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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:24 am UTC

After a 420-1 vote Wednesday night, congressman James Trafficant became only the second member of Congress since the Civil War to be kicked out of the House of Representatives.

He's also the first elected government official to be kicked out of the house since Bill Clinton was president.

The one member to vote against expulsion was California congressman Gary Condit.

Condit defended his vote by saying “It wasn't like he killed somebody or anything.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:26 am UTC

A new study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that women who live with their boyfriends before getting married are more likely to get divorced than those who don't.

Particularly if that boyfriend is Billy Bob Thornton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:17 pm UTC

French actor Gerard Depardieu said in a recent interview that he prefers making films that have no sex.

So do his female costars.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:24 am UTC

Erica Pratt, the 7-year-old girl abducted from a southwest Philadelphia street Monday, freed herself by chewing through the duct tape that bound her and breaking through a screened window to call for help, police said.

Once she was out on the street, she was able to quickly get the police's attention by screaming “Help! Allen Iverson just kicked me out of his house!”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:05 am UTC

Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson said on Tuesday night she would take time away from her career to get injections of powerful antiviral drugs for her hepatitis C.

Isn't her whole career BASED on getting injections?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:06 am UTC

The Rev. Al Sharpton has criticized a 19-year-old FBI surveillance tape of him discussing a drug deal, claiming the recording is part of a campaign to smear his name.

After the Tawana Brawly hoax, if there's one person who knows about “smear” campaigns, it's Al Sharpton.

The tape was recorded as part of a government investigation into whether boxing promoter Don King had ties with organized crime.

Investigating whether Don King has ties with organized crime sounds about as challenging as investigating whether Osama bin Laden has any ties with terrorist organizations.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:47 am UTC

A California judge dismissed drug charges against actor Robert Downey Jr. and ended his probation on Friday.

You know what that means? PARTY AT ROBERT DOWNEY JR.'S PLACE!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:35 pm UTC

Federal health officials announced Friday the recall of 18.6 million pounds of potentially contaminated ground beef blamed for 19 cases of illness in three states.

This recall doesn't affect MacDonalds, since they don't use any beef in their hamburgers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:41 am UTC

Harold Shipman, a doctor in Britain who was convicted of the murders of 15 women in January 2000, has also been found responsible for the deaths of another 200 people by a public inquiry.

See, this is a perfect example of why health care is actually much better here in the United States. In this country, half of those people wouldn't have gone to the doctor in the first place since they wouldn't even HAVE health care.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:51 am UTC

The FBI's top counterterrorism official said Wednesday he believes al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is probably dead.

Well, gee, if the FBI says bin Laden is dead then you know what that means – he's probably living in Washington D.C. under his real name.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:06 am UTC

Teen idol Lance Bass, a member of the boy-band *NSYNC, has apparently forged a deal that would allow him to travel to the international space station at the end of October.

How is it that we can put a boy-band member into space but we can't achieve peace in the middle east?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:52 am UTC

Historians said Tuesday that they have found an 1814 indictment of Zachary Taylor, who went on to become the 12th president, on charges of assault and battery.

Apparently, he threw his naked wife out into the street.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:45 am UTC

Iraqi president Saddam Hussein celebrated his 34th anniversary in power by saying that the U.S. and its allies would never be able to bring his government down.

President Bush said that the joke's on Hussein since the CIA has secretly invested his 401k in WorldComm stock.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:16 pm UTC

Officials in charge of rebuilding the World Trade Center site unveiled six preliminary plans for redevelopment on Tuesday.

The least popular of the six plans was the one whereby the site would be rebuilt by New Jersey on “Trading Spaces”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:20 am UTC

Singer Liza Minnelli and her husband are in talks to star in a weekly reality show about her life, sinilar to “The Osbournes”.

If I were her, I be worried that my show would be a bit too much like “The Osbournes” – a show about a long haired, drug addled, washed up singer with an effeminate spouse.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:18 am UTC

NBA star Allen Iverson surrendered to authorities at sunrise Tuesday on assault charges, which could carry more than 50 years in prison

Unless he admits to being a Taliban warrior, then he'll only serve 20.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:42 am UTC

Playboy magazine, which scored a hit with its “Women of Enron” pictorial in the current issue, wants women from troubled telecom WorldCom Inc. and embattled accounting firm Arthur Andersen to pose for future issues.

Aren't we just encouraging more CEO's of high profile companies to lie about their financials so they can see their female employees naked?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:40 am UTC

Republican lawmakers are worried about plans to introduce an HIV-positive Muppet to the “Sesame Street” gang, Hollywood trade paper Daily Variety reported in its Monday edition.

They don't want to the president being exposed to such things.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:41 am UTC

London tabloids are reporting that Prince Harry, second son of heir-to-the-throne Prince Charles, consumed six bottles of a vodka-based drink at a Polo Club bash.

He's a 17 year old kid and they're making him go to a POLO CLUB, for crying out loud. It's a wonder he is isn't drinking more!

Harry's actions are not illegal.

No, but they are pretty pretentious.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:53 pm UTC

The producers of Sesame Street in South Africa will soon introduce the first HIV-positive Muppet character to the show, and hope to soon introduce a similar character to U.S. viewers.

That seems pretty appropriate to me, what with all the sex kids have with their teachers these days.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:59 am UTC

Canadian TV plans to broadcast the uncensored version of “The Osbournes.”

What's the big deal? Who can ever understand what Ozzy says anyways?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:46 am UTC

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has said there is no evidence to prove his country is behind any acts of terrorism.

Isn't that about the same as Bill Clinton saying he didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky?

Speaking on Wednesday, he said Libya was at the forefront of the battle against terrorists.

Turns out his 401k had lots of WorldComm stock, too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:26 pm UTC

Scientists in Africa have found a 7 million year-old fossil which appears to be an early ancestor of human beings.

The fossil is so well preserved, the scientists call it Ted Williams.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:19 am UTC

The sellout crowd loudly chanted “Let them play!” and “Refund!” Tuesday night at the baseball All-Star Game, after the game was declared a 7-7 tie after 11 innings because both teams ran out of pitchers.

The crowd was so mad that the whole event started to look like a WorldCom stockholders meeting.

In fact, it got so bad that the fans started chucking their souvenir Ted Williams popsicles onto the field

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:40 pm UTC

Musician Eddie Van Halen and his actress-wife of 21 years, Valerie Bertinelli, separated several months ago but have no plans at the moment to seek a divorce.

They're just going to take it one day at a time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:18 pm UTC

Sharon Osbourne, the wife and manager of Ozzy Osbourne, is “in good spirits and doing well” after undergoing colon cancer surgery last week.

Of course she's in good spirits and doing well – she's away from Ozzy.

Details about her whereabouts and medical status were unknown.

Reporters have vowed to ask somebody other than Ozzy for information next time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:41 am UTC

Former “Baywatch” star David Hasselhoff has checked himself into The Betty Ford Center for treatment of alcoholism.

His friends first realized he had a serious drinking problem when he actually thought it was believable that the “Baywatch” women would ever hang out with a guy like him

Hasselhoff was pretty excited when he signed in to the Betty Ford center because it was the first time in a long time that anybody has wanted him to sign his name.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:07 pm UTC

The Major League Baseball players' union decided on Monday not to set a strike date.

I guess in the wake of Ted Williams' death, cooler heads prevailed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:38 pm UTC

Six people were injured during the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain on Sunday.

Town officials said they were concerned about the number of casualties and hope that next year there'll be a lot more.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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