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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
September 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:57 pm UTC

The Hart Senate Office Building in Washington, D.C. was closed on Monday after a piece of paper with the word “smallpox” written on it was found.

Luckily, the paper was found on a day when there weren't any Senators in the building – Monday.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:50 pm UTC

A 21-year-old Bulgarian national was arrested Sunday at the Atlantic City International Airport in New Jersey after security screeners discovered box cutters hidden in a box containing hand lotion.

The screeners immediately became suspicious when they saw a young guy with lots of hand lotion but no porno magazines.

The screeners also found a pair of scissors embedded in a bar of soap.

How was he planning to do to get the scissors out, wash his hands until the soap dissolved? Have you ever tried to wash your hands in one of those airplane sinks? It'd take DAYS to get that much water out of one of those things.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:44 am UTC

Minnesota Vikings receiver Randy Moss was released from jail yesterday, charged only with two misdemeanors instead of a possible felony for allegedly pushing a traffic officer a half-block with his car, and will start on Sunday.

I'm not sure what's worse – going to jail or playing for the Vikings on Sunday.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:12 pm UTC

The Museum of Sex will open this Saturday in New York City.

They found a great spot for the museum – in a wing of St. Patrick's Cathedral.

Hey, finally Bill Clinton will actually have something to do in New York!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:17 am UTC

Drug enforcement officers in Colorado say that the recent drought has significantly reduced the marijuana crop this year.

Ahhh, so THAT'S why the Mets sucked this season.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:41 am UTC

The U.S. Navy rescued a man who spent the past three and a half months adrift at sea and survived by eating fish he caught and drinking rainwater collected in a bucket.

U.S. officials said that by catching enough fish and collecting enough rainwater to support himself for three months, he was one of the strongest performing sectors of the economy in the third quarter.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:22 am UTC

San Diego police have arrested two men who paid street people to fight each other as part of the Internet video sensation “Bumfights”.

When I first read that they'd arrested the guys who were paying bums to fight each other on TV, I thought “Hey! They finally got Don King!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:50 pm UTC

Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss was arrested Tuesday evening by Minneapolis police for pushing a city traffic agent a half-block with his car.

This was big news in Minnesota. He's the first Viking to push somebody around all season.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:43 pm UTC

President Bush approved the lowering the government's assessment of terrorist threats down to “elevated” from “high” on Tuesday.

Is it just me, or does this status seem to be based on Dick Cheney's blood pressure?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:17 am UTC

AOL Time Warner and Walt Disney Co. have held talks about merging their CNN and ABC News divisions into “a stand-alone news powerhouse,” the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday.

Hmmm. Larry King and Barbara Walters at the same network? I'm betting they'll peck each other to death.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:01 pm UTC

Oxana Fedorova said Monday that she quit her role as Miss Universe after just four months on the job because “the duties really interfered with my education.”

Interfered with her education? Apparently, she's not only a world-class beauty, she's also a pretty funny comedian!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:43 am UTC

Erika Harold, a 22-year-old Harvard-bound law student from Illinois, was crowned Miss America 2003 on Saturday.

I'll bet she really can't wait to get to Harvard and start working on Alan Dershowitz's “legal” briefs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:56 am UTC

Seven men who bared all in Toronto's Gay Pride Parade have been cleared of public nudity charges because they were wearing shoes, their lawyer said Thursday.

We live in a pretty strange world. You can walk down the street naked so long as you're wearing shoes, but GOD FORBID you try walk into a 7-11 in bare feet.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:37 am UTC

Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa was ambushed from behind and attacked by two men who ran out of the seats at Comiskey Park during the Royals game with the Chicago White Sox Thursday night.

That's pretty odd; usually the Royals can see a beating coming a mile away.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Hours after a suicide bomber killed five people in Tel Aviv on Thursday, Israeli troops entered Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat's compound after shelling it and opening fire with machine guns.

Why are they wasting all that ammo? By this point I would think that the Israeli army has its own key to the place.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:34 am UTC

A Congressional report released on Wednesday said that U.S. intelligence officials had information in 1998 that a group of Arabs planned to fly an explosives-laden airplane into the World Trade Center, but the FAA found the plot “highly unlikely.”

The FAA thought it was pretty unlikely because most of those young Arab guys in U.S. flight schools couldn't even take off or land.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:46 am UTC

Former talk show host Rosie O'Donnell abruptly quit her namesake magazine Wednesday, citing a deteriorating relationship with the magazine's publisher.

Now that she no longer has her TV show or magazine, Rosie said she's going to take some time off to kick back and relax – and chase a little skirt!

Actually, she's already got many business proposals to consider, like one to join Janet Reno and form a team for “Junkyard Wars.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:37 am UTC

Tyco International is seeking repayment of unauthorized expenses incurred by former CEO L. Dennis Kozlowski, such as $6,300 for a sewing basket and $445 for a pin cushion.

A sewing basket and a pin cushion? Not only is this guy a liar and a cheat, but apparently he's also a big time sissy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:32 pm UTC

The Los Angeles Cultural Heritage Commission has asked the city council to declare a local trailer park an historic monument, because of its place in the history of the great American road trip dating back to the early 1920s.

If they're making historic monuments out of old things people lie on during road trips, then I think there are a few hookers on Hollywood Boulevard who fit those criteria.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:26 am UTC

The three Muslim Americans who were the focus of a terrorism scare on a Florida interstate last Friday, appeared on “Larry King Live” on Monday night, saying that they want their dignity back.

If you really want your dignity back, why would you go on “Larry King Live”?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:43 am UTC

Philadelphia Eagles players were chased from their bench during Monday night's game with the Washington Redskins in the fourth quarter after police used pepper spray to break up a fight in the stands.

I think the Detroit Lions may have finally found a way to win a game.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:10 pm UTC

A spokesman for Al Gore is shooting down an online report Monday that Gore has decided to run for president in 2004.

Early polls show that a race between George W. Bush and Al Gore would be pretty close, with Bush winning another 5-4 majority decision.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:40 am UTC

Florida gubenatorial candidate Janet Reno gained about 2,500 votes in the Democratic primary, after her campaign asked election officials in Miami-Dade and Broward counties to re-examine ballots cast there in the wake of voting-related problems.

Well, she didn't exactly ASK; technically, she huffed and she puffed and she threatened to blow their election headquarters down.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:49 am UTC

A fast-moving wildfire briefly threatened Los Angeles County on Saturday.

It was pretty scary there for a while. The air was thick with the smell of melting implants.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:44 pm UTC

Former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno refused to concede defeat and demanded a recount after rival Bill McBride declared victory Thursday in the Democratic race for governor of Florida.

Actually, her exact quote was “Me no lose! You count again!”

The aide who broke the news to her said she took it kind of hard. He said she slumped her shoulders, cried a little and then body-slammed him to the floor.

On the bright side, Reno may have lost the race for governor, but she's now been declared Miss North Carolina.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:32 pm UTC

A federal judge Thursday refused to force the Miss America Pageant to recognize Rebekah Revels as Miss North Carolina, the title she gave up to Misty Clymer over topless photos taken by a boyfriend.

Revels is starting to get desperate. Now she's offered to settle the whole thing by challenging Clymer to a “World Peace-Off”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:37 pm UTC

Florida's secretary of state said Thursday that, despite a variety of delays and glitches in the voting process, he doesn't think a recount in the Democratic gubernatorial primary will be needed.

I think there may still be a problem; Bill McBride may be leading Janet Reno, but now he's trailing George W. Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:24 am UTC

Actor Nick Nolte was arrested for driving under the influence Wednesday after his car was seen swerving on a highway near his home and he failed a field sobriety test.

It's understandable that he might have had trouble performing in front of the police; it's been a while since anybody has wanted to see him do anything.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:45 am UTC

The Beverly Hills police department was considering filing charges against Apollo 11 astronaut Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin for punching a filmmaker who wanted him to swear on a Bible that he really did go to the moon

If he doesn't go to jail, he might have a future with the Detroit Lions; they could really use somebody who hits like him.

Did this guy really expect Buzz to admit that he didn't walk on the moon? The man is 72 years old; everybody who has a grandfather knows that he exaggerates his younger days. I'll bet that old Buzz would probably swear that he'd been to Jupiter by now.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:22 am UTC

Florida's first major election since 2000 debacle was marred by mechanical glitches that frustrated voters and prompted Gov. Bush to order the polls to stay open an extra two hours on Tuesday.

Bush defended the new voting system, saying that, at the time, it seemed like a good idea to put his daughter Noelle in charge of the election reforms.

The voting problems have prompted Janet Reno to consider challenging results that showed her trailing Bill McBride in the Democratic primary race for governor.

Reno talked to advisers about whether to take action such as filing suit, demanding a recount, or just challenging McBride to an arm wrestling contest.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:33 pm UTC

Prosecutors have filed a motion to admit evidence of alleged previous misdeeds by actress Winona Ryder in her upcoming trial on shoplifting charges.

They want to show the jury a screening of “Reality Bites”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:14 pm UTC

The Homeland Security Office raised the nationwide terror state of alert to orange level today.

I think this whole color-coded system is too confusing. Even the president is confused by it. Of course, he's confused by any color that isn't primary.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:45 pm UTC

Gov. Jeb Bush's daughter Noelle was found with what was believed to be crack cocaine at a rehabilitation center, police said Tuesday.

Well, it is that time of year, when the leaves start falling off the trees and the Bush daughters start falling off the wagon.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:23 pm UTC

First Lady Laura Bush says that parents should read to their children on September 11, rather than let them watch replays of the terrorist attacks on television.

She said that she's already picked out several books to read to George that night.

Mrs. Bush made her plea in an interview Friday with Univision, a Spanish-language TV network.

Unfortunately, she made her comments in English, so her message may not be real effective.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:42 pm UTC

The low-budget teen thriller “Swimfan” was the number movie at the box office this past weekend.

The producers of this film are already planning on a sequel that will be even scarier: “Detroit Lions Fan”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:41 am UTC

In memory of last year's terror attacks, Congress held a one-hour long session in New York City today, the first time a congressional session has been held there since 1790.

It's also the first time since 1790 that Congress worked for one hour straight.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:59 am UTC

The United States was knocked out of medal contention at the World Basketball Championships last night, after they lost their second straight game, this time to Yugoslavia 81-78.

After seeing the last couple of games, Saddam Hussein should forget about tanks and guns and just go with straight up man-to-man defense; it's clear the Americans can't get past that.

This was the biggest win by a basketball team that was caught in the middle of a civil war since Shaq and Kobe's Lakers won the NBA title.

I didn't even think Yugoslavia was still a country. Not only are we losing but now we're losing to countries that don't even exist. Who are we going to lose to next? Prussia?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 5, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:16 am UTC

Kelly Clarkson was voted the winner of “American Idol” last night, beating out runner-up Justin Guarini.

Well, I think we can all agree that the better woman won.

Based on what I saw, Justin has a real future as a pop star. Unfortunately, that pop star is Michael Jackson.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:36 pm UTC

Argentina beat the United States. 87-80 in the World Basketball Championships last night, the first loss for a U.S. team in 59 games since the Americans began sending NBA players to international tournaments in 1992.

President Bush said he was disappointed to hear this news, but hoped that this would help to convince congress and the American people that it was finally time to invade Argentina.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:20 pm UTC

President Bush said Wednesday he would “seek approval” from Congress about taking action against Iraq.

Bush said he has no problems asking for approval. After all, he has to get it from Dick Cheney before being excused from cabinet meetings.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 am UTC

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell was booed and heckled by environmentalists while giving a speech at the Earth Summit on Wednesday.

Al Gore really needs to get a job.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:36 am UTC

McDonald's announced on Tuesday that it is cutting the amount of fat in its french fries by 48 percent.

They're hoping that this will entice Jared away from Subway.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:41 am UTC

Russia's space agency has scrapped 'N Sync singer Lance Bass's plans to join an October space mission after the U.S. pop star failed to meet payment deadlines, an agency spokesman said.

They're holding out for the winner of “American Idol.”

I'm surprised that he couldn't raise enough money. I'd think that putting a member of a boy band into space would be one cause EVERYONE would contribute to.

Actually, I think the deal was dead once he announced he planned to sing in space.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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