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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
October 30, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:16 am UTC

Singer Kid Rock tells Spin magazine for its December issue that no one will ever understand the love he shares with girlfriend Pamela Anderson.

Well, technically, I think the love we all have trouble understanding is the love SHE has for him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:53 pm UTC

Singer Courtney Love finished her Hollywood Bowl performance in a bathroom on Saturday after local noise ordinances cut her concert short. 

Why am I having a hard time believing this is the first time Courtney Love has ever “performed” in a bathroom?

Actually, the bathroom performance went so well she's already planning a whole tour of public bathrooms across the country, with George Michael as the opening act.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 29, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:29 am UTC

Eugene “Pineapple” Jackson, who starred in the classic 1920s silent comedy “Our Gang,” died Friday at age 84, the Los Angeles Times reported Sunday.

Clearly, it was the stress of having to deal with all that fame and fortune that came with being “Pineapple” that cut his life so tragically short.

Jackson was just 6 when he was signed up by the legendary producer director, Hal Roach, who took one look at his Afro hairdo and dubbed him “Pineapple.”

Actually, Roach had a hard time choosing between “Pineapple” and “Afro-ie”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:40 am UTC

After defeating defeated Dane Brian Nielsen in a fight earlier this month, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson has bought a house in Denmark so he can continue his explorations into “the beautiful blonde Danish girls.”

I guess he's figuring that the Danish women will go down just as fast as the men.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 25, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:30 pm UTC

The Secret Service is investigating two vials containing salmonella that were sent to former President Clinton's office in Harlem earlier this month.

Obviously, whoever sent these wasn't really trying to harm President Clinton. If they were, they wouldn't have sent them to his office; they would've sent them somewhere he's more likely to be at, like Motel 6.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 24, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:23 pm UTC

A jury has once again found O.J. Simpson not guilty, this time of auto burglary and battery in a road-rage case in Florida.

In preparation for possibly being tried in a U.S. court, Osama bin Laden announced that he's changing his name to O.J. bin Laden.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 24, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:28 am UTC

Former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman celebrated his 65th birthday today.

He celebrated in true aging rock star fashion: he took a big entourage out to dinner for the early bird special at Red Lobster.

Getting old must be hard on these guys. The only people who ask them to drop their pants anymore are proctologists.

Wyman is eight years older than his former bandmate Keith Richards who, despite his ravaged looks, is only 57.

That's got to be depressing, being eight years older than someone who looks like the Queen Mother.

When he was in the Rolling Stones, Wyman was not known for excessive drug use.

He sure takes lots of drugs now: heart medication, high blood pressure pills, Viagra.

Wyman claimed in a biography to have slept with an estimated 1,000 women during his years on the road.

At least now he has a good excuse for forgetting the names of those women name: senility.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:51 am UTC

Rock legend Bob Dylan has reached a deal to write a multi-volume autobiography called “Chronicles,” a spokeswoman for his publisher, Simon & Schuster, said Monday.

I think we'd all be impressed enough if Bob could just pronounce some multi-syllable words first.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:37 am UTC

Tennis power couple Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf were married Monday in a private ceremony by a Las Vegas judge.

Everything went well until the bride almost put one of the guest's eyes out when she “lobbed” her garter into the crowd.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 22, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:59 pm UTC

NASA is looking for volunteers to participate in a study to understand the effects of long-duration space flight. The 10 subjects will have to stay in bed and do nothing for 30 days. 

I know 9 guys who are available and who are pretty good at doing absolutely nothing for a month: the Seattle Mariners.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:10 am UTC

Organizers of the 44th annual Grammy Awards promised on Thursday that the show next February will be a more “meaningful” event following the Sept. 11 attacks.

More meaningful? What's more meaningful to most men than Jennifer Lopez' cleavage?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:44 pm UTC

Former football star O.J. Simpson was depicted as an “enraged madman” in court by the man who accused him of scratching his face in a traffic dispute. 

Well, that's obviously untrue. We all know that if O.J. were truly enraged, this guy would be missing a liver or something.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:52 am UTC

Fox network has postponed the filming of “Baywatch Blast,” a “Baywatch” reunion movie, because they're having trouble getting cast members to leave the continental United States.

You know who's most disappointed about this: the security guys in Hawaii who've been looking forward to frisking the “Baywatch” babes at the airport on they're way home.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:15 am UTC

Rap star Snoop Dogg was charged with marijuana possession after police in Ohio stopped his tour buses for speeding and found several bags of marijuana on Wednesday. 

Is this really some sort of big bust for the Ohio police? Isn't it kind of like shooting fish in a barrel?

The police said the rapper “very cooperative” with the troopers. 

Not surprisingly, they also said he was “very mellow.”

Snoop is traveling on a concert tour titled “Puff, Puff, Pass 2001.” Its name refers to what's considered the proper etiquette for sharing marijuana. 

That's better than the name of his last tour, “Shoot 'Em and Beat the Rap.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:02 am UTC

Pop star Britney Spears has delayed the start of her U.S. tour after being laid up with the flu, her label said.

Well, it's good to know that something can lay her up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:40 am UTC

Neither Mick Jagger nor KISS will perform at a charity concert for victims of the Sept. 11 attacks in Washington DC next weekend. Both acts were among the stars announced last week for the Oct. 21 concert at RFK Stadium, including Michael Jackson, 'N Sync and Aerosmith.

That's probably a good thing; having Mick Jagger, KISS and Michael Jackson on the same stage might confuse people into thinking they're at a circus sideshow instead of a rock concert.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:09 am UTC

New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani received an honorary knighthood Monday from Queen Elizabeth II for his “outstanding help and support to the bereaved British families in New York.”

I'm afraid that Giuliani is letting all of these accolades go to his head. I heard today that when his term as mayor is over he's considering challenging Michael Jordan for a starting spot on the Washington Wizards.

The titles were announced during a City Hall visit by the queen's son, Prince Andrew. 

Giuliani and the Queen have something in common: they each have an embarrassing son named Andrew.

Others who have been named honorary Knight Commanders include former Presidents Bush and Reagan, Secretary of State Colin Powell and Bob Hope. 

Bob Hope? Good lord who knighted him? King Arthur?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:22 am UTC

Bob Dylan had trouble getting backstage at one of his own shows recently after all three security guards failed to recognize him.

That's understandable; even Bob has trouble remembering who he is too, sometimes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:13 pm UTC

I watched the debut of the new “Survivor” last night. You know how the show works: a bunch of people are stranded and left to fend for themselves in one of the most life-threatening places on earth with little food or water or supplies.

Actually, it turns out that I wasn't watching “Survivor” I was watching “CNN” by mistake.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:38 pm UTC

Male model Tyson Beckford says that not all male models are as vain and shallow as Ben Stiller's in the movie “Zoolander.”

He also said that he didn't think too many models would go to see it anyway, since they don't really enjoy intellectual documentaries.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:46 am UTC

Thrash metal rock band Anthrax admit their name is “not so cool” in light of the outbreak of the disease in Florida. 

Now they wish they'd gone with one of their other names they were considering: AIDS or The Colon Cancers.

The band said that when they chose the name 20 year ago “nobody knew what it was.”

What a coincidence. Today, nobody knows who THEY are.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:45 pm UTC

Rapper Eminem's divorce was finalized on Friday; he and his ex-wife will share custody of their 5 year-old daughter.

Whew. That's a relief. Otherwise, who would teach the child how to pistol whip to somebody?

He has been ordered to pay $1,000 a week in child support to his ex-wife, the Detroit Free Press reported Tuesday. 

Of course, he won't have to make those payments in the event she marries another abusive, multi-platinum recording star.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:52 am UTC

Prosecutors said Tuesday that they will seek a prison sentence if O.J. Simpson is convicted of charges stemming from an angry encounter with another motorist in his suburban Miami neighborhood last year.

If we really want to make life miserable for the Taliban, how about instead of dropping bombs we just drop O.J. Simpson on them?

Actually, sending O.J. to Afghanistan isn't such a bad idea. In fact, I think he's the one we should send to get Osama bin Laden. After all, he does have experience hunting down and killing somebody with his bare hands and getting away with it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:26 pm UTC

Dougie Millings, the tailor who helped create the Beatles' famous collarless suit, has died. 

I know one group that won't be sad to hear this news: priests and ministers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:30 am UTC

A new study shows that on in four Americans are having trouble concentrating at work since the September 11 terrorist attacks.

That's right: workers are having trouble surfing as many porn Web sites as usual.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:13 am UTC

Icelandic singer Bjork said in a recent interview with Time magazine that she believes in elves and fairies.

I'm not sure what's crazier, believing in elves and fairies or believing that people buy her music.

She says cities make her uncomfortable. “The first time I went to London, I'd walk for three or four hours and couldn't find a way out of the city.” she said.

Unfortunately, she did eventually find her way out.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:12 am UTC

Madonna handed over one of her treasured paintings to London's Tate Modern museum, saying it was “like letting go of one of my precious children.”

In other words, she just tossed it to an assistant and went on tour.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:39 am UTC

Oscar-winning actress Jodie Foster gave birth to her second child on Saturday, a boy she named Kit.

She named him after her method of conception.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:39 am UTC

Ben Affleck will star in Fox's feature version of Marvel Comics' superhero saga “Daredevil.” 

Based on his recent driving, it sounds like he's already practicing for the role.

Affleck will be wearing a red spandex costume for the part.

If he agreed to that, then it sounds like he needs another stint in alcohol rehab.

Reportedly, he will fetch a low eight-figure salary for his performance.

Scratch that last joke; he's obviously thinking clearly.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:08 am UTC

Since the stars will dress in business attire instead of formal wear at this year's Emmys in reaction to the recent terrorist attacks, E! Entertainment Network has canceled its red-carpet and fashion coverage by Joan and Melissa Rivers.

Finally, something good has come from the attacks!

Rivers told a colleague that she is worried the move could send the message to the industry that her show is merely about gushing over shoes and gowns.

Is she kidding? Her show makes “Entertainment Tonight” look like “Meet the Press”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 2, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:31 pm UTC

Sociologists say that, in the wake of the recent terrorist attacks, people are having more sex as a means of escaping and coping with fear and sadness. 

Just what Bill Clinton needs, an excuse to have more sex.

Experts are predicting that a “baby boomlet” will follow nine months after the attacks but one not nearly as big as the baby boom that followed the end of World War Two. 

Or as big as the one that follows Jesse Jackson wherever he goes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 1, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:32 pm UTC

Following in the footsteps of her father, Chelsea Clinton began graduate study at Oxford University on Monday.

Following in his footsteps is ok; she'd just better hope that she doesn't get his old bed.

University officials said the former president's daughter was accepted based on evidence of her academic achievements and her academic references.

Pffft! Hah … oh, he was serious.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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