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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
August 31, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:16 am UTC

Five staffers of Rep. Gary Condit defended their boss on CNN's “Larry King Live” Thursday night, saying he is being wrongly judged by people who don't know him or the hard work he does for his constituents.

In fact, the staffers portrayed Condit as somebody who would “go all the way” for his constituents, was constantly “feeling them out” before taking a “position” on an issue, was always “tied up” with work, and liked nothing better than “scoring” a victory for his supporters.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 31, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:07 am UTC

The United Nations' International Labor Organization has released a study which shows that workers in the United States are putting in more hours than anyone else in the industrialized world.

Insert your own George W. Bush “time-in-the-office” joke here…

However, the study also shows that American workers are not as efficient, on a per hour basis, as the French.

Sure, because Americans spend part of the day doing such things as bathing, brushing their teeth and shaving under their arms.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 30, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC

Actor Robert Iler, who stars in the hit television show “The Sopranos,” pleaded innocent Wednesday to charges of second-degree robbery, which can carry a prison sentence of up to 15 years.

“The Sopranos” is the kind of show that Robert Downey Jr. should get hired for; one where going to prison might actually be an asset.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 30, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC

98-year-old comedian Bob Hope was rushed to the hospital in serious condition with pneumonia over the weekend, but is expected to go home soon, his physician said Wednesday.

The man is 98 years old, for crying out loud. Isn't just being alive a serious condition at that age?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:53 pm UTC

Michael Jackson will preside over the opening of Nasdaq trading Thursday.

He was a little disappointed when he got there; he thought that his manager had said he was going to “NAMBLA”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:38 am UTC

A construction worker in Arizona who was injured in a freak accident when a nail penetrated 5 inches into his head last week, left the hospital Tuesday without any serious injury, after the nail missed his brain completely.

Do you realize how unlikely it is that a nail penetrating 5 inches into your head would completely miss your brain? About as likely that a nail penetrating 5 inches into George W. Bush's head would actually HIT his brain.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:54 am UTC

After more than 30 years, Fred Rogers will be retiring after the last original episodes of his show “Mister Rogers Neighborhood” air this week on PBS.

What does a guy like Fred Rogers do now that he's retired? I'm thinking the last thing he's gonna want to do is spend time with the grandkids.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:54 am UTC

A judge Monday set Sept. 11 as the date for a preliminary hearing into charges of child molestation against comedian Paula Poundstone.

September 11, huh? Paula should have no problem making that; school is back in session by then.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:32 pm UTC

Little League World Series officials are investigating whether Bronx ace pitcher Danny Almonte is actually 14 years old, two years older than Little League rules allow.

If he's actually a teenager, then he shouldn't be in Little League; he's ready for Paula Poundstone League.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:47 am UTC

A new hotel in Liverpool dedicated to The Beatles, with 120 rooms, each with a mural relating to the Fab Four, is scheduled to open in 2003.

Does this really sound appealing to people? Going on vacation to England and waking up under a large mural of Ringo's nose... ?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:38 pm UTC

Actor/director Sean Penn, in Scotland Thursday for the British premiere of his latest film “The Pledge,” said time was ripe for a cultural revolution to shake his home country off its couch — only most Americans don't have the stomach for a fight. 

Why should Americans want to revolt? We've got a lazy, beer swilling guy in the Oval Office. Finally, one of us is president! 

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 24, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:59 am UTC

Boy band 'N Sync won't perform at the “Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration, The Solo Years” tribute concerts because of a scheduling conflict. 

Michael will be pretty disappointed.; he's really been looking forward to playing with a band of boys.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:55 pm UTC

In an interview with Connie Chung for ABC News' “PrimeTime Live” last night, Rep. Gary Condit said that he had a “very close” relationship with missing former intern Chandra Levy, but he refused to say whether they had a sexual affair.

I think his credibility was undermined when he was shown stuffing Chandra's panties under the couch cushions as Connie started the interview.

Condit also said “It's going to take more than the news media … with innuendos, half-truths, unnamed sources to split up my family.” 

Yeah, I'm thinking it would take something more along the lines of a few stewardesses, interns and cheerleaders.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:41 am UTC

Former GOP presidential candidate Elizabeth Dole said Wednesday night that she will consider running for the seat of Sen. Jesse Helms, who has announced his retirement, in 2002.

If I were her, I'd be concerned whether her husband Bob can “get it up” for another campaign.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:58 pm UTC

Marissa Whitley, an 18-year-old from Missouri, was crowned Miss Teen USA on Wednesday night. 

That's the good news. The bad news is that, as part of her prize, she's won an internship with California Congressman Gary Condit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:23 am UTC

Former “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch pleaded innocent to a domestic assault charge after allegedly pushing a former partner who tried to force his way into Hatch's home. 

This guy should be able to do a prison term standing on his head; after all, he spent nearly 40 days on a tropical island with Susan Hawk.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:12 am UTC

Bryant Gumbel and his wife have finalized their divorce, ending a bitter four-year dispute.

Uh oh. Looks like Tom Cruise has some real competition for chicks now.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:43 am UTC

The FBI on Tuesday arrested eight people allegedly involved in a scheme to fix the outcome of several of McDonald's promotional games, including the recent “Pick Your Prize Monopoly” game.

Have you seen any McDonald's signs since this story broke? Instead of “Billions Served” they now say “Billions Defrauded”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 21, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:11 am UTC

Former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Joe Montana is suing the owners of a pornographic Web site that used his name without his consent.

You'd think these porn companies would know better and pick a celebrity more sympathetic to their cause – like Gary Condit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 pm UTC

Rep. Gary Condit will break his public silence on the Chandra Levy investigation in an interview Thursday night on ABC with correspondent Connie Chung, his office announced Monday. 

Connie Chung was his second choice; he really wanted to give the interview to the “Naked News”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:26 am UTC

Rapper Eminem said in a recent interview with Q magazine that everything he does is for his 5-year-old daughter, Hallie, and that he is busy saving money so she can go to college one day.

That's funny! Who knew Eminem was also a stand-up comedian?

Eminem, who has been in divorce proceedings with his wife Kim, told Q that “When I say I'll murder my baby's mother, maybe I wanted to do it but I didn't do it. Anybody who takes it literally is a bigger idiot and 10 times sicker than I am.”

O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake are threatening to sue for defamation of character.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:07 am UTC

Fox Television is planning to produce a two-hour TV movie of the recently canceled series “Baywatch Hawaii” for broadcast during February sweeps.

In addition, Fox is also planning a new reality-based version of “Baywatch” starring former president Bill Clinton called “Baywatch Harlem”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:17 am UTC

Singer Marilyn Manson has been charged for criminal sexual conduct after he allegedly approached a security guard from behind while masturbating during a July 30 concert near Detroit, spit on the guard, wrapped his legs around the man's head and neck and gyrated against him.

That's disgraceful! Who does he think he is, anyway? Bill Clinton?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:11 am UTC

One of Jimi Hendrix's boyhood homes is for sale on eBay. The top bid for the 900-square-foot, two-bedroom house reached $26,100 on Thursday.

The house would probably be worth a lot more if it weren't the place where Jimi practiced lighting his guitar on fire.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:09 am UTC

Irish pop star Sinead O'Connor has married her journalist boyfriend in a secret ceremony, it was reported on Friday. 

I hear that there were some really touching moments at the reception. Like when he took a bite of wedding cake from her hand and she bit the head off a candy figurine of the pope from his.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 16, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 pm UTC

The current issue of The Spectator claims that Queen Elizabeth II has agreed that her son, Prince Charles, may marry his longtime lover Camilla Parker Bowles, perhaps in 2003.

I guess the queen got sick and tired of not having anybody with a little testosterone around the house.

Actually, I think this marriage has a real good chance of succeeding, especially since they don't have any interns working in the royal palaces.

The William Hill betting shops did take the report seriously, shortening the odds of the couple tying the knot within the next two years from 5-1 to 3-1.

The odds that Camilla could tie Charles in a knot are only 2-1.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 16, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:55 pm UTC

Astronomers at the University of California, Berkeley have discovered a planetary system with two large, round planets centered around a star, the Washington Post reported in Thursday editions.

Unfortunately, it turns out that somebody had just taped a picture of Pamela Anderson to the end of the astronomers' telescope as a joke.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 16, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:53 am UTC

A woman in Florida was arrested for indecent exposure on Monday when she won tickets to a Madonna concert by stripping to pasties and a G-string and riding a horse past a small crowd in a park.

Geez, times have certainly changed since George W. Bush became president, huh? Just a few months ago, not only would she not have been arrested, but she would've been offered a job as a White House intern.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:27 am UTC

The organizers of this year's Miss America Pageant are hoping to spice up the contest by incorporating elements of reality TV shows like “Survivor.”

I think the Miss America pageant is pretty “Survivor”-like as it is: for one thing, the contestants already starve themselves.

The five finalists will be quizzed on American history and U.S. government.

Some of the contestants have already complained that it's asking too much of them to study up on two different countries.

Pageant competitions also will be renamed. The swimsuit competition will be known as the “Lifestyle and Fitness” competition.

It was a toss-up between that and “The Wonders of Plastic Surgery”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:41 pm UTC

Earl Anthony, one of the greatest professional bowlers of all time and the first player to break the $1 million barrier in winnings, died Tuesday at age 63.

Unfortunately, all of his winnings were spent on rental shoe fees.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:30 am UTC

CNN has also reportedly been in talks with both Rush Limbaugh and James Carville about hosting shows on the news network.

One network with Larry King, Rush Limbaugh and James Carville? They should rename it the Conceited News Network.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:30 am UTC

A spokesman for California Rep. Gary Condit rejected calls for Condit's resignation by two California newspapers, and said that that congressman plans a public statement soon.

He'll be making a public statement just as soon as he can find one of his neckties.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:16 am UTC

Teen comedy “American Pie 2″ took in a record-breaking $45.1 million at the North American box office, according to studio estimates issued Sunday.

The huge turnout was driven by heavy receipts in Chapaqua, New York.

Think about it: this has got to be the perfect movie for Bill Clinton; it's got sex, it's got food, hell, it's got people having sex with food!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:16 am UTC

Flamboyant Eighties icon Boy George has launched a hunt for a lookalike to play him in a new musical he has written about his life. More than 200 hopefuls, sporting Boy George makeup and outrageous clothes, turned up to a central London audition for “Taboo.”

If they're looking for an outrageous white male who wears clothes and makeup like a woman and has performing experience, they should give Michael Jackson a call.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:13 am UTC

Actor Jim Nabors, who starred as fictional Pfc. Gomer Pyle in CBS's "Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C," was pinned with the lance corporal insignia by a commandant of the Marine Corps on Thursday.

If this how the Marines are spending their time these days, then I think we need to seriously consider getting involved in a war somewhere.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:23 am UTC

The Orlando Sentinel reported Friday that the NASCAR investigation of Dale Earnhardt's fatal wreck in February has found that cars aren't safe enough in crashes.

Let me get this straight: it took them six months to come to the conclusion that riding in a car which hits a cement wall head-on at 200 m.p.h. isn't safe?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:13 am UTC

A spokeswoman for Mariah Carey said Wednesday that the pop singer has checked out of the hospital where she was recovering after suffering a nervous breakdown two weeks ago and is resting under a doctor's care at an undisclosed location with her mother.

Is it just me, or does sending her back to live with her mother sound like the wrong thing to do to a person trying to recover from a nervous breakdown.?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:19 pm UTC

As of 12:01 a.m. Pacific time on Wednesday actors Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were officially divorced. 

I'll bet they're both relieved that they can now sleep with other people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:21 am UTC

Romanian TV is airing its own version of a “Temptation Island,” featuring three unmarried couples who spend a week at a Black Sea hotel, testing their love for each other while surrounded by attractive singles. 

When I think about Romania and the Black Sea, the words “attractive singles” don't exactly jump to mind.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:25 am UTC

Former President Bill Clinton announced Monday that that he would write his memoirs for publisher Alfred A. Knopf, scheduled for release in 2003.

This'll be the first presidential memoir that will have to be stored behind the checkout counter at the book store, wrapped in brown paper.

Terms were not disclosed but a source close to the deal said Clinton's advance will top the previous record of $8.5 million for a nonfiction book. 

If he puts in enough references to being happily married to Hillary, it'll also be the largest advance ever for a fiction book.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:37 am UTC

Aaron Sorkin, creator of “The West Wing” TV series, says in Talk magazine's September issue that he used cocaine and smoked marijuana before his April drug arrest despite assertions by friends that it represented a one-time lapse. 

If his friends really believed it was a one-time relapse, then it sounds like they're the ones on drugs.

“It wasn't the first time, but it wasn't the fifth time, either,” Sorkin said.

Yeah. Probably more like the 105th time.

Sorkin also said that he did not depend on drugs to relieve the pressure of writing the Emmy-winning NBC drama.

Instead, he used the Rob Lowe method for relieving stress: videotaping himself having sex with teenaged girls.

Sorkin said he is adhering to his court-ordered diversion program that includes random tests for illegal substances. 

It also includes random checks of his phone records to see if he's been talking to Robert Downey Jr.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:37 am UTC

Singer Whitney Houston has signed a multi-album record deal with Arista that the label said was in excess of $100 million.

$100 million? Sounds like somebody at Arista has been hanging around with Aaron Sorkin.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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