Get Email Updates

By FeedBlitz
Feeds


Add to Google
Subscribe in Bloglines
Search Me
Archives
November 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
February 2010
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000
November 2000
October 2000
September 2000
August 2000
July 2000
June 2000
May 2000
April 2000
March 2000
February 2000
January 2000
December 1999
November 1999
October 1999
September 1999
August 1999
July 1998

Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 29, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 1:45 pm UTC
Ted Kennedy’s Pants

Three words, baby: D N C!

Who says the Democratic National Convention is boring?! Certainly not any late night talk show monologue joke writers! What more could you ask for – Al Gore, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Howard Dean, Ted Kennedy. Sweet lord my heart is racing just typing those names.

Anyhow, I was able to parlay this week’s exercise in wastefulness here in Boston into a joke that David Letterman told on the Late Show this past Wednesday night (7/28).

Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.

Ted looked great. They say he’s lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 124kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Lord, why do all good things like this have to come to an end? I guess so other good things can now start, like Amish in the City. Thanks, big guy in the sky!

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
July 20, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 9:45 am UTC
Poor Martha, Dear Martha

For those of you living under a very large and soundproof rock, old friend Martha Stewart was finally sentenced last week for lying to the feds about that little “personal matter” (her words) whereby she cashed in some stock based on insider information and made a tidy profit at the expense of poor shlubs like you and me. The judge gave her five months in prison and five months of home confinement, because really, nothing says “justice served” like being waited on hand and foot in your Connecticut mansion for five straight months without a break.

Anyhow, other old friend Dave Letterman used not one but TWO of my jokes on this subject on this past Monday’s Late Show (7/19/04). Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 232kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Martha says she wants this whole ordeal to be over with as soon as possible. I say, speak for yourself, sister!

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
July 16, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 9:45 am UTC
Stray Dogs, the Emmys and Babysitters

Apparently the Greeks have decided to kick it old school for the upcoming summer games in Athens. Either that or the souvlaki has turned in the summer heat and they’ve all gone loopy. In case you missed it, they apparently have an issue with too many stray dogs wandering around, so they’re trying to eliminate the problem before the games begin. How are they doing this? Why, the obvious way, of course – by laying out poison all over the place! How else would you do it? Come on people!

Anyway, I wrote a joke about this that David Letterman told on the Late Show this past Wednesday (7/14/04). Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 269kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

On a related note, I’ve been nominated for an Emmy award!

OK, well, if you want to be technical about it I myself wasn’t SPECIFICALLY nominated, but the Late Show writing staff was nominated for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Program this week. I guess you actually have to be a STAFF WRITER to be listed as a nominee (bogus!). Clearly, though, they wouldn’t have gotten the nod if it weren’t for my legendary commuting rats joke of 2003.

Good lord, that last paragraph is the most pathetic plea for attention I’ve ever seen, let alone written. Sorry!

Finally, on a completely unrelated matter, it wasn’t a completely banner week; Mrs. Chumworth and I were fired by our babysitter! Oh, I think you heard me, all right. Fired, axed, canned, given the heave-ho! For legal and diplomatic reasons I can’t go into detail here. Suffice it to say we’re in the market for a new one. Life, ain’t it – strange?

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
July 9, 2004.
  Web Posted at: 3:50 pm UTC
Attention Whale Lovers!

Old Uncle Chum is back from a week of fun and sun with the family in lovely Maine, U.S. of A., better known as the Avis of potato producing states. Needless to say, we had a grand time. The highlights for yours truly were taking a dip in those chilly north Atlantic waters (effectively ending for good my child producing days) or taking in some whale watching, which didn’t even require us to leave the beach. Anybody who’s worried about whales becoming extinct any time soon need only take a gander at the hordes of behemoths that gather on America’s beaches each summer. By the way, apologies to anybody who was in the area at the time and was temporarily blinded by the glare from pasty white body frolicking in the water.

Our two little girls had a great time too. Thanks to the wonders of modern sunblock technology, they were able to enjoy the traditional beach fun (i.e. avoiding the second hand smoke, getting sand in their eyes, alerting the authorities to rogue hypodermic needles, etc.) like everybody else without fear of getting sunburned. We were careful to coat them in sunblock with an SPF of 60. For those who don’t know, SPF 60 means we could pretty much vacation in a blast furnace or on the surface of the sun and still come home whiter than when we left.

During vacation I also spent a lot of time soul searching and identified a new goal in my life: to watch as much Spongebob Squarepants as possible! What a great show this is! If you haven’t seen it, check it out soon. Finally, I’ve found something to help me pass the awful, lonely time until The Donald returns with “The Apprentice 2.”

Keep it real, or at least fake it really well.

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
Follow chumworth on Twitter