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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
October 31, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:38 pm UTC

A lawyer for actress Winona Ryder suggested Thursday that a Saks Fifth Avenue theft investigator who's husband is a screenwriter might have framed the actress for shoplifting in hopes they could make money from a story.

This theory is ridiculous. When's the last time somebody made money off of a script involving Winona Ryder?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 31, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 pm UTC

The Fox network is planning a new reality series called “Married by America,” in which viewers will help to arrange marriages for singles that appear on the show.

They've already got plans for a spinoff series, “Divorced by Mexico.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 31, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:20 am UTC

UPN has ordered eight episodes of a new reality show in which contestants compete to become supermodels.

Well, this should make “The Anna Nicole Show” look like “Masterpiece Theater”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 31, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:49 am UTC

Fox TV is developing a weekly reality series that will set people up with arranged marriages called “Married by America.”

This is perfect. Now people can have their marriage arranged on Fox and their divorces arranged on “Jerry Springer”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:44 pm UTC

A new survey finds that sixty-one percent of parents rate themselves as “fair” or “poor” at raising children.

That number should go down soon, now that the new season of “The Osbournes” is about to debut.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:03 pm UTC

The Russian government finally announced what it was they piped into that Moscow theater to put the gunmen who were holding hundreds of hostages to sleep.

The first two episodes of “Girls Club”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:25 am UTC

Jurors in the Winona Ryder shoplifting trial were shown the surveillance video from a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue store on Tuesday, that prosecutors said proves she intended to steal merchandise.

The twelve-person jury was the biggest audience to watch a film starring Winona Ryder in quite some time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 29, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:02 am UTC

A security guard at Saks Fifth Avenue testified on Monday at Winona Ryder's shoplifting trial that the actress claimed she had been instructed to shoplift to prepare for a movie role.

The security guard knew right away this was a lie; she hasn't had a movie role in years.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 28, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:10 pm UTC

Robert Blake's lawyer has resigned from the case because Blake agreed to tape a national television interview with Diane Sawyer.

If I were his lawyer, I wouldn't want him talking to Diane Sawyer either. We all remember what happened the last time he was left alone with an annoying woman.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:48 pm UTC

Former Vice President Walter Mondale is the top choice for Minnesota Democrats to replace Sen. Paul Wellstone on November's ballot.

Poor Al Gore. He even comes in second in a race amongst former Democratic vice-presidents and presidential nominees.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:15 pm UTC

“Jackass: The Movie” was the top grossing movie over the weekend.

A lot of guys went to see this movie. In fact, a lot of guys not only saw “Jackass,” they also heard it all night long for taking their dates to see it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 25, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:15 am UTC

A government task force has released a report saying that the next terrorist strike against the United States could be even worse than the September 11 attacks.

Too late: E! Entertainment Television has already renewed “The Anna Nicole Smith” show.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:20 pm UTC

The federal government ran a $159 billion deficit in the fiscal year just ended, the Bush administration said Thursday.

That's not really surprising; most of that was probably just to cover Dick Cheney's co-payments to his cardiologist.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:59 pm UTC

Authorities have arrested two suspects in the Washington-area sniper case.

Great! Now congressmen can once again pump their own gas.

This is good news and bad news for people in the D.C. area. The good news is that you can now leave your house without fear of being shot. The bad news is that all of you guys in that area have no more excuses not to get off your ass and mow the lawn this weekend.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:58 am UTC

Martha Stewart is being sued for selling pumpkin-carving kits that a Denver-based company says violate its patent.

Now that the police have finally captured the serial sniper and Martha Stewart is slowly being drowned in a mountain of lawsuits and criminal charges, all we have to do is take out Saddam and I think that'll take care of the “Axis of Evil”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:48 am UTC

Nine of the 13 computer servers that manage global Internet traffic were crippled by a powerful electronic attack this week, officials said.

Fortunately, the attack went unnoticed because it didn't happen when most people are surfing the web – during working hours.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC

A 2000 year-old, limestone burial box has been found that may have belonged to James, the younger brother of Jesus, which would make it the oldest archeological record of Jesus of Nazareth.

So, when Jesus died he was buried in a big tomb and then got to rise from the dead and sit at the right hand of God but when James died his remains were put in a small box. I'd say it's also the oldest archeological evidence of a younger sibling getting the shaft.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:01 am UTC

Dozens of Iraqis protested on Tuesday, demanding to know the fate of missing relatives, after President Saddam Hussein released all Iraqi prisoners over the weekend.

Saddam told the protestors if they wanted to know what happened to their loved ones, they should just keep on protesting and they'd find out for sure.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:17 am UTC

Virgin Atlantic airline has given a woman $20,000 for injuries she suffered after being squeezed next to an obese person on a trans-Atlantic flight.

To rub salt in the wound, the obese person also ate her in-flight snack.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:47 pm UTC

The Securities and Exchange Commission plans to recommend filing fraud charges against Martha Stewart.

It has nothing to do with her stock transactions; it's just for being a fraud.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:58 pm UTC

Authorities have found no evidence connecting two men who were taken into custody Monday near Richmond, Virginia to the sniper attacks, law enforcement sources said.

The men turned out to be completely harmless, inoffensive guys – they both play for the Washington Redskins.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:53 pm UTC

In celebration of his recent election victory to remain Iraq's president, Saddam Hussein ordered that all prisoners be released.

See, this really highlights the difference between Iraq and the U.S. In this country, our leader pardons criminals on the way OUT of office.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:58 am UTC

A California woman may be charged with the murder of her husband after she allegedly flew into a rage and bit him repeatedly after he refused to have sex with her.

The thing is some guys would call THAT having sex.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:40 am UTC

A brawl involving 25 children and adults erupted after a football game near Los Angeles last Saturday.

The amazing thing was there wasn't a single shirtless father and son team involved.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:37 pm UTC

Continental Airlines said Thursday it has fired a pilot who was accused of reporting to work drunk.

This is getting scary. I liked it a lot better when airline pilots were just chasing skirt and grabbing stewardess ass on the job.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:56 am UTC

Gov. Jeb Bush was not in the courtroom when his daughter Noelle was sentenced to 10 days in jail on Thursday for violating the terms of her drug treatment program.

That's understandable; if Bush went to court every time she was sentenced to prison, he'd never get any work done.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:25 am UTC

North Korea has revealed to the United States that it has a secret nuclear weapons program, in violation of a 1994 treaty under which it promised to not do so.

You have to forgive the North Koreans; after watching Bill Clinton in action, they thought it was our custom to lie and break promises.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:21 pm UTC

Prosecutors in Coates, Minnesota charged 95 out-of-towners with forgery after they all registered to vote using the address of a strip club in town.

This was the first time somebody swept the “strip club vote” since Bill Clinton was elected president.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:57 am UTC

Saddam Hussein won 100 percent of the vote and another seven-year term as Iraq's president in a referendum on Tuesday.

This election was more rigged than a Martha Stewart stock transaction.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:00 pm UTC

Winona Ryder's trial on shoplifting charges was delayed on Tuesday after the actress failed to show up in court because of what the judge called “an unusual circumstance.”

She had an acting job, which is a pretty “unusual circumstance” for her these days.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:17 am UTC

ImClone Systems founder Sam Waksal has decided to plead guilty to insider trading, which could bring even more heat to Martha Stewart.

Thing are really getting bad for Martha. President Bush is considering asking Congress for the authority to take military action against her.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:08 am UTC

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will be paid $4.3 million to advise Mexico City on how to reduce the crime rate.

This could be tricky since he won't be able to suggest the primary method he used in New York – send all the homeless people to Mexico.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:22 am UTC

Iraq held a presidential referendum on Tuesday on whether to give Saddam Hussein a new seven-year term in office.

This should make George Bush's election in 2000 look downright legitimate.

Iraqi TV was ready to call a winner in the election – several weeks ago.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 15, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:15 am UTC

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Terrell Owens celebrated his game-winning touchdown catch during Monday night's win over the Seattle Seahawks by taking out a pen from his sock, signing his name on the ball, and giving it to a spectator.

Great. That's all we need: athletes selling autographs DURING games.

If these guys just want to shock people, they should do something REALLY radical after scoring a touchdown – like writing a child support check.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 am UTC

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter has won the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm not sure which accomplishment of his is most impressive: getting Israel and Egypt to settle their differences, or getting his brother Billy into a suit for his inauguration.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:19 am UTC

Both the House and the Senate approved a resolution on Thursday granting President Bush broad authority to enforce U.N. resolutions requiring that Iraq give up weapons of mass destruction.

This resolution really points out the difference between Bush and Bill Clinton. Where Bush now has broad authority, Bill Clinton had authority over broads.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:38 am UTC

Iraq has invited the U.S. to “immediately” inspect three sites Washington says it suspects are developing weapons of mass destruction.

Right. Who'd be dumb enough to go over there? I'd sooner pump my own gas in the D.C./Maryland/Virginia area.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:50 pm UTC

Russian television is creating a high-stakes television game show that will send the winner on a mission to the International Space Station.

Maybe we could combine this with the next winner of American Idol and blast the winner of that into space.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:01 pm UTC

Actor Robert Blake, who is charged with murdering his wife, was denied bail by a Los Angeles judge on Wednesday.

He wasn't deemed a flight risk, but he was deemed a “might-act-again” risk.

Blake's attorney also claimed that police or prosecutors had tampered with evidence.

Sure, they tampered with the evidence, if you consider “collecting” and “analyzing” it “tampering”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:10 am UTC

Little League has announced that all managers, coaches and volunteers will be checked against state lists of convicted sex offenders.

They should also include the team chaplains.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:39 am UTC

Authorities in Washington, D.C. are analyzing a tarot card with the message “Dear Policeman: I am God” found near the scene of the latest sniper shooting.

Turns out it the card isn't related to the sniper shootings – Martha Stewart left it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 8, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:57 pm UTC

The Bush administration is set to seek a court order Tuesday afternoon to reopen West Coast ports that have been shut down for almost two weeks due to a labor dispute.

I'm betting that Bush will get what he wants since we all know that he has some friends in high courts... .

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:43 pm UTC

New York State police arrested a man last week who tried to protect his marijuana harvest by surrounding it with beehives.

His plan wasn't a total loss. The bees may not have kept the police out but they sure kept the Mets away.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 2, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:03 am UTC

Douglas Faneuil, an assistant to Martha Stewart's stockbroker, has decided to plead guilty and testify against her in the ImClone Systems scandal

Well, I guess we know one person who won't be getting a hand made, hand lettered, hand embroidered Christmas card from Matha THIS year.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 1, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:27 pm UTC

The former publisher of “Rosie” has filed a lawsuit against Rosie O'Donnell, charging that she radically changed her public persona and helped to scuttle the successful magazine.

Too bad CNN didn't think of that after getting a look at Greta Van Sustern post-surgery.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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