March 30, 2004.
Web Posted at: 9:20 am UTC
Shades of O.J.
If you havne't heard the news, Saddam Hussein has chosen himself a lawyer. Now what do you get when you combine a megalomaniacal dictator and an attorney? Anybody? If you said “a late night talk show monolgue joke”, give yourself a pat on the back. You win!
Dave Letterman used a joke of mine about this on the Late Show last night (Monday 3/29/04). Click here to hear the audio (format: MP3, size: 170kb), or go to my Late Night Joke page.
March 19, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
Ragin' About 'Roids
There's been lots of talk recently about the use of steroids in sports and how there should be strict drug testing to for all professional athletes. To that I say, please – come on now; let's not get crazy. Professional sports are entertainment, just like the movies, books, politics and religion. I say if a bunch of meatheaded, overpaid idiots want to risk their long and short term health for my entertainment in exchange for ridiculous amounts of money, who am I to say no? If Barry Bonds wants to shoot up or ingest steroids until his head explodes like an infected appendix in exchange for the home run title, more power to him.
Let's be honest here: steroids make sports more fun to watch. They make the athletes bigger, stronger and – most importantly – angrier resulting in more bone crushing hits and tape measure home runs. That's what the people want to see. Heck, I say there aren't enough steroids in professional sports as it is. If these guys want to juice, let's do it right; I say let's put our best nerds on this and devise the most efficient artificial means to build these guys up and let them have at it.
The more I think about it, the more I think we need steroids in more walks of life, to keep things interesting. Don't agree? Well consider if we added steroids to the following:
Imagine how much more interesting those boring presidential debates would be if the participants were 'roided up, irritable and capable of snapping at any second? Instead of listening to Al Gore drone on about a “lockbox” four years ago, we maybe could've had Gore blindside W with a cheap shot to the jewels. Not exactly Lincoln-Douglas or Kennedy-Nixon, but entertaining nonetheless.
Sure, TV is pretty good as it is, but there's always room for improvement. How about those annoying local newscasts? Wouldn't they be more fun if there was a chance the juiced up weatherman might all of sudden lay out the anchorman with a flying elbow to the head?
If that doesn't convince you, let me just say the following:
Omarosa + 'roid rage = Hall of Fame Television
Your Own Life
What's that? You say you don't need steroids in your life? Wouldn't touch 'em with a ten-foot pole, you say? Please. Let's stop the lying right now. It's pretty simple: you're not on steroids now and your life blows. Get yourself on the cycle and your life will be better. You'll be bigger, stronger, and more aggressive. Sure, you may get some zits on your back, your gonads may shrivel like dried peas and you may cut your life expectancy in half, but man will you look buff. It's such an obviously good idea I'm not sure why we even need to discuss it in the first place.
The Post Office
Er, on second thought, this may be the one place where steroid use might be a bad idea. Let's not get crazy.
March 18, 2004.
Web Posted at: 8:25 am UTC
Dumb Blonde Joke
Are you depressed about the continuing crappy state of the world? The crummy economy? The lack of good weather in the Northeast? The fact that Martha Stewart probably won't spend more than a year or two in jail?
Well, buck up, friend. There is some good news to report. Jessica Simpson's little sister is getting her own reality TV show! I know, it's exciting. I'm still pinching myself. Most importantly, I've turned this announcement into a joke that Dave used last night (Wednesday 3/17) on the Late Show.
Click here to hear the audio (format: MP3, size: 229kb), or go to my Late Night Joke page.
If it weren't for dumb celebrities, where we would be, I ask you?
March 17, 2004.
Web Posted at: 8:45 am UTC
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
And to everybody in Massachusetts happy Evacuation Day! Are you like me, do you always leave your all of your Evacuation Day shopping until the last minute?
By now you've all heard that the new Prime Minister of Spain is going to pull all Spanish troops out of Iraq. As you might suspect, this is having a profound impact here in the U.S. – namely, on late night talk shows.
David Letterman told a joke I wrote about this to close out his monologue on last night's Late Show (Tuesday, 3/16).
Click here to hear the audio (format: MP3, size: 270kb), or go to my Late Night Joke page.
Keep that material coming, Euros!
March 8, 2004.
Web Posted at: 3:30 pm UTC
Three Cheers for the War on Terror!
Some people say the War on Terror isn't going too well. To those people I respectfully present Exhibit A from U.S. District Court in New York City last Friday:
Martha Stewart found guilty on all charges!
That's right; we may not be any closer to nabbing Osama bin Laden, but I know one charismatic, egomaniacal cult leader who's going to be safely behind bars for the next couple of years. I for one, think the world is a safer place today than it was a week ago. All that was lacking from the scene in New York last week to make it perfect was an army medic checking old Martha for fleas after the verdict was read.
Now that Public Enemy #2 is about to be issued a set of government sheets with an appallingly low thread count (for the love of god, how will the woman bear up without pillow shams?), we're faced with an interesting dilemma: who now does America turn to as the ultimate arbiter of good taste on a shoestring budget? Where now will I go for a truly interesting and unique design to carve on my pumpkin next Halloween? Who will show me how to make lovely and thoughtful homemade Valentines out of a few pieces of burlap, some twine and a little red food coloring? Damn it, why did the government have to have such an air tight case against her?!
Sure, Martha won't be gone forever. With good behavior she'll probably be back on the insider trading circuit within a couple of years, at which point she can once again resume taking money from us poor slobs in exchange for showing us how to keep our knuckles from dragging on the ground. But, in the meantime, whom do I (or you) turn to when I've got six guests coming to dinner in an hour and nothing but some cornstarch, frozen waffles and peanut oil in the cupboard?
Worried? You should be. Fear not, though because I've got the answer: Omarosa.
That's right. Martha should hire Omarosa from “The Apprentice” to hold her water at Martha Stewart Living while she's in the hoosegow. In case you haven't seen the show (and, really, shame on you if you haven't seen the greatest new show on television since “The Osbournes” took America by storm) let me give you a thumbnail description of her:
She's well dressed
She's well spoken
She's downright mean
In short, she's perfect! Or rather, she thinks she's perfect, which in fact makes her perfect. If that's not enough consider this: even Donald Trump called her mean and rude before he canned her sorry butt on last week's episode. Need I say more?
If there's any better choice to rob the poor huddled masses of America blind while smiling and making them want more, I'd like to know whom that person is. So, Martha, please, if you're listening, do the right thing; name Omarosa your temporary replacement while you're busy making simple yet elegant license plates up the river.
It really is the right thing to do. Just ask The Donald.