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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:05 am UTC

A senior FBI official says authorities have disrupted 35 terrorist-related incidents since the September 11, 2001 attacks.

As good as this is, the FBI says they will not rest until they can be sure that Madonna won't make any more movies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 am UTC

Strom Thurmond, the longest-serving member of the Senate, died Thursday night at age 100.

Strom was first elected to the Senate in 1954. In fact, his original interns are so old now even Bill Clinton wouldn't hit on them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 27, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:21 am UTC

“Baghdad Bob,” the former Iraqi information minister claims in an interview that he was released after being questioned by U.S. forces.

The questioning ended quickly, when the two sides couldn't agree on who was doing the questioning.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 26, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:09 am UTC

The baseball that Barry Bonds hit for his record 73rd home run in 1999 sold at auction Wednesday for $450,000.

Now imagine how much they could get for the needle he used to inject himself with steroids before he hit the home run.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 26, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:04 am UTC

Intelligence sources are saying that Osama bin Laden was recently able to send messages to followers around the world ordering them to attack the United States.

The U.S government is planning to send a group of specialists into Afghanistan to put a stop to such fast and easy correspondence: the United States Postal Service.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 26, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:39 am UTC

The Recording Industry Association of America has announced that it will start suing hundreds of individual computer users who illegally share music files online.

Punishment will range from fines of $750 to $150,000 to having the Dixie Chicks perform in your home.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:17 am UTC

“Baghdad Bob,” the former Iraqi information minister who became world renowned for his ridiculously inaccurate news briefings during the war, has been captured by coalition forces.

The New York Times reportedly wants to interview him – for a job.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC

Former Georgia governor Lester Maddox, who became a symbol of segregationist defiance during the 1960s, died Wednesday at age 87.

Things just keep getting worse for Trent Lott, don't they?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC

Bank One Corp. has committed to a 12-year sponsorship of the Chicago Bears, under which the team will be introduced as “Bears football presented by Bank One.”

The Republican party has signed a similar deal, under which the president will be introduced as “George W. Bush presented by Haliburton.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:17 am UTC

The Rolling Stones will perform in Toronto next month in an effort to help promote tourism to the city in the aftermath of the SARS outbreak.

These days, Stones fans have a lot more things to fear than SARS – like broken hips.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC

President Bush raised $4 million for his re-election campaign Monday during a fund raising event in New York City.

I guess the people of New York see how he got rid of Saddam Hussein and figure maybe he could do something about Hillary Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:46 am UTC

In an effort to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, New Zealand has imposed a “flatulence tax” on sheep and cattle farmers.

Legislators in the United States are considering a similar plan here, except they would tax Rush Limbaugh.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:11 am UTC

Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he would consider running for governor of California if the state needed him.

This is bad news for Gray Davis. It's never a good sign in politics when you're running against somebody nicknamed “The Terminator”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:36 am UTC

San Francisco Giants' superstar Barry Bonds became the first player to hit 500 home runs and steal 500 bases in his career Monday night.

Baseball experts say this is a feat that may never be topped – until they develop stronger anabolic steroids.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:23 am UTC

Former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean officially declared his intention to run for president on Monday.

I don't give him much of a chance. After all, we all know what happened to the last leader of a small state who challenged George W. Bush.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:57 am UTC

“The Hulk” opened this past weekend and was the No. 1 movie.

The special effects in this movie were pretty amazing. The Hulk looked so real that I thought for a minute that I was watching “The Anna Nicole Show”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:15 am UTC

Prince William of Great Britain turned 21 this past Saturday.

His birthday party was the biggest state celebration for the child of a leader since the Bush twins turned 21.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:53 am UTC

Andrew Luster, great-grandson of cosmetics tycoon Max Factor, began serving a 124-year prison sentence for raping three women on Thursday, after he was captured in Mexico.

He'll now be known in the family as Max Security.

If I were him, I don't think I'd advertise to my fellow inmates that I can get all the free lipstick, eyeliner and rouge that I want.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 am UTC

Government investigators have found that Internal Revenue Service employees are spending half their workday on the Internet for personal reasons.

That's amazing. IRS employees spend half their workday actually working?!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 20, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:24 am UTC

An appeals court has upheld an injunction requested by film director Spike Lee preventing Viacom from renaming its TNN cable network “Spike TV.”

The court agreed that the public would erroneously associate him with the network – since it would be full of shows nobody would watch.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:45 am UTC

Sammy Sosa hit a two-run homer Wednesday night in his first game back after serving a seven-game suspension for using cork in his bat.

It's nice to see that Sammy can still hit home runs when he all has to rely on are his athletic skills – and anabolic steroids.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:26 am UTC

Former Vice President Al Gore is seeking financial backers for a liberal cable television network to help Democrats counter conservative media voices.

Now Hillary Clinton will finally have somewhere to promote her book.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:48 am UTC

Pamela Anderson is hinting that her romance with Kid Rock is over.

Pamela Anderson is back on the market? This isn't good news for people trying to contain monkeypox.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:02 pm UTC

U.S. forces in Iraq have captured Gen. Abid Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti, No. 4 on the list of the 55 most-wanted Iraqis.

President Bush was particularly excited to hear that we've finally captured somebody with a number low enough to count to on one hand.

U.S. officials have said they want to try Mahmud for war crimes.

He should be able to get a lighter sentence if he can provide any information that leads to the conviction of anybody else higher up on the most wanted list, like Martha Stewart.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:21 am UTC

Israel's Antiques Authority announced Wednesday that the inscription on an ancient stone box that indicated it contained the bones of Jesus' brother James was a forgery.

Let's see, so somebody recently cut into this really old thing to try and make it appear as if it were something it's not – kind of like Barbara Walters.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:04 am UTC

The New York Times reported on Wednesday that “The Sopranos” will continue for a sixth season, which will be its last.

No word yet on whether that's actually true or just made up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:57 am UTC

Police said that thousands of copies of the new Harry Potter book were stolen from a trailer in northwest England on Sunday night.

Those Clintons will do anything to stay on the best seller list.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:38 am UTC

CBS News has denied a report by the New York Times that it was trying to win an interview with rescued POW Jessica Lynch by making her lucrative offers from other Viacom units.

I guess CBS should follow the Times' example: there's no need to pay for an interview when you can just make it up.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:39 am UTC

A pizza chain in Portland, Ore. is hiring homeless people to hold signs promoting their restaurant.

Other companies are now following suit. For example, the New York Mets seem to have hired a bunch of homeless people to hold bats at home plate.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:31 am UTC

A Republican-led campaign to recall California Gov. Gray Davis, once dismissed as improbable, now appears poised to qualify for the ballot.

This shouldn't be so surprising. If there's one thing Republicans are good at, it's overriding popular votes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:30 am UTC

The Modesto Bee reported Sunday that Scott Peterson has been corresponding with a woman serving time for murdering her husband.

Normally, couples that share a hobby stay together longer, but I'm not so sure in this case.

Actually, this could be a solution to all of those overcrowded prisons – set up violent criminals with each other and let them have at it.

Too bad he's not getting any mail from women accused of insider trading.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:47 am UTC

The San Antonio Spurs defeated the New Jersey Nets 88-77 Sunday night to win the 2003 NBA championship.

The good news for New Jersey was that their fans had no reason to riot after the game. The bad news is that gave them a reason to riot after the game.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:03 am UTC

President Bush, vacationing with his family in Kennebunkport, Maine, fell from a Segway motorized scooter in the driveway of his parent's estate on Thursday.

It was the first time he's ridden anything in the driveway without training wheels.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:33 am UTC

A college student in Boston has been accused of creating a fake airline and selling tickets over the Internet.

This kid really went all out imitating a real airline. He even pretended to hire a few of his drunk fraternity buddies as pilots.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:11 am UTC

Michael Jackson has decided to settle a $12 million lawsuit by his former top adviser, rather than go to trial where details of personal life might be revealed.

Good idea, he wouldn't want the public to hear about his private life and think he's weird or something.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:40 am UTC

The Houston Astros used six pitchers to no-hit the New York Yankees on Wednesday night.

It was the worst hitting performance by a New York baseball team since the Mets' last game.

That Astors manager must be one demanding coach. What did he say to each of these pitchers when he came out to the mound to yank them? “Sorry, kid, you're just not getting the job done.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:01 pm UTC

In an effort to curb the spread of monkeypox, the exotic African disease that has spread from prairie dogs to people, the U.S. government banned the sale of prairie dogs

I hope this doesn't affect the price of a Whopper at Burger King.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:21 am UTC

A school bus driver in Pennsylvania has been charged with corrupting minors after she rented a motel room, stocked it with beer, and then drank with her eighth-grade daughter and classmates after a dance.

Imagine how shocked the police must've been when they saw the school bus parked outside of a motel room and inside nobody was having sex with their teacher.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:36 pm UTC

Hillary Clinton's memoir, “Living History,” broke a one-day sales record at Barnes and Noble, selling 40,000 copies in the first 24 hours it was available.

And those were just the copies sold to Bill's old girlfriends.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:23 pm UTC

Former ImClone Systems CEO Samuel Waksal was sentenced to seven years in federal prison Tuesday for his role in an insider trading scandal.

He should get time off for good behavior – and for putting Martha Stewart behind bars!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:42 pm UTC

President Bush said Monday that he remains “absolutely convinced” evidence of weapons of mass destruction would eventually be found in Iraq.

That's because he already knows the exact date and time it will be found.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:16 am UTC

Former first lady Hillary Clinton said in an interview with Barbara Walters on Sunday night that she has no plans to run for president in the next two elections.

It was hard to decide what was more fake – Hillary's claims or Barbara's face.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:51 am UTC

“Hairspray” won the best musical award Sunday at the 57th Tony Awards.

I didn't know they made a musical about Al Sharpton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:12 pm UTC

Sammy Sosa was suspended for eight games by major league baseball for using a corked bat.

After hearing this, the Detroit Tigers issued corked bats to their entire lineup.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:27 am UTC

A&E is planning to make a two-hour movie by on Hillary Rodham Clinton, starring Sharon Stone.

Sharon Stone? Who are they kidding? Talk about unbelievable – Bill Clinton would never have cheated on his wife if she didn't wear underwear.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:09 pm UTC

Martha Stewart published a full-page letter in USA Today on Thursday saying that she is innocent.

I didn't know that USA Today had hired Jayson Blair.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:24 pm UTC

New York Times Executive Editor Howell Raines and Managing Editor Gerald Boyd have resigned in the wake of the Jayson Blair reporting scandal.

Who would've ever thought that The New York Times and Martha Stewart Living would have so much in common?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:51 am UTC

No cork or other foreign material was found in any of the 76 bats confiscated from Sammy Sosa's locker and X-rayed by baseball officials.

Lots of foreign matter, however, was found inside Sammy Soas when they X-rayed him.

Donald Rumsfeld insists that Sammy still has corked bats, but they're just hidden real well.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:31 am UTC

Record producer Phil Spector, who was arrested for the murder of an actress in his home in February, told Esquire magazine that she committed suicide just hours after she first met him.

Whether he's telling the truth or not, he sounds like a crummy date.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:57 pm UTC

Martha Stewart was indicted Wednesday on charges of securities fraud and obstruction of justice.

When I saw the video of this person with a bad blond dye job facing criminal charges, I thought for a moment it was a replay of Scott Peterson being arrested.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 6:04 am UTC

Singer-songwriter Barry Manilow recently walked into a wall and broke his nose, knocking himself unconscious.

When he went to the hospital, doctor's confirmed what we always believed: he corks his nose.

On the plus side, it's the biggest hit he's had in years.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 5:05 am UTC

In her upcoming book “Living History” Hillary Rodham Clinton says she believed her husband's denials about having an affair with Monica Lewinsky.

Her book is expected to be an immediate bestseller – in the fiction category.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:25 am UTC

Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa was ejected in the first inning of a game Tuesday night after umpires found cork in his shattered bat.

I think we now know where the Iraqis hid some of those weapons of mass destruction – in Sammy Sosa's bats.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:32 pm UTC

The U.S. Attorney's office in New York plans to ask a grand jury to indict Martha Stewart in the near future.

That means we'll now have the Queen of Diamonds in custody.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:13 pm UTC

First Daughter Jenna Bush is planning on taking courses at New York University this summer.

She'll be attending on a New York Association of Bar and Tavern Owners scholarship.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 3, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:18 am UTC

The CIA has announced that it will soon provide Congress with the intelligence which was the basis for evidence about Iraq's weapons programs,

They'll hand over that information just as soon as Jayson Blair is done writing it up for them.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 2, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 9:53 am UTC

Finding Nemo was the top movie at the box office this past weekend making an estimated $70.6 million.

That's the most money America's spent looking for something that doesn't really exist this year since the Iraq war.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 2, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 7:48 am UTC

U.S. President George W. Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin on Sunday urged North Korea to abandon its nuclear ambitions and expressed concern over Iran's nuclear program.

I'm not sure that either North Korea or Iran is worried about the possibility of military action, so long as France is still on our side.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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