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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
March 31, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:22 pm UTC

U.S. Marines staged early raids Monday in southern Iraq looking for Iraqi Gen. Ali Hassan al Majeed, better known as “Chemical Ali.”


They should look in the most obvious place to find somebody called “Chemical Ali”: a college dorm.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 31, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:20 am UTC

Iraqi TV showed a new video of President Saddam Hussein last night.


Ooops. That was actually Peter Arnett.

Both NBC and National Geographic severed their relationships with Arnett, after he said in an interview with Iraqi TV Sunday that American war planners misjudged the determination of the Iraqi forces.


He's right, though. Who knew the Iraqis could infiltrate National Geographic and NBC?

Arnett said he gave the interview to Iraqi TV as a “professional courtesy”


Sure, from one Iraqi soldier to another.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:29 am UTC

A senior administration official said that President Bush is frustrated with the press corps for questioning U.S. war plans in Iraq.


The official said when Bush heard this he immediately wanted to know to which branch of the military the press corps belongs.

The official said Friday that Bush believes the war is going well.


Mainly because Dick Cheney keeps giving him gold star stickers.

The official also said that Bush had no doubts about the battle plan.


Sure. And no knowledge, either.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:36 pm UTC

Lisa Marie Presley said in a recent interview that she really was attracted to Michael Jackson when she married him in 1994 and that she really did sleep with him.


It's a good thing her father isn't alive to hear that, otherwise it might have driven him to some self-destructive behavior.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC

France is planning to start its own international TV news channel, like CNN and the BBC.


This new network will be there to cover breaking news, no matter where or when a French army surrenders.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC

The Senate voted on Tuesday to cut President Bush's proposed $726 billion tax cut in half.


President Bush is going to need some time to analyze this; dividing by two is pretty much long division for him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:57 am UTC

Film director Roman Polanski said on Tuesday he was deeply touched by winning an Oscar for best director on Sunday night.


That's great. I just hope that he doesn't “deeply touch” any more 16 year old girls.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:00 am UTC

Iraqi television resumed broadcasting on Wednesday, after a pre-dawn Tomahawk missile strike hit its Baghdad headquarters.


How can we expect to stop the Iraqis from broadcasting when we can't even get “Friends” off the air here at home?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:43 am UTC

The cost to attend Harvard University is going up next year by 5.5 percent, totaling $37,928 per year for tuition, fees and room and board.


Wow. If this trend continues, Harvard will be filled with nothing but rich kids.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:35 pm UTC

With the conflict in Iraq weighing heavily on the minds of Americans, Sunday night's Academy Awards telecast was the least watched Oscar telecast ever.


This is interesting, considering the viewing options available that night: something featuring a tyrant spewing anti-American propaganda or something that didn't feature Michael Moore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:35 am UTC

“Chicago” won six Oscars at the Academy Awards Sunday night.


The producers are already working on a sequel about another murderer in a famous city: “Baghdad”.

Roman Polanski, a French citizen who fled the United States in 1978 after he was convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl, won the Academy Award for best director for “The Pianist.”


So, the academy voted for a convicted child molester who's also a French citizen? And these are the same people who say that George Bush is out of touch with the American public?


In other Oscar news, Saddam Hussein won the Oscar for the best documentary feature.


Actually, the CIA is still trying to determine whether that was really Michael Moore or a body double.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:47 am UTC

Monica Lewinsky has landed a job as host of a new reality show for the Fox network.


She must've really blown away the casting director.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:11 am UTC

The government is reporting that the war against Iraq is going well; we've really got the enemy on the run.


That's right. More stars have announced they won't attend the Academy Awards.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:12 pm UTC

President Bush wrote a letter to Congress on Wednesday offering the administration's formal justification for war with Iraq.


This is a pretty historic event, since the only letters George Bush usually writes are the ones to Santa Claus.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:09 pm UTC

ABC has postponed Barbara Walters' annual pre-Oscars interview special on Sunday night because of the potential war with Iraq.


Good idea. No need to give the rest of the world more reason to hate us.

Producers of the Academy Awards have canceled the red carpet arrivals for celebrities because it would set an inappropriate tone.


I agree. It wouldn't be right to have all of those celebrities showing off their flashy outfits while a menace to society is still on the loose – Joan Rivers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:50 pm UTC

The French ambassador to the United States said Tuesday that the French military could assist the U.S. if Iraq uses biological or chemical weapons.


I guess the French want to hold off joining the war until their odds of surrendering are higher.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge on Tuesday outlined a plan to enhance security at airports, rail stations and ports dubbed Operation Liberty Shield.


The original name, Operation Prophylactic, didn't seem like the way to go.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:54 am UTC

Organizers of the Academy Awards say the ceremony will be held on Sunday as planned, despite the impending war in Iraq.


It sounds like the terrorist reprisals have already begun.

The show's producer has acknowledged that war would change the tone of the ceremony.


Sure, the tone would change from pompous and arrogant to pompous, arrogant and self-righteous.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:13 pm UTC

The NCAA will consider postponing the men's national championship basketball tournament if war with Iraq begins this week.


On the bright side, the players will now have more time to devote to their studies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:09 pm UTC

President Bush will make a televised address Monday night, during which he will tell Iraqi President Saddam Hussein that “time is very short” to avoid military action.


Bush will tell Saddam that he has until Mickey's big hand and little hand are both on the 12.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:43 am UTC

A new study by the American Psychological Association finds that most married people have the same outlook they had on life before they got married.


Most married guys certainly have the same outlook on dating they had before they got married.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:33 am UTC

Brewery magnate Joseph Coors, who helped create the conservative Heritage Foundation, has died at age 85.


If it weren't for Joseph Coors, George Bush wouldn't be what he is today – a pro-life alcoholic.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:28 am UTC

The World Health Organization has put airports around the world on alert for a deadly form of pneumonia that is spreading rapidly.


They've also identified the airport where travelers are most likely to die from airborne particles – Baghdad International Airport.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:56 pm UTC

A new plan to help break the deadlock in the U.N. Security Council over disarming Iraq has been proposed by Chile.


President Bush was skeptical about the plan, saying he didn't think spicy food was going to help resolve the situation.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:47 pm UTC

A jury Thursday awarded a concert promoter $5.3 million for two concerts canceled by Michael Jackson in 1999.


Given the kind of year Michael has had, I'm concerned how he might react to this news. I hope he doesn't do anything crazy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:27 pm UTC

Former President Bill Clinton will be a guest narrator for the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra later this month.


That's surprising. Who knew Arkansas had a symphony?


Too bad he's not guest conducting. He usually enjoys waving his baton around in front of people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:26 am UTC

The president of Des Moines Area Community College in Iowa was arrested Wednesday on charges of raising marijuana for sale.


On the plus side, he's now got bids to join every fraternity on campus.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:56 pm UTC

The Supreme Court on Wednesday stopped Texas from executing condemned killer Delma Banks, by granting a last minute stay.


Amazing. The government is prevented from punishing a murderer and France had nothing to do with it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:39 pm UTC

Barring a last minute Supreme Court reprieve convicted killer Delma Banks will become the 300th inmate executed in Texas since capital punishment was reinstated in 1982.


If THAT appeal fails, he can still appeal to the one place that will surely side with a viscous killer – the U.N. Security Council.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:12 am UTC

Cafeterias in the House of Representatives office buildings have changed the name of “french fries” to “freedom fries” and “french toast” to “freedom toast,” in protest of France's refusal to support the U.S. position on Iraq.


That explains why Dick Cheney was overheard asking for extra “freedom dressing” on his salad.


Even Bill Clinton has gotten into the act, saying that from now on he'll call it “freedom kissing”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:10 pm UTC

The U.S. Air Force tested a new 21,000-pound bomb on Tuesday called “the mother of all bombs.”


Sounds more like “the mother-in-law of all bombs”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:02 am UTC

Texas Tech basketball coach Bob Knight said he wouldn't accept his $250,000 coaching salary this year because of his team's poor performance.


If this becomes a trend, the coach of the L.A. Clippers is going to be an indentured servant.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:34 pm UTC

The federal government has announced plans to demolish the Mustang Ranch, Nevada's first legal brothel.


That's too bad; sounds like the perfect location for the Clinton Library.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:10 pm UTC

The government reported Monday that 11.5 percent of the U.S. population is foreign-born, a record high.


That means that at least 11.5 percent of the population can speak English better than President Bush.

However, the rate at which people come to America has slowed considerably.


This trend is expected to continue, so long as Fox keeps producing shows like “Married by America.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:43 am UTC

Former President Clinton held his first televised mini-debate with Republican Bob Dole on “60 Minutes,” Sunday night.


When I first saw Clinton and Dole debating on the TV last night, I wasn't sure what year it was – until I looked at my 401k balance.

In Sunday's debate, Clinton chose to talk about the Bush administration's proposed tax cut; Dole gets to choose the next segment.


Dole has picked a topic he knows he can win – the meaning of the word “is”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:50 pm UTC

The Hooters of America restaurant chain christened Hooters Air on Thursday with a maiden flight between Atlanta and Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.


Now I understand why Bill Clinton demanded that he tape his upcoming “60 Minutes” appearances from Myrtle Beach.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:10 am UTC

The Rolling Stones will perform in China next month for the first time in their history.


It'll be interesting to see how people with thousands of years of history are going to react to this event. It should be interesting to see how the Chinese react, too.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:58 am UTC

In a prime-time rematch of the 1996 presidential campaign, former President Bill Clinton and former Sen. Bob Dole have signed contracts with CBS to do 10 debate segments on “60 Minutes.”


Clinton will prepare for these debates just like he did in 1996 – with an intern under the podium.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:16 pm UTC

An article in the new edition of Vanity Fair magazine reports that Michael Jackson once paid $150,000 for a “voodoo curse” to kill director Steven Spielberg.


Apparently, Michael's still mad at Spielberg for making that unauthorized biography of his life – “E.T. – The Extra-Terrestrial.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

A retired Hollywood stuntman testified Monday that fear of reprisals from actor Robert Blake made him delay telling investigators that the actor had solicited him “to snuff” his wife.


Blake told him that if he talked, he would “take him to dinner.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:27 pm UTC

Detroit Red Wings center Sergei Fedorov has admitted he and tennis player Anna Kournikova were married but are now divorced and no longer talk.


They don't talk anymore? It sounds like they're still married.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:51 pm UTC

The names of possible al Qaeda operatives were found among material recovered during Saturday's capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed in Pakistan.


It's strikingly similar to the list of people invited to this year's Oscar ceremonies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:28 pm UTC

Public schools in nine states have until March 10 to stop reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, because it uses the words “under God.”


People should spend less time worrying about students saying “under God” and more time worrying about them being “under teacher.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:34 am UTC

Pop singer Madonna has written five illustrated story books for young readers aged 6 and above.


If the film rights to these books are sold, that will open up a whole new audience of people who will shun Madonna's movies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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March 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:10 am UTC

Pakistani authorities arrested Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the man believed to be mastermind behind the September 11 attacks, early Saturday.


That's one less name on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Men Named “Mohammed” List.


CBS is planning on a new show based on all of these terrorist arrests called “CSI: Mohammed”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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