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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
November 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:22 pm UTC

Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage are getting divorced after three months of marriage.

Things are measured a little differently in Los Angeles. There, three months is considered the “Golden Anniversary”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:05 am UTC

Scientists in Hawaii are going to take the last three po`ouli birds known to exist into captivity in a last-ditch effort to get them to reproduce and save the species from extinction.

They're also going to take Michael Jackson into captivity in a last ditch effort to ensure he doesn't reproduce again.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 26, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:20 am UTC

McDonald's will soon accept credit and debit cards for payments, according to a published report.

This sounds like some sort of terrorist plot to kill off Vice President Dick Cheney.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:20 pm UTC

The new James Bond film “Die Another Day” was the number one movie over the weekend, bumping last weekend's top film, “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets,” to No. 2.

The producers of “Harry Potter” are already trying to figure out a way to get a few shots of Halle Berry in a bikini in the DVD version.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:24 pm UTC

Monday is the 21st birthday of President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara.

Or, as they call it at Budweiser – Thanksgiving.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:41 pm UTC

HBO is going to air a documentary next month called “Cathouse” which takes viewers inside a Nevada brothel

Sounds like Bill Clinton is finally getting his own TV show!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:33 pm UTC

German police said on Thursday they would examine whether Michael Jackson committed a crime by dangling his baby from a fourth-floor hotel window in Berlin.

If they don't come up with anything there, they'll consider whether he committed a crime by having children in the first place.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 21, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:24 am UTC

Lawyers in New York have filed a class action lawsuit claiming that McDonald's food is hazardous to children's health.

This is ridiculous. There are a lot of other things that are more hazardous to children's health – like Michael Jackson

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:45 pm UTC

Rap singer and actress Queen Latifah was arrested in Los Angeles on Wednesday for drunk driving.

She told police she was just preparing for an upcoming movie role – she's going to play Nick Nolte.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:33 am UTC

A new survey by the National Geographic Society found that only one in seven of Americans between the age of 18 and 24, the prime age for military service, could find Iraq on a map.

If finding Iraq on a map were a requirement for military service we wouldn't even have a commander-in-chief.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:11 am UTC

The Senate on Tuesday approved a bill that would create a Department of Homeland Security.

President Bush said that this was one bill that he'd be very happy to put his “X” on.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:10 am UTC

Michael Jackson has admitted he made a mistake by dangling his youngest child over a fourth-floor balcony of a Berlin hotel in front of dozens of fans waiting below.

This may sound crazy but ... I'm beginning to think Michael Jackson isn't all there.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:47 pm UTC

A tanker carrying more than 20 million gallons of oil broke in two off northwest Spain and sank Tuesday, taking much of the oil in its tanks down with it and threatening an environmental disaster.

President Bush expressed his deep concern about this incident, saying that it's always tragic when that much oil is lost.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:21 pm UTC

Singer Michael Jackson briefly dangled a barefoot baby over the railing of his fourth-floor hotel window in Berlin on Tuesday.

When I first heard the words “Michael Jackson,” “dangling” and “fourth-floor window” together I got pretty excited, until I read the whole story.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:59 pm UTC

Hollywood star Russell Crowe, reportedly involved in a London restaurant brawl last week, says he has been under a “massive level of stress” and is heading back to Australia.

That may help him to relax, but now the rest of Australia is stressed out.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:37 am UTC

U.N. weapons inspectors have arrived in Baghdad to begin the job of finding and destroying any Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

Saddam's already got an excuse ready if they find some weapons – he was preparing for a movie role.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:02 pm UTC

“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” grossed an estimated $87.7 million in its first three days of release across North America, Warner Bros. Pictures said Sunday.

The Chamber of Secrets – isn't that one of the places those UN weapons people are inspecting there in Iraq?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:23 pm UTC

Michael Jackson called himself a “visionary” during court testimony this week.

If he's so “visionary” how come he never looks in the mirror?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:18 pm UTC

Nine Army translators have been dismissed from the military because they are gay.

Oh well, there goes another possible career for Liza Minelli's husband.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:35 am UTC

The House of Representatives Wednesday passed a bill to create a homeland security agency, and it should be on President Bush's desk by next week.

Which is right where Dick Cheney will pick it up so he can review it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 12:46 pm UTC

Saddam Hussein agreed on Wednesday to a U.N. resolution calling for the return of weapons inspectors to Iraq, overruling a vote by the Iraqi parliament to reject the resolution.

I wonder how Saddam is going to explain himself to the parliament?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:32 am UTC

The U.S. government is trying to determine if the voice on an audiotape broadcast on Arabic television denouncing President Bush is that of Osama bin Laden.

Government officials are pretty sure it's either bin Laden or Barbara Streissand.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:42 am UTC

The Iraqi parliament unanimously voted on Tuesday to reject the U.N. resolution threatening possible military action if Baghdad does not disarm.

The vote was unanimous all right – they all wanted to live, so they voted against the resolution.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:51 am UTC

Nearly 200 people contracted a contagious stomach virus during a Caribbean cruise that ended Monday, Holland America officials said.

Based on the average weight of a cruise ship passenger, that's equivalent to almost 600 people on land.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:00 am UTC

A small plane carrying eight members of a Cuban family landed Monday in Key West, Florida in an apparent bid for asylum by those aboard.

When the plane landed, it was met by representatives of the INS, Customs Service and the New York Yankees.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:42 pm UTC

Iraq's parliament condemned a new U.N. resolution as full of lies and ill intentions during a special session Monday.

And if there's anybody who knows about lies and ill intentions, it's the Iraqi parliament.

They said it sounded like something they've would've written.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:09 pm UTC

Hip-hop star Eminem's new movie “8 Mile” was number one at the box office this past weekend, selling $54.5 million worth of tickets in its first three days.

This movie is such a success that the producers of “Harry Potter” are renaming their upcoming release to try and win over some of the Eminem fans to “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Bitches”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:58 pm UTC

Jennifer Lopez announced during an interview with Diane Sawyer that she is engaged to actor Ben Affleck.

They're still working out some of the details like the wedding date, location and the length of the marriage.

While she's been married twice before, this will be his first failed marriage.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:56 pm UTC

President Bush said Thursday that Vice President Dick Cheney would be his running mate should he decide to seek a second term in 2004.

That's what Dick Cheney told him, at least.

That's first time somebody's used the words “running” and “Dick Cheney” together in the same sentence in quite some time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 7, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:06 am UTC

A New Mexico couple visiting New York City has been hospitalized with bubonic plague, which health officials believe they were exposed to in their home state.

This is highly unusual; usually people LEAVE New York City with a disease.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:55 pm UTC

Oscar-nominated actress Winona Ryder was found guilty of shoplifting charges Wednesday, but prosecutors announced that they would not press for jail time.

She's lucky; she could've been sentenced to real hard time – three years in prison with Martha Stewart.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:11 am UTC

Republicans seized control of both the House and the Senate in the mid-term elections on Tuesday.

You knew the Democrats had thrown in the towel when Barbara Streissand called Arnold Schwarzenegger to concede defeat.

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush was reelected to a second term.

Bush celebrated his victory by firing a rifle into the air and announcing that he would release all Florida prisoners.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 5, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:05 pm UTC

A new study by the National Cancer Institute shows that eating lots of garlic and onions may significantly reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men.

For married men, it also significantly increases their chance of sleeping on the couch that night.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:40 pm UTC

Sharon Osbourne said in an interview on “20/20″ that the upcoming season of “The Osbournes” would be the last because the constant presence of cameras in her home has become intrusive.

She says she really misses being able to urinate into liquor bottles and curse at her children in private.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:54 am UTC

The U.S. Olympic Committee announced that New York City has been selected as the U.S. candidate to host the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.

The New York Olympic Committee has already vowed to not repeat the mistakes of the Salt Lake City organizers; they've got a lot more experience offering bribes and kick backs without getting caught.

New York narrowly beat out San Francisco, California.

I wonder what queered the deal for San Francisco?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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