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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
May 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:06 pm UTC

The national terror alert level was once again lowered from “high” to “elevated” Friday afternoon.


Officials expect it to remain at that level until Madonna announces plans for another album or movie.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:29 am UTC

President George W. Bush says he is “not mad” at France and other countries that opposed the war in Iraq.


Bush said he never gets mad – he just gets control of the country.

The president made his comments before leaving Washington early Friday on a seven-day, six-nation trip.


I'm not sure I believe Bush when he says he's not mad, seeing as how he called the trip a “Blitzkrieg.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:56 am UTC

Air France will make its last Concorde flight from New York to Paris on Saturday.


This will now mean that once again the fastest way to get to Paris is by tank.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:54 am UTC

Former President Bill Clinton called for the repeal of the 22nd Amendment on Thursday, which prevents a person from being elected president more than twice.


He also came out in favor of repealing the 7th commandment, “Thou shall not commit adultery.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:16 am UTC

Researchers in Spain have found that handsome men produce the highest quality semen.


Call me crazy, but I think they'd get different results if they did that study in Arkansas instead of Spain.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:28 am UTC

Researchers at the University of Rochester found that young adults who regularly played video games showed better visual skills than those who did not.


They showed much better hand-eye coordination, for example, than those who regularly played for the Detroit Tigers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:02 pm UTC

Paul McCartney's wife Heather is pregnant with their first child, a spokesman for the couple has announced.


Just when Paul thought he was all done having kids, now he's got to come up with another excuse not to name his child “Ringo”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:22 am UTC

Cable channel Bravo will launch “Boy Meets Boy,” TV's first gay dating series, where some of the potential suitors are actually heterosexual pretending to be homosexual, this summer.


It's also the first planned reality show starring a gay man in a sham relationship since the one about Liza Minelli and her husband.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:19 am UTC

A new poll by AAA finds that more than 90 percent of drivers admitted to engaging in risky behavior behind the wheel, such as eating.


The study recommends that if you must eat behind the wheel, at least pick something less risky, like a salad.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 28, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:54 am UTC

For the second time in a week, U.S. troops have discovered what a cache of gold bars hidden in a truck, this time with an estimated value of $250 million.


Now I know what the Bush Administration meant by WMD – Wads of Money in the Desert.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC

Ruben Studdard beat runner-up Clay Aiken to win the title of “American Idol” Wednesday night.


Ruben won the key swing vote – McDonald's franchise owners.


Does a country full of overweight people really need a grotesquely overweight person as its idol?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:08 am UTC

High school basketball star LeBron James has signed an endorsement deal with Nike worth more than $90 million.


At what point will it become cheaper to stop hiring celebrity endorsers and just give the shoes away?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:13 am UTC

Audience members at the Academy of Country Music Awards booed the very mention of the Dixie Chicks name on Wednesday night.


That's really shocking – they actually got an audience for the Academy of Country Music Awards?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC

The Bush administration banned all beef imports from Canada on Tuesday, shortly after the discovery there of a cow with mad cow disease


Dick Cheney wouldn't sign off on the ban until he was assured it didn't include Canadian bacon.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:17 am UTC

South Carolina officially pardoned Singer James Brown on Tuesday for crimes he was convicted of in 1988 and 1998.


He has not yet, however, been pardoned for his wardrobe.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 21, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:45 am UTC

The mayor of Paris has announced that his city will bid for the 2012 Olympic Games.


The IOC will only award the games to France if they promise not to surrender Paris to anybody before then.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:26 pm UTC

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey has signed a contract that will keep her hit daytime TV program on the air into 2008, her production company said on Monday.


It looks like the government raised the terror threat level one day too late.


Personally, I don't think of it as keeping her on daytime TV as much as keeping her OFF of primetime TV.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:15 pm UTC

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security raised the national terror threat level to orange, or high, on Tuesday.


That's too bad. Just as Dick Cheney's eyes were getting accustomed to natural light again.


The government has a special name for the only threat level higher than orange – Whitney Houston.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:26 am UTC

A new study finds that the percentage of middle school students who have had sexual intercourse has nearly doubled since 1988.


On the positive side, I think we've finally identified Bill Clinton's legacy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:31 pm UTC

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer announced Monday that he is resigning.


I guess he got tired of having to constantly explain the intricacies of government ... to George Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:09 am UTC

“The Matrix Reloaded” had the highest grossing opening weekend of any R-rated film on record this past weekend.


Or, at least since the opening weekend of “About Schmidt” when moviegoers had to look at Kathy Bates topless.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:36 am UTC

The Broadway musical “Les Miserables” closed on Sunday after 16 years.


That means that New York's longest running show starring a miserable lot of people is now the Mets.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:48 am UTC

President Bush launched his re-election bid Friday, formally filing papers to seek a second term.


He wrote a letter to his brother Jeb asking for a second term.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:46 am UTC

Fifty-one Democratic lawmakers declared victory Thursday in their scheme to scuttle a GOP redistricting effort and returned to Texas from self-imposed exile in Oklahoma.


It sounds like the Democrats have finally figured out a way to become relevant again – live somewhere else.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:06 pm UTC

U.S. authorities said that the nearly $1 billion that was ordered removed from Iraq's central bank by Saddam Hussein has been located in various hiding spots around Baghdad.


Now we know the answer to the question “Why did George Bush invade Iraq?” – because that's where the cash is!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:45 pm UTC

France says it is the victim of a smear campaign by the Bush administration for not supporting the war in Iraq.


They should be glad that's the only kind of campaign the Bush administration is waging against them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:19 am UTC

A lawyer who was suing Kraft Foods for selling Oreos because they are allegedly unhealthy will be drop the lawsuit because he has learned that Kraft is already working on ways to make them healthier.


This is a pretty historic event – a lawyer dropping a lawsuit voluntarily.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:06 am UTC

Professional golfer Vijay Singh apologized Tuesday for his recent comments about Annika Sorenstam playing on the PGA Tour.


He said he'd be happy to sit down with her and discuss it over dinner – so long as she cooked it for him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:23 am UTC

Actor Tommy Chong of the spaced-out dope-smoking comedy duo “Cheech & Chong” pleaded guilty on Tuesday to a federal conspiracy charge of selling drug paraphernalia over the Internet.


Was it really necessary to spend all that time and money on the “War on Drugs” just so we could bust one of the Cheech & Chong guys?


Busting one of the Cheech & Chong guys on drug charges doesn't seem all that impressive. It's kind of like busting Bill Clinton for soliciting a prostitute.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:45 am UTC

Microsoft Corp said a company news release that it was developing a portable toilet with Internet access was a hoax perpetrated by its British division.


Microsoft officials started to suspect their British office was responsible for the joke when they mentioned being able to surf while you're brushing your teeth.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:43 am UTC

A new biography of President John F. Kennedy reveals that he had affairs with several teenage interns while he was president.


Who ever thought that of Bill Clinton and John Kennedy, Kennedy would be the sleazy one?


You know that picture of a young Bill Clinton shaking President Kennedy's hand? It turns out Kennedy was actually slipping him the phone numbers of some hot interns.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:57 am UTC

A California lawyer is suing Kraft Foods Inc. seeking to ban Oreo cookies because they contain trans fat, an ingredient he calls inedible.


I don't think this lawsuit will go anywhere. Judging by how most Americans look, Oreos are clearly pretty edible.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:13 pm UTC

U.S. officials said Monday that they had captured Iraqi woman known as “Dr. Germ.”


Unfortunately, upon closer examination, she actually turned out to be “Dr. Pesticide”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:19 am UTC

The Department of Homeland Security will be conducting exercises this week aimed at testing the ability of officials across the nation to handle an imaginary “dirty bomb” attack.


They're to going to practice what to do in case Madonna stars in another movie.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:07 am UTC

The government plans to unveil its new $20 bills Tuesday, which include the introduction of subtle background colors.


Luckily, the Bush Administration has made sure that most people won't notice the difference – because nobody has that much money anymore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:20 pm UTC

The United States and Britain have drafted a U.N. resolution that calls for them to be “occupying powers” in Iraq for at least a year.


They had to phrase it in a way that the French would understand.


Now that active combat is over, Operation Iraqi Freedom has been renamed to Operation Iraqi Starbucks Saturation.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:57 pm UTC

A new poll by FOX News finds that 61 percent of registered voters think President Bush will be re-elected in 2004.


Naturally, fewer than half said they'd actually vote for him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:41 am UTC

A touch football game between junior and senior girls from a Chicago high school turned into a brutal hazing in which players were slapped, punched, doused with paint and splattered in the face with mud and feces.


Good thing it wasn't tackle football.


It was even worse than that; disgraced football coach Mike Price was coaching the junior squad and propositioned all the girls after the game.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:05 am UTC

James J. Smith a former FBI agent was indicted by a federal grand jury Wednesday on charges related to his 20-year affair with a Chinese double agent.


Sounds like they both got screwed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:19 pm UTC

Rock guitarist Pete Townshend was cleared Wednesday of possessing pornographic images of children but still was placed on a national register of sex offenders.


He's also restricted to touring only with R. Kelly for the next five years.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:03 am UTC

A new audiotape found in Baghdad is thought to contain a speech recorded last week by Saddam Hussein calling on Iraqis to wage a “secret” war against occupying coalition forces.


If it's more “secret” than the war the Republican Guard waged against coalition forces, how will we even know they're waging it?


Most Iraqis didn't hear the message, since they were busy either picking up hookers or eating at Burger King.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:12 am UTC

Vice President Dick Cheney has agreed to be President Bush's running mate in 2004.


This is probably the last time you'll ever hear “Dick Cheney” and “running” in the same sentence.


If the next election is as close as the last one was, we may really have a “heart attack finish” on our hands.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:49 am UTC

Wal-Mart has pulled three popular men's magazines from its shelves, saying some customers were uncomfortable with the photos of scantily clad models on their covers.


I guess most Wal-Mart customers are uncomfortable looking at thin, employed people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:09 am UTC

The New York Times reported on Monday that Saddam Hussein withdrew nearly $1 billion in cash from Iraq's central bank hours before the U.S.-led war on the country began.


Sounds like Bill Bennett on his way to Las Vegas.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:41 am UTC

A vehicle found by Kurdish fighters last week in northern Iraq may be a mobile biological weapons laboratory, U.S. officials said


If so, it would be the first confirmed find of a mobile unit in Iraq that can produce dangerous material since Geraldo Rivera was there.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:03 pm UTC

William Bennett said Monday that he has “done too much gambling” over the years and vowed that his “gambling days are over.”


That's why he'll just stick to betting against the Mets.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:38 am UTC

A new study by the American Psychological Association finds that violent lyrics in songs make people more aggressive and hostile.


Well, violent lyrics or the Dixie Chicks, either one.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:30 pm UTC

A new study by the Women's and Children's Hospital in Buffalo, New York finds that most toddlers in the United States are obese.


That's the bad news. The good news is that fewer kids are attractive to Michael Jackson.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 2, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:57 am UTC

A Colorado climber who was trapped for five days in the mountains after a 200-pound boulder fell on him freed himself by amputating his own arm.


That's a really amazing story, especially considering the boulder landed on his legs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:35 pm UTC

Aaron Sorkin, creator of the hit NBC political drama “The West Wing,” will step down as executive producer at the end of this season.


Knowing him, I'd say it's more like “come down”, rather than “step down”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:37 am UTC

Once again, the American Lung Association has ranked California as America's smoggiest state.


Ironically, there seem to be more toxic chemicals in California than in Iraq.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:33 am UTC

President Bush will arrive aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier Thursday riding in the co-pilot's seat of a U.S. Navy aircraft.


Apparently, Dick Cheney promised President Bush that he could play “Top Gun” if we won the war.

The plane will make what is known as a “tailhook” landing, when the craft, traveling at about 150 mp, hooks onto a steel wire across the flight deck and comes to a complete stop in less than 400 feet.


Usually, when I hear the words “President” and “tailhook” in the same sentence, I think of Bill Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:35 am UTC

Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy, who was photographed partying with college students earlier this year, made an appeal to save his job by admitting he's an alcoholic on Wednesday.


If this doesn't save his job, he'll have just one last resort: posing naked on the cover of Entertainment Weekly magazine.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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