judged on? Your ability to split the atom?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:45 pm UTC

Rap mogul Sean Combs says that he's getting rid of his “Puffy” nickname.

Obviously, now that he's no longer dating Jennifer Lopez, he's just not as “Puffy” anymore.

Combs said he will just take one of his other nicknames, P. Diddy and that he hopes to a hold a name change ceremony with Bill Clinton in attendance.

Combs and Clinton should make a good pair – P. Diddy and Bill Diddly.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:33 am UTC

Russell Crowe has Princeton University students up in arms after he gave the finger to a student who snapped his picture on campus as he prepared to shoot a movie scene on Tuesday. 

He's probably not too worried. I think we can all safely assume that there aren't too many future Academy Award voters currently attending Princeton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:56 pm UTC

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is among several professional athletes who have been subpoenaed to testify in Federal court about sexual encounters with dancers at an Atlanta strip club, which was allegedly part of an organized crime enterprise that involved credit card fraud and prostitution.

Oh, come on. Dennis Rodman?! Involved with organized crime and prostitutes?! This has to be some sort of mistake.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:33 am UTC

A limousine once owned by John Lennon attracted a telephone bid of $270,000 – $14,000 short of its reserve price – during a sale at London's Hard Rock Café on Tuesday.

I think those nudie pictures of Yoko that John taped to the back of the front seats might be affecting the price.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:04 pm UTC

“Son of God,” a new documentary television series co-produced by the BBC, argues that Jesus was dark-skinned and even shows a computer generated image of him, created by a forensic artist. The result is a dark-skinned, curly-haired man with a round, robust face and a stout nose.

I hear that Jesse Jackson's already using this to pick up chicks: “Ever been with a guy who looks like the Son of God?”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:13 pm UTC

Michael Dudok de Wit, who received the Oscar for best animated short, will receive a high-definition TV set valued at $2,500 as a reward for giving the shortest acceptance speech at Sunday's Academy Awards.

In general, this reward didn't encourage winners to keep their speeches short. So, next year the producers plan to DROP a TV set on anybody whose speech goes over 30 seconds.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:36 am UTC

John Lennon's Mercedes-Benz 600 Pullman is going to be sold off in an Internet auction on Tuesday. The white limousine was custom made for Lennon and included a record player.

He also had a special “Yoko Ono muffler” installed.

When John and  his wife Yoko moved to the U.S. in 1973, he sold the car to former band member George Harrison.

John even threw in his driver, Ringo, since he really needed the work.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:52 am UTC

Pop star Michael Jackson launched the Michael Jackson International Book Club in Newark, NJ on Sunday charity by giving away books. 

Michael gave out his favorite type of children's books – pop-ups.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:50 am UTC

Clint Eastwood has lobbied California Gov. Gray Davis to support legislation promoting solar energy as the answer to California's power crisis. 

Just to show you how crazy California is, the new legislation would require that all tanning booths be solar powered.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:50 pm UTC

The original manuscript of Jack Kerouac's Beat generation classic, “On The Road,” which is on a tattered teletype scroll measuring 119 feet long, is to be auctioned at Christie's on May 22. 

Those Beat generation guys really knew how to party. In fact, the manuscript was originally about 150 feet long, but the last 30 feet got smoked at the release party.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 am UTC

“Gladiator,” the digitally enhanced Roman epic blockbuster, won the best picture Oscar at the 73rd Academy Awards last night.

How fitting is it that an artificially enhanced movie is awarded the best picture Oscar by a group of artificially enhanced people?

How about that that outfit Jennifer Lopez wore last night? She looked great, huh?

Actually, she looked a little chilly to me.

Russell Crowe won a best actor statuette for his role in “Gladiator”.

Did anybody else notice that he looked really unhappy all night, like maybe he was still ticked off about having to wear a skirt throughout that whole movie?

And what was with that hair? What's his next movie, “The Patrick Swayze Story?”

Julia Roberts won her first Academy Award for playing the trashy-but-determined mom and legal aid in “Erin Brockovich.”

Based on all the cleavage I saw on last night's telecast, it looked like they were holding a casting for “Erin Brockovich 2″.

Roberts took four minutes to give her acceptance speech, during which she thanked “everyone I've ever met in my life.”

She should've thanked the makers of the “Wonder Bra”.

“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” took home four Oscars, including best foreign language film. 

Bob Dylan almost won an Oscar for best foreign language song, until they realized he was speaking English.

Dylan took the best song Oscar for his “Wonder Boys” tune “Things Have Changed.” Dylan had earlier performed the song for the crowd via satellite hook-up from Sydney, Australia. 

Bob really isn't looking too good these days. When they showed him performing his song, at first I thought they were showing a retrospective on Vincent Price.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:43 am UTC

Researchers say that the dramatic drop in the number of seals killed in commercial hunts in recent years is partially caused by Viagra. Apparently, Chinese men are now using the drug instead of the time-honored potion of powdered male seal genitalia.

Yep, they're saying that the market for powdered male seal genitalia has really shriveled up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:21 am UTC

A woman in her 20s working as a costumed character at Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom was diagnosed with active tuberculosis. A Health Department spokesman reassured visitors that, in order to contract the disease,  “it takes prolonged, very close contact.”

In an unrelated matter, former President Bill Clinton has canceled a planned trip to Disney World.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 21, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:16 pm UTC

A 3.5 million-year-old skull has been found in Kenya, and scientists say it might evict the Ethiopian fossil nicknamed “Lucy” from the line of direct human ancestry. 

The scientists haven't ruled out the possibility that “Lucy” is still the direct ancestor of Minnesota Governor and XFL commentator Jesse Ventura.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:33 pm UTC

Saturday's telecast of XFL football on NBC scored a 1.6 rating, believed to be the lowest-ever prime-time night among the big three networks in Nielsen Media Research history. Researchers could only find one other single prime-time program to match it – an ABC News special on drug policy that also scored a 1.6. 

Are we sensing a pattern here? Prime time network shows featuring criminals and drug addicts don't generally get good ratings.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:57 pm UTC

MTV has deemed the video for Madonna's latest single "What It Feels Like For A Girl" too violent for prime time. 

Instead, MTV will be showing something more wholesome and family-friendly, like some Eminem or Sean "Puffy" Combs videos.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:25 pm UTC

Taco Bell is promising to give everyone in the U.S. a coupon for a free taco if the Russian Mir space station hits a floating target the fast food company will anchor 10 miles off the Australian coast when it comes crashing back to Earth on Friday.

Even if the Mir were to actually hit the target, Taco Bell isn't really worried; they've got a good lead on some pretty cheap beef and pork from Europe.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:53 am UTC

Actor Scott Baio, who played Chachi Arcola on the long-running sitcom “Happy Days,” and who will turn 40 on Sept. 22, recently told Us Weekly that, “I would give up the wisdom of 40 to be 22 again.”

I'd wager that he'd give up that “wisdom” to have a job in TV again, too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:36 pm UTC

Several recent studies have shown that the impotence drug Viagra may actually help men with heart disease, despite concerns that it could lead to heart attacks.

You know what that means. Any women hanging around Dick Cheney had better watch out!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:47 pm UTC

Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh has an agreement with the Vigo County, Indiana, Coroner not to conduct an autopsy on him after he's executed on May 16 in Terre Haute, Indiana.

Why would they need to do an autopsy after an execution? That makes about as 
much sense as giving Robert Downey a drug test – I think we all know what the outcome will be.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:22 pm UTC

The Senate opened debate Monday on a bill to ban unlimited contributions to political parties.

I watched some of the debate and, I have to say, I got the impression that most senators are probably against campaign finance reform, particularly the ones with the sponsor patches on their suits.

Senate leaders have set aside two weeks to debate the bill sponsored by John McCain and Russ Feingold, who want to ban the use of “soft money”.

If the bill does pass, all contributions would have to be made in coins only.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:50 am UTC

Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori met with U.S. President George W. Bush in Washington on Monday. It was Bush's first meeting with the Japanese leader since taking office in January.

Unfortunately, since the Clinton's cleaned out the White House, Bush could only offer a couple of empty crates as a chair.

The leaders also discussed last month's collision between a Japanese fishing vessel and a U.S. submarine. 

President Bush admitted he might have made a mistake when he tried to break the ice by suggesting that the Japanese Prime Minister join him on his boat for a little fishing.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 16, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:22 am UTC

Actor Robert Downey Jr. must face felony drug charges next month after he refused to accept a plea offer, his lawyer said Thursday. 

Who can blame him? If I was faced with either doing hard time in prison or doing love scenes with Calista Flockhart, I think I'd choose jail too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:45 am UTC

On Tuesday night, police in Beverly, Massachusetts arrested a man who allegedly threatened to shoot his girlfriend with a homemade potato gun.

The police later released the man when they discovered that his gun only shoots mashed potatoes.

The man also got into a fistfight with his girlfriend's teen-age daughter.

Ok, so, this guy threatened to blow his girlfriend's head off with a gun that shoots potatoes, and then got into a fistfight with here teenage daughter. Do you think Bill Clinton is hearing this story and saying to Hillary, “See honey, I'm not so bad.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:24 am UTC

Ringo Starr is resurrecting his “All Starr” band for a summer tour, his publicist said Tuesday. Among the “All Starrs” will be drummer Sheila E., Howard Jones and Greg Lake from Emerson, Lake & Palmer. 

If these are the “All Stars” who the heck didn't make the cut?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:58 am UTC

The prosecutor in Sean “Puffy” Combs' weapons and bribery trial said he didn't call Jennifer Lopez as a witness because he feared the rap mogul's ex-girlfriend would color her testimony in Combs' favor. 

He was afraid that she'd “rear end” his case.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:28 am UTC

Mike Tyson, who spent three years in prison on a rape conviction, says he loves women passionately, but “I don't think they like me.”

Umm, yeah, I think that's why you get convicted of rape in the first place, Mike.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:20 pm UTC
"Survivoring" the Nor’easter

The warnings started on Saturday, when the local weatherpeople (or is it weatherpersons?) began making dire predictions of the imminent end of civilization as we knew it. A late winter storm was quickly bearing down on the region; a true blizzard or, as they annoyingly insist on calling these things up here, a "Nor’easter". To hear the weatherpeople tell it, this storm had the potential to snuff out all life as we knew it in one fell swoop.

Like most Americans in this situation, over the next couple of days, I went through several psychological stages. First came anger ("F’n groundhog!"), then, as the predictions continued, I moved to denial ("Those weather morons are never right."), and, finally, when the warnings could no longer be ignored, I reached the final stage, acceptance ("Better get to the grocery store, pronto.").

Having lived my whole life in the northeastern United States, I’ve been through this scenario several times before. On this go-round, though, I soon discovered that I was much better prepared to handle impending annihilation than I had been for previous renditions of meteorological Armageddon. The reason for my well-preparedness was quite simple: "Survivor: The Australian Outback"

For the past month and a half or so, my wife and I have been watching the second season of this new, yet already classic form of American televised entertainment. From the moment those sixteen hapless souls were dropped into the outback like a new brood of interns into the west wing of the Clinton White House, we were hooked. Already, after just a handful of episodes, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve loved and we’ve lost. But, little did I realize, until the "Near Easter Nor’easter" blew into my life, just how much this show has already given me.

The payoff began well before the first flakes hit the ground, when I made the traditional pre-storm dash to the supermarket for essentials. While other, less enlightened shoppers duked it out over the last remaining bags of "Doritos", I knew that all we would need to survive for weeks would be rice, flour, and, as I learned from Michael the knife-wielding psychotic software publisher, a large Rambo-like blade for slaughtering small mammals. Unfortunately, I was unable to secure a large knife at the local grocery. Instead, I had to settle for fashioning one from the serrated strip at the edge of an aluminum foil box.

Once the storm hit and the power went out, I quickly made a communal fire in the living room. I made sure to not to pass out face-first in the fire, having learned a valuable lesson from watching Michael the knife-wielding, but not-so-bright, psychotic software publisher take a nap in the hot coles and burn just about all the skin off of his hands.

When my wife made rice on the communal fire, I followed the example set by Jerri (the "aspiring actress") and made sure to criticize her cooking in a repeated, obnoxious fashion until she gave up and threw the pot at me. Naturally, I was then free to whip up a batch of Jerri’s world famous water and flour tortillas. My wife refused to eat with me after that.

The hours were soon whittled away by bitching and moaning about each other’s personal habits, as well by a variety of inane and, occasionally, degrading contests. For example, extra blankets were rationed based on the ability to find the most "kitty gold" in the cat litter box (needless to say, I was warm as a bug in a rug all night).

Before we knew it, the skies cleared, the lights came back on and the "Nasty Nor’easter" was no more. We put the fire out, took our first shower in hours, and celebrated by baking up a frozen pizza. But thanks to those wise souls in network television, we hadn’t just survived the wintry apocalypse, we’d "survivored" it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get those tiki torches back to my neighbor’s yard before he notices they’re gone.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:57 am UTC

A recent poll showed that New York City Democrats would overwhelmingly vote for former President Bill Clinton if he decided to run for mayor.

Reportedly, Clinton has already started campaigning for the job by “glad-handing” around Times Square.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:45 am UTC

A potential choking hazard has prompted the recall of 400,000 “Rattling, Paddling Riverboats”, given out as Burger King kids' meal toys.

This has caused a lot of trouble in the White House; nobody wants to be the one to take the toy away from George W. Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:51 am UTC

The XFL, whose ratings on NBC have plummeted dramatically since a highly watched first week, finally reversed the trend this past Saturday, getting an overnight rating of 2.8, up one-tenth of a point from last week's 2.7.

So,  what you could say is that, after shooting their wad the first week, the XFL has really started to get it up once again.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:43 am UTC

After reviewing discarded presidential election ballots from Palm Beach County, The Palm Beach Post has concluded that the county's use of the “butterfly ballot” cost Al Gore the presidency.

Florida election officials have already announced some changes that will be implemented in order to make it easier for elderly Floridians to vote properly. For example, they'll be replacing the “butterfly ballot” with the “bingo card ballot”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 am UTC

An exotic dancer is suing Sylvester Stallone, claiming the “Rocky” star sexually assaulted her at a gym last year. 

Coincidentally, that's also going to be the plot for “Rocky VI”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 am UTC

Pop star Michael Jackson played best man as self-described “paranormalist” Uri Geller and his wife renewed their wedding vows.

Michael Jackson was the perfect best man for a “paranormalist” since he himself is an “abnormalist”.

The ceremony was delayed for two hours because Jackson was late.

It wasn't a problem; Geller knew that would happen.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:30 pm UTC

The FBI has been protecting “Gladiator” star Russell Crowe against an alleged kidnap plot. In January, agents donned tuxedos to escort Crowe to the Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills.

That's a pretty elaborate story to make up just to explain why you attended the Golden Globes with a couple of guys.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:16 pm UTC

A federal judge Tuesday laid down the law to Napster, saying that once the recording industry comes up with a list of copyright songs it wants removed from the music-swapping service, Napster will have 72 hours to comply. 

The judge also ordered them to remove any Kathee Lee Gifford songs immediately, whether they're copyrighted or not, just for society's sake.

Meanwhile, the producers of the Grammy Awards filed a copyright infringement suit seeking to prohibit Napster users from downloading and sharing recordings of live performances aired at last month's 43rd annual awards show. 

It's hard to blame them; I wouldn't want to advertise the fact that Elton John performed on my show, either.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:49 pm UTC

A malicious new Internet bug has infected numerous U.S. corporations, promising luckless e-mailers a video of a “naked wife,” computer security firms said Tuesday. The “Naked Wife” comes on the heels of other dubious worms like the “Anna Kournikova” virus that promise enticing pictures.

On the bright side, the White House hasn't had any trouble with these type of viruses ever since Bill Clinton left office.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:58 am UTC

Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized and received “urgent” treatment Monday after experiencing at least four bouts of mild chest discomfort in the span of the last three days, his cardiologist said. 

It's a good thing he was treated now, before President Bush's proposed budget kicks in; otherwise, Medicare might not have covered it.

Had he not received treatment, Cheney's doctor said he would have “experienced continued chest pains.”

Cheney's doctor also suggested that he cut down on stress. So, he's considering dropping Geogre W. from the ticket in 2004.

After the procedure, President Bush talked to Cheney for approximately five minutes. 

That's how long it took for Cheney to explain to Bush that he had an “ouchie” in his chest.

A White House source said Cheney told the president he was “feeling fine and looking forward to returning to work.” 

Bush said that he too was really looking forward to having Cheney back, because those pins in the White House bowling alley weren't resetting themselves. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:16 am UTC

The box office went south of the border as “The Mexican” knocked “Hannibal” from the No. 1 spot after three weeks. 

It sounds like “The Mexican” took a real bite out of “Hannibal”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Kim Mathers, wife of the controversial rapper Eminem, whose lyrics have been criticized as violent and misogynist, filed a divorce suit last Thursday after the couple failed to work out their differences.

She said that she could overlook the violence and misogyny stuff, but when he claimed he didn't know that Elton John was gay – well, that was too much to take.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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