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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
April 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:38 am UTC

A new study by the University of Michigan found that American men typically die almost five years before women do

That's why we have to flip so fast through the channels, because our time is short. Women can afford to be leisurely about it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:50 am UTC

Scientists in Scotland claim to have found evidence that fish have feelings, including stress and pain.

That's bad news for fishermen, but good news for personal injury lawyers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:15 pm UTC

Jack Osbourne, the 17-year-old son of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, is undergoing rehab for marijuana and alcohol use, the family's publicist said Tuesday.

I haven't been this shocked since I learned that Bill cheated on Hillary.

Out in Los Angeles it's so common for kids of celebrities to go to rehab they have another name for it: summer camp.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:19 am UTC

A group of female employees of Wal-Mart are suing the company for gender discrimination.

Here's my question: if these women don't win, then what do they do? Wal-Mart was the only place that would hire them in the first place.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:17 am UTC

A small earthquake measuring magnitude 4.9 centered in southwest Tennessee shook much of the South early Tuesday morning.

Luckily, most homes were undamaged, with only a few flat tires here and there.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:13 pm UTC

Edward Gaylord, the man who brought the TV show “Hee Haw” to U.S. homes, died over the weekend.

That's a shame. For those who never saw it, “Hee Haw” was the “Masterpiece Theater” of the South.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:42 am UTC

Saddam Hussein's 66th birthday arrived Monday with rumors that he was planning something dastardly to mark the occasion.

Supposedly, he's going to pose naked on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:58 am UTC

The founder of the E! Entertainment cable network is planning to launch an all-reality TV cable channel

Hmmm. A cable network devoted to showing people so desperate for fame and attention that they'll do anything, no matter how embarrassing. They might as well call it the “Geraldo Rivera” network.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:39 am UTC

A new study by the Chronicle of Philanthropy found that Hartford, Connecticut is the least generous city in the nation when it comes to charitable giving.

Is it any surprise that a city filled with insurance agents would be the least generous in America?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:40 pm UTC

American Airlines avoided filing for bankruptcy Friday when its flight attendants union agreed to a concession contract with the airline.

Great, that's all we need – another excuse for pilots to get drunk.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:38 pm UTC

In a recent interview Madonna attacked Americans for being obsessed with getting rich and looking good.

What a hypocrite! Next thing you know, she'll be attacking Americans for making crappy movies and CDs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:22 pm UTC

The Dixie Chicks posed nude for the cover of Entertainment Weekly in a defiant response to the backlash over their opposition to the war in Iraq.

Per usual, when the going gets tough, celebrities take their clothes off.

I don't see how making people physically ill while they're standing in the checkout line is going to help their cause.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 pm UTC

Controversial Irish singer Sinead O'Connor has announced that she's had it with the music business and is going to retire.

Even SHE hates the Dixie Chicks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:20 am UTC

A new study reported in the New England Journal of Medicine says that overweight people are much more likely to die from cancer.

So now, when you go into a McDonald's and order a meal, you can ask to “Tumor-Size” it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:22 am UTC

The Urban America Television Network is producing an “Osbourne”-like reality show about O.J. Simpson and his family.

Unlike on “The Osbournes,” O.J. has seen to it that there won't be an overbearing wife ordering him around.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:19 am UTC

The Bush administration has warned the Iranian government to stay out of Iraq and not interfere with the country in its “road to democracy,” the White House said Wednesday.

It's awfully dangerous to be a country that's only a small spelling error away from Iraq when George Bush is president.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:26 pm UTC

In an upcoming interview the Dixie Chicks say the backlash after their criticism of President Bush for the war in Iraq has made them fear for their lives.

I think that fear is completely unfounded. They're much more likely to be attacked for their music than for their political opinions.

Then again, I hear that the Bush administration has come out with a special “Dixie Chicks” deck of playing cards.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:46 am UTC

U.S. soldiers in Baghdad found $600 million in $100 dollar bills hidden behind a false wall, less than a week after soldiers also found $656 million in a Tigris River neighborhood.

Too bad those weapons of mass destruction weren't filled with cash otherwise we'd have found them all by now.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:33 pm UTC

FBI officials announced on Monday that one piece from a looted Iraqi museum has been seized at a U.S. airport.

I think “seized” is a little bit of an exaggeration. In actuality, the piece fell out of the person's carry-on bag when a couple of drunk pilots bumped into him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:26 pm UTC

85 year-old Carmella Unker has been recognized as the Postal Service's oldest full-time female employee.

Over the course of her career, postal workers have become much more productive, thanks to the advent of automatic weapons.

I'm not sure what's scarier about this story, the fact that there are 85 year-old people working at the post office or that this award had to include the “female” modifier.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:45 pm UTC

President Bush's job approval has reached 72 percent after the war with Iraq.

Despite this, Bush is continuing to seek the support of key voters in 2004 – the Supreme Court.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:20 pm UTC

Abu Dhabi TV broadcast a videotape of Saddam Husseign supposedly made in Baghdad on the day the capital fell.

U.S. officials say they can't be sure when this tape was really made, because Saddam makes a reference to Michael Jordan retiring.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:02 am UTC

Madonna decided to not release her latest video because she thought its antiwar themes were inappropriate during the war with Iraq.

If it's anything like her last movie, I'd say it'd be inappropriate at pretty much any time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:32 pm UTC

A jury on Thursday cleared rocker Tommy Lee of responsibility in the death of a 4-year-old boy who drowned in his pool, rejecting a $10 million wrongful death claim by the child's parents.

You know what that means – POOL PARTY AT TOMMY LEE'S HOUSE!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:01 am UTC

A court has dismissed a request by Britney Spears for a restraining order against a computer programmer who sent her hundreds of love letters.

In the world of computer programmers, having a restraining order against you dismissed is called getting to third base.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 am UTC

Coalition special operations forces captured another of Saddam Hussein's half-brothers on Thursday.

Another half-brother? I'm guessing that Tikrit is Arabic for “Arkansas”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC

Twenty-nine days after raising the national threat level to high, the Department of Homeland Security on Wednesday reduced the level one notch to elevated.

Is it just me or does the national threat level seem to follow Dick Cheney's blood pressure?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:52 am UTC

A man ran onto the field between innings during last night's game between the Chicago White Sox and Kansas City Royals and tried to tackle the first base umpire.

Who ever thought it would be safer in Baghdad than in Comiskey Park?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:44 pm UTC

President Bush used the backdrop of tax day to press Congress to approve his proposal for $550 billion in tax cuts over the next 10 years.

President Bush is really putting the heat on Congress. He's also accused them of having weapons of mass destruction.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:26 am UTC

Rodney King was hospitalized with a broken pelvis after he lost control of his SUV while weaving through traffic at 100 mph and crashed into a house on Sunday in California, police said.

The good news is there wasn't any rioting or looting in Los Angeles this time. The bad news is there was more rioting and looting in Baghdad

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:04 pm UTC

The April 22 episode of “All My Children” will feature the first on-screen lesbian kiss on daytime television.

Well, aside from on the Spice Channel, of course.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:15 am UTC

Coalition troops have discovered a “love shack” used by Saddam Hussein to cheat on his wife in Baghdad.

Bill Clinton had a place like that; it was called the Oval Office.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:30 am UTC

Saddam Hussein's half-brother was captured by coalition forces on Monday after he attempted to escape to Syria.

His name is Roger Hussein.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:49 pm UTC

The U.S. Central Command has given soldiers in the field decks of flip cards containing pictures and descriptions of 55 of the most wanted Iraqi regime leaders.

President Bush endorsed this plan, since he's learned lots of things with flashcards himself.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:13 am UTC

A shooting in Los Angeles Thursday night struck a convoy of cars, one of which was carrying rapper Snoop Dogg.

You know the world's getting back to normal again when there's more combat between rap stars than Americans and Iraqis.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:36 pm UTC

Actor Sean Penn's car – along with two guns that were in it – was stolen near San Francisco, police said on Thursday.

Thank god he's a peace activist, otherwise who knows what he would've had in his car.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:41 am UTC

British Airways and Air France plan to stop Concorde flights because they are not making enough money.

Great. Now what are all of those Americans who want to get to France in hurry going to do?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:42 am UTC

The United States has moved the “mother of all bombs” to the Persian Gulf region, Pentagon officials said Wednesday.

They're going to be showing Madonna's last movie to entertain the troops.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:44 pm UTC

The Louisiana Senate voted on Wednesday to protest CBS' new reality show “The Real Beverly Hillbillies,” complaining the show will poke fun at rural Americans.

The final vote tally won't be released for several months, until they're done counting.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:57 pm UTC

On the eve of the Masters golf tournament, Hootie Johnson said he would not change his mind and admit women members to the Augusta National Golf Club.

Or, in other words, Hootie says “no” to hooters.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:47 am UTC

Baghdad residents took the streets on Wednesday, celebrating the end of the Iraqi regime by chanting, dancing, looting and even toppling a statue of Saddam Hussein.

It looks like the Iraqis are already embracing the American way: looting and rioting in the streets after a big victory.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:44 pm UTC

A new audiotape from Osama bin Laden calls for Muslims to carry out suicide attacks against U.S. and British interests.

I guess this means Osama is definitely still alive. No chance that's an old tape, that's for sure.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:18 pm UTC

Actress Winona Ryder wants to hold a charity auction to sell the $5,500 worth of clothes and accessories that she stole from a posh department store but a judge on Monday was reluctant to buy into the plan.

I agree with that judge. Last I checked, selling stolen goods isn't charity, it's called fencing.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:22 pm UTC

Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera apologized on air Sunday night for outlining planned troop movements in the sand, saying he “should have been more careful.”

He said the same thing after he admitted sleeping with Barbara Walters.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC

American tanks and armored vehicles rumbled into Baghdad early Monday.

Witnesses say they sounded a lot like Anna Nicole Smith's stomach at lunchtime.

They stormed Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's main presidential palace, which had apparently been emptied before the Americans arrived.

Just like before George Bush moved into the White House.

Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf continued to deny that coalition forces had advanced into Baghdad.

I haven't heard a government official deny the obvious like this guy since Bill Clinton was president.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:07 am UTC

Coalition forces seized Saddam International Airport on Friday.

U.S. troops have already begun to Americanize the airport; there's a security guard asleep at every gate.

The airport is going to be used as a coalition 'superbase' on Baghdad's doorstep.

President Bush had originally wanted to make it a “Fortress of Solitude” instead but he was talked out of it.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:47 pm UTC

American armored divisions launched an assault on Saddam International Airport Thursday.

If the resistance is tough, the U.S. is prepared to use a special weapon that wreaks havoc at airports: Courtney love.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 2, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:10 pm UTC

British Royal Marines have found a torture chamber in the basement of an Iraqi police station. One room was completely bare, except for two tires and an electric cable.

Apparently, an interrogator would use the tires to stand on, while they plugged a TV into the electric cable and made the prisoner watch Paula Zahn for hours on end.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 2, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:42 pm UTC

Ozzy Osbourne says that his wife Sharon is free of cancer after months of treatment for the disease.

Well, her cancer isn't completely gone; her son Jack still lives at home.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:26 pm UTC

R&B star R. Kelly, who's been charged with having sex with a minor, has recorded a new song to show support for members of the U.S. military currently fighting in Iraq.

Fittingly, it's a lullaby.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:24 pm UTC

Cher said in a recent interview that she doesn't like Michael Jackson anymore.

She said there's nothing more pathetic than a washed up singer who's had too much plastic surgery.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:32 am UTC

Fox News Channel reached a deal with the Pentagon Monday in which correspondent Geraldo Rivera will leave Iraq voluntarily rather than be expelled.

At least we've rid the Iraqi people of one tyrant.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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April 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:37 am UTC

Peter Arnett was hired by Britain's Daily Mirror on Tuesday.

Good move on his part. Nothing improves your credibility like working for a London tabloid.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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