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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
April 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:34 pm UTC

Kelli Carpenter, the long time partner of talk show host Rosie O'Donnell, is pregnant.

Rosie won't reveal how Carpenter became pregnant except to say that it was “divine intervention”; so, I'm thinking it was a Catholic priest.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:42 pm UTC

Tennis star Anna Kournikovais suing Penthouse magazine, claiming that topless photos that the magazineclaims are of her are fake.

What's the big deal here?Isn't that why people buy Penthouse anyway, to see fake stuff?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:19 pm UTC

An Iowa teen-ager hasbeen charged with terrorism after he allegedly plotted to spike the punchat his high school prom with a substance that would make people seriouslyill or kill them.

He was going to spike itwith something from the school lunch room.

The police said that anunknown liquid that belonged to the suspect was being tested.

The liquid was sent for expertanalysis to somebody who something about plotting a murder – Robert Blake.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:02 am UTC

A friend of Jayson Williams- accused of the shooting death of his limo driver – testified in courtthat he tampered with the evidence to make it look as if the victim firedthe gun.

He said he tried to makethe victim look like Robert Blake.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:28 pm UTC

The Los Angeles CountyDistrict Attorney has decided that it will not seek the death penalty foractor Robert Blake if he is convicted of murdering his wife.

They've come up with a farworse penalty: being an alter boy at a Catholic church.

Instead, Blake would facelife in prison without the possibility of parole.

Life in prison is worse thandeath, because those prison televisions don't get much more than old “Barretta”reruns.

In order to get the deathpenalty in California, there needs to be “special circumstances.”

Sure, like not being a celebrity

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:15 am UTC

Pop superstar MichaelJackson appeared at a Democratic fundraiser in Harlem on Wednesday.

Why are the Democrats invitingMichael Jackson to these events? Are they trying to win the Catholic Priestvote or something?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:26 am UTC

MTV's latest episode of”The Osbournes” – highlighted by Osbourne's wife Sharon threatening tourinate into a Jack Daniel's bottle – was the most-watched episode everfor a series on the cable channel. 

Let's see, when “Survivor”was first a huge hit, Fox took the idea and created “Temptation Island”.Anybody else scared what Fox may come up with now?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:16 am UTC

Two former stuntmen areclaiming that Robert Blake tried to hire them to kill his wife.

That really is quite silly.Robert Blake NEVER uses a stunt man; he always does things himself.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:43 pm UTC

American Cardinals meetingwith Pope John Paul II agreed to adopt a “one-strike-you're-out” policyfor any priest involved in a future sex abuse case.

How about we take it onestep farther – don't let them gets their hands on the bats and balls inhe first place!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:49 am UTC

“Ultimate Dodgeball,”a new reality show involving celebrities playing the popular children'sgame, is being shopped to various cable networks. 

If they want to make theshow exciting they should make sure to pick celebrities that'll reallywant to kill each other – like Catholic Priests vs. the kids from “Zoom.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:28 pm UTC

17 year-old Robert Ilerof “The Sopranos” pleaded guilty Tuesday to mugging two youths and stealing$40.

He's already been voted “MostLikely to Become Robert Blake” by his high school classmates.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:31 am UTC

Linda Boreman, who starredas Linda Lovelace in the 1972 pornographic film “Deep Throat” died Monday.

When he first heard thatthe “Deep Throat” woman had died, Bill Clinton thought that something hadhappened to Monica Lewinsky.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:42 am UTC

United Airlines pilotswill soon be carrying stun guns for self-defense in the cockpit.

Great! They can use themto wake up the airport security guards on their way to the planes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:34 pm UTC

ABC is going to air aninterview with the spirit of Robert Blake's murdered wife, the late BonnyLee Bakley.

That's not as crazy as itsounds. After all, ABC puts Dick Clark on the air all the time and he'sbeen dead for years.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:43 am UTC

Sylvester Stallone hasbeen named the action star of the millennium by the Video Software DealersAssociation.

The runner up was PamelaAnderson; she's gotten more action on video then almost anybody.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:42 pm UTC

An Arizona man was arrestedfor child abuse and aggravated assault after he bit off his 2-year-oldson's thumb and held it in his mouth for about six hours.

That's ironic; usually it'sthe child who has he thumb sucking problem.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:42 pm UTC

An Arizona man was arrested for child abuse and aggravated assault after he bit off his 2-year-old son's thumb and held it in his mouth for about six hours.

That's ironic; usually it's the child who has he thumb sucking problem.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:15 am UTC

Former figure skater TonyaHarding was cited for drunken driving in Oregon early Saturday after shecrashed her pickup into a ditch. 

They became suspicious shewas on something when she got of the truck, turned green, expanded hermuscles unto she burst out of her shirt and lifted the truck out of theditch.

Forget Tonya. They should'vetested the people who decided to ride in the truck with her for being underthe influence.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:54 am UTC

Clothing maker Abercrombie& Fitch said on Thursday it was pulling a new line of T-shirts whichdepict caricatures of Asians in conical hats after Asian-American groupscomplained they were a blatant example of racist stereotyping. 

The ironic thing is, theshirts were probably MADE by Asians in conical hats.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:54 am UTC

The Senate defeated ameasure Thursday to allow oil drilling in the Arctic Refuge, a centralpart of President Bush's plan to revamp America's energy policy.

This is quite a change fromthe days when Clinton was president and there was drilling going on allthe time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:37 am UTC

68 year-old Actor RobertBlake was arrested on Thursday and accused of shooting his wife to deathalmost a year ago with police saying they wanted to seek the death penalty. 

It's a good thing they arrestedhim before he died of old age then.

If it took us a whole yearto arrest Robert Blake, then how long is going to take us to get Osamabin Laden?

Television helicoptersfollowed the police car as it carried Blake along busy Los Angeles freeways,a scene that eerily recaptured the chase and arrest of former footballstar O.J. Simpson. 

This is all a bit too muchlike the O.J. case. I'm just waiting to hear that Kato Kaelin was livingin Blake's guest house.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:50 am UTC

Fox has cancelled “AllyMcBeal”.

Thank god! Maybe now CalistaFlockhart will get depressed and eat something fatty.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:16 pm UTC

A law firm has sued O.J.Simpson for more than $200,000, claiming the former football star failedto pay legal fees last year resulting from his child custody battle. 

Poor O.J., even his lawyershave turned on him. That makes him less popular than the tobacco industry.

O.J. has offered to meetand discuss the matter – after a nice dinner at the Mezzaluna Restaurantin Brentwood.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:02 am UTC

In the wake of recentcharges of sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, the Vatican willbe holding a meeting with U.S. cardinals next week.

The meeting won't be entirelybusiness; there's also going to be a little entertainment – the ViennaBoys Choir.

This whole sex scandal hashad one positive effect – Michael Jackson is now interested in becominga Catholic priest.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:52 pm UTC

The mother of a teen-ageboy who flew a Cessna aircraft into a Tampa office building filed a $70million wrongful death and negligence lawsuit Tuesday against the manufacturersof a drug the boy took to treat acne. 

If that suits fails, thenmaybe they should go after Pizza Hut and Hershey for giving him acne inthe first place.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC

Researchers at the Universityof California have discovered that male frogs exposed to even very lowdoses of a common weed killer can develop multiple sex organs — sometimesboth male and female.

As far as  can figure,the only people this sort of research could ever benefit are the pornographyindustry or the Catholic church.

The weed killer in question,Atrazine, is the most commonly used one in North America and can be foundin rainwater, snow runoff and ground water. 

And, soon, at college fraternities!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:27 am UTC

Twentieth Century Foxis developing a sequel to its low-budget hit comedy “Dude, Where's My Car?”

The studio is even planningon future sequels for distribution in other parts of the world. For instance,they're planning on one for the middle east called  “Dude, Where'sMy Arafat?”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:25 am UTC

MTV's show “The Osbournes”is such a big hit that the family has signed with a talent agency to helpit explore a new deal for a possible second season of the show 

The Detroit Tigers are sodesperate for a hit, they're considering bidding for it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:01 pm UTC

European scientists wereshocked recently to discover a supercolony of billions of Argentine antsthat cooperate with one another. 

These findings would be alot more surprising if it was a colony of Palestinian and Israeli antsliving in harmony.

Not surprisingly, Fox isdeveloping a new reality show based on the colony called “Temptation Anthill.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:15 pm UTC

Today is April 15th, theday federal income tax returns are due.

Quick – everybody head toyour panic room!

Obviously, this is a bigday for accounting companies. In fact, I think Arthur Andersen was throwinga ticker tape parade because I saw their employees throwing lots of shreddedpaper out the windows.

The IRS has vowed to reallycrack down on tax cheats this year. In fact, if they call you in to reviewto your taxes it won't be called getting “audited: any more; instead, it'llbe called getting “Arafated”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:22 pm UTC

The FDA announced Mondayit has approved a product called Botox Cosmetic, made from the toxin thatcauses the food poisoning known as botulism, to remove wrinkles. 

For people like Cher andJoan Rivers who've already had a lot of facial work done there will bean extra strength version available, called Small Pox Cosmetic.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:56 am UTC

The Supreme Court Justicesagreed Monday to hear a case involving Victoria's Secret.

Please god, don't let RuthBader Ginsburg try on any of the exhibits.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:44 pm UTC

Actress-comedian EllenDeGeneres has signed a deal to host a daily talk/variety show, her thirdouting as the star of her own TV series, starting next year.

A talk/variety show willdiffer from her previous two network shows in that she'll talk about somethingother than being gay.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:02 am UTC

In a recent survey ofconducted by telephone, 79 percent of respondents said a lack of respectand courtesy in American society is a serious problem.

The other 21 percent slammedthe phone down when they heard it was a telephone survey.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 2, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:21 pm UTC

McDonald's has begun importingbeef from Australia and New Zealand for its hamburgers. 

This is really shocking.McDonald's uses beef in its hamburgers?!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 2, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 am UTC

The National Sleep Foundationhas released the results of a poll which show that Americans are gettingan average of 6.9 hours of sleep on weekdays.

Except for airport securityguards, who get about 8 hours more sleep on weekdays.

Respondents noted thatnot getting enough sleep made them more likely to get angry while driving. 

Except for old people whotend to sleep WHILE they're driving.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 1, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:38 pm UTC

Coca-Cola is reportedlydeveloping a vanilla-flavored version of Coke.

They're planning to callit “Michael Jackson Coke”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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