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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
August 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:54 am UTC

California's Secretary of State has disqualified 112 of the 247 people who had filed papers to be on the recall ballot because they couldn't pay the filing fee or get enough signatures.

Thank god they've weeded out all the candidates who weren't serious.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:54 am UTC

“The Tonight Show” is inviting all 135 candidates for governor to be in the audience Sept. 22.

For that night only they're going to rename the studio “The Island of Misfit Candidates.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:54 am UTC

Gray Davis has been speaking with Bill Clinton over the phone getting advice on how avoid being recalled.

Bill's been happy to help because really enjoys talking business on the phone – with an intern under his desk.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:54 am UTC

A Chinese toy company has come out with a George Bush action figure.

President Bush is looking forward to getting one of these action figures – for Christmas.

They had some trouble making the figure look like Bush, since nobody's seen him since his vacation started a few months ago.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:54 am UTC

Courtney Love's mother is claiming that her father is Marlon Brando.

Unfortunately, we may never know if Courtney Love is really Marlon Brando's granddaughter because nobody is willing to gather DNA samples from her.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 14, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:54 am UTC

A new report in The Journal of Sex Research finds that, on average, women lose their virginity around 16 years old.

They found that the age at which women lose their virginity has been getting younger – ever since Kobe Bryant came into the NBA.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:12 pm UTC

President Bush met with his top economic advisors at his ranch in Texas on Wednesday to discuss the state of the economy.

Apparently the president is considering a whole list of options to stimulate the economy: invading Canada, invading Mexico, invading France, ...

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:12 pm UTC

Due to FCC equal time rules broadcasters in California will not air Arnold Schwarzenegger movies or repeats of “Diff'rent Strokes” with Gary Coleman for the next few months, otherwise rival candidates would be entitled to equal time.

Well, maybe something good will come out of this recall mess after all.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:12 pm UTC

Sports Illustrated is reporting that Ted Williams was decapitated after he died and his head was shaved, drilled with holes and accidentally cracked 10 times by the cryonics company where his body is stored in Scottsdale, Ariz.

Too bad he's not in California – he'd fit right in with the rest of the candidates for governor.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:12 pm UTC

Fidel Castro turned 77 on Wednesday. He's had a rough year – his economy is in shambles and the country is more isolated than ever from the rest of the world.

That sounds a lot like George Bush's year.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 13, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:12 pm UTC

United States defense officials say they may send additional troops to Liberia by the end of the week.

The officials said they haven't decided how many troops to send, but it would be a small number – fewer than the number of people who saw “Gigli.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:32 pm UTC

Here in California, election officials have come up with a new order to the alphabet to determine the ordering of names on the recall ballot.

President Bush said he was disappointed to hear this – seeing as how he just mastered the regular order.

Meanwhile Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante has announced who his running mate will be – Busta Rhymes.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:32 pm UTC

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are reportedly considering getting married.

In fact, they're thinking about doing it real soon so they can get the honeymoon in before school starts.

He's going to ask her parents for her hand in marriage – right after he asks his parents for permission.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:32 pm UTC

Ted Kaczynski – better known as the Unabomber – has asked the government to return a bunch of his personal property that was seized by the FBI, including a bomb.

Instead of sending him his bomb, the government has offered a compromise – they'll send him a copy of “Gigli”.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:32 pm UTC

Ben Affleck turns 31 today.

Coincidentally, that's the same number of people who went to see “Gigli.”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:18 pm UTC

Candidates running for governor in California released financial statements over the weekend.

Gray Davis is lucky that he doesn't have to file that information; he's not very good at finances.

Arnold Schwarzenegger released a 63-page financial statement, which listed holdings including millions of dollars in stocks, companies, real estate and gifts.

And that doesn't even include his income from tax cuts.

Gray Davis says that he has asked former President Bill Clinton for help in the recall election.

You know you've hit rock bottom when you're asking Bill Clinton to help boost your image.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:18 pm UTC

A Russian cosmonaut on the International Space Station got married on Sunday while his bride was on the ground in Texas.

It was a nice ceremony. She had a life-sized cardboard version of him for the wedding and he had a life-sized inflatable version of her for the wedding night.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:18 pm UTC

An Air France pilot has been arrested for telling a security screener he had a bomb in his shoe.

I found this hard to believe – a Frenchman carrying a weapon.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:18 pm UTC

President Bush hosted a private barbeque in Texas on Saturday for people who raised $50,000 each for his re-election campaign.

The more money you raise, the bigger the reward. For example, if you raise $1 million for Bush, he'll attack the country of your choice.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 12:18 pm UTC

The first of six children's books to be written by Madonna is going to be published on September 15.

Between her music, films and kids books, there's now something for the whole family to shun.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:20 pm UTC

Former baseball commissioner Peter Ueberroth has announced that he's running for governor of California as a Republican

President Bush wasn't happy about this – another Republican with a name he can't pronounce

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:20 pm UTC

The California Supreme court has decided to not consider a lawsuit brought by Gray Davis that would have delayed the recall election.

Apparently they justices all agree this election is just going to be too entertaining to miss.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 8, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:20 pm UTC

News flash: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are still making wedding plans.

She might as well go ahead and make plans – she's bound to use them at some point with somebody.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:48 pm UTC

In California they now have Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Larry Flynt, Arianna Huffington, and Gallagher all running for governor.

That doesn't sound like a list of candidates – it sounds like the cast of a bad reality show.

So far, there are 356 people running for governor.

That means the governor's race is drawing better than a Clippers game.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:48 pm UTC

Jerry Springer has announced he would not run for the U.S. Senate in Ohio.

It's hard to blame him; politician is the one job that makes a talk show host look respectable.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 7, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:48 pm UTC

According to a new report by the Census Bureau California has lost more residents than it's gained in America in recent years.

Well I'm sure this whole recall election will reverse that trend.

Those figures don't include people coming from the biggest state of all: Mexico.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:02 pm UTC

Kobe Bryant was in court today in Colorado to formally hear the sexual assault charges against him.

This was a good news/bad news thing for Kobe. The good news was, his wife stayed by his side the whole time. The bad news was, his wife stayed by his side the whole time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:02 pm UTC

The clothing maker who made the shirts worn by Ruben Studdard on “American Idol” now says they paid him to wear their clothes on the show.

They decided it was cheaper than a billboard – with more square footage.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:02 pm UTC

Fisher-Price has issued a recall for about a quarter-million Sparkling Symphony crib mobiles because they can leak battery acid.

A crib mobile that leaks battery acid? That sounds like something Saddam Hussein would come up with.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 6, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:02 pm UTC

A Powerball winner from West Virginia had $545,000 in cash and cashier's checks stolen from his SUV while he was in a strip club, but the money was later recovered.

That's good; anybody that careful with his money doesn't deserve to have it stolen.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:21 am UTC

President Bush is on a 35-day vacation in Texas.

This is the longest vacation ever taken by a head of state in the middle of his term – other than the one that Gray Davis is about to go on.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:21 am UTC

California Gov. Gray Davis has filed suit to try and get his own name listed as a candidate to replace himself if loses the recall vote.

Republicans are fighting this pretty hard. After all, they know when can happen if you can just get a guy's name on the ballot.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:21 am UTC

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt has announced that he plans to run for governor of California and that he favors legalizing prostitution.

Boy, if you thought Bill Clinton was involved in this election before, you ain't seen nothing yet!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:21 am UTC

McDonald's will now be open 24 hours a day.

Well, this is good news for one sector of the economy at least – cardiologists.

In an unrelated matter, researchers are continuing to try and figure out why American's just keep getting heavier.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 5, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:21 am UTC

The Episcopal Church has delayed a final vote on whether to approve its first openly gay bishop, after allegations of inappropriate conduct.

Apparently, he recommended “Gigli” to his congregation.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:48 am UTC

In California Gov. Gray Davis is going to the state Supreme Court in a desperate attempt to delay the recall election or revamp the ballot to his advantage.

I believe in legal circles asking the courts to intervene in an election is called the George Bush maneuver.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:48 am UTC

Mike Tyson has filed for bankruptcy protection, claiming his finances are in disarray.

Does Mike Tyson really need to file for protection? Is there anybody out there who's going to give this guy a hard time?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:48 am UTC

A new survey finds that two-thirds of Internet users who download music don't care whether they're violating copyright laws.

At least, that's what I think I read; I was busy downloading some song at the time.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:48 am UTC

Kobe Bryant was honored at the favorite male athlete at the 2003 Teen Choice Awards on Saturday night.

He should get something from the Teen Not-By-Choice Awards

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:43 pm UTC

Arnold Schwarzenegger will officially announce whether or not he's running for governor of California next week right here on this show.

Immediately afterwards, we'll also have Gray Davis on to announce whether or not he's officially screwed.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:43 pm UTC

Al-Jazeera has aired another new audiotape supposedly from Saddam Hussein in which he calls on his supporters to oust the Americans.

We know it's a recent tape because he also goes on to give the new Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck movie yet another really bad review.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:43 pm UTC

U.S. weapons inspectors say they are making “solid progress” in the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

You know they've had to slightly adjust their definition of a “weapon of mass destruction” so this means they've found a few copies of Madonna's last movie and CD.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 3:43 pm UTC

The American Medical Association is offering a new guide to help doctors decide whether their elderly patients are still fit to drive.

What you do is, you take your patient out to the parking lot, put him in his car – and check the front grill for blood and hair.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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