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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
February 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:55 pm UTC

The federal government has ordered that airlines perform a background check and assign a threat level to everyone who buys a ticket for a commercial flight.


For example, you'll be assigned a high threat level if your name is Courtney Love.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:57 am UTC

Iraq has agreed to destroy its Al Samoud 2 missiles, which are in violation of UN resolutions.


That's the good news. The bad news is Saddam's going to destroy them by lobbing them at Israel.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:35 pm UTC

A new poll finds that the percentage of registered voters who say they would support President Bush in 2004 fell below 50 percent for the first time.


This means that George Bush has the Democrats right where he wants them: with more popular votes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:26 pm UTC

An upcoming issue of Playboy magazine is going to feature the “Women of Starbucks.”


The women will be grouped into Tall, Grande and Venti.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:21 pm UTC

Pitcher David Wells claims in a new book that he was half drunk when he pitched a perfect game for the New York Yankees in 1998.


How fitting is it that America's National Pasttime is a game that you can play really well even when you're plastered?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:47 am UTC

Fred Rogers, star of television's “Mister Rogers,” died Thursday at the age of 74.


First Lady Laura Bush is going to record a public service announcement to explain to parents how they should break this news to their kids – just like she did to George.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 26, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:06 pm UTC

Fox television says that it has had devised a secret way to reprise “Joe Millionaire.”


Given the intelligence level of the women who volunteered for the first show, I don't think Fox will have to be too sneaky about it the second time around. They could call it “Joe Rich-Guy” and that would probably fool them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 26, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:41 pm UTC

A Texas judge ordered a defendant's mouth to be duct taped shut after the man kept interrupting the judge during a trial.


It's a good thing for that defendant we're not at Security Level Red.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 26, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:24 am UTC

Michael Jackson has initiated legal proceedings against Granada Television to stop it from using any unscreened footage from “Living with Michael Jackson”.


Apparently, even Michael Jackson doesn't want to see any more specials on Michael Jackson.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:40 pm UTC

Robert Blake said in an interview with Barbara Walters that he believes God will make sure he is cleared of charges that he killed his wife.


Blake said God promised to clear him – right after they go out to a nice dinner.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:40 pm UTC

Researchers at Columbia University revised the results of a study from last year, finding that underage drinkers account for only 20 percent of the nation's alcohol consumption
- not 25 percent as they reported last year.


Apparently, university researchers account for that extra 5 percent.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:56 am UTC

A rare snowstorm swept across the Middle East on Tuesday, covering Israel with its most snow since 1950.


It's gotten so cold there that people are strapping explosives on their bodies just for warmth.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:51 pm UTC

In an interview with Dan Rather, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has challenged President Bush to a live television and radio debate.


This would be an interesting debate, although it'd be real hard for people to follow his broken English. Plus, they'd probably have a hard time understanding Saddam Hussein too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:46 pm UTC

MTV had to cancel its “MC Battles” rapping contest on Monday, after a melee involving Hip-Hop fans in New York's Times Square broke out.


Too bad. I think I speak for most of the country when that I say if there was one thing we'd like to see on TV, it's Hip-Hop fans beating each other up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:24 am UTC

France, Germany and Russia submitted a proposal Monday in the United Nations for disarmament of Iraq, to counter U.S. pressure for military action.


I'm not so sure about this proposal. Part of their plan to disarm Iraq involves Germany and Russia splitting Poland.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:41 pm UTC

Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson knocked out Clifford Etienne in 49 seconds on Saturday.


This wasn't much of a fight. Etienne caved in like men with French surnames have for hundreds of years.

At the post-fight press conference, Tyson said the he enjoys, drinking, getting high and hanging out with his kids.


Who knew Mike Tyson and Paula Poundstone had so much in common?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:30 am UTC

Tonya Harding lost her professional boxing debut on Saturday, dropping a split decision to self-described bar room brawler Samantha Browning.


Watching this fight was like watching “The Jerry Springer Show” in a ring.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:03 am UTC

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel sang together on Wednesday for the first time since 1993 and may perform together at the Grammy Awards.


I think the timing was finally right, seeing as how Garfunkel doesn't have much left to prove as a solo artist.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:33 am UTC

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Thursday that the U.S. military is ready to launch military action against Iraq if President Bush issues the order.


The military can attack within minutes after President Bush puts his 'X' on the orders.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:05 am UTC

Jane Pauley, the co-anchor of ''Dateline NBC,'' will be leaving NBC in June after 27 years with the network.


Just to put this in perspective, when she first joined NBC, the idea of Michael Jackson having a sleep over with a 14-year-old wasn't so creepy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:21 am UTC

Turkey announced on Wednesday that it would not open its bases to U.S. troops unless Washington guarantees economic aid in writing.


That doesn't sound real promising, seeing as how writing isn't one of George Bush's strong points.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:17 pm UTC

Country singer Johnny Paycheck died on Tuesday.


He's survived by his ex-wife Jill Halfhispaycheck.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

Boxer Clifford Etienne agreed Wednesday to fight Mike Tyson as planned this Saturday, marking another twist in the saga that has enveloped the heavyweight fight for days.


This is getting silly. First they were fighting, then they weren't fighting, now they're fighting again. These two guys are a regular Bill and Hillary Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:12 am UTC

Congressman Dick Gephardt announced his candidacy for president Wednesday, saying Bush administration policies “left us isolated in the world, and stranded here at home.”


If there's anybody who knows about being isolated and stranded, it's a Democratic party leader.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:34 am UTC

ABC camera crews will be following actress Melissa Joan Hart around as she prepares for her summer wedding, which will then be edited into a reality special.


MTV is planning to do a similar thing with the upcoming Jennifer Lopez wedding – except that will be a continuing series.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:10 am UTC

Hans Blix told the United Nations Security Council Friday that weapons inspectors had not found any weapons of mass destruction during their search in Iraq.


I'm guessing that now that the inspectors are gone, there's going to be lots of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq – coming from the sky!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:56 am UTC

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has issued a decree banning the importation and production of weapons of mass destruction.


I guess “Living with Michael Jackson” will never air in Iraq.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:11 am UTC

ABC will air a rerun of “Living with Michael Jackson” next Monday night.


This time around ABC will call it “Am I Black or Not?”

That same night, NBC will air its own special “Michael Jackson Unmasked”.


Now there's finally a reason to use all that duct tape everybody's been buying up – to cover the TV.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:33 pm UTC

Clara Harris, the woman accused of running over her husband when she found out he was cheating on her, was found guilty of murder on Thursday.


You can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from all the men out there.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:49 pm UTC

Top LPGA golfer Annika Sorenstam will be the first woman in 58 years to compete on the PGA Tour when she plays in the Colonial tournament in May.


Most men are unhappy about this because, isn't that every guy's nightmare, having his wife or girlfriend on the golf course?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:59 pm UTC

Actor Sean Penn is claiming in a lawsuit that he lost a movie role because of his public opposition to a U.S. war against Iraq.


How silly is that? Does anybody take him seriously anyway? The man married Madonna, after all.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:19 pm UTC

The CIA said on Wednesday that North Korea has untested ballistic missile capable of reaching the U.S. West Coast.


On the bright side, it sounds like “Friends” may finally end after all!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:52 am UTC

Fox has made a deal with Michael Jackson to air his own footage of his recent controversial interview with a British journalist.


They're going to call it “When Freaks Strike Back”.


Fox is also planning a reality show starring Michael Jackson where he'll choose his next bedroom companion from among twenty kids; it'll be called “The Molestor”.

Jackson's video footage was shot by a close friend who is a gay pornography director and producer.


Well, it certainly sounds like this will clear everything up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:33 am UTC

Military vehicles with anti-aircraft Stinger missiles have been deployed around Washington D.C. as a result of the elevated threat of terrorist attack.


President Bush wasn't too keen about this at first, until his advisors explained that there wouldn't be any bumblebees involved.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:57 pm UTC

A new audio message from Osama bin Laden in which he comes out in support of Iraq and against the U.S. was broadcast on Tuesday.


I was really wondering which side bin Laden was going to support in this war.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:41 am UTC

The Academy Award nominations were announced on Tuesday and “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” was nominated for best picture.


At first, when I heard that a movie about a fantasy world inhabited by strange creatures was nominated for best picture, I thought they were talking about “Living with Michael Jackson”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:32 pm UTC

Benjamin Curtis, better known as the “Dell Dude,” will have marijuana possession charges against him dismissed if he stays out of trouble for one year.


The judge said that just so long as he stops making those annoying commercials, he won't go to jail.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:56 am UTC

This past weekend saw more delays and stalling tactics by America's least favorite country.


Yeah, France is a real pain in the butt.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:58 am UTC

Basketball star Michael Jordan played in his final NBA All-Star game on Sunday.


Jordan said this final All-Star game meant more to him than all of his previous final All-Star games combined.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:04 am UTC

The Rolling Stones played a free concert on Thursday in Los Angeles, their first free concert since their show at the Altamont Speedway in 1969 in which in Hells Angels stabbed a teenager to death.


It was much calmer this time around. There were several broken hips, but no deaths.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:19 am UTC

Federal officials said Wednesday that pigs that were supposed to be destroyed after a genetic engineering study at the University of Illinois may have entered the nation's food supply.


This is bad news. The government's having enough trouble keeping Dick Cheney alive as it is.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:17 am UTC

Michael Jackson said he was “devastated” after watching a documentary on British TV about himself.


Well, they do say that the camera adds ten pounds – and a nose.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:37 pm UTC

Pop diva Madonna plans to file a complaint with a British gossip magazine that says she is pregnant because she's dyed her hair and wears baggy clothes.


Turns out she's just preparing for her role as the lead in “The Paula Poundstone Story”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:08 pm UTC

Secretary of State Colin Powell used electronic intercepts, satellite photographs and other intelligence sources to try to convince the U.N. Security Council that Iraq had failed to comply with U.N. resolutions.


He made the same presentation earlier to George W. Bush, but instead used lots of construction paper, blocks and felt.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:47 am UTC

A new study by the Journal of the American Medical Association shows that drinking alcohol in moderation can be good for you.


Unless you're doing that drinking at Phil Spector's house.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:20 am UTC

British police arrested rock star Courtney Love after she arrived at London's Heathrow Airport Tuesday.


She's in trouble for not declaring herself among the list of possible disease carrying items she was bringing into the country.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:00 am UTC

Phil Spector, the record producer whose “Wall of Sound” backed up rock groups from the Ronettes to the Ramones, was arrested Monday in the early morning shooting death of a woman inside his sprawling suburban mansion.


Sounds like his “Wall of Sound” days are over and his “Wall of Shower Buddies” days are about to begin.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:25 pm UTC

In an interview with Vanity Fair, actor Ben Affleck denied that he wears a toupee or is gay.


Sure. And Jennifer Lopez will be wearing white at their wedding.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:51 pm UTC

Pop superstar Michael Jackson vowed in a television documentary to kill himself if there were no children left in the world.


Who knew Michael Jackson was so interested in solving the world's overpopulation problem?


Now, if that doesn't make all of you fellas out there wear a condom, nothing will.

The singer also said it was his dream to adopt two kids from each continent of the world.


If that dream also involves getting on a large ark and shipping out to sea for an indefinite period of time, then I'm all for it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:06 am UTC

National Geographic Magazine has published its first swimsuit issue.


Before you guys run out and buy a copy, the issue is titled “Hippos of North America.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:16 am UTC

A new documentary about Michael Jackson says that the pop star wants to live forever.


Does it count as living forever if you replace all of your original parts?

The documentary followed Jackson on a shopping trip to Las Vegas in which he spent $6 million without once glancing at any price tags.


And that was just at the plastic surgeon.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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