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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
August 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:31 pm UTC

President Bush will seek congressional approval before striking Iraq, administration officials said Thursday.

Actually, he's first got to get approval from “Uncle Dick”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 28, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:45 pm UTC

Baylor University has suspended one of its fraternities for a year after a picture of some members — fully clothed — appeared in Playboy magazine.

Baylor is a Baptist school, see, so this isn't surprising. Now, if these students had been from, say, Florida State then they probably would've been suspended for not appearing naked.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 28, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:46 pm UTC

U.S. intelligence officials said on Wednesday that al Qaeda leaders could be hiding in Iran or Iraq.

They also said they think that Germany has reunited and the Soviet Union has broken up but they're not sure just yet.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:51 pm UTC

A “suspicious white powder” was found in an envelope opened Tuesday at former Vice President Al Gore's office in Tennessee.

Turns out it was just laundry detergent – which is explains why people in Tennessee didn't know what it was.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:06 am UTC

More than 70,000 people in Australia identified their religion as “Jedi” during last year's national census.

Australian census officials came to the conclusion that, based on this, on any given Saturday night in Australia, there are at least 70,000 guys without dates.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:02 am UTC

The Transportation Security Administration has confirmed that dozens of screeners inspecting baggage at Norfolk International Airport in Virginia were not trained to do the job.

They weren't shown how to properly sweep the carry-on baggage of America West pilots for hidden flasks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:33 am UTC

Accused murder Robert Blake said in a recent interview that he would return someday to the acting profession.

Sure, like when he's on the stand during his trial.

Blake told Larry King that he was in “infantry mode.”

Note to Robert Blake: If you're facing murder charges, it's probably best to not describe yourself as being in “infantry mode”.

Blake also said “My glass is three-quarters full.”

The only glass near Robert Blake that's three-quarters full is the one where he puts his teeth each night.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:57 pm UTC

A new study suggests that caffeine can lower the risk of skin cancer in laboratory mice.

It's also been found to make them a lot less edgy first thing in the morning.

The study found that when a skin lotion spiked with caffeine was rubbed all over hairless mice exposed to brutal levels of ultraviolet radiation, it reduced the number of cancer tumors on the skin.

Aren't there more pressing things for scientists to be doing than figuring out how to reduce skin cancer in hairless mice? How about not exposing them to brutal levels of ultraviolet radiation?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:24 am UTC

A Pennsylvania man has been arrested and charged with the attempted murder of a friend who gave him a “wedgie” last year.

I'd really hate to be on that jury. Who's going to want to examine “Exhibit A”?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:24 pm UTC

A team from Louisville, Ky., beat a team from Japan, 1-0 on Sunday night to win the Little League World Series.

Did you see the size of that starting pitcher for Louisville? Forget the major leagues, they need to start steroid testing in Little League!

It's a good thing the final was on the weekend; that kid probably had to be back on the loading dock at work on Monday morning.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:10 am UTC

In an effort to make air travel less onerous, the Transportation Security Administration is going to allow passengers to take drinks through security checkpoints.

America West pilots will still have to buy theirs from the onboard drink cart.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:52 pm UTC

Ohio prosecutors have decided to reduce the charges against Eve Hibbits, the Ohio woman who arrested last week after allowing her three children to become severely sunburned while spending a day at the county fair, from a felony to a misdemeanor.

She still faces felony charges for making the kids go to a county fair I the first place.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:14 am UTC

Japanese scientists are planning to try and clone a wooly mammoth by using its sperm to impregnate the mammoth's closet genetic relative.

They're gonna knock up Anna Nicole Smith?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:19 am UTC

President Bush has summoned top military advisers to his ranch for a big-picture discussion of defense policy and budgeting.

It's really more like a “big-picture with primary-colors and simple shapes” discussion.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:35 am UTC

Bill Clinton is supposedly considering hosting a daytime talk show on CBS.

Is it any coincidence that one day after CBS announces it has cast porno actors for “Survivor” that Clinton now wants to be on CBS?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:58 am UTC

CBS is being criticized for casting a porn actor on the upcoming Thailand edition of “Survivor.”

What's the big deal? It's not like he was a Catholic Priest or anything.

Reality series in general avoid casting actors, lest they appear less than “real.”

Is there any better place to find people who can't act than on the set of porn movies?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:58 pm UTC

U.S. officials said on Monday that the Bush administration in recent weeks considered a covert attack on a suspected al Qaeda chemical weapons test facility in northern Iraq.

Administration officials called off the attack after they couldn't get the President to understand what “covert” meant.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:43 am UTC

Kmart has announced that it will eliminate nearly 700 more jobs in another round of cost-cutting.

You'd think that a company so closely associated with Martha Stewaty would've seen this coming.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:48 pm UTC

CNN has obtained a large archive of al Qaeda videotapes in Afghanistan.

The tapes are particularly incriminating; not a single one was rewound.

The tapes reveal terrorist training tactics and as well as previously unseen images of Osama bin Laden.

They're topless photos of bin Laden that were taken when he was just getting started.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:23 pm UTC

Major League Baseball players set a strike date for Aug. 30 today.

When the Tampa Bay Devil Rays heard the news, they said “You mean THIS August? We thought the strike started last August!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:29 am UTC

NASA lost contact with a $159 million spacecraft early Thursday, when the robotic probe was to have left Earth orbit on a journey to explore several comets.

If NASA were a private company this wouldn't be a problem; they cold just hire Arthur Andersen to do their accounting and this would show up as a big profit.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:41 am UTC

The movement of trucks and missiles inside Iraq has U.S. officials wondering if the nation is preparing for a U.S. military action.

It wasn't too hard for the Iraqis to figure out that we're preparing for war; they knew something was up when Martha Stewart started buying up shares of Exxon and Lockheed Martin.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:33 pm UTC

Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon are going to take in a boy who recently lost his mother to colon cancer and make him a part of their hit show “The Osbournes.”

Ozzy will treat him just like any of his other kids – he won't have any idea who he is.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:56 am UTC

Cuban President Fidel Castro turned 76 on Tuesday.

With that many candles, his birthday cake probably gave off more light than the whole city of Havana these days.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:11 pm UTC

Ed Headrick, the inventor of the Frisbee, has died. His family said his ashes will be made into Frisbees.

It's a good thing he didn't invent Twinkies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:56 am UTC

American Airlines said Tuesday it would cut 7,000 jobs by next March.

Things are really getting bad for the airline employees. America West Airlines is even considering charging the pilots for their in-flight drinks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:19 am UTC

India has announced plans to send an unmanned probe to the moon within five years.

The United Nations is a little concerned about their plans to jettison the nuclear powered rocket boosters over Pakistan.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:58 pm UTC

Actor Jason Priestley, who broke his back in a weekend racing car accident, was able to speak his name on Monday but still suffers from memory loss.

He's still having trouble remembering when he last had an acting job, but nobody else can remember that either.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:33 am UTC

Scientists are issuing warnings about a large cloud of pollution over South Asia, which is blocking out the sunlight that reaches the ground by 10 to 15 percent.

Just to put this in perspcective, this cloud blocks out almost as much sunlight as Anna Nicole Smith.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:30 am UTC

US Airways filed for bankruptcy Sunday but says it will continue to operate.

That's the good news. The bad news is that the only flight school graduates they can afford to hire are a bunch of guys who didn't learn how to take off or land.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:02 am UTC

Former “Beverly Hills 90210″ star Jason Priestley broke his back on Sunday after his race car crashed head-on into a wall at nearly 180 mph.

It was the worst celebrity wreck on TV since The Anna Nicole Smith Show hit the air.

Priestley's doctors are keeping him heavily sedated.

They're showing him a constant stream of “90210″ reruns.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:10 am UTC

WorldCom Inc. said Thursday it discovered another $3.3 billion in accounting irregularities on top of the $3.8 billion it announced in June

It was in Anna Nicole Smith's cleavage.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:34 pm UTC

20-year-old pop star Britney Spears is taking a six month break, her publicist Thursday.

That's not so unusual; most 20 year olds take 6 months or more off – it's called “senior year”.

Wow. Can you believe that Britney Spears is already 20 years old? You know what that means? Next year she'll be 21, or, as they say in Hollywood – “Betty Ford Legal”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:51 am UTC

Ten donors on a behind-the-scenes tour at a New Orleans aquarium plunged into a shark tank after a platform collapsed. No one was seriously injured, officials said.

Luckily, the sharks weren't hungry – because they'd already been fed a bunch of NON-donating patrons.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:26 am UTC

Baseball players have agreed to be tested for illegal steroids starting next year.

The testing procedure will be non-invasive; anybody bigger than Anna Nicole Smith will be assumed to be on steroids.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:19 am UTC

Spirit Airlines has announced that passengers will get to fly for free on September 11.

That's the good news. The bad news is that the pilots will get to drink for free.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:23 am UTC

New York police have recovered $3.7 million in stolen Versace jewelry which they found hidden inside a cheap, ratty green recliner in a Manhattan storage room.

That poor thief; his recliner was full of valuable jewlery and his wife STILL made him get it out of the house.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:33 am UTC

In one of the largest fraud cases resulting from the terrorist attacks, thousands of municipal workers in New York were able to repeatedly withdraw up to $500 a day from their credit union's ATMs whose computer security system was damaged on Sept. 11.

Who says government workers are lazy?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 5, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:41 am UTC

An asteroid about a half mile across will soon pass close enough to Earth to observe with a small telescope or binoculars, astronomers said.

Just to put this in perspective, the asteroid will be the largest thing people can easily see from the comfort of their own homes, other than Anna Nicole Smith.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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