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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
December 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:11 pm UTC

Claude Vorilhon, the leader of the religious movement behind the company that claims to have created the world's first human clone, said that cloning is a way to reach eternal life.

This is pretty scary, all right. Now “Friends” will NEVER go off the air.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 30, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:00 am UTC

Rep. Charles Rangel, D-New York, said he will introduce a bill in the next session of Congress to make military service mandatory.

This makes sense to me. After all, most kids these days already know how to handle a weapon by the time they're in high school.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 27, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:01 pm UTC

Los Angeles Lakers superstar Shaquille O'Neal married his longtime girlfriend Shaunie Nelson at a secret ceremony on Thursday.

The wedding was like a lot of Lakers games this season – most of the players didn't show up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:46 am UTC

North Korea is warning the United States' that its refusal to negotiate over North Korea's nuclear program could lead to an “uncontrollable catastrophe.”

President Bush responded by saying, “Apparently, they didn't learn their lesson in World War II.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 24, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:41 am UTC

Rap music mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was arrested by Los Angeles police on Monday for a parole violation.

First Trent Lott makes a racist statement, and now a famous rap mogul goes to prison – what's going on here?!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:51 pm UTC

The Rolling Stones announced plans on Monday to play their first free concert since the Altamont show 33 years ago when the Hells Angels stabbed a fan to death.

Things should be a lot calmer this time around. The only injury likely to happen is a broken hip by Mick or Keith.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:21 pm UTC

Senate Republicans elected Sen. Bill Frist of Tennessee to replace Sen. Trent Lott as their new leader Monday.

The Republicans plan to celebrate by holding a large rally in a stadium and hiring Leni Riefenstahl to film it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 23, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:32 am UTC

NBC has agreed to bring back “Friends” for a 10th season next fall.

Next season will also be the third season where Chandler and Monica are married, making it one of the longest lasting marriages in Hollywood.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:44 pm UTC

Deion Sanders is considering coming out of retirement to join the Oakland Raiders for the playoffs.

He's also considering remaining retired and playing for the Cincinati Bengals.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 22, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:42 pm UTC

“The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,” easily topped the North American box office, earning $61.5 million in its first weekend of release.

Now imagine how much money it would've made if all those guys going to see it could actually get dates.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 pm UTC

Sen. Trent Lott announced Friday he was stepping down as Republican leader in the Senate.

Lott said he would step down just as soon as his team of Negro servants cleared out his office.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC

Ted Williams' eldest daughter dropped her challenge Friday to her half siblings' decision to have their father's body permanently frozen.

They came to an agreement where she gets to keep him in her basement freezer on weekends.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:22 am UTC

Secretary of State Colin Powell rejected the weapons declaration Iraq submitted to the U.N. Security Council as “a new lie” on Thursday.

Wow. First the Lakers suck and now this whole situation. Is it just me, or has it been a pretty bad year for people or places whose name ends in 'aq'?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 20, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:30 am UTC

Brian Heidik, a former soft-core porn star, was declared the winner of “Survivor: Thailand” Thursday night on CBS.

Who better than a porn star to win “Survivor”? The whole show is about being naked with strangers and screwing as many people as you can.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:38 pm UTC

A California man has been sentenced to 57 days in jail for trying to smuggle a pair of pygmy monkeys in his pants into Los Angeles Airport.

Is going to prison really punishment for a guy who likes to stuff monkeys down his pants?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 19, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:19 pm UTC

The U.S. ambassador to the United Nations said Thursday that Iraq was in “material breach” of U.N. Security Council Resolution 1441, which calls for Iraq to fully declare its weapons programs and disarm.

“Material breach”? It sounds like we're preparing to attack Iraq with our own weapons of mass destruction – LAWYERS!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:39 pm UTC

Mariah Carey said in an interview on Thursday that despite her well-publicized struggles with stress in recent years, she is not “wacko.”

She just about had me convinced there until she said she thought the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck marriage was “the real thing”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:09 pm UTC

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said on Wednesday that Saddam Hussein has missed his “last chance” to disarm, saying “I assure you, this president does not bluff.”

No doubt. In fact, I'll bet he doesn't even know the meaning of the word “bluff” – literally.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 18, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 1:14 pm UTC

Former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke faces up to 15 months in prison after pleading guilty Wednesday to charges of mail fraud and filing a false tax return.

Just when you think things can't get any worse for old Trent Lott...

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 17, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:39 am UTC

President Bush has decided to deploy a limited missile defense system designed to protect the United States against a ballistic missile attack.

Sounds like somebody went to see “Star-Trek Nemesis” this past weekend!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:07 pm UTC

In his first public statement after his resignation, Boston's Cardinal Bernard Law apologized and begged forgiveness Monday from those who he said had suffered from his mistakes.

He's also planning to apologize on Black Entertainment Television.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 16, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 6:15 am UTC

Former Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore announced on Sunday that he won't be a candidate for president in 2004.

He decided to get out of the race once he saw that the polls indicated he would lose a potential rematch with George W. Bush, 5 Supreme Court votes to 4.

I think Gore is still having a hard admitting that he lost the 200 race. When he made his announcement he said he just didn't want to run for re-election.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 14, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:02 pm UTC

Actor Russell Crowe is engaged to marry his longtime girlfriend Danielle Spencer.

Don King has already signed to promote the bachelor party.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:55 pm UTC

President Bush announced Friday that he will receive the smallpox vaccine.

He'll be taking a special Flintstones chewable version.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 13, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:23 am UTC

Cardinal Bernard Law has resigned as archbishop of the Boston archdiocese in the wake of sex abuse accusations involving children and priests.

On the bright side, he's been offered a job as Bishop of Neverland Ranch.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:30 pm UTC

Sylvester Stallone, 56, has signed to write and star in “Rocky VI,” in which his character will be lured out of retirement for one last fight.

He'll be taking on someone more appropriate for his age – Strom Thurmond.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 12, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:57 am UTC

President Bush plans to announce Friday that he is directing 500,000 members of the U.S. military to receive vaccinations against smallpox.

Bush said the first branch to be vaccinated would be the Salvation Army.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:04 pm UTC

A judge Wednesday granted Paula Poundstone full custody of her adopted children, who have been in state custody since the comedian was arrested last year on child endangerment and lewd conduct charges.

I guess next to Michael Jackson, she looks like the mother of the year.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 11, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:08 pm UTC

Two third grade boys in Florida were arrested and face expulsion after being caught with 15 plastic bags of marijuana at their elementary school.

On the bright side, they've been offered jobs as bat boys for the New York Mets.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:55 pm UTC

A judge has awarded Pam Anderson and her ex-husband, Tommy Lee, $740,000 each in their lawsuit against a porn company over a videotape of them having sex.

If only that money could buy back their good names.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 10, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 3:25 am UTC

A West Virginia man trapped for nearly a week in his car after it plunged into a ravine survived in the freezing cold by burning paper, melting snow for water and eating packets of fast-food sauce, rescuers say.

Why is this news? Isn't that how MOST people in West Virginia survive?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 8:23 pm UTC

More than 100 Hollywood celebrities have written a letter to President Bush urging him to avoid a war with Iraq.

Is that really the best way to get President Bush's attention – make him READ something?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 2:57 pm UTC

Marvel Comics plans to introduce the first openly gay title character in a comic book.

They're making a comic book about Liza Minelli's husband?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 am UTC

United Airlines filed for bankruptcy protection Monday.

Business really started to go down the tubes when the Catholic Church stopped sending their child molesting priests to new cities.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 9, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:29 am UTC

New observations by a NASA spacecraft orbiting Mars show a planet rich in water, but suggests that for many years it has done little other than remain frozen in the soil.

Just like the Cincinnati Bengals.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 6, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 10:39 pm UTC

A Japanese professor has set a world record by calculating the value of pi to 1.24 trillion places, using a computer program that he spent five years designing.

Not surprisingly, he did most of his work during those five years on Saturday nights.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 5, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 5:23 pm UTC

Republican Senator Strom Thurmond celebrated his 100 birthday with a party on Capitol Hill on Thursday.

With all the excitement, doctors were close by at all times during the party – just in case Dick Cheney had a heart attack.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 9:51 pm UTC

Michael Jackson told a court on Wednesday that he had been blessed by God with a gift for creating family entertainment.

Well, he certainly has a gift for creating a family that IS entertaining.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 4, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 7:05 am UTC

Michael Jackson appeared at a California courtroom on crutches on Tuesday to resume testifying in a $21-million lawsuit despite what he said was a painful spider bite to his foot.

He was bitten by a Black Widow spider – which is now a White Widow spider.

On his way into the courtroom, Jackson said that Gloria Allred – the California attorney who asked authorities to investigate whether Jackson's three children are in danger – can “go to hell”.

It turns out he was just inviting her to his Neverland Valley ranch.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:56 pm UTC

The United Stated Postal Service announced on Monday that it was buying nearly 1.6 million potassium iodide pills to protect its workers against thyroid cancer in the event of a radiological emergency.

Talk about scary – giving postal workers drugs!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 11:46 pm UTC

The Transportation Security Administration announced that over the Thanksgiving holiday it seized 15,982 pocket knives, 98 boxcutters, six guns and a brick from airline passengers.

If it's illegal to bring bricks on a commercial airliner, then it's a good thing the Lakers have their own plane.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 3, 2002.
  Web Posted at: 4:43 am UTC

Dancers at a San Francisco strip club have gone on strike.

I don't think this strike is going to work; the club owner is charging money to let people watch them walk the picket line.

The strippers are all members of the Exotic Dancers Union.

Now I see why Bill Clinton is such a supporter of labor unions.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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