I'm not sure what it's like where you live, but here in the northeastern United States Spring has, as they say, sprung. The days are longer, the sun is shining, temps are going up and I'll be damned if I won't have to mow my lawn again soon. But, despite the rays and rebirth, as of today, a cloud has descended over my life that's going to be here for the next six months or so. You see, The Apprentice ended last night, and won't be back until next Fall.
Big deal, you say? It's just a TV show, you say? You heartless bastard. I can't believe you just said that. I'm embarrassed for you. Well, Mr. Killjoy, let me explain what the big deal is, exactly.
[begin "You Light Up My Life" here]
No more Apprentice means no more Donald Trump in my life with his blustery manner, two bit comb-over (more like one bit, actually) and trophy supermodel girlfriend. No more Omarosa for me to lie awake at night cursing. No more George and Carolyn to look to for trusted advice when I'm in a hard spot. No more extra places to set at our dinner table each Thursday night for Nick, Amy, Kwame and Heidi (note to my wife: sorry about making you set all those extra places; I may have gone a little overboard there). Damn it, why – WHY – do all good things have to come to an end?!
Now I'm forced to fill that awful gaping, sucking chest wound of a void in my Thursday night TV schedule. What will fill the void? Work? Please. My beautiful wife and daughters? Of course, but the girls are in bed by 6:30. Alcohol? Most definitely.
Please God, give me strength to accept the things I cannot change.
Anyhoo, now that the Donald has made his choice, allow me to toss my two cents into the ring about the finalists.
Kwame – I must admit, old Kwame showed me a lot last night: nice ties, nice suit, nice cufflinks and nice shoes. Yep, the man certainly knows how to dress, there's no doubt about that. He looks good. I'm willing to bet he smells good. He speaks well. He says all the right things. He's got the resume: Harvard MBA, Wall Street broker, etc. The only thing I'm not clear on is what exactly he's qualified to do. He sure as hell didn't do anything of a work related manner in the show. On one hand, you have to admire a guy who can make it that far without actually doing anything other than spew meaningless MBA speak at every turn. But, on the other hand, it was nice to see him lose, since his type are usually the ones who get ahead in this world.
Bill – I think the Donald made the right call here. Sure, Bill wasn't as sartorially talented as Kwame or as slick as Troy (if you can ever call anyone from Montana “slick”). He wasn't particularly good looking or smooth talking. In short he was pretty boring. All he did was hustle his ass around and try to get the job done. Bill, buddy, you've struck an important blow for boring, average looking white guys everywhere. If we had a patron saint, you'd be it. God speed working for the Donald, brother. I hope you're a big success in the Trump organization and the next time we see you've got a bad comb-over and a ditzy bimbo supermodel on your arm. Then we'll know you've made it.-Chum [link]