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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
November 28, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:05 pm UTC

The parent company of Chiquita Banana has filed for bankruptcy.

I don't understand how you can lose money picking bananas. Monkeys could do that job. Hell, monkeys DO do that job.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:00 pm UTC

Six male strippers from the Broadway musical “The Full Monty” stripped for Queen Elizabeth II at the Royal Variety Performance in London. 

That's the most people to strip naked in front of a head of state since Bill Clinton was President.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

According to a survey by a leading condom manufacturer, Americans have sex more often and with more partners than any other nationality.

Well that explains why the women of Afghanistan are so happy to see the U.S. soldiers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 27, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:11 am UTC

Major League Baseball owners have decided to put their plans to contract the Minnesota Twins on hold, pending a review by the Minnesota Supreme Court of an injunction which would force the Twins to play next season. 

I don't think the Minnesota Twins fans have much to worry about; when it comes to court cases, the baseball owners win about as often as the Detroit Lions.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 26, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:03 am UTC

Disney and 20th Century Fox will be providing first-run films to U.S. troops on the front lines in the war on terrorism. 

Well, that's one way to increase the attendance figures for “Glitter” – a captive audience.

In addition, Disney will dispatch talent from television networks ABC and ESPN to visit troops in January.

ESPN will be sending some of their funniest on-air personalities, like the Detriot Lions.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 23, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:12 pm UTC

Tom Cruise said in recent interview with People magazine that he and his ex-wife Nicole Kidman met on a rainy Los Angeles evening to sign a divorce settlement ending their 10-year marriage, then parted ways with a final hug.

Sounds like their divorce went a lot better than the Clinton's marriage.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 21, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:06 am UTC

Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger's new solo album sold just 954 copies on its first day on sale, according to British newspapers Wednesday.

The only reason he only sold that many copies is because each of his kids bought one.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 21, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:06 am UTC

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch became a new father at age 70 on Monday evening when his 33 year-old wife gave birth to a baby girl.

Well that certainly is good news, huh? I'm glad to hear that, despite all the recent events in the world, there are still some people going about their normal lives – like older rich guys knocking up young women.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:49 am UTC

Twenty-one dummy MTV awards stolen from the network's London offices, which were used at the recent MTV Europe Music Awards, have turned up next to a garbage bin. 

Isn't “dummy MTV awards” an oxy-moron?

Police had trouble identifying the fake, stolen ones from the real ones the recipients had thrown in there.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:43 am UTC

Mick Jagger says that at the age of 58 he has given up on drink, drugs and partying. 

Actually, he hasn't given them up so much as he's just forgotten what they were.

Jagger also said that “The Stones would keep going even if they all died.”

Based on how Keith Richard looks, I'd say they're already doing that.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:37 am UTC

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone ” set the box-office debut record by grossing grossed $93.5 million in its first weekend.

Just to give you a sense of perspective, that's the even more than amount of money refunded to people who paid to see “Glitter.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 19, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:12 am UTC

Bill Cosby has finished co-writing the script for a movie based on “Fat Albert,” but he's not sure whether fans want to hear him do the voices of Fat Albert, Bill and Mushmouth again, just as he did for the TV series. 

Instead, he's thinking of using the next most obvious choices: Al Sharpton, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:44 am UTC

The Detroit-area home where Madonna lived before becoming a pop icon in the early 1980s has sold at auction for $331,000. 

It probably would have gone for more if the seller didn't insist on including Madonna's old bed sheets.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 16, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:19 am UTC

A New Jersey man who worked as a stunt double for Robert DeNiro has been arrested for impersonating the actor.

While we're busy arresting people for impersonating movie actors, how about booking Mariah Carey?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:52 pm UTC

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman have agreed on a divorce settlement and Kidman will share custody of their two adopted children, Isabella, 8, and Conor, 6. 

They're really going to be sharing the parental duties equally. Nicole will spoil and neglect the kids during the week and Tom will ridicule and hold them up to impossible standards on the weekends.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:17 am UTC

500 restroom professionals from around the world will be in Singapore next week for the World Toilet Summit.

What the heck is a “restroom professional”? I thought they were called “prostitutes”.

George Michael will be giving the keynote address.

They'll be discussing some of the big issues of the day in the restroom world like, is it “toilet paper” or “bathroom tissue”?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 15, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:10 am UTC

Howard Stern's racy weekly syndicated late night series “The Howard Stern Radio Show”  will end its three-year run on Saturday.

That's one show that I'm sure will go out with a bang.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:02 am UTC

98-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond has reportedly moved into to Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington so doctors could monitor him more closely.

He's sharing a nice two bedroom apartment with Dick Cheney.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:48 pm UTC

Comedian Paula Poundstone was briefly jailed Tuesday by a judge because of a relapse during her treatment at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center.

Since this was her fist relapse, she only spent a few hours in jail. If it happens again, she'll have to do a guest appearance on “Ally McBeal.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:47 am UTC

CBS announced on Monday that one or two production staff members at the CBS newsmagazine “60 Minutes” may lose their jobs as part of a cost cutting move.

It looks like one of the people who might get fired is Mike Wallace's makeup man. Or, as you and I would call him, an embalmer.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 13, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:14 am UTC

The Fox network is developing a one-hour series about the Centers for Disease Control. 

They should air it right after “Temptation Island 2″.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:34 am UTC

A special screening of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone” on Sunday was greeted by a small band of protesters from a accusing Coca-Cola Co of using its sponsorship of the movie to peddle junk food to children.

So, lemme get this straight. It's ok for kids to be SORCERERS but god forbid they should drink “Coke.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 9, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:20 am UTC

Michael Jackson said in a recent interview with TV Guide that was planning to build a school on the grounds of his Neverland estate so his own kids won't have to go “into society.”

It's hard blame Michael for wanting to protect his kids from the outside world. It can be a pretty strange place, where people wear gloves on BOTH hands and their skin color doesn't change over time.

I think it's pretty safe to assume that the only kinds of exams Michael Jackson's school will be giving are oral exams.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:28 pm UTC

Mark McGwire, a Wisconsin man known as “Big Mac,” claims to have eaten more than 18,000 McDonald's Big Mac sandwiches since 1972.

If this guy can eat 18,000 Big Macs and survive, I'd say that's one person who doesn't have to worry much about dying from Anthrax, small pox, or pretty much anything else.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 8, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:26 am UTC

The chief executive of British Airways has branded Hollywood's film celebrities as “gutless cowards” for being scared to fly since the Sept. 11 attacks on the United States.

I don't think Hollywood stars are afraid to fly because of the terrorist attacks. I think they don't like to fly because they don't want to sit through their own crummy movies during the in-flight entertainment.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:17 pm UTC

Billionaire businessman and Mayor-elect Michael Bloomberg visited New York City Hall on Wednesday, one day after his stunning come-from-behind victory in the city's mayoral race.

He was basically taking a walk-through of the property he'd just purchased and is about to close on.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:52 am UTC

Paul McCartney confessed that he cried every day for the first six months he went out with Heather Mills because he was still grieving for his wife Linda.

He said he really hasn't cried so hard and so long since he first heard Ringo sing.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 7, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:51 am UTC

Actress Angelina Jolie was in Cambodia on Wednesday visiting refugees as goodwill ambassador for the United Nations.

I don't get it. If we're trying to win the hearts and minds of the people in Afghanistan, why are we sending our hot babes to visit refugees in Cambodia instead?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 1:41 pm UTC

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is in negotiations to buy Sloppy Joe's restaurant in Irvine, California.

I think he might have a problem attracting customers after they hear what's he going to rename it to: Sloppy Seconds.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 6, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:36 am UTC

Major League Baseball owners, meeting this week in Chicago, are considering whether to eliminate two teams, possibly as soon as next season.

Eeeesh. You know the economy isn't doing too well when Major League Baseball starts laying off people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC

The Arizona Diamondbacks Diamondbacks won their first championship by beating the New York Yankees 3-2 in Game 7 of the World Series on Sunday night, behind the pitching of 6' 8″ leftie Randy Johnson, who won three games in the series and was named co-MVP.

This just goes to prove what most guys have assumed for a long time: the size of your Johnson does matter.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:29 pm UTC

J.K. Rowling, creator of fictional boy wizard Harry Potter, was beaten out by Madonna as Britain's highest-earning woman in the annual Pay List compiled by the Sunday Times newspaper.

Rowling has already vowed to win the title next year. In fact, she's planning on using some of Madonna's own tactics. She's going to title her next Harry Potter book “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Secret Lifestyle.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 2, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 10:43 am UTC

The Rolling Stones are in early talks to launch a tour next year, a trek that would coincide with their 40th anniversary, officials with the British rock band said Thursday. 

These guys may be old, but they still know how to travel in style. They're already planning to outfit their tour bus with Craftmatic Automatic Adjustable beds and a stereo system operated by “The Clapper.”

Lead singer Mick Jagger says that he still considers the band a relevant act in the contemporary music landscape.

Well, it's official: Mick Jagger is senile.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 1, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:52 pm UTC

Geraldo Rivera announced Thursday that he is quitting his prime-time talk show on CNBC to become a war correspondent for Fox News Channel.

Great. Now he can be in Afghanistan to cover the opening of Osama bin Laden's secret cave.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 1, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:11 pm UTC

Suspected terrorist Osama bin Laden reportedly condemned Pakistan's support of the U.S.-led military campaign against Afghanistan in a letter sent to the Al Jazeera television network on Thursday. 

The report could not be confirmed, however, since nobody was brave enough to open a letter with Osama bin Laden's name on the envelope.

I wonder if he put a return address on the envelope?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 1, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:13 am UTC

The New York Yankees beat the Arizona Diamondbacks in Game 4 of the World Series last night in dramatic fashion with a two-out, two-run home run by Tino Martinez in the ninth to tie the game, and a solo home run by Derek Jeter in the bottom of 10th inning.

Hell, forget the special forces – can we just send the Yankees over to Afghanistan?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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