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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
January 31, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:03 pm UTC

A man in Miami hijacked a mail truck and led police on a low speed chase through the city's streets Friday.

Even though it was a low speed chase, none of the witnesses could ever recall seeing a mail carrier move that quickly.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 31, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:35 pm UTC

According to a new study by UCLA, only 53 percent of Internet users believe most or all of what they see online.

Apparently, it's just occurring to some people that all those people you can watch having sex on the Internet might not be in committed relationships.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 31, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 am UTC

Workers at the nation's only unionized strip club ratified a new contract that raises the strippers' pay and improves some benefits.

There's a change; somebody giving strippers a raise.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:59 pm UTC

The U.S. government began administering small pox vaccines in Los Angeles County on Wednesday, which carries a small risk of life-threatening reactions or death.

It sounds like George Bush has found a way to reduce Hollywood opposition to war with Iraq.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:16 pm UTC

President Bush said Thursday he would welcome a decision by Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to go into exile.

Bush said he would be calling the President of Exile soon to see if he could arrange it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:31 am UTC

Eight European countries have signed a letter of support for President George W. Bush's call for tough action to force Saddam Hussein to disarm.

Well, President Bush can now honestly say that he can no longer count the number of nations who are supporting the U.S.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:29 pm UTC

A web site has reported one of three women finalists on the hit Fox reality show “Joe Millionaire” has appeared bound and gagged but fully clothed in dozens of bondage and fetish films.

Those films sound a lot cleaner than “Joe Millionaire”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:17 am UTC

During his State of the Union address Tuesday night President Bush said that his administration would revitalize the economy and improve health care.

He's gonna kill those two birds with one stone by hiring more heart cardiologists for Dick Cheney.

Bush also presented his case for attacking Iraq by outlining the threat the administration sees from Saddam Hussein.

Once he completed the outline, he then colored it in, since he's gotten pretty good at that.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:42 am UTC

Athina Roussel, granddaughter of Aristotle Onassis, inherited $2.7 billion in cash, homes, companies, art, shares, a private jet and a Greek island when she turned 18 on Wednesday.

She must be one of the people that President Bush was talking about having compassion for last night.

On the downside, now that she's 18, R. Kelly has dumped her.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:05 pm UTC

Aides to President Bush said that he will demonstrate that he is attuned to the concerns of ordinary Americans during his State of the Union address tonight.

He's going to propose eliminating taxes on trust funds, yachts, ponies and fine art collections.

Bush will also use the address to state his case for a possible war against Iraq.

He'll explain it to us the way it was explained to him: using lots of references to Darth Vader and “the dark side”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:16 am UTC

The United States Marine Corps Monday denied it that it had kept an enlisted Marine from being sent to the Middle East so that he could sing on the hit Fox reality show “American Idol.”

Actually, I would think that going on “American Idol” would be good training for going to war. That British judge Simon is far scarier than any Iraqi soldier.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:46 pm UTC

The “SQL Slammer” computer virus that hit the Internet over the weekend appeared to slow to a crawl late on Monday.

Due to its ineffectiveness, it's been renamed to the “Oakland Raider” computer virus.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:39 pm UTC

U.N. weapons inspectors over the weekend were still unable to find any evidence of weapons of mass destruction.

And that was just in the Oakland Raider locker room.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 26, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:28 pm UTC

Singer Billy Joel was hospitalized for several hours early Sunday after smashing his car into a tree along a highway on Long Island.

It's not known if he was under the influence at the time of the accident, as the police did not administer the “Diana Ross” test.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:00 pm UTC

Actor Zach Galligan, best known for his role in the 1984 movie “Gremlins,” was arrested Wednesday for shoplifting.

Unfortunately, he tried the old “I was doing research for a role” excuse but that's only believable if you're actually still getting acting roles.

He tried to steal a “Deep Purple” CD from a West Hollywood Tower Records store.

It sounds like his taste in music is about as current as his acting career.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:34 am UTC

President Saddam Hussein's eldest son Uday has warned the United States that a war with Iraq would make the September 11 attacks seem like “a picnic”.

Specifically, he meant a Hussein family picnic – a large gathering where lots of innocent people get killed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:39 am UTC

Two stowaways were killed when they fell out of the luggage hold of an Air France flight from Paris to Shanghai on Thursday.

To add insult to injury, the airline lost them; they were supposed to go to Newark.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:09 am UTC

The head of the U.N. nuclear agency has given Saddam Hussein a grade of “B” for his cooperation with weapons inspectors.

Now President Bush has one more reason to attack Iraq: Saddam Hussein gets better grades than he did.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:35 pm UTC

A Pennsylvania couple admitted to scamming neighbors out of nearly $700 by dressing their son in a Cub Scout uniform and going door-to-door for several weeks seeking donations for a nonexistent pack.

What kind of lesson are these parents teaching their son? There are MUCH better ways to scam people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:43 am UTC

McDonald's announced the first quarterly net loss in its history Thursday.

Experts blamed this on the poor economy; Americans are learning to get fatter on less.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:08 am UTC

The premiere of Fox's new season of “American Idol” drew a record-setting 26.5 million viewers on Tuesday night.

Boy, that Simon sure is mean. He's so good at putting down Americans that the U.N. is thinking of offering him a seat on the Security Council.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:40 am UTC

President Bush said on Wednesday that his administration has a plan to promote “compassionate alternatives” to abortion.

He wouldn't reveal any details about his plan, except to say that it involved a lot more storks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:58 pm UTC

Singer R. Kelly was arrested in Miami Wednesday on a warrant alleging 12 counts of possession of child pornography.

Who knew R. Kelly did such a good cover of Pete Townshend?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:54 am UTC

A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit Wednesday that alleged food from McDonald's restaurants is responsible for making people obese.

Sounds like more bad financial news for the average American's retirement plans.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:56 am UTC

In a recent study by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Americans voted the toothbrush the one invention they could not live without.

The toothbrush only came in first because “Supersizing” wasn't listed as an invention.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:48 am UTC

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder has declared his country is not ready to back any new U.N. resolution backing military action in Iraq.

He did declare, however, that his country is more than ready to back any UN resolution calling for military action in France.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:34 am UTC

Fox television is developing a new version of “Mr. Ed,” the 1960's comedy about a starring a talking horse.

This is another example of one network copying a successful format from another network – in this case, Fox copying E!'s hit show about a talking cow – The Anna Nicole Show.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:00 pm UTC

President Bush said Tuesday that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is playing “hide-and-seek” with weapons inspectors.

If there's one person who knows about playing hide-and-seek, it's George Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:21 am UTC

British Prime Minister Tony Blair says terror groups like al Qaeda will attempt to launch an attack on Britain.

Reportedly, al Qaeda is planning on putting a foreign substance in the British water supply – flouride.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:44 pm UTC

Albert Hirschfeld, a caricaturist known for his drawings of celebrities, died on Monday at age 99.

Most people don't know that he also designed Michael Jackson's face.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:22 pm UTC

Actor Robert Downey, Jr. said in a recent interview that his experiences in jail and drug rehabilitation have made him wiser.

If that's true, then Diana Ross is gonna be a PhD pretty soon.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:08 am UTC

A Texas Tech University scientist was arrested Wednesday, charged with making false statements to the FBI, after he admitted he accidentally destroyed vials containing a bacteria that could cause bubonic plague.

Why are we prosecuting this guy? We should just send him to work in Iraq.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:05 am UTC

Saddam Hussein said that his country is ready for war on Friday, calling the United States “the Mongols of our age”.

I don't think historical references are the best way to get President Bush's attention.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:27 pm UTC

U.N. weapons inspectors in Iraq Thursday found 11 empty chemical warheads.

The Bush Administration said it hasn't seen evidence of so many spent missiles since they moved into the White House after Bill Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:49 am UTC

President Bush has announced his opposition to an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, calling it a “quota system”.

It's not surprising that Bush is against a quota system – that sounds like math!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:01 am UTC

A Georgia judge has issued a warrant for the arrest of singer Bobby Brown, after he failed to appear in court to face traffic charges.

He would've been there, but he asked Dianna Ross to give him a ride to court.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:52 pm UTC

A new study by Harvard found that surgical teams accidentally leave clamps, sponges and other tools inside about 1,500 patients nationwide each year.

Well, that helps explain why Americans are getting fatter.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:27 am UTC

Another one of Robert Blake's attorney's has asked to be removed from his defense team.

Can anybody who lawyers dislike that much really be all that bad?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:31 am UTC

U.N. arms inspectors on Wednesday showed up at Saddam Hussein's main presidential palace in Baghdad to hunt for weapons of mass destruction.

Unfortunately, they didn't find anything out of the ordinary – just a run of the mill nuclear powered air conditioning system and some really big anthrax tipped lawn darts.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:21 pm UTC

A new study by the University of Chicago shows that resumes with white-sounding first names were more likely to elicit a response than ones with black-sounding names

Unfortunately that didn't apply to Marvin Lewis – he was still hired as head coach of the Cincinnati Bengals.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:49 pm UTC

Kmart Corp. announced Tuesday that it's closing 326 stores.

That's not good news for the future Mrs. Joe Millionaire.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:18 pm UTC

President Bush said Tuesday that he's “sick and tired” of the games being played by Saddam Hussein.

He much prefers “Chutes and Ladders” or “Candyland”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:30 am UTC

A new poll shows that President Bush's job approval has slipped to 58 percent.

Or, as Dick Cheny told him, his approval ratings are down two smiley faces.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:03 pm UTC

A new poll shows that President Bush's job approval has slipped to 58 percent.

This is whole story just goes to show that Michael Jackson is still pretty influential in the music world.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:07 pm UTC

British rock star Peter Townshend has been arrested on child pornography charges after he admitted paying to view Internet child pornography, but says he only looked at the Web sites for research.

In legal circles, this is known as the “Winona” defense.

Actually, he may be telling the truth on this; apparently, he's working on a new rock opera about the Catholic Church.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 pm UTC

Pledging to be “a different kind of Democrat,” Sen. Joseph Lieberman announced Monday he is running for the White House in 2004.

If he actually wants to get elected, it's pretty clear what kind of Democrat he needs to be – a Republican.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:11 pm UTC

A new book claims that the Chinese discovered the Americas nearly a century before Magellan and Columbus.

He found evidence that native Americans were selling the Chinese top secret information long before the white man was.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:44 am UTC

An Australian doctor claims to have developed a “suicide machine,” which lets terminally ill people kill themselves.

Apparently, it's another “Crocodile Dundee” sequel.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:54 pm UTC

North Korea has announced that it is withdrawing from the international nuclear nonproliferation treaty.

This is about as surprising as Bill Clinton declaring that he's withdrawing his vow to be faithful to Hilary.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:16 am UTC

Dutch police are analyzing about 500 original Beatles' tapes that were stolen in the 1970s and were recently recovered in the Netherlands.

Well, at least the recordings are in a place where they can be properly analyzed – a country where marijuana is legal.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:57 am UTC

The debut of “The Bachelorette” on ABC drew 17.4 million viewers Wednesday to win its time period.

The ratings are so good ABC is planning on a “Celebrity Bachelorette” – where Jennifer Lopez will pick her next husband.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:23 am UTC

A new study by the American Heart Association has shown that the saliva from a vampire bat contains a powerful clot buster that can help prevent strokes.

It may help prevent a stroke, but I'm thinking that chasing an old person down with a vampire bat may increase the risk of heart attack.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC

A Texas man who beat his 79-year-old mother to death, cut her open and ate some of her organs was sentenced Wednesday to 30 years in prison.

In his defense, she did tell him to eat his liver.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:02 pm UTC

A new study by the Harvard University Medical School shows that frequent drinking can reduce the risk of heart attacks.

Sure, because after a few beers, most guys ain't getting off the couch to shovel the driveway or mow the lawn.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:59 pm UTC

Sen. Joseph Lieberman intends to run for president in 2004.

Does anybody care? This is the guy who made Al Gore look exciting.

Lieberman will announce his decision Monday morning at his old high school in Stamford, Connecticut.

Right next to the locker he used to get stuffed into.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:02 am UTC

Fox's reality series “Joe Millionaire” has garnered some of the network's best Monday ratings in eight years.

There hasn't been something with so much sex, lying and deceit on TV since the Clinton Administration.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:16 am UTC

Fashion designer Mr. Blackwell named Anna Nicole Smith on Tuesday as the worst dressed woman of 2002.

She had by far the most acreage of ugly clothes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:02 pm UTC

The FBI called off its search Tuesday for five men suspected of entering the United States illegally from Canada, saying it believes an informant gave false information.

The FBI started getting suspicious when the informant also claimed the men had cloned a baby.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC

Walt Disney raised the price of daily admission to Disneyland by $2 on Monday, bringing the cost to $47.

Disney officials defended the increase by playing up their new thrill ride: “Diana Ross Drives to Blockbuster.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:31 am UTC

French President Jacques Chirac on Tuesday called on troops to be prepared for deployment in a possible war with Iraq.

They've been working hard on their “retreat” and “surrender” maneuvers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:08 pm UTC

The NFL admitted on Monday that its officials should have a called a pass-interference penalty against the San Francisco 49ers at the end of their 39-38 playoff victory over the New York Giants, giving New York another chance to kick a game-winning field goal.

That's a switch; a bunch of New Yorkers going to somebody else's city and getting robbed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:57 pm UTC

The U.N. agency searching for evidence of a nuclear weapons program in Iraq said Monday that so far it has not found evidence of one.

Right. And the police didn't find any liquor bottles in Diana Ross' car either.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:34 pm UTC

Republican Party leaders on Monday chose New York as the site for their 2004 presidential nominating convention.

Good move. That oughta really help the Republicans secure the stockbroker vote.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:57 am UTC

President Bush wants to eliminate taxes on stock dividends as part of his new economic stimulus package.

He's calling his plan the “War on CEO Poverty”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 am UTC

A baggage screener at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport was found sleeping on the job Sunday morning.

He was found when a couple of drunken Delta pilots stumbled over him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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