Get Email Updates

By FeedBlitz
Feeds


Add to Google
Subscribe in Bloglines
Search Me
Archives
November 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
February 2010
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000
November 2000
October 2000
September 2000
August 2000
July 2000
June 2000
May 2000
April 2000
March 2000
February 2000
January 2000
December 1999
November 1999
October 1999
September 1999
August 1999
July 1998

Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
March 30, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 9:20 am UTC
Shades of O.J.

If you havne't heard the news, Saddam Hussein has chosen himself a lawyer. Now what do you get when you combine a megalomaniacal dictator and an attorney? Anybody? If you said “a late night talk show monolgue joke”, give yourself a pat on the back. You win!

Dave Letterman used a joke of mine about this on the Late Show last night (Monday 3/29/04). Click here to hear the audio (format: MP3, size: 170kb), or go to my Late Night Joke page.

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
March 19, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
Ragin' About 'Roids

There's been lots of talk recently about the use of steroids in sports and how there should be strict drug testing to for all professional athletes. To that I say, please – come on now; let's not get crazy. Professional sports are entertainment, just like the movies, books, politics and religion. I say if a bunch of meatheaded, overpaid idiots want to risk their long and short term health for my entertainment in exchange for ridiculous amounts of money, who am I to say no? If Barry Bonds wants to shoot up or ingest steroids until his head explodes like an infected appendix in exchange for the home run title, more power to him.

Let's be honest here: steroids make sports more fun to watch. They make the athletes bigger, stronger and – most importantly – angrier resulting in more bone crushing hits and tape measure home runs. That's what the people want to see. Heck, I say there aren't enough steroids in professional sports as it is. If these guys want to juice, let's do it right; I say let's put our best nerds on this and devise the most efficient artificial means to build these guys up and let them have at it.

The more I think about it, the more I think we need steroids in more walks of life, to keep things interesting. Don't agree? Well consider if we added steroids to the following:

Politics

Imagine how much more interesting those boring presidential debates would be if the participants were 'roided up, irritable and capable of snapping at any second? Instead of listening to Al Gore drone on about a “lockbox” four years ago, we maybe could've had Gore blindside W with a cheap shot to the jewels. Not exactly Lincoln-Douglas or Kennedy-Nixon, but entertaining nonetheless.

Television

Sure, TV is pretty good as it is, but there's always room for improvement. How about those annoying local newscasts? Wouldn't they be more fun if there was a chance the juiced up weatherman might all of sudden lay out the anchorman with a flying elbow to the head?

If that doesn't convince you, let me just say the following:

Omarosa + 'roid rage = Hall of Fame Television

Your Own Life

What's that? You say you don't need steroids in your life? Wouldn't touch 'em with a ten-foot pole, you say? Please. Let's stop the lying right now. It's pretty simple: you're not on steroids now and your life blows. Get yourself on the cycle and your life will be better. You'll be bigger, stronger, and more aggressive. Sure, you may get some zits on your back, your gonads may shrivel like dried peas and you may cut your life expectancy in half, but man will you look buff. It's such an obviously good idea I'm not sure why we even need to discuss it in the first place.

The Post Office

Er, on second thought, this may be the one place where steroid use might be a bad idea. Let's not get crazy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
March 18, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 8:25 am UTC
Dumb Blonde Joke

Are you depressed about the continuing crappy state of the world? The crummy economy? The lack of good weather in the Northeast? The fact that Martha Stewart probably won't spend more than a year or two in jail?

Well, buck up, friend. There is some good news to report. Jessica Simpson's little sister is getting her own reality TV show! I know, it's exciting. I'm still pinching myself. Most importantly, I've turned this announcement into a joke that Dave used last night (Wednesday 3/17) on the Late Show.

Click here to hear the audio (format: MP3, size: 229kb), or go to my Late Night Joke page.

If it weren't for dumb celebrities, where we would be, I ask you?

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
March 17, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 8:45 am UTC
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

And to everybody in Massachusetts happy Evacuation Day! Are you like me, do you always leave your all of your Evacuation Day shopping until the last minute?

By now you've all heard that the new Prime Minister of Spain is going to pull all Spanish troops out of Iraq. As you might suspect, this is having a profound impact here in the U.S. – namely, on late night talk shows.

David Letterman told a joke I wrote about this to close out his monologue on last night's Late Show (Tuesday, 3/16).

Click here to hear the audio (format: MP3, size: 270kb), or go to my Late Night Joke page.

Keep that material coming, Euros!

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
March 8, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 3:30 pm UTC
Three Cheers for the War on Terror!

Some people say the War on Terror isn't going too well. To those people I respectfully present Exhibit A from U.S. District Court in New York City last Friday:

Martha Stewart found guilty on all charges!

That's right; we may not be any closer to nabbing Osama bin Laden, but I know one charismatic, egomaniacal cult leader who's going to be safely behind bars for the next couple of years. I for one, think the world is a safer place today than it was a week ago. All that was lacking from the scene in New York last week to make it perfect was an army medic checking old Martha for fleas after the verdict was read.

Now that Public Enemy #2 is about to be issued a set of government sheets with an appallingly low thread count (for the love of god, how will the woman bear up without pillow shams?), we're faced with an interesting dilemma: who now does America turn to as the ultimate arbiter of good taste on a shoestring budget? Where now will I go for a truly interesting and unique design to carve on my pumpkin next Halloween? Who will show me how to make lovely and thoughtful homemade Valentines out of a few pieces of burlap, some twine and a little red food coloring? Damn it, why did the government have to have such an air tight case against her?!

Sure, Martha won't be gone forever. With good behavior she'll probably be back on the insider trading circuit within a couple of years, at which point she can once again resume taking money from us poor slobs in exchange for showing us how to keep our knuckles from dragging on the ground. But, in the meantime, whom do I (or you) turn to when I've got six guests coming to dinner in an hour and nothing but some cornstarch, frozen waffles and peanut oil in the cupboard?

Worried? You should be. Fear not, though because I've got the answer: Omarosa.

That's right. Martha should hire Omarosa from “The Apprentice” to hold her water at Martha Stewart Living while she's in the hoosegow. In case you haven't seen the show (and, really, shame on you if you haven't seen the greatest new show on television since “The Osbournes” took America by storm) let me give you a thumbnail description of her:

She's well dressed

She's well spoken

She's condescending

She's downright mean

In short, she's perfect! Or rather, she thinks she's perfect, which in fact makes her perfect. If that's not enough consider this: even Donald Trump called her mean and rude before he canned her sorry butt on last week's episode. Need I say more?

If there's any better choice to rob the poor huddled masses of America blind while smiling and making them want more, I'd like to know whom that person is. So, Martha, please, if you're listening, do the right thing; name Omarosa your temporary replacement while you're busy making simple yet elegant license plates up the river.

It really is the right thing to do. Just ask The Donald.

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
Follow chumworth on Twitter