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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:05 pm UTC

Rap star Heavy D says he's lost 135 pounds.


He did it for health reasons – so he'll be a harder target for other rappers to shoot.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:05 pm UTC

Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly leaning against running for governor of California, citing concerns about his family.


He'd rather be at home so he can keep an eye on his kids – and keep uncle Ted away from his liquor cabinet.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:05 pm UTC

NFL training camps have opened around the country.


Everybody's excited about the start of the football season. Even the fans in Detroit are excited to root for a team that can't lose more than 16 games.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 30, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:05 pm UTC

A number of firms that Kobe Bryant represents have said they will continue to honor his endorsement contracts.


In fact, he's picked up some new endorsements since this all came about, like one for his jeweler.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

Things in California keep getting worse for Gray Davis.


In fact, I heard that he's taken to changing his location every 2-4 hours.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

Shortly after one source close to Arnold Schwarzenegger reported on Monday that he would not run for governor of California, another source said he had not yet decided whether to run.


I wish Arnold would make up his mind. He's in and out more often than Bill Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

U.S. soldiers captured one of Saddam Hussein's bodyguards on Tuesday.


It looks like Saddam is going to need a whole new set of bodyguards soon – a set of guys to guard his body.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

U.S. forces searching for Saddam Hussein have taken DNA samples from several locations in Iraq to see if he had been there recently.


The DNA samples indicate that he was not only there, but he also had a few interns with him.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

Bob Hope died Sunday night at the age of 100.


President Bush said he was sorry to hear the news and that the country would never forget a man who could find such a big diamond.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

U.S. military officials said over the weekend that they believe they are close to capturing Saddam Hussein.


Apparently, we missed him by (Maxwell Smart impression) THIS much.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

I was watching a WWII special on the History Channel this weekend. They had shots of people in Paris cheering wildly as Americans entered the city.


No wait, that was the Tour de France finale.

Lance Armstrong won his fifth straight Tour de France on Sunday. Armstrong rides for the U.S. Postal Service team.


Riding for the Post Office really helped make him a fast rider – he was always running away from crazed coworkers.


Lance Armstrong has become one of the greatest cyclists ever. All his success, though, has made life a little harder for his siblings. For example, it's been particularly hard on his brother, Stretch.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:42 am UTC

Mick Jagger turned 60 on Sunday and celebrated with a private party in Prague.


I heard the party was pretty wild. The tables were covered with mounds of Viagra and Metamucil.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:51 am UTC

The U.S. military allowed journalists to videotape the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay on Friday after they had been cleaned up and prepared for viewing.


NBC is already planning a reality show based on this called “Queer Eye for the Dead Tyrant Guy.”

U.S. officials said the bodies would be stored at the airport until a family member came forward to claim them.


Clever, but I don't think Saddam is going to fall for that.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:51 am UTC

President Bush says that the economy is turning around


He said that so long as Kobe Bryant keeps buying “forgive me” gifts for his wife, things will be booming again in no time.

Did you hear this story? Kobe Bryant was seen buying a $4 million diamond ring for his wife just a few days after she found out he'd cheated on her.


What a coincidence! A few days after Hillary Clinton found out Bill had been cheating on her, he was seen hitting on a woman wearing jewelry.

The judge in the case has issued a gag order on everybody involved with the case.


He said if he sees one more Kobe Bryant press conference with his wife holding his hand, he's going to gag.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:51 am UTC

It appears that Arnold Schwarzenegger is backpedaling from the idea of running for governor of California.


I don't blame him. He's already busy enough trying to revive one dormant economy – his movie career.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 25, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:51 am UTC

NBC announced on Thursday that it would spin-off a series for Joey from “Friends” after that show ends its run next year.


They're going to put Joey in a new environment and new situations – like meeting an African-American.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:02 pm UTC

Michael Jackson says he opposes a proposed law that would make it a felony to illegally download music over the Internet.


Of course he's against it. Most of the people who would go to jail are kids.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:02 pm UTC

Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay were killed by U.S. troops on Tuesday.


With them dead, that means the U.S. can focus on getting the biggest fish of all: Martha Stewart.

The U.S. government says it will provide proof that Saddam Hussein's sons are really dead.


And if there's one thing that will convince the rest of the world, it's proof from the U.S. government.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:02 pm UTC

Doctors in Austria have performed the first ever tongue transplant.


Finally, there's hope for people with poor taste.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 23, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:02 pm UTC

Researchers from the University of Utah have concluded that talking on a cell phone and driving is more dangerous than driving drunk.


The scary part is the study was based on a survey of Amtrak engineers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

Government officials here in California are now faced with the task of verifying the 1.6 million signatures gathered by the campaign to recall Gov. Gray Davis.


This is a real crisis. The government says it may actually have to ask its employees to do some work.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

Australian astronomers have come up with a count of stars in the known universe – 70 sextillion.


Which is perfect, since it's also the number of Bill Clinton's former girlfriends.

To give a sense of perspective, that's about 10 times as many stars as grains of sand on all the world's beaches and deserts.


But still less than the number of Starbucks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

Italian scientists have found that people who eat lots of pizza have reduced risk for some types of cancer.


That's bad news for all you Rush Limbaugh haters out there.

So, within the last week, researchers have told us that lots of ejaculation and lots of pizza help reduce the risk of cancer.


Now I see why Bill Clinton had Monica Lewinsky deliver him all those pizzas.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

The woman was accused Kobe Bryant of sexual assualt said watching him deny the charges on television made her sick to her stomach.


Just think how the Laker fans felt watching him in the playoffs this year.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

The wife of 72-year-old Rupert Murdoch gave birth on Thursday to the couple's second child.


Even Anna Nicole Smith was shocked at this news – you're supposed to marry the rich guy AFTER he's too old to reproduce.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:41 pm UTC

Kobe Bryant was officially charged with sexual assault on Friday.


That means that if he's convicted, even the Colorado State Penitentiary basketball team will be better than the Clippers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:43 am UTC

A U.S. company has begun selling microchips that can be implanted under a person's skin and used to confirm health history and identity.


Since it goes under your skin, they're decided to name it the Martha Stewart chip.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:43 am UTC

The Clinton's are publishing a cookbook of their favorite recipes.


Hillary has contributed the recipes for all of her favorite dishes to throw at Bill.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:43 am UTC

Jennifer Lopez said in a recent interview that said she never slept with Ben Affleck until after she separated from her then husband Cris Judd .


I believe her on this. She's certainly done this sort of thing enough times now to have it pretty well down.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:43 am UTC

A new government study finds that the percentage of kids aged 6 to 18 who were overweight has almost tripled in the last 25 years.


On the bright side, they're less likely to get hit on by Michael Jackson.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:37 pm UTC

Researchers in Australia have found that men who masturbate frequently are less likely to develop prostate cancer.


I don't know about prostate cancer, but it sure would've helped Kobe Bryant.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:37 pm UTC

Economists are now saying that the recession actually ended in 2001.


Great. Now George W. Bush can say that, after he was elected president in 2000 fair and square, he not only did he remove weapons of mass destruction from Iraq but he also brought the country out of recession.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:37 pm UTC

Another audiotape of Saddam Hussein has been broadcast on Arabic television.


Another audiotape? This guy's got more bootlegs than the Grateful Dead.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:37 pm UTC

Screeners at the Orlando International Airport last Friday found a loaded handgun hidden inside a stuffed teddy bear belonging to a 10-year-old boy.


The boy's family tried to pass it off as a new type of Vermont Teddy Bear – the Charlton Heston bear.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:01 pm UTC

Karl Malone and Gary Payton signed contracts with the Los Angeles Lakers as soon as they were eligible to, just after midnight on Wednesday.


They only signed so fast because they thought they were signing the Gray Davis recall petition.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:01 pm UTC

A California group has filed a lawsuit to stop a Republican-led drive to recall Gov. Gray Davis, saying organizers obtained petition signatures illegally.


An illegal Republican led drive? Isn't that redundant?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 16, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:01 pm UTC

A doctor in Hawaii has been sued for malpractice after inserting a piece of a screwdriver into a patient's spine.


That's the problem with medical care in this country; the patients are always getting screwed.


How about instead of suing the guy we send him over to France and see if he could help stiffen their spines.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:13 am UTC

The Los Angeles Dodgers signed 44-year-old Rickey Henderson on Monday.


I don't want to say that Rickey's old, but he's got jock itch older than most of his teammates.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:13 am UTC

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh will be a commentator on ESPN's “Sunday NFL Countdown” this season.


The Democrats tried to counter this by getting Al Gore on the show, but ESPN only wanted to give him the role of the goalpost.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 15, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:13 am UTC

Arnold Schwarzenegger said on Monday he would decide within the next month whether to run for California governor.


Arnold has to choose between working in a fantasy world where he recites lots of made-up stuff in front of a camera – or staying in acting.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:44 pm UTC

Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant on Sunday denied that he is guilty of sexual assault and said he “would never do something like that.”


Sounds like his defense hasn't improved much this offseason.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:44 pm UTC

A latex company in China has made the world's largest condom and used it to cover a 20-story, phallic-shaped hotel to mark U.N. World Population Day.


The event almost had to be canceled when organizers had trouble getting the packaging open in time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:44 pm UTC

The National Transportation Safety Board said that 2002 was the safest ever for the nation's commercial airlines.


This is the result of a number of new safety initiatives by the airlines – and higher alcohol prices at airport bars.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:44 pm UTC

Iraq's new governing council met Sunday for the first time and named April 9, the date of Saddam Hussein's fall, as a new national holiday.


This is an important step in the evolution of a democratic society – paid days off for government workers.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC

The Bush Administration has proposed new rules that could end overtime pay for at least 644,000 white-collar workers.


Luckily, administration's economic policy is designed to handle this problem: most of those people won't have jobs much longer anyway.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC

Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon and was let off with a $432 fine Thursday for hitting a woman dressed as a giant sausage with his bat during a game in Milwaukee the night before.


Apparently it's not illegal to bop the baloney in Milwaukee.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC

Susan Smith, the South Carolina woman who killed her two boys by driving her car into a lake while the children slept in their car seats, has placed an online personal ad.


I'm not sure who's more likely to find a boyfriend in prison first, Susan Smith or Scott Peterson.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC

The Transportation Security Administration said Thursday that airport screeners should no longer require passengers to take their shoes off to be X-rayed.


That's the good news. The bad news is they still have to pat down suspicious looking fat people.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC

A British financier has agreed to pay $40 million for an apartment in AOL Time Warner's new building near Central Park.


That's the most money that's been paid to acquire property since the Iraq war.

The property will be sold raw meaning the apartment will be a wide open space lacking internal walls and interior decoration.


The contract to build it out has already been awarded to Halliburton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC

A New York City woman has been arrested after she applied for her 27th marriage license.


I guess this means J Lo's marriage to Ben Affleck is on hold.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC

Canadian researchers say they have discovered that Stonehenge was designed to look like female genitalia.


Now I finally understand why Bill Clinton studied in England.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Canada is going to start selling “medical marijuana” to sick people needing relief from pain.


And to people who just need to “chill out”.


As an added bonus, this should also help to reduce the fighting in hockey games.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

President Bush is still weighing sending U.S. troops to help end the civil unrest in Liberia.


Bush said he would decide after he consults with his top advisers – Haliburton, Shell, Exxon-Mobil.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

There were two winning tickets from Wednesday night's $261 million Powerball lottery.


Well, there are two more Bush supporters.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon was booked for misdemeanor battery for hitting one of the Milwaukee Brewers' popular racing sausages with a bat during Wednesday night's game.


As a result of this incident, Major League Baseball has said that players are no longer allowed to touch any sausage that isn't in a protective cup.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Nike is buying rival Converse for $305 million, giving it an even stronger hold on the shoe market.


Gee, I hope this doesn't cause sneaker prices to become outrageous.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Delta Air Lines will soon be offering meals for sale on flights.


Well, this should certainly be successful. If there's one industry with a proven track record in food preparation, it's the airline industry.


In case of a water landing, the meals will also double as flotation devices.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton has already sold more than 1 million copies of her memoir ''Living History''.


This book is the best selling item by a Clinton since Bill could give out presidential pardons.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:14 pm UTC

Plans for a proposed all-gay cable network by Showtime and MTV are on hold.


I guess for now gays will just have to settle for “Gomer Pyle” marathons on TV Land.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:57 pm UTC

MTV has announced that “The Osbournes” will return for another season next year.


The show has a new sponsor for next season – The Betty Ford Center.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:57 pm UTC

Virgina police are investigating allegations that counselors at a 4-H summer camp arranged fistfights between children ages 9 to 13.


Some parents became suspicious when their kids came home from camp contractually obligated to Don King.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:57 pm UTC

Britney Spears says that she is not a virgin, acknowledging that she had sex with her ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake.


I don't think this news is going to shock many people, except for maybe Hillary Clinton.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:57 pm UTC

During his African visit on Tuesday, President Bush condemned slavery Tuesday as “one of the greatest crimes of history.”


Bush said that no group should ever be allowed to oppress another group like that again, unless oil is involved.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

Organizers of a Republican-led effort to recall California Gov. Gray Davis said Tuesday they had more than enough signatures to bring the measure to a vote.


Petition organizers credited the Bush Administration with helping to get the necessary signatures – since most people are out of work, they had plenty of time to sign the petition.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

The family of an Arkansas man, who has been paralyzed and unable to speak since a car accident 19 years ago, said that he is suddenly able to communicate again.


Gee, I guess there's still hope for George W. Bush, after all.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

Vice President Dick Cheney had his pacemaker tested on Tuesday by undergoing an electrocardiogram, an echocardiogram and a stress test.


For the stress test, they had him watch George W. Bush sit in the Oval Office and pretend to be president.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

Viacom has reached a settlement with director Spike Lee that will allow it to rename its TNN cable network “Spike TV.”


Spike Lee drove a pretty hard bargain; he said they could use the name if they'd actually show some of his movies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

NBA star Kobe Bryant was arrested for sexually assaulting a woman last week in a hotel near the jet-set resort of Vail, Colo., law-enforcement officials said last night.


Too bad Kobe's hands weren't as busy during the playoffs, or the Lakers might have done better this season.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

Buddy Ebsen, best known for his role as Jed Clampett on “The Beverly Hillbillies” has died at age 95.


President Bush took this news pretty hard, like he does whenever an oilman dies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

President Bush departed for Africa on Monday where he will visit Senegal, South Africa, Botswana, Nigeria and Uganda.


This trip is one of the main components of the Bush Administration's economic plan – getting George Bush out of the country.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC

The CIA says that the voice on an audiotape recently played on Al-Jazeera TV last week is actually Saddam Hussein's.


They're pretty sure, though, that it's not a recent recording, since it's an 8-track tape.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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