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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
May 31, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:49 pm UTC

Harrision Ford is going to return as the bullwhip-cracking archeologist Indiana Jones in a fourth movie, aimed for a July 4, 2005 release, just nine days shy of Ford's 63rd birthday.

63? The only thing Harrision Ford will be in danger of cracking by the time he makes this movie is a hip.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:32 pm UTC

Christina Silvas, the California woman who agreed to quit stripping so her 5-year-old daughter could return to her Christian school, has now posed nude for Playboy.

It's good thing she didn't agree not to do any porn movies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:13 pm UTC

Singer Diana Ross has entered a Southern California drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, weeks before she is to launch a world tour. 

Well that's certainly good because is she thinks anybody in the world is going to pay to see her, then she really is on drugs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 am UTC

Amid sharp criticism over intelligence failures before September 11, the FBI has announced plans to reorganize and focus on preventing terrorism. 

They're pretty serious about this. So serious, in fact, that they're planning on hiring 900 additional agents by September.

And that's just for keeping an eye on Catholic priests.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:52 am UTC

Oceanographer Robert Ballard has found the remains of the World War II patrol boat captained by John F. Kennedy which was sunk by a Japanese destroyer in the Pacific Ocean.

Ballard's next project will also involve finding another vehicle that sank with a Kennedy at the helm: Ted Kennedy's car.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:17 am UTC

E! Networks is producing a reality show like “The Osbournes” revolving around Anna Nicole Smith.

This show is pretty similar to “The Osbournes” in one respect: they both feature women whose husbands are dead.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:20 am UTC

Washington's medical examiner said Tuesday that Chandra Levy's death was a homicide. 

Did we really need a medical examiner to tell us that? Heck, even the FBI could've figured THAT out.

He also said that how Chandra died may always be a mystery.

Yep. As big of a mystery as how Dick Cheney is still alive.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 28, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:48 pm UTC

President Bush headed home Tuesday to Washington after meeting with Pope John Paul II, the final stop on his weeklong European tour. 

Bush praised the pope as “one of the greatest kings the Roman Catholic people have ever had.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:44 pm UTC

A new study by the National Academy of Science shows that broccoli contains a chemical that kills the bacteria responsible for most stomach cancer.

This report is another black eye for the Bush administration. Apparently, the FBI had this information last summer, too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:43 pm UTC

“Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones” was the top movie at the box office over Memorial Day weekend.

For a lot of people “Star Wars” isn't just a movie, it's a way of life. I mean, most of these guys spend EVERY Saturday night holding their lightsabers in the dark.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:22 pm UTC

Government prosecutors said in a court filing on Thursday that accused shoe bomber Richard Reid had hoped to cause the American public to lose confidence in airline security and stop travelling.

What was this idiot thinking? That anybody who wasn't already scared of flying after September 11th was going to be scared by a guy who couldn't even light his own shoe on fire?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:13 pm UTC

An archaeological dig in West Africa has revealed evidence of a group of chimpanzees that used primitive tools as long as five million years ago.

The dig has also revealed that a second group of chimpanzees who were hired to use more sophisticated tools to clean up after the chimps with the primitive tools screwed things up.

The evidence is in the form of fragments of rudimentary stone hammers that the chimps used to crack open nuts.

This just proves that guys have been playing with tools and their nuts for millions of years.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:28 am UTC

A man tried to rush the altar as Pope John Paul II celebrated mass in Azerbaijan on Wednesday. 

Luckily, there were lots of altar boys around the pope who knew how to deal with an aggressive male.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:58 pm UTC

Rosie O'Donnell taped the final episode of her daytime talk show on Wednesday singing “And now it's time to say goodbye” to the tune of “Lullaby of Broadway.”

I guess it's true what they say; it really isn't over until the fat lady sings.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:38 pm UTC

A Beverly Hills judge has granted Winona Ryder's request for a continuance of the preliminary hearing in her shoplifting case.

Apparently, she needs time to shoplift around for a new outfit for court.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:41 pm UTC

New York Mets All-Star catcher Mike Piazza has denied rumors that he is gay.

Piazza said that he likes to date and impregnate women just like any other ballplayer.

Piazza said Tuesday that, although he isn't gay, the major leagues are ready for gay players.

That's just what gays want to hear: a bunch of guys with bats are “ready for them”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:53 pm UTC

Magician David Blaine, who has endured being entombed in a block of ice for 61 hours and being buried below ground for a week, was hoisted on Tuesday to the top of an 80-foot pillar in midtown Manhattan, where he intends to stand for 35 hours.

Blaine said he learned to endure great discomfort when he was growing up – he spent several years as an altar boy in a Catholic Church.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:54 am UTC

Elton John doesn't know whether Queen Elizabeth II will like the music that he and other rock stars will perform for her Golden Jubilee next month. 

If there's one singer who should know what queens like, it's Elton John.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:55 pm UTC

20th Century Fox announced on Monday that “Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones” actually made about $6 million less during its first four days in release than was projected on Sunday.

They decided not to count the extra tickets a lot of these guys bought for their “dates” who were “in the bathroom.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:58 am UTC

Vice President Dick Cheney said on Sunday that it is “almost certain” that the United States will again be attacked by terrorists.

Cheney said he based this conclusion on a discussion he had with a guy who's a real expert on predicting attacks – his cardiologist.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:18 pm UTC

A Los Angeles judge is expected to rule on Monday on whether actor Robert Blake should be allowed to pay legal defense costs for his bodyguard, who allegedly helped him plan his wife's murder last year. 

Blake said he has to pay or he'll be sued for nonpayment for services rendered.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:45 pm UTC

“Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones” has made up $183 million at box offices worldwide in the first four days of release. 

Now just imagine how much money it would make if all those guys who went could actually get dates.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:20 pm UTC

The latest issue of “People” magazine announces the “best body parts” in Hollywood.

Robert Blake got the nod for “Best Trigger Finger.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:45 pm UTC

A truck containing airport worker uniforms was stolen May 4 from a Kansas City, Missouri, uniform company.

In light of the recent allegations that he didn't take pre September 11th warnings seriously enough, President Bush has ordered the arrest of anybody wearing an airport worker uniform.

An FBI spokesman said Thursday that the agency has no suspects and no leads in the case.

Do they really need to make this sort of announcement? Don't we all just assume by now that the FBI doesn't know what it's doing?

The FBI isn't overly concerned about finding the culprits.

The spokesman explained why, saying “these things usually play themselves out.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:34 am UTC

Jason Kidd and the New Jersey Nets beat the Charlotte Hornets last night to advance to the NBA's Eastern Conference Finals against the Boston Celtics

Catholic priests in Boston are pretty excited about this matchup; they're always excited to see a Kidd in shorts.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:20 pm UTC

President Bush's daily intelligence briefings in the weeks leading up to the September 11 terror attacks included a warning of the possibility that Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda network would attempt to hijack a U.S.-based airliner, senior administration officials said Wednesday. 

Was this information that Osama bin Laden was planning to attack us really so shocking? Isn't it kind of like a doctor predicting that Dick Cheney was going to have a heart attack?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:15 pm UTC

Scientists have discovered a new iceberg off of Antarctica which is bigger than the entire state of Delaware. 

Not only is it bigger than Delaware, but more people know where it is too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:09 pm UTC

37 years after dropping out of college, Steven Spielberg has finally earned his college degree from California State University, Long Beach by working on independent projects and not attending any classes.

He got his college degree without attending any classes? In other words, he had a normal college experience.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:15 am UTC

A moderate earthquake shook the San Francisco Bay area Monday night, rattling fans at an NHL playoff game in San Jose, and a Giants baseball game in San Francisco.

Here in California, the fans are so used to these events that they didn't miss a beat – they ignored the games just like always.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:32 am UTC

Baseball star Jose Canseco announced his retirement on Monday.

He certainly scored many times over the years … and that was just with Madonna.

Canseco was born in Cuba.

Jimmy Carter plans to visit him soon.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:43 am UTC

Singer Dionne Warwick was arrested at Miami International Airport for allegedly carrying 11 suspected marijuana cigarettes inside an empty lipstick container.

The good news for her is that MTV is now interested in creating a new reality show called “The Warwicks.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:26 am UTC

Cuban President Fidel Castro welcomed former U.S. President Jimmy Carter to Havana on Sunday.

Of course, Carter will only be allowed to leave once he's built them a few houses.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:25 am UTC

Former Vice President Dan Quayle on Thursday praised “The Osbournes,” saying that “there are some very good lessons there that are being transmitted, of not doing drugs, of not doing alcohol.”

What's he talking about? Ozzy Osbourne did LOTS of drugs and alcohol and now he's making millions of dollars starring in the biggest show on television.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:33 am UTC

Former President Clinton said it's unlikely he'll start a new career as a television talk show host but admitted the idea had some appeal. 

Of course, any job that involves sitting behind a desk has an appeal for Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:40 am UTC

A 51-year-old German woman is going to stand trial for stalking Richard Gere.

That must be pretty scary to be stalked. But, hey, it could be a lot worse; he could have Calista Flockhart stalking him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:02 am UTC

Ozzy Osbourne and his family have signed a book deal worth $3 million to write a family memoir.

At last! We'll finally be able to understand what Ozzy's been saying!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:49 am UTC

An Irish priest who has repeatedly stated he does not believe Jesus Christ was the son of God has resigned from the Church of Ireland. 

How did this guy get hired in the first place? Wouldn't that be one of the first questions you'd ask when you're interviewing a priest?

Maybe the Catholic Church will hire him; they're obviously not too picky about who they hire.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:34 pm UTC

A new study shows that breast feeding increases intelligence.

This is all that women need, right ladies? One more excuse for their husbands to get sex: “Honey, I've got a big meeting tomorrow..”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:50 pm UTC

The June issue of Vanity Fair magazine has dubbed Chelsea Clinton “the new J.F.K. Jr.”

There are certainly some striking similarities between Chelsea Clinton and J.F.K. Jr., like each of their fathers had to deal with a missile crisis.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:56 pm UTC

A judge has ordered Penthouse magazine to temporarily stop distributing the June issue to newsstands, saying topless pictures supposedly of tennis player Anna Kournikova were obviously not of her.

Economists are worried how this decision will affect the hand cream industry.

He ruled after hearing arguments, reading the lawsuit and studying the photographs. 

The judge said that he would need more time – a LOT more time – to study the photos before coming to a final decision.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:35 pm UTC

A new study shows that drinking at least two cups of tea a day may dramatically reduce a person's chances of dying following a heart attack.

The researchers warned, however, that a more rigorous study was needed before the effects could be confirmed. So, the effects are currently being tested on Dick Cheney.

Researchers said there's good reason to believe it's the flavonoids that are protecting the heart.

Flavonoid? I though that was the name of the weird guy living at Ozzy Osbourne's house?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:06 am UTC

MTV is going to pay over $20 million for two more seasons of “The Osbournes,” the largest amount ever paid for a cable TV show.

Not including the amount Fox News spent to buy Greta Van Sustern's a new face.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 2, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:53 pm UTC

The Rolling Stones plan to announce a new tour next week by arriving in New York on a blimp.

That's appropriate since I think blimps were the only form of air travel back when the band first toured.

By the way, is it really a good idea to let Keith Richards anywhere near large amounts of flammable material?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 2, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:50 am UTC

Former President Bill Clinton has met with NBC executives in Los Angeles to discuss hosting his own talk show. 

That'd be the perfect job for him. What better way to meet trailer park women?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:31 pm UTC

Eleven high school-age pages in the House of Representatives were dismissed this week after they were caught with marijuana in their Capitol Hill dormitory.

I'm sure these kids won't have any problem finding news jobs. After all, the Catholic church is always looking to get their hands on a few good boys.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:34 am UTC

The federal Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is going to allow airline passengers to once again bring items like tweezers and nail files in carry-on luggage.

The airlines are still going to be quite strict about where you put these items; they'll have to fit under the seat in front of you, in the overhead compartment – or in your shoe.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:37 am UTC

Angry parents demanded the resignation of a California high school vice principal who lifted the skirts of teenage girls at a dance to see if they were wearing thong underwear.

Now I understand why everybody says Bill Clinton should go into academics.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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