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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:37 am UTC

Alcario Castellano, a 66-year-old retired grocery clerk from San Jose has come forward to claim a $141 million lottery prize in the California lottery, the largest single-state jackpot in U.S. history. 

He vowed that the money won't change him. He'll continue to pack his eggs at the bottom of the bag just like he always has.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:43 pm UTC

Oscar-winning actress Julia Roberts and her boyfriend, actor Benjamin Bratt, have split up after dating for nearly four years, a spokeswoman for Bratt confirmed on Thursday.

Too bad they never got married; I guess he didn't get to sleep with her.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:22 pm UTC

The BBC is currently casting for its new television program, “The Trench,” where participants will have to brave sleep deprivation, food rations, rats and waist-deep mud as an earlier generation of Britons did on the Western Front in 1916. 

OK, this whole reality television thing is really starting to get out of control. What's next? “Return to Hiroshima”?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:37 am UTC

Jack Lemmon, the two-time Oscar winner whose acting talents ranged from adroit comedies “The Apartment” and “Some Like It Hot” to the dramatic intensity of “Days of Wine and Roses” and “Tuesdays with Morrie,” died Wednesday night  in California at age 76. 

Clearly, he really squeezed the most out of his talent.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:46 am UTC

70's pop group The Bee Gees are resurfacing with a new album this summer. 

Hmm. And here we all thought that George W. Bush becoming president was the true sign of the apocalypse.

On the new album, titled “This Is Where I Came In,” the trio recalls their pre-disco days and pays tribute to their idols, including Noel Coward and the Beatles. 

It's a good thing Noel Coward and John Lennon are already dead, otherwise they might kill themselves.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:20 am UTC

Model Niki Taylor left a hospital for a private rehabilitation center Tuesday, eight weeks after an Atlanta car crash left her with severe liver damage. 

Obviously, she's pretty happy about this; those IV drips were making her gain weight.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 am UTC

R&B singer Lil' Mo had to get more than 20 stitches after she was struck on the head with a bottle following a performance at a concert given by radio station KMEL in San Francisco last Friday.

Sounds like somebody wanted to hear a lil' less of Lil' Mo.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:36 pm UTC

George Trofimoff, a retired Army Reserve colonel, was convicted Tuesday of selling military secrets to the Soviet Union for 25 years. 

On the bright side, he's now a candidate to be the new head of the FBI.

Trofimoff, who married five times, concealed his activities for 25 years from U.S. authorities and his wives.

Wow. I say that any guy who could conceal ANYTHING from five wives for 25 years should be made head of both the FBI AND the CIA.

He controlled access to the documents and carefully copied them at night in his basement. 

If he was spending all of his evenings in the basement copying top secret documents, then I think I can see why he was married five times.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 25, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:32 pm UTC

Police in the German town of Aachen were required to calm an argument in the small hours of Saturday morning after a man who was seeking gratification in the red-light district unexpectedly ran into his wife, who was secretly working as a prostitute.

He was mad because she wouldn't give him the “family and friends” discount.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 25, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:57 am UTC

Irish singer Sinead O'Connor will be getting married next summer to Nick Sommerlad, a Dublin-based correspondent for Britain's Press Association.

They're planning a religious ceremony – they'll both tear up pictures of the Pope.

Just to show you how poorly her singing career is going these days, her own family vetoed her request to sing at the reception.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:07 pm UTC

Listed as a “a must-have for the ultimate diehard Dylan fan,” the boyhood home of Bob Dylan in Minneapolis was recently sold for $94,600 on eBay.

This house is also significant because it also happens to be the house Bob lived in when he last made any sense.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:09 am UTC

Carroll O'Connor, whose gruff charm as the cranky bigot Archie Bunker on “All in the Family” died of a heart attack on Thursday at age 76. 

President George W. Bush mourned the passing by saying that “She will be sorely missed.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:22 am UTC

In an interview on CNN's Larry King Live Thursday former President Clinton's half-brother Roger vehemently denied claims that he received money for promises of winning presidential pardons.

He clarified that is was DRUGS, not money, that he received in exchange for the pardons.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:43 pm UTC

A 62-year-old French woman who gave birth last month says her 52-year-old brother is the father of the child, the Associated Press reports. 

How the heck did that happen? Aren't they a little old to be playing doctor?

The woman said in a newspaper interview published on Wednesday that the baby lives with her, her brother and their 80-year-old mother. 

I'd hate to see the monthly diaper bills for that household.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:28 pm UTC

Julia Child told The Boston Globe on Wednesday that she is leaving the Cambridge house where she's lived for 40 years and is moving to a retirement community in California. 

Boy, I'd sure hate to be one of the cooks in that place.

Child wrote “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in her Cambridge house and tested its recipes in the kitchen. 

She's still planning on writing cookbooks, even while retired. In fact, she's already working on her next book, “Mastering the Art of Making Jello with Marshmellows.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:17 am UTC

Rock 'n' roll pioneer Jerry Lee Lewis has been hospitalized since last Friday with pneumonia but a hospital spokeswoman says he is doing just fine.

Apparently, he's been responding well to his daily dose of teenaged candystripers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:50 pm UTC

The Bush administration announced Tuesday that it is seeking to settle a protracted civil suit seeking billions of dollars in damages against the tobacco industry. 

Administration officials defended this decision by saying that an industry that has provided the American people with so many subjects for postal stamps deserves a break.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:30 am UTC

Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart announced on Monday that she will be publishing her autobiography, tentatively titled, “Martha: Really and Truly,” in 2003.

In the true Martha Stewart spirit, when you buy her book what you'll actually get is a bottle of ink, paper, and glue and a video of Martha showing you how to put it all together.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:29 pm UTC

Television talk show host Oprah Winfrey has agreed to buy a buy a 23,000 square-foot mansion near Santa Barbara for $50 million. 

Just to put the size of this house into perspective, if the Clinton's owned it, they'd need about five White House's worth of stuff to furnish it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:29 pm UTC

Actress Angelina Jolie's new film “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” was the No.1 movie over the weekend, taking in  $48.2 million, setting a new record for an opening weekend haul by a female-driven vehicle.

Well, unless you count that first weekend when Anna Nicole Smith drove her late husband, Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall, home to her place.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:19 am UTC

Actress Angelina Jolie tells Rolling Stone magazine in its July 5 issue that she and her husband, actor-director Billy Bob Thornton, wear glass vials containing each other's dried blood around their necks.

I don't think too many guys are gonna go for this trend. Most of them are already too concerned about leaving their DNA at the “scene of the crime” as it is...

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:19 pm UTC

Former Los Angeles Lakers star Magic Johnson said in an interview broadcast Wednesday night that he is considering running for office someday.

I guess he figures – like the rest of us – that if George W. Bush can do it, why not him?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:42 am UTC

The Oxford English Dictionary has announced that it will add Homer Simpson's trademark “doh!” to the next edition of the print dictionary.

Just wait until George W. Bush has been in office for a few years; then  they'll pretty much have to add “duh!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:21 am UTC

The Bush administration has announced that the U.S. Navy will end controversial bombing exercises on the Puerto Rican island of Vieques in May 2003.

President Bush says that the bombings should be a lot more effective if the islanders don't know they're coming.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:29 pm UTC

Actress Shannen Doherty was sentenced Tuesday to three years probation and ordered to pay a $1,500 fine for a drunken driving arrest in December. Prosecutors said she can avoid jail time by performing community service.

Luckily for all of us, time spent not acting will count as community service.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:17 am UTC

President George W. Bush is meeting NATO allies in Belgium in an effort to win support from members who are skeptical about his nuclear missile defense plan.

The other NATO members started becoming skeptical about it when he explained how the whole plan depends on the power of “the force.”

He commended the work of NATO in the past and said it should work on building “a whole Europe at peace and with liberty at its core.” 

In addition to a lot more Red Light districts!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC

Supermodel Christy Turlington says in the July issue of W magazine that she doesn't want her wedding to actor-director Ed Burns this fall to be a media spectacle. 

Here's an idea, if you don't want your wedding to be a media spectacle, you might want to forgo the pre-wedding promotional tour.

Turlington says she and Burns are both ready to settle down and start a family.

Yeah, I'll bet he's gung-ho to TRY having a family.

Turlington says if she has a daughter, she won't encourage her to follow in her footsteps down the runway, because the industry focuses on “superficial attributes.”

Instead, she'd prefer her child do something more intellectual, like become a spokesmodel.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:03 am UTC

Convicted Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh was executed by lethal injection at 7:14 a.m. at the Federal Penitentiary in Terre Haute, Indiana this morning. 

In attempt to help the country move forward, President George W. Bush said that it was now time to put this national tragedery behind us. 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:28 am UTC

The Los Angeles Lakers won Game 3 of the NBA finals last night. beating the Philadelphia 76ers 96-91 in Philadelphia to take a 2-1 lead in the series.

The 76ers looked about as comfortable on the court last night as a group of costumed Disney World employees back when they had to share their jock straps.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:02 pm UTC

Under a tentative contract between Disney and the Teamsters union, workers at Walt Disney World who play costumed characters will no longer have to share Disney-issued undergarments, but rather will be assigned their own. This agreement comes after some workers complained about getting pubic lice and scabies, and others claimed they received undergarments that were stained or smelly.

Geez, talk about taking the bloom off the Disney rose…

I guess at Disney World, getting into Cinderalla's pants isn't as exciting as it sounds.

Many of the characters have to wear jock straps, tights or bike shorts underneath their costumes because regular underwear bunches up and is noticeable.

Is this really a big deal? How many people really go to Disney World to look at Donald Duck's butt?

Workers who portray such figures as Goofy, Pluto, Minnie Mouse and Donald Duck are represented by the Teamsters.

Talk about a crummy job. First you have to wear your co-worker's underwear, then you can't even go on strike without everybody thinking your picket line is a parade.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:13 am UTC

Jon Bon Jovi will follow in the footsteps of Michael Jackson by addressing the famed Oxford Union debating society on June 15. 

I'm not sure what's worse: to be the country which produced Michael Jackson and Jon Bon Jovi or the country which invites them to lecture its future leaders.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:49 pm UTC

A jury in Los Angeles on Wednesday ordered Philip Morris Cos. Inc. to pay more than $3 billion – the largest individual award ever in a tobacco case – to Richard Boeken , a 56-year-old man with cancer who claimed the tobacco giant did not warn him of the health risks of smoking.

I thought his lawyers showed poor taste when they lit up victory cigars after the verdict.

$3 billion? Wow, that's a lot of money. It's a good thing for him Bill Clinton is no longer president or the Justice Department would be trying to break him up.

Thanks to this decision, all of you smokers out there now have a new answer when a non-smoker asks whether smoking is “worth it”: “Yes!”

Lawyers for Boeken, a securities and oil broker, claimed at the trial that he began smoking Marlboro cigarettes at age 13 and did not become aware of the health warnings until the mid-1990s.

If this guy really didn't know until the mid-1990's cigarettes were bad for him then the people who should be suing are the ones who gave this dope their money to invest.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:45 pm UTC

President Bush Wednesday said he has directed aides to resume “serious discussions” with North Korea on a host of issues, including its missile development and nuclear programs. 

Bush said he also told his aides to get that spy plane back, pronto.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:59 pm UTC

In an effort to reach out to other Republican moderates in the wake of the defection of Senator Jim Jeffords last week, President George W. Bush and his wife Laura had dinner with Sen. John McCain and his wife, Cindy, at the White House Tuesday night.

The whole Bush family is pitching in to keep McCain happy. Daughter Jenna even scored some fake IDs for the McCain kids.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:35 pm UTC

Tom Cruise has filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against a man who allegedly offered to sell videotapes of himself having sex with the actor. 

Did you hear the name of the video? “Missionary Position Impossible”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:46 pm UTC

NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that it has developed a family of satellites which will be directed by artificial intelligence software, allowing them to make decisions without guidance from humans.

This is really just another step towards NASA's ultimate goal: applying artificial intelligence technology to George W. Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:51 pm UTC

A spokeswoman for Sony Pictures admitted on Sunday that the studio had concocted glowing reviews from a fictitious reviewer for recent movies such as “Hollow Man” and “Vertical Limit.” 

Based on how those movies did, I'd say it sounds like Sony's got better writers working on those phony reviews than they do writing their movies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 2, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:01 am UTC

Bono, the lead singer of the Irish rock band U2, took a break from his band's current tour to stop at the White House and speak with a presidential adviser about AIDS in Africa and the debt of the world's poorest countries.

President Bush said that he was pleased that the world's most famous clown would take the time  to discuss these important issues.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 1, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:12 pm UTC

Hank Ketcham, the cartoonist who created “Dennis the Menace,” has died at age 81. The strip, which began in 1951, has also inspired books, a musical, a television series, and a movie.

And, since January, a presidential administration!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 1, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:43 am UTC

It was announced this week that pop star Britney Spears will serve as grand marshal for NASCAR's Pepsi 400 race on July 7.

I doubt that the pit crew chiefs will need to remind the drivers to keep a good grip on their stick shifts that day.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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