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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
February 28, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:57 am UTC

Tonya Harding and AmyFisher are going to face off in the boxing ring on “Celebrity Boxing,”a Fox special scheduled to air March 13.

Doesn't boxing have enoughproblems these days without adding Tonya Harding to the mix?

What's next, hiring thatFrench figure skating judge as a referee?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:19 pm UTC

“Screw” magazine publisherAl Goldstein was convicted on Wednesday of harassing a former employee.

I guess he couldn't use theold “I'm a respectable member of society” defense.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:37 am UTC

The Canadian men's hockeyteam beat the United States' team 5-2 to win the Olympic gold medal onSunday.

You know who was really rootingfor the U.S. team? The manager of the Holiday Inn where the U.S. playerswere staying.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:35 pm UTC

Chuck Jones, the Oscar-winninganimator who created Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner, died Friday ofcongestive heart failure at age 89. 

Plans for a memorial servicewill be announced once the coffin arrives from the Acme Casket Company.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:44 am UTC

For the second straightOlympics, favorite Michelle Kwan lost the gold medal in women's figureskating to a younger American teammate, losing to 16 year-old Sarah HughesThursday night.

Well, as they say, alwaysa bridesmaid, never a bride. Or, as they say in Utah, always a second bride,never a first bride.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:39 pm UTC

An Arizona woman is claimingthat a group of aliens called “The Brotherhood of Light” will appear atthe Olympics.

That's not as crazy as itsounds; “brothers” are pretty much aliens in Utah.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:35 am UTC

Federal authorities kepta close watch on the Liberty Bell on Thursday after receiving a “nonspecific”threat that someone planned to attack it.

What's to protect? Isn'tit already broken?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:02 am UTC

The Russian space agencyon Tuesday denied reports that 'N Sync member Lance Bass was going to travelon a Russian rocket for a mission in November.

If it's a question of money,I'll be happy to pitch in.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:40 pm UTC

ABC is developing a newwartime “reality” show called “Profiles From the Front Line.” 

The first episode will followBarbara Walters and Diane Sawyer as they vie for the right to interviewRosie O'Donnell.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:52 am UTC

ABC News stars BarbaraWalters and Diane Sawyer on Tuesday denied any rift between them over aninterview in which talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell is expected to discussher homosexuality for the first time publicly. 

Can there be any doubt thatAmerica is officially getting back to normal after September 11, if theseare the kinds of things making the news?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:27 am UTC

U.S. bobsledder VonettaFlowers became the first black athlete ever to win a gold medal at theWinter Olympics, when her sled reached speeds close to 80 mph win the inauguralwomen's Olympic bobsled race.

It's also the first timea black person travelling that fast in Utah wasn't pulled over by the police.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

Fifteen flights were delayedand about a thousand passengers re-screened Tuesday morning at LouisvilleInternational Airport in Kentucky after a security screener was discoveredasleep at his post. 

I thought these sorts ofthings were going to be eliminated by having the federal government takeover airport security? Who did they hire to handle security – postal workers?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:23 pm UTC

The International OlympicCommittee Friday afternoon awarded a gold medal to the Canadian figure-skatingpair who initially won the silver Monday night, after a French judge admittedthat she was pressured by her own federation to give the Russian pair thegold.

This is highly unusual; normally,it's the Germans who are pressuring the French to give things up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:46 am UTC

Researchers at Texas A&MUniversity announced Thursday that they have successfully cloned a cat.

One person who was glad tohear this news was Bill Clinton – he's all for cloning pussies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:03 pm UTC

Police in north Floridaarrested two sons of the late Jamaican reggae star Bob Marley on marijuanapossession charges, officials said on Thursday. 

Do you think the police inFlorida really consider this a big arrest? Arresting a couple of guys fromJamaica for possessing marijuana must be about as challenging as arrestinga Bush daughter.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:13 pm UTC

Former New York MayorRudolph Giuliani has received an honorary knighthood from Queen ElizabethII for his work helping families affected by the September 11 terror attacks. 

That's the good news. Thebad news is that in order to become a full-fledged knight, he's got toperform a really impossible task – straighten out the Queen's family.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:49 pm UTC

The International SkatingUnion announced Tuesday that it will conduct an investigation into thecontroversial judging decision at the finals of the Olympic pairs figureskating competition Monday night.

Ken Lay is expected to takethe fifth again.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:31 pm UTC

The sperm of a New Yorkmobster is the subject of a court battle between the government and hiswife, who helped bribe a guard to smuggle the fluid out of the prison whereher husband is doing time. 

This must've been the firsttime a woman has had to bribe a guy to produce some sperm.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:43 am UTC

The Oscar nominationswere announced today, with the fantasy movie “The Lord of the Rings” leadingthe way with 13 nominations.

Too bad the Olympic pairsfigure skating broadcast wasn't eligible to be nominated for an award;now THERE was a fantasy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:49 am UTC

Two robbers held up aBritish Airways security van at London's Heathrow airport on Monday raisingquestions about the effectiveness of increased airport security since September11. 

I'll tell you who shouldbe running security at the airports – the pilots! We already know they'repretty good with axes.

Police said the crime,in which the robbers got away with $6.5 million in cash in various currencies,was a pretty well planned and executed operation.

In fact, they said it wasthe slickest international robbery since the Olympic pairs figure skatingfinal in Salt Lake City.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:02 am UTC

Did everybody hear aboutthe big multi-million dollar robbery that took place yesterday?

That's right; the “Friends”cast got NBC to pay for another season.

Reportedly, each of thesix stars of the show would be paid about $1 million each per episode nextseason.

Forget this Enron thing;there should be a congressional investigation into THIS deal.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:21 am UTC

Victoria Beckham, aka”Posh Spice,” gave a broad hint Monday that the world may have finallylost interest in the Spice Girls.

If she really thinks we don'talready know this, then she also gave a broad hint that she's completelyout of touch with reality.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:47 pm UTC

The University of Georgiais experimenting with burning chicken fat as an alternative to oil to heatthe campus.

I'm not sure who I'd ratherbe dependent on for my heat – Saudi Arabia or Frank Perdue.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:00 pm UTC

A coalition of Christianand conservative groups has complained to the Fox television network aboutoffensive story lines in the high school drama “Boston Public,” such asone where a female student performs oral sex on a male classmate who'srunning for class president.

In addition to being offensive,it's also not realistic. If they're going to write these sorts of plotlines, they should at least do it for a show where this sort of thing wouldbe believable – like “The West Wing.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:01 pm UTC

A passenger tried to forcehis way into the cockpit of a United Airlines plane Thursday but was subduedafter the co-pilot hit him over the head with a small ax. 

This is really getting ridiculous.First you had that guy trying to light his shoe on fire who bit the stewardess.Now you've got the copilot wacking guys on the head with an axe. Flyingthese days is starting to sound like being on an episode of “WWF Smackdown!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 pm UTC

A study by the KaiserFamily Foundation has found that alcohol and drug use affects whether youngpeople have sex.

Did somebody really needto do a study to figure this out? Were the researchers all waiting aroundanxiously for the results saying stuff like “Geee, I wonder how this studywill turn out?!”

And does anybody think thisphenomenon is restricted to YOUNG people?

There are plenty of old peoplewhose drug use affects whether they have sex – the ones taking Viagra.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:06 am UTC

Victoria Gotti, daughterof imprisoned mobster John Gotti, was granted a divorce from her husbandCarmine.

I'll bet plenty of guys aregonna be beating down her door for a date.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:32 am UTC

New census data releasedby the Commerce Department shows that and more than half of all Americansare now connected to the Internet.

Of course, half of THOSEpeople are only surfing with one hand..

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:17 am UTC

Representatives for thecast of “Friends” have negotiations to bring the hit comedy back for aninth season next fall.

I think that the older thecast gets, the more realistic the whole premise of the show becomes: abunch of friends who have lots of free time to hang out together, eat togetherand watch TV together. The only difference is that, in real life, that'scalled being in a nursing home.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:59 am UTC

Basketball star MichaelJordan and his wife Juanita have announced that they will not be divorcing,as they announced last month.

What's up with Michael Jordan?First he's retired, then he's not. Then he's getting divorced, then he'snot. He's flip-flopping more then an Enron executive.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:59 am UTC

Basketball star MichaelJordan and his wife Juanita have announced that they will not be divorcing,as they announced last month.

What's up with Michael Jordan?First he's retired, then he's not. Then he's getting divorced, then he'snot. He's flip-flopping more then an Enron executive.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:53 am UTC

Former Beatle Paul McCartneyannounced on Monday that he will be touring the U.S. this April on his”Drivin' USA” tour.

Great. Another old personon the road.

The tour will include14 shows from California to New York.

Plus a lot of early birdspecials at “Red Lobster”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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