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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
March 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:47 am UTC

Two Kansas City schoolteachers face dismissal for strip-searching third-grade students lookingfor $5 in missing lunch money.

Didn't these teachers knowthat you just don't do that sort of thing in school? Well, maybe in Catholicschool you do, but not in public school.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:13 am UTC

Two people in Louisianaleft a 15-mile-long trail of doughnuts after they stole a Krispy Kremetruck and fled with its rear doors open.

Being Louisiana, most ofthe witnesses at first thought the doughnuts were a tasty new form of roadkill.

Apparently, the two suspectshad been smoking crack cocaine for several hours before the incident.

The whole thing sounds likea Robert Downey Jr. and Daryl Strawberry road trip.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:34 pm UTC

Country singer Lyle Lovettwas trampled by a bull at his uncle's farm on Wednesday, suffering a brokenleg, his tour manager said. 

He hadn't been dumped thathard since Julia Roberts divorced him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:09 pm UTC

Indian scientists havecome up with a cure for flatulence, by blasting food like beans with gammarays.

Did I miss something? IsIndia so well off now that they can afford to spend money on nuclear poweredfart prevention?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:56 am UTC

Scientists have figuredout the source of a giant black blob floating off of the Florida coast.

It turned out it was justAl Roker on vacation.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:12 pm UTC

The CEO of Arthur Andersen,Joseph Berardino, resigned Tuesday in the aftermath of the Enron collapse.

I think the best punishmentfor him would be to have Arthur Andersen do his taxes every year for therest of his life.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:23 am UTC

A researcher who discoveredevidence linking U.S. corporations to the slave trade, has filed a federallawsuit on behalf of 35 million African-Americans.

Does Michael Jackson countas a plaintiff or a defendant in this matter?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 pm UTC

A new report by the TransportationDepartment found that, in the months after the September terrorist attacks,airport security screeners missed knives 70 percent of the time, guns 30percent of the time and simulated explosives 60 percent of the time

On the plus side, the reportshowed that we've got the best rested airport security personnel in theworld!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:18 am UTC

“A Beautiful Mind” wonfour Oscars, including best picture, at the 74th Academy Awards Sundaynight. 

Even though it won, mostof the academy members hadn't actually seen the movie; they thought itwas about a woman who got collagen injections in her forehead.

The film also won theBest Director Oscar for Ron Howard.

Clearly, he didn't have anyneed to thank Floyd the barber.

Halle Berry won the BestActress Oscar for her performance in “Monster's Ball.”

Her acceptance speech wasreally quite emotional. In fact, friends said they hadn't seen her crylike that in public since the premiere of “The Flintstones.”

Security was extremelytight for this year's event, which was being held for the first time inthe Kodak Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard.

The security precautionswere a big success. Not a single Baldwin brother could be found in thetheatre.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:24 pm UTC

U.S. Park Police foundformer Washington Mayor Marion Barry in a parked car Thursday night witha “powdery substance” under his nose and traces of marijuana and cocainein his car.

Well, he's clearly makingprogress; at least there weren't any prostitutes with him this time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:47 am UTC

The Postal Rate Commissionon Friday approved an increase in the price of a first-class stamp to 37cents.

37 cents to mail a letter?Can we get the Post Office added to the “Axis of Evil”?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:44 am UTC

A British scientist whohad a silicon chip implanted in his arm is claiming to be the world's firstcyborg — part human, part machine.

American scientists are disputingthe claim, saying that Al Gore has been around for decades.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:01 pm UTC

British supermodel KateMoss has revealed she is pregnant with her first child. 

I guess that means she'seating for one-and-a-half now.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:09 pm UTC

Pamela Anderson said onWednesday she has contracted the potentially fatal liver disease HepatitisC by sharing a tattoo needle with ex-husband Tommy Lee. 

That's strange. I would'vethought the two of them would have been required to get shots before marryingeach other.

Anderson said that Leehad the disease but never disclosed it to her during their marriage.

Although Tommy Lee can'tbe prosecuted for infecting her, President Bush is strongly consideringadding Tommy Lee to the “Axis of Evil” as a walking bio-terrorism threat.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:38 am UTC

The world's oldest livingperson has died at the age of 115.

That means that the world'soldest living person is now ... Dick Clark.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:38 pm UTC

Actor Robert Downey Jr.appeared in court on Tuesday, where a judge said he was pleased with theactor's progress in drug rehabilitation.

Can we all agree that thebar for judging the progress of drug rehab patients has been lowered abit by Daryl Strawberry?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:34 am UTC

Osama bin Laden's brothersaid in an interview that the family knows that bin Laden is alive.

Apparently, he keeps showingup at home to do his laundry for free.

In an interview with CNN,bin Laden's brother did not want his last name revealed.

I think we can all see whythis guy isn't known as the “mastermind” of the family.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC

The Bush administrationhas decided to end around-the-clock combat air patrols over New York andinstead will rely a plan to keep fighter jets on “strip alert,” ready tofly within 15 minutes, officials said. 

The plane will be code named”Operation Times Square”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:42 pm UTC

“Ice Age,” an animatedprehistoric comedy was the #1 movie in North America this past weekend.

It was also a big hit inAfghanistan, except that there it's considered science-fiction.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:22 am UTC

Tennessee Democrats aretrying to persuade Tipper Gore to run for the U.S. Senate seat once heldby her husband. 

The Tennessee Democrats areonly saying that because the New York Democrats have told them how oftenHillary Clinton has been out of town since she got elected to the Senate.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:00 pm UTC

A Massachusetts companyhas manufactured “Wipe Out Terrorism” toilet paper, imprinted with Osamabin Laden's face.

Wouldn't this be a more effectiveinsult if we put bin Laden's image on something he and his followers werefamiliar with?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:10 am UTC

Arthur Anderson, the accountingfirm for Enron, is considering declaring bankruptcy.

They'll make a final decisiononce they run the numbers – through the shredder.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:26 am UTC

Yugoslavia has decidedto change its name to Serbia and Montenegro.

Originally, they had soldthe naming rights to Enron, but that deal fell through.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:28 pm UTC

Former baseball star DarrylStrawberry was arrested after being kicked out of a Florida drug rehabcenter because he repeatedly broke rules by having sex with a fellow patient,smoking, and shaving his head.

I don't get it – he's gettingpunished for having sex with a fellow patient, smoking and shaving hishead by being sent to a place where people spend all day having sex witheach other, smoking and getting their heads shaved.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:07 am UTC

The Florida flight schoolwhere the two hijackers who flew planes into the World Trade Center receivedtraining was notified on Monday by the Immigration and Naturalization Servicethat the two men had been approved for student visas. 

The federal government respondedby saying that, even though the visas were granted, there's no guaranteetheir federal student loan applications will be approved.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:45 pm UTC

Mike Tyson has receiveda license to fight in Washington D.C

Where's that shadow governmentwhen we need it?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:10 pm UTC

Oprah Winfrey has announcedthat she will end of popular daytime talk show after the 2005-2006 season.

Wow. First Sally Jesse Raphael,and now Oprah. If we can get rid of those people, then there must be hopethat we can get Osama bin Laden!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:07 am UTC

The producers of the “TheSally Jessy Raphael Show” have decided to cancel the show, after 19 yearson the air.

Wow. 19 years. That meansthe show has spanned three generations of her guests.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:51 am UTC

David Letterman has reachedagreement with CBS to keep his show on that network through 2007.

Given that the last timeDave changed networks Bryant Gumbel followed him, you've got to figurethat the people at “Good Morning America” must be pretty relieved.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:35 pm UTC

Kmart Corp. will close284 stores, cutting about 22,000 jobs, as part of its restructuring underChapter 11 bankruptcy, the company announced Friday. 

This really helps Kmart'sbottom line in two ways: it lowers costs and it should increase sales,since those 22,000 people won't be able to afford to shop anywhere else.

That's bad news for TonyaHarding; now where is she going to get her outfit for “Celebrity Boxing”?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:45 pm UTC

A federal judge on Thursdayawarded former topless dancer Anna Nicole Smith $88 million in a bittercourt fight with E. Pierce Marshall, the son of her late husband, 89-year-oldbillionaire J. Howard Marshall, over the inheritance of Marshall's estate.

The ruling came after Smithrejected a proposed settlement by Marshall, where he would pay her thefull inheritance – so long as he got pay her in one dollar bills that hewould tuck into her g-string.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:52 pm UTC

CBS, in a tug-of-war withABC for the services of David Letterman, has reportedly offered the “LateShow” host an annual salary of $31.5 million plus performance bonuses.

If you're making $31.5 milliona year, do you really need “performance bonuses”?

In response, ABC has reallyupped the ante, offering Dave an exclusive interview with Sam Donaldson'shairpiece.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:19 pm UTC

The New York Times reportedon Wednesday that U.S. officials have evidence that al Qaeda fighters loyalto the ousted Taliban regime in Afghanistan are in Pakistan sending eachother e-mail messages and visiting Web sites.

See? Those al Qaeda peoplearen't really that different from us; they waste time on the internet whenthey should be working just like we do!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:52 am UTC

Californian congressmanGary Condit lost the Democratic primary for his seat on Tuesday.

He's still hoping to runfor the shadow congress.

I feel most sorry for thepeople working for him. After all, we all know what happened the last timehe had to let one of his interns go.

After so many years in Congress,Condit is going to have to adjust to the differences between life in thepublic and private sectors. For example, in the private sector, prostituteswon't work for college credit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:32 pm UTC

The maker of Jack Danielsis in discussions with NBC to run hard liquor ads on the network.

This doesn't sound like thegreatest public relations move for the network that's already brought usO.J. Simpson and Jayson Williams.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:04 am UTC

Four Secret Service agentsgot into a brawl outside a San Diego bar last week and one of the agentsbit off the tip of a man's ear.

Well, I guess if Mike Tysoncan't get licensed to box again, he can always get a job as a Secret Serviceagent.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:56 pm UTC

The new film “40 Daysand 40 Nights,” about a guy who gives up sex for lent, was No. 2 at thebox office over the weekend.

One of the reasons this filmdid so well is that the Catholic Church ordered all of its priests to gosee it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 1, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:10 pm UTC

President Bush admittedthat, in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks, a “shadow government” consistingof 75 or more senior officials has been living and working secretly outsideWashington.

That's the good news. Thebad news is that, in order to pay for the shadow government, there's alsoa “shadow IRS” and everybody will owe twice as much in taxes this year.

More bad news: Al Gore isconsidering a run for “shadow president” in 2004.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 1, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:20 am UTC

Monica Lewinsky said inan interview with Larry King on Thursday that her relationship with PresidentClinton was “mutual” in every aspect. 

It was mutual all right;they both wanted her to perform oral sex on him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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