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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 31, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:17 am UTC

The Queen Mother Elizabeth, who will celebrate her 101st birthday on Saturday, is suffering from mild heat exhaustion and has been advised to rest, her office said Tuesday. 

The woman is 101 years old. How hot does it have to be for her to suffer from heat exhaustion? Room temperature?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 31, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:04 am UTC

The asking price for the former hilltop estate of late basketball star Wilt Chamberlain has fallen from $7.4 million when it went on the market a year ago to $4.3 million. The house, filled with mirrored ceilings and velvet, includes: a Roman tub in the bedroom and a bathroom papered floor to ceiling with photos of nude women. 

Too bad Gary Condit isn't in the market for a new house.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:21 am UTC

A New York couple is looking for a corporate sponsor to pay half a million dollars for the right to name the baby boy they're expecting, putting the rights up for auction on both eBay and Yahoo!

That kid better pray the highest bidder isn't “Tampax”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:35 am UTC

A spokeswoman for Mariah Carey said Tuesday that the singer has checked herself into a hospital for “extreme exhaustion,” although she could not say what Carey's symptoms were or where she was.

It sounds like the spokeswoman could use a bit of a break herself.

The 31-year-old singer has canceled all public appearances, including her performance at next week's MTV 20th anniversary party in New York. 

Please, nobody tell Elton John that there's an open slot at the MTV show!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:02 pm UTC

Fomer Beatle Paul McCartney, 59, announced that he is engaged to marry 33-year-old Heather Mills some time next year.

I guess he's going to get to test out real soon whether she'll still feed him when he's 64.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:00 am UTC

Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon has filed two lawsuits against a television psychic Miss Cleo for false advertising, fraud and other unlawful business practices. Nixon told CNN that “The fact that they didn't see it coming shows they aren't psychic.”

Maybe they really are psychic and just happen to know how the case will turn out…

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:27 pm UTC

In an effort to curtail the number of “air rage” incidents, U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein has asked airlines to limit the number of drinks they serve to passengers.

Luckily for the George W. Bush's twin daughters this wouldn't apply to Air Force One.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:38 am UTC

While taping a television appearance last week, Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O'Neal said that he plans on retiring at 32 so he can go into law enforcement.

He should be a great cop, just so long as he doesn't have to shoot anybody who's about free throw distance away.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 24, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:49 pm UTC

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris is putting together a campaign team for an expected run for Congress next year, a state GOP official said Tuesday. 

So far, her team consists of a bunch of lawyers and 5 Supreme Court justices

David Johnson, executive director of the Florida Republican Party, said Harris is about to open an exploratory account. 

That's a good idea because she's going to need exploratory surgery to find her face under all that makeup.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:17 pm UTC

Publicists for Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston denied a German magazine's report on Monday that the actors are expecting a baby; the writer of the article claimed Pitt's quote was mistranslated.

What Brad really said was that Jennifer Aniston WAS a baby.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:09 am UTC

Nine people were arrested late Saturday outside the house where MTV's “The Real World” is being taped in New York city, saying they fear the show will gentrify their neighborhood.

If you're worried that “The Real World” is going to “gentrify” your neighborhood, then you might want to consider moving to a better neighborhood.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:56 pm UTC

Pop star Michael Jackson's upcoming reunion performance with his five brothers was thrown into doubt on Friday after two siblings — Jermaine and Randy — complained publicly about “exorbitant ticket prices” being charged for the event. 

Wow. I can't believe that Michael would make his own brothers buy tickets to the show!

The regrouping of all six Jackson brothers on stage had been planned as part of a tribute to Michael Jackson in September, celebrating his 30 years as a solo artist. 

And his last 15 years as a white, female artist.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:36 am UTC

As the G8 summit of leading industrialized nations opened in Italy on Friday, police were forced to fire tear gas at anti-globalization demonstrators and use water cannons to drive them back.

This didn't bother President George W. Bush; it was pretty much like his old fraternity parties at Yale.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:36 am UTC

Gunther Gebel-Williams, the world-renowned circus animal trainer, died of cancer Thursday at his home in Venice, Florida, according to a spokeswoman for the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus.

Before he died, Gunther specified a rather unusual funeral ceremony: as they file by the casket, each of his friends and family will get to stick Gunther's head in a tiger's mouth.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:31 am UTC

A man in Connecticut has been charged with public indecency after being caught on a security tape urinating on another customer inside a home improvement store, police said. 

See what happens when you don't send Robert Downey Jr. to prison?

Apparently, after urinating on the customer once, the man then returned and urinated on him two more times, police said. 

He probably forgot to shake.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:18 am UTC

U.S. President George W. Bush is in London at the start of a six-day European tour. He is scheduled to meet Queen Elizabeth on Thursday before holding talks with UK Prime Minister Tony Blair. 

Bush said that he is really looking forward to meeting with Blair since his daughters are always playing UK albums.

Bush is then due to travel on to Italy to take part in the G8 summit in Genoa, where he said his message will be: “lower taxes, less regulation and free trade.”

Along with “PARTY TIME!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:25 pm UTC

Former President Bill Clinton was mistakenly introduced as Richard Nixon at a $125,000 fund-raiser for the New-York Historical Society Tuesday night, according to the New York Post.

Hey, it could've been worse; he could've been introduced as Gary Condit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:47 am UTC

American rocker Iggy Pop has astonished organizers of a forthcoming Scottish gig with a bizarre list of backstage demands, including seven dwarves, The New York Times and broccoli, the Daily Record reported Tuesday.

Hmm, Iggy Pop reads The New York Times, aye? That IS really odd.

However, the former Stooges frontman only wanted the broccoli so he could throw it in the bin — because he hates it.

Unfortunately for the dwarves, he hates them too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:06 am UTC

A drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinic in Australia has received three offers from television producers wanting to make a reality show about its residents.

Isn't that what “Ally McBeal” pretty much was last season with Robert Downey, Jr.?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:57 am UTC

Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has renewed his contract through 2009 in a deal valued as high as $250 million that Premiere Radio Networks says is the highest priced in the history of radio syndication. 

Most of that money goes to cover Rush's per diem lunch expense.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:08 pm UTC

Actor Robert Downey Jr. pleaded no contest to drug charges on Monday and was sentenced to three years on probation, including a year of continued drug rehabilitation, in a deal with prosecutors that spares him a potentially lengthy return to prison.

I don't understand why he doesn't want to go to jail. Isn't it supposed to be easier to get drugs in jail than on the street anyways? 

Downey, 36, was nominated for an Emmy Award last week for his role as a lawyer on the Fox television show “Ally McBeal.”

Another good reason to go to jail: he wouldn't have to kiss Calista Flockhart anymore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:50 pm UTC

Tennis stars Andre Agassi, 31, and Steffi Graf, 32, are expecting a baby due to be born in mid-December, Agassi's publicist said on Friday. 

If I were that kid I'd be pretty wary about getting one of their backhands across the face.

The magazine said Graf and Agassi were currently working out the details of a prenuptial agreement. 

She's holding out for a clause which would give her everything if he called her “Brooke” in the sack.

Agassi and Graf have reportedly bought a $23 million home in the San Francisco-area, according to published reports.

I wonder if they went for a fixed or variable rate mortgage?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:19 am UTC

The world's newest septuplets, five boys and two girls, were delivered by Caesarian on Thursday at Georgetown University Medical Center and are currently listed in good condition, according to a hospital press release. 

The new father, however, is in the intensive care unit after suffering a heart attack when told the happy news.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:47 am UTC

Actor Don Johnson has been sued by a woman who says the television star grabbed her and made lewd comments at a sushi bar. The woman said she decided to introduce herself because she was a fan. She claims Johnson responded with inappropriate physical behavior.

Come on, now. Does anybody really believe this woman's story? I mean, who would ever believe somebody was a fan of Don Johnson?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:28 pm UTC

The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences announced that this year the Emmy awards will add awards for “reality TV” shows. Reality programs will be divided into two categories: those that offer prizes and those that don't. 

I've got a nomination for a reality show that offered a big prize: Presidential Election 2000.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:40 pm UTC

The West Wing of the White House was partially evacuated for about an hour Thursday after a bomb scare.

Turned out that loud ticking noise was coming from Dick Cheney's chest.

The evacuation was prompted when a car parked on the driveway nearby raised suspicions.

It was the Public Library's Book Mobile, which was especially suspicious because nobody's ever seen George W. Bush near a library.

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney remained at work inside throughout the incident.

Actually, in a way the bomb scare actually helped Bush with his work, since “Sesame Street” was “sponsored by” the letter “B” today.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:47 am UTC

District of Columbia Assistant Police Chief Terrance Gainer told CNN Wednesday that investigators will begin to search abandoned buildings in northwest Washington Thursday in an effort to find the body of Chandra Levy.

They might want to check out Jesse Jackson's wife's bedroom; that's been abandoned for quite some time now.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:57 am UTC

Washington police searched U.S. Rep. Gary Condit's apartment overnight, as part of their continuing investigation into the disappearance of 24-year-old intern Chandra Levy.

I don't think things are looking too good for Rep. Condit; although the police didn't find any signs of  Levy, they did find Robert Blake hanging out in his living room.

Police officers entered Condit's apartment at about 11:30 p.m. EDT. 

They tried to get in earlier in the evening but they couldn't because Condit was getting lucky and didn't want to be disturbed so he put a sock on the front doorknob.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:41 am UTC

Actress Julia Roberts told talk show host David Letterman on Tuesday that her breakup with actor Benjamin Bratt was “kind and tenderhearted”.

Sure. Kind and tenderhearted, right up until Bratt got on his hands and knees and begged her not to dump him.

Roberts also responded to the rumors of George Clooney being the reason for the breakup saying that she wasn't going out with the actor who starred in the television series “ER.”

Roberts said that she could never really go out with a guy who got his start on “The Facts of Life”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:07 am UTC

A.J. McLean, 23, of the Backstreet Boys has entered rehabilitation for depression and alcohol abuse, forcing the group to postpone the rest of its U.S. and Canada tour dates. 

I'm not sure I understand. He's an alcoholic and he's depressed even though he's young, good-looking, rich, famous and adored by hordes of teenage girls. Aren't most guys alcoholic and depressed because they AREN'T young, good-looking, rich, famous or adored by hordes of teenage girls?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:55 pm UTC

Comedian Paula Poundstone, 41, has entered an alcohol rehabilitation program to combat a drinking problem that “had a bearing on” recent charges of lewd conduct with teenage girls, her attorney said Monday. 

So, she's an alcoholic and she likes to fool around with teenage girls. Gee, if she were only 20 years younger and a man, she could be one of the Backstreet Boys.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:03 am UTC

The first patient to receive a self-contained artificial heart, who has been described only as a  man in his mid- to late-50s with a history of heart attacks, remained in stable condition Sunday, six days after the transplant, a hospital spokeswoman said on Monday. 

While the spokeswoman refused to reveal the man's identity, she did say that his condition seemed to remain stabile so long as they blocked calls from George W. Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:05 am UTC

Former Beatle George Harrison is reportedly being treated for a brain tumor in Switzerland – just two months after receiving lung cancer therapy in the United States, the Associated Press reported on Monday.

This poor guy has had so many health problems lately he's starting to make Dick Cheney look like Arnold Schwarzanegger.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:04 pm UTC

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner paid $4.5 million for a 5,500-square-foot house near the Playboy Mansion, real estate sources told the Los Angeles Times. 

I guess old Hef needs a place to get away from all the drudgery of partying every day with Playboy Playmates, where he can just kick back, mow the lawn, take out the trash, and clean the gutters.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:33 pm UTC

Market Square Arena in Indianapolis, where Elvis Presley staged his last public performance in 1977, was demolished on Sunday in a series of explosions. 

Unfortunately, there weren't any Elvis impersonators inside at the time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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