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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:10 pm UTC

A federal appeals court declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional Wednesday saying the words “under God” violated the separation of church and state.

President Bush criticized the decision saying it would be physically impossible for a church not to be in a state.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:14 am UTC

R&B singer R. Kelly was in court on Wednesday to enter of plea of not guilty to 21 charges of child pornography.

And one count of impersonating a priest.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:52 am UTC

Federal prosecutors have widened their probe of Martha Stewart to include possible obstruction of justice and making false statements.

Martha's celebrity friends are really rallying around her. They've even set up a legal defense fund, where people can help cover her legal bills by donating insider information.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:18 pm UTC

Journalist Geraldo Rivera is returning to the United States from covering the war in Afghanistan.

Geraldo is coming back home alive? I'd say that's another sign that we're losing the war on terrorism.

I knew these Al Qaeda guys hate us but lobbing Geraldo back at us is pretty mean.

He's going to work as an investigative reporter for a new show on Fox called “The Pulse”.

His first assignment will be to find one in Al Gore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:10 pm UTC

Martha Stewart has lost more than a quarter of her net worth since she became linked to an insider trading scandal.

In light of this, Kmart has devised a new advertising campaign around her: “Hi, I'm Martha Stewart and I'm no longer just a spokeswoman for Kmart – I'm also a customer!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:08 pm UTC

Playboy magazine auctioned off 500 paintings, photos and cartoons from its archives Sunday.

The top bidder wished to remain anonymous, only going by the name “Bill from Chappaqua”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:12 am UTC

Two astronomers at Johns Hopkins University have determined that the color of the universe is a milky brown, calling it “Cosmic Latte”.

President Bush lauded this discovery as the most significant scientific discovery since they figured out that the moon was made of cheese.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:35 am UTC

Advice columnist Ann Landers died Saturday at the age of 83.

Millions of people around the country observed a moment of silence in her honor on Monday – then went right back to cheating on their spouses.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:39 pm UTC

An asteroid the size of a football field passed extremely close to Earth last week but it remained undetected until days later, astronomers said Thursday.

How could we not notice something that big coming at us? Who trained these astronomers, the FBI?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:46 am UTC

The Secret Service briefly evacuated the White House on Wednesday evening after being informed there was a single-engine Cessna in restricted airspace above Washington.

They say that President Bush was never in any real danger – until he returned to the White House and opened a bag of pretzels for an evening snack.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:08 pm UTC

Vanna White of television's “Wheel of Fortune” is getting a divorce from her husband of 11 years.

At first her husband didn't understand why she wanted a divorce; she had to spell it out for him.

They've already worked out an equitable divorce settlement. She gets the vowels, he gets the consonants.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:30 pm UTC

A judge in Ohio has sentenced a man who ran away from police to run in a five-mile race instead of serving jail time saying, “since he likes to run from police, I'm going to give him a chance to run away as hard as he can.”

Good thing for the people in Denver this judge can't get the case of the woman who started the wildfires in Colorado otherwise they'd be done.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:43 pm UTC

Singer Billy Joel has checked himself into a substance abuse and psychiatric hospital for a “personal problem,” his record label said Wednesday.

I think we all knew he was having some mental problems when he decided to tour with Elton John.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:03 am UTC

An assistant principal in San Diego who lifted girls' skirts to make sure they weren't wearing thongs to a high school dance has been demoted reassigned to a teaching position, the school board decided Monday.

This doesn't seem like a great idea to me. Aren't there already enough teachers getting into students' pants these days?

How is that punishment for this person? Wouldn't that have been like punishing Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky mess by demoting him to head of the White House intern pool?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:56 pm UTC

NBC already has plans for a replacement for its top comedy “Friends;” a new show called “Coupling,” a frank and funny account of love and lust among a group of thirtysomethings.

It's about a bunch of Catholic priests just out of the seminary.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:51 pm UTC

Professional wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has been accused of beating his wife.

Austin defended himself by saying he didn't actually mean to hurt her; he's beaten up lots of people before and nobody had ever actually been injured.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:09 am UTC

A man in Rhode Island was arrested for allegedly licking the feet of two female shoppers at a supermaket.

For the love of god, will somebody please give Bill Clinton a job?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:53 pm UTC

According to a new book, Ozzy Osbourne tried to hang himself when he was 14 years old by making a noose out of his mother's clothes-line and jumping from a chair.

Gee, you'd never be able to tell he had the oxygen flow to his brain cut off as a child.

Well, he's clearly come a long way. He could never stand on a chair these days, let alone tie a knot.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:20 pm UTC

Shares of Martha Stewart's namesake company tumbled toward their lowest levels of the year Friday afternoon as investors grew more jittery over her links to troubled ImClone Systems.

Once again showing her uncanny ability to turn a negative into a positive, on her next show Martha will show how those worthless shares can be made into lovely doilies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:25 am UTC

A substitute teacher in New York was arrested on Thursday for allegedly attacking 19 of his first-grade pupils with a broom handle.

It's pretty clear this guy wasn't a regular teacher. Otherwise, he'd never chase kids with a broom handle; he'd be trying to have sex with them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:56 am UTC

The Los Angeles Lakers easily won their third consecutive NBA title Wednesday night with a 113-107 victory over the New Jersey Nets, sweeping the finals in four games.

Those forests in Colorado put up a better fight than the Nets did.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:04 am UTC

Roman Catholic bishops are meeting in Dallas this week to discuss their policy on sexually abusive priests.

Dallas was an easy choice for a location, once they heard it was home of the “Cowboys”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:11 pm UTC

A couple who say they were surprised by a fake corpse in their hotel room as part of a hidden-camera prank for a reality TV show called “Harassment” are suing MTV.

Shouldn't MTV pretty much expect to get sued over a show called “Harassment”? What's next, a show called “Libel”?

I know the perfect host for this show – Bill Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:26 am UTC

London newspapers reported Sunday that Queen Elizabeth will knight Mick Jagger next weekend.

I guess the queen figured that compared to her own family, Mick really isn't all that embarrassing to Britain.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:44 pm UTC

The makers of the SAT college entrance exam are considering adding a handwritten essay to the test.

I have one question: since nobody knows how to read anymore in this country, who's going to grade the essays?

President Bush came out in strong support of this idea, once Dick Cheney explained to him that he'd be grandfathered in and wouldn't actually have to take the test.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:19 am UTC

Paul McCartney is reportedly going to marry fiance Heather Mills soon, although the former Beatle has refused to name the time and place, keeping fans and reporters guessing.

Well, fans, reporters and Ringo.

The New York Post is reporting that McCartney, 59, and Mills, 34, are going to get married at a castle in Ireland that has no telephones, televisions or clocks.

I guess Paul wanted to show her what life was like when he was a child.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:09 pm UTC

President Bush called on Congress to set up a Cabinet-level homeland defense agency Thursday, which would consolidate duties now spread across nine federal departments.

By consolidating all of these government departments, it'll be a lot easier for them to keep their stories straight the next time they screw up.

The new department would also include a central clearinghouse for analyzing intelligence information.

This way, they'll be able to ignore critical intelligence information in a much more efficient manner.

Isn't there something ironic about George Bush overseeing anything that involves “intelligence”?

I don't see the need for this new department. Don't we already have a government agency that's pretty good at cracking down on people who behave suspiciously – the IRS?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:55 am UTC

The Osbournes have signed a deal to license their names and images for more than 300 products like on sleepwear and backpacks.

I know one person who can't wait to get her hands on that merchandise – Winona Ryder.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:46 pm UTC

The state of Florida dropped a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against singer Dionne Warwick on Wednesday.

You know what that means? Party at Whitney Houston's house!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:37 am UTC

The United States men's soccer team upset Portugal 3-2 in its World Cup opener.

The team dedicated the win to their hard core fans. In fact, they scored one goal for each of them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:44 am UTC

63 year old daredevil Evel Knievel is planning to come out of retirement to make one final jump next spring.

This jump is going to be a little tamer than what used to do when he was younger. For instance, rather than buses, he's going to jump 15 “Larks.”

This is a can't miss proposition for him. Even if he can't do the jump, he can still get a job as a spokesman for the “I've fallen and I can't get up!” people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:04 am UTC

Swimmers are being warned to stay away from a “sexually aggressive” dolphin that has made its home at a popular tourist resort on the English south coast.

Authorities are warning swimmers to use the same caution they would, for example, around a Catholic priest.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:07 pm UTC

Actress Winona Ryder was injured yesterday on her way to court amid a crush of television cameras and reporters.

Did you see the video of her trying to fight through that crowd? She looked like one of the Sacramento Kings trying to drive to the hoop the other night against the Lakers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 am UTC

There was more finger-pointing and blaming on Sunday television yesterday.

But enough about the Sacramento Kings…

The Kings couldn't put a point on the board in the final two minutes of overtime, losing Game 7 of the NBA Western Conference finals to the Los Angeles Lakers, 112-106.

The Kings shooting was so bad last night they couldn't have hit the broad side of a chauffeur.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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