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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
December 31, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
Chumworth's Best of 2003

It's the last day of the year and time for my own well thought out Best Of list for the year about to end.

Best MovieFight Club. I know, I know, it came out in 1999, but I didn't see it until this year, so give me a break, ok? This flick was pure genius. It also had one of the great lines of all time: “This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.” That pretty much says it all.

Best Drunken Celebrity on TV Moment – No contest. Broadway Joe Namath getting loaded and making a pass at ESPN's Suzy Kolber. This is your Hall-of-Fame quarterback. This is your Hall-of-Fame quarterback on alcohol. Followed closely by every Rush Limbaugh broadcast before he went to rehab.

Best Celebrity Arrest – This one was close, Martha Stewart, Michael Jackson, Glenn Campbell or Saddam Hussein. There were so many to choose from. But I'll to go with the obvious one: Saddam Hussein. You just can't beat seeing a former dictator and world class scumbag being dragged from a hole in the ground and checked for lice on live TV, unless it was Martha Stewart.

Best Threat to the Public Health – Monkeypox. Case closed with a name like that. Sure, SARS was big, but you can't beat a disease that actually causes the federal government to ban the sale of prairie dogs.

Best Tax Rebate – $800 smackers from the President for this married father of two. Federal surplus be damned, I say! I needed that cash.

Best Boneheaded Sports Move of the Year – Grady Little blows it for the Red Sox in Game 7 of the ALCS by leaving Pedro in too long. Not to laugh at those poor Red Sox fans who actually believed THIS was the year, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You couldn't have written a funnier ending than that.

I'm sure there are lots more that I'm leaving out, but it's time to put on some deodorant and prepare for 2004.

Happy New Year!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 29, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:15 pm UTC

So, The Late Show is in reruns until January 5, so here's some jokes that won't make it to Dave.

Michael Jackson said during an interview on “60 Minutes” last night that he suffered a dislocated shoulder when police were rough with him during his arrest last month.

It's so bad his doctors say he may never fondle again.

Jackson said the pain is so bad it keeps him from sleeping at night.

Well, that and all the kids in the bed.

Jackson said that when he sees children, he sees the face of God.

And when children see him, they see the face of a middle aged white woman.

The Department of Agriculture says that meat from a cow diagnosed with mad cow disease may have made it to retail markets in eight states, including California.

So, if you're in California and you see people acting crazy and weird – you'll know the meat didn't make it here.

-Chum    [link]

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 24, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanaukkah friends!

I hope you all have a happy and healthy holiday season and new year.

But remember, according to Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge we're under a Code Orange, meaning the threat of a terrorist attack here in the U.S. is high. So, to be as safe as possible, you'd be wise to avoid traveling by plane, train or automobile and going to any place with large crowds or, to be really safe, any place with one or more two legged hominid creatures.

Also, don't forget, the first case of mad cow disease has been diagnosed here in the United States. So, be sure to avoid buying or eating any beef products, or any products that may have been in proximity to beef.

In fact, to ensure your maximum safety, you'd be wise to duct tape all of your food and sit in a darkened room all by yourself. And, for the love of god, don't watch “The Newlyweds”; experts say that watching someone as dumb as Jessica Simpson try to navigate through her spoiled, charmed life can potentially induce a brain aneurysm.

That's what I'm going to do.


-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 22, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC

It's the joke that keeps on giving.

Click here to hear the audio of David Letterman using my commuting rats joke for the fourth time on air! (format: MP3, size: 233kb). This time it wasn't used in the monologue, but during an interview with Charlize Theron!

You can also go to my Late Night Joke page to hear all four versions.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 19, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC

It's Friday again, meaning no “Late Show” taping. So, here's a few random tidbits of the topical joke variety.

Saddam Hussein's daughter Raghdad says that her father can't get a fair trial in an Iraq court.

Well, duh. Of course the Iraqi courts are unfair – look who was running them for the last 30 years.

Sony has introduced a new robot that can jog.

How lazy are we getting? We're developing robots to exercise for us now?

Michael Jackson' brother Jermaine claims that Santa Barabara police locked Michael in a bathroom for an hour when he was arrested last month.

The worst part was it was the men's bathroom.

-Chum    [link]

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 18, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 8:30 am UTC

The big bust of Saddam Hussein has already paid off in one way – David Letterman used one of the many Saddam jokes that I've been writing like crazy all week on last night's show (Wednesday 12/17).

Click here to hear the audio (format: MP3, size: 153kb), or go to my Late Night Joke page.

Between Saddam and Michael Jackson, it's shaping up to be a very good Christmas for us joke writers. Oh yes.

Happy Holidays!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 17, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 1:50 pm UTC

Shout out to the troops in the 4th Infantry Division for dragging old Saddam's scraggly ass out of that spider hole in Tikrit last weekend. Now that he's been captured and deloused (what poor bastard got that assignment, I wonder?) comes the question: What the heck do we do with this creature?

It sounds like the plan is to put him on trial in Iraq, in front of a war crimes tribunal. This seems like a better idea than bringing him here for a trial, seeing as how we have a track record of blowing open-and-shut cases against celebrities. Well, at least California does, particularly open-and-shut cases against Heisman-trophy-winning celebrities.

However, allow me to suggest a more entertaining alternative: Let's put Saddam on Survivor: All Stars. Look, we all know what the outcome of this trial is going to be. Why not make it a bit more sporting as well as more attractive for primetime viewing?

You think a long, drawn out trial in Arabic is going to make for stirring TV? Instead, let's plop this lowlife on the island with the cream of the crop from past Survivors. If he can outwit, outlast, and outplay the likes of Richard Hatch, Jerry, Colby, Heidi, Rupert, and Johnny Fairplay, he's free to go look for another dictator job. If he gets the boot, then the Iraqi people can do what they want with him. Let's make the man answer to a higher authority: Jeff Probst!

Think about it: even if he wins, he'll still have to put up with Jerry from Survivor: The Australian Outback or Jon from Survivor: Pearl Islands fo 39 days. I think i'd rather live in a spider hole for eight months.

This seems like a no-brainer to me.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 12, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC

So, The Late Show doesn't tape on Fridays and there were a couple of news items that were just calling for joke, so rather than let them go to waste, I'm posting them here.

In California undocumented workers held a one-day work stoppage today to protest Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's repeal of a state law allowing then to get driver's licenses

Good luck trying to find a clean toilet at Wal-Mart.

Ozzy Osbourne's wife Sharon says that he stopped breathing after his quad bike accident earlier this week, but was resuscitated by a security guard at the scene.

Doctors say Ozzy is doing well – but the security guard may not make it.

The doctors aren't sure yet whether he suffered any brain damage.

And they would tell that how?

-Chum    [link]

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 11, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 4:05 pm UTC

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is losing a little off the fastball already.

Last week they made over some smarmy, self-absorbed guy who, apparently, is the host of a show on some music TV channel I've never heard of. Why make over a guy who's already on television for a living? Obviously, somebody thought he looked good enough as it was to be on TV. Besides, the guy was just flat out annoying to watch.

This week, they made over a guy who used to be in the marines. He was in shape physically, and seemed to have his act together in general. The only problem with him I could see was his apartment was a bit disorganized. His entire physical makeover consisted of something they applied to his face the purpose of which wasn't clear to me. That was it. No haircut, no eyebrow waxing, nothing. The guy even already had two suits! Come on!

This show is at it's best when they work over a guy who looks like he barely knows which way to put his underwear on. Gimme a guy who needs his earhair waxed or bits of last month's spaghetti dinner chiseled from his bathroom floor over a guy who actually looks like he showers voluntarily a couple of times a week any day.

Also, how about making over some guys without wives or girlfriends? Guys who are already married or living with somebody were clearly good enough to snag a lady in the first place, so what's the point?

They should start prowling a comic book or Star Trek convention for their subjects. Come on, boys, let's get creative here.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 9, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC
Snack Food of the Day

Snack food of the day: Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes.

My wife recently discovered these little pieces of heaven as a treat for our 4-year-old. They come in a box of five for 99 cents. That works out to just under 20 cents per! They consist of two yellow cakes shaped like a Christmas tree with a layer of tasty cream sandwiched between. The whole thing is covered in a yummy icing, green and red sprinkles and a red garland of frosting.

They come in two varieties: chocolate (chocolate cream filling inside, chocolate icing outside) and vanilla (vanilla cream inside, vanilla frosting outside). At first, my wife bought the chocolate ones. They were so good, I was skeptical when she got the vanilla ones that they would match up to the chocolate.

Oh, match up they did.

I’ve been bringing a vanilla one to work each day in its individually wrapped packaging (protected in it’s own Tupperware container for the commute) for my mid-day snack. Let me tell you, unlike when I eat other mid-day snack foods, there is no work going on while I eat one of these babies. I can’t do anything other than enjoy and admire the golden sweet goodness of this snack while I’m eating one.

Today I’ve got an afternoon meeting. Dare I bring this snack to the meeting? You bet. This is a snack food cake worthy of putting your career on the line.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 4, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:50 pm UTC

A sure sign I'm getting older: I've asked my wife for a nose hair trimmer for Christmas.

An even surer sign I'm getting older: I think she was already planning to get me one.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 1, 2003.
  Web Posted at: 2:05 pm UTC

I used to drink coffee. I stopped almost a year ago because I thought I was drinking too much. I also suspected it was contributing to my occasional migraine headaches.

It's been almost a year now and while I guess I feel better, I still miss it. Lord do I miss that dark, roasty Colombian goodness!

In place of coffee, I now drink tea. Drinking tea instead of coffee is like wearing a nicotine patch instead of smoking. It gets the drug in your system without the letting you experience all the things that make smoking fun. Mmmm, smoking.

Anyway, the real problem is, while nobody smokes around me at work or at home, people can make and drink all the coffee they want any time they want. People drink coffee everywhere – at the bank, at the movies, in meetings, in the bathroom, anywhere! People can come into my office and wave a large cup of coffee under my nose and I have to sit there and take it. My wife can make a pot at home (in front of the kids!) and I'm forced to try and ignore it while steeping my sissy-assed tea.

There should be a law against making coffee in public buildings or in the workplace. Make these people drink their coffee outside with the smokers. This would make my life easier. Perhaps I will write my senator about this.

Why did I give it up? Why Why WHY?!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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