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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
December 20, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:56 am UTC

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has just published his second novel in Iraq, “The Fortified Castle.”

Talk about a sure fire bestseller…

This has inspired Osama bin Laden to write his own book, “The Fortified Cave.” 

This should be some book tour. Not only will Saddam sign your book at the Baghdad Borders, he'll also sign your death warrant.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 11:30 pm UTC

A judge on Tuesday refused to modify the child custody arrangements between former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson and her ex-husband Tommy Lee, despite her claims that he was unstable. 

You can't feel too good about your parenting skills when a judge sides WITH Tommy Lee and against you in a custody dispute.

After the verdict Anderson told reporters that she would continue to fight “to my last day and my last dollar for what's best for my kids.”

She also said she'd fight so long as there was an ounce of silicone, plastic or collagen in her body.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:13 pm UTC

68-year-old actress Joan Collins is going to marry a man 32 years her junior, newspapers reported on Wednesday. 

The real advantage for an older women who marries a much younger man is that she's got a lot more excuses for getting out of sex like, “I don't want to do it tonight, honey ... because I can't remember who you are.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 18, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:57 pm UTC

The Baltimore Sun is challenging an on-air claim by Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera that he had been near Kandahar the day after a friendly fire bombing incident there killed three U.S. soldiers.

Is this a big story? Geraldo is always claiming to have been near something when he actually wasn't, like Al Capone's secret vault and Barbara Walter's bed.

Rivera reported on Dec. 6 that he became choked up after he visited the site of the bombing.

Turns out he was choking on his own mustache hair that blew into his mouth.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 9:59 pm UTC

President Bush recently had two pre-cancerous “actinic keratoses” skin legions removed from his face.

Luckily, the legions weren't the far more dangerous “osamabinladenic keratoses.”

The other type of lesion Bush had removed, “seborrheic keratoses,” are sometimes called “barnacles of old age.” They are quite common, become more numerous with age and are often removed for cosmetic reasons.

Just like lots of wives in L.A.

A White House doctor used liquid nitrogen to remove the lesions Friday. 

If that didn't work, he was prepared to use liquid daisy cutters to remove them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:37 pm UTC

Actor Tom Green filed for divorce in Los Angeles on Monday from his wife, actress Drew Barrymore.

I'm worried about what effect this will have on Drew's sobriety. I mean, if getting dumped by Tom Green doesn't shatter a girl's self esteem and drive her to drink, I don't know what will.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:06 pm UTC

Prosecutors won't file spousal abuse charges against Gary Busey because no one knows the whereabouts of the alleged victim.

In legal parlance, this is known as the “Gary Condit Defense.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 17, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:07 am UTC

Loretta Swit, best known as head nurse Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan on the sitcom “M*A*S*H*,” is set to star in “The Vagina Monologues.”

Just to show you that she's not exactly “Hot Lips” anymore, the first “M*A*S*H” alum the producers tried to hire was Klinger.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:01 am UTC

Oscar-nominated actress Winona Ryder was arrested for shoplifting at a Beverly Hills store when clerks saw her cram nearly $5,000 worth of clothes and accessories into a bag after ripping off their security tags.

I guess that's why she's only an Oscar-NOMINATED actress; an Oscar-WINNING actress would've been more smooth about it and not gotten caught.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 14, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 4:59 am UTC

Universal Pictures is developing a film version of “The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Unfortunately, they had to outbid New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner for the rights, so the movie will be called “The One Hundred and Twenty Six Million Dollar Man.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:41 am UTC

A photography agency in Great Britain is raising money for a children's refuge in Tanzania by auctioning off celebrities' pants.

This sounds like the perfect thing for Bill Clinton to get involved with, since it combines his two great loves: fundraising and taking off his pants.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:33 am UTC

Former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith was back in court on Tuesday, in her continuing legal effort to claim the $474 million inheritance she says she was promised by her late husband J. Howard Marshall II.

Marshall's son is claiming that his father said “IN HER PANTS” not “IN-HER-I-TANCE.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 12, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:32 am UTC

A British court granted actress Kate Winslet and her husband a “quickie” divorce on Thursday

Does everybody know what a “quickie” divorce is? It's when you have to get divorced because your celebrity wife keeps having “quickies” with other men.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:56 am UTC

54 year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger broke some ribs in a motorcycle accident last weekend.

It wasn't exactly a motorcycle accident; he crashed his Lark on the way to the early bird special at Dennys.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 11, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 5:56 am UTC

Police said Monday they had released a man arrested for allegedly stalking film star and model Liz Hurley.

Sounds like Hugh Grant really needs a new girlfriend.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:55 am UTC

54 year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger has agreed to star in “Terminator 3.”

The producers have had to make adjustments for the fact that Arnold is a little older now. In the first movie, Arnold's character survived getting run over by a truck, set on fire, shot at, and crushed in an industrial press. This time around, he has trouble getting out of a Craftmatic Automatic Adjustable Bed.

Schwarzenegger will receive a record $30 million salary for film.

And a promise that shooting would be done each day by 4:00 so he could make the early bird special at “Denny's.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 10, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:21 am UTC

Universal Studios is considering construction of a theme park in southern China.

In order to get the park built, Universal has to let the Chinese government design one of the attractions: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Organ Harvesting.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:08 pm UTC

Mexican performance artist Israel Mora has created an art exhibit made up of seven vials of his own semen, which he collected by masturbating once a day for a week.

So let me get this straight: a guy gets up every morning and masturbates and calls it art? I call it getting ready for work.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 2:00 pm UTC

Coca-Cola Co. has hired Muhammad Ali to help market the soft drink giant's brands. 

Is it really a good idea to hire a guy with uncontrollable shakes to market a caffeine drink?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:52 am UTC

Zookeepers in Beijing are using Viagra to try and encourage a pair of rare South China tigers to mate.

If they really want to encourage them to mate, they should just put them in a mobile home in Arkansas for a couple of months; they'll be reproducing like crazy in no time. 

The American government has already offered to send it's leading expert on impregnation to help: Jesse Jackson.

Fewer than 20 of the tigers are believed to exist in the wild but the problem is compounded because the tiger loses its sexual drive when in captivity. 

That's funny. That's what most women say about the human male.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 5, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 12:35 am UTC

Stephen Bing, the millionaire former lover of actress Elizabeth Hurley, has said that he doesn't believe he's the father of her unborn baby.

How much do you want to bet that until she announced she was pregnant, this guy was about to have the words “I Slept with Elizabeth Hurley” tatooed on his arm?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:57 am UTC

Federal agents searched O.J. Simpson's home early Tuesday as part of an investigation into an Ecstasy drug ring that also laundered money and stole equipment to activate satellite television signals.

O.J.'s not actually a suspect in the crime; it's just standard operating procedure now to search his home whenever a crime is committed.

Agents arrived at Simpson's house around 6 a.m. Eastern Standard Time and the former football great was at home. 

Of course he was home; everybody knows that O.J. doesn't usually start assaulting or murdering people until after lunch.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 4, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 6:05 am UTC

Pop singer Mariah Carey performed for U.S. troops in Kosovo on Tuesday to help boost their morale.

That's why she made sure to NOT show them “Glitter”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 8:58 am UTC

George Harrison's hometown of Liverpool, England held a minute of meditation on Monday, in remembrance of the late Beatle.

The Detroit Lions must've really loved George Harrison, because it looked like they were silently meditating for about three hours on Sunday.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 7:57 am UTC

Pop singer Elton John told an audience at a recent concert that his latest album, “Songs From The West Coast,” would be his last.

That's too much to hope for; I'd be happy if he'd just stop re-recording “Candle in the Wind.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 3, 2001.
  Web Posted at: 3:43 am UTC

The family of former Beatle George Harrison plans to immerse his ashes in the sacred Ganges river in India.

I hope he got a TB shot before he died.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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