November 27, 2004.
Web Posted at: 12:40 pm UTC
He’ll Punch You If You’re Naughty
Ho ho ho!
Does the holiday season get you down? Well, if it gets you down, imagine how old Santa Claus must feel. This time of year, he’s gotta be just one screaming kid or ornery elf away from snapping. Did you see him at the big Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade the other day? He looked a bit cranky to me, so I wrote a joke about it that Dave Letterman told on Thursday’s Late Show (11/25/04).
Earlier today here in New York they had the big Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
There was trouble at the parade when somebody threw a beer and Santa went into the stands and punched a guy.
The good news is, Santa hasn’t been suspended for the season.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 125kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
November 23, 2004.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Did everybody see that crazy brawl at the Detroit Pistons-Indiana Pacers game last week? Fans were throwing beer at the players, players were going into the stands to lay the smack down on fans. It was crazy, it was ugly, it was chaos – it was perfect late night joke material! David Letterman told a joke I wrote about the incident on Monday night’s Late Show (11/22/04).
As a little more background for those not following these sorts of things, this happened a week after a similar brawl broke out during the Vibe Awards.
Now, for a bit of joke writing 101, take funny incident A, relate it to seemingly unrelated wacky incident B and you get:
Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers has been suspended for the rest of the season by the NBA for brawling with the fans.
The good news is he’s been named to host next year’s Vibe Awards.
See how easy this is?
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 123kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
November 19, 2004.
Web Posted at: 4:00 pm UTC
The following is a draft of a sample news report for The Daily Show. Read and picture Jon Stewart delivering it with accompanying video. Then discuss; they’re be a quiz on Monday.
In Little Rock, Arkansas yesterday 30,000 people braved the rain to witness an historic event – the opening of a library in Arkansas.
The library in question: the William J. Clinton Presidential Center. The opening of his library offered President Clinton an opportunity to further define his legacy – as well as an opportunity to meet lots of chicks.
(Show video of four presidents arriving at opening.)
The opening was attended by President Bush and three of the four living ex-presidents. The only living former president not in attendance: former President Gerald Ford, because nobody remembered that he was still alive – and that he was a former president.
President Bush took time out from his busy schedule of accepting cabinet resignations to speak and had kind words to say about President Clinton but, in an uncomfortable moment of political partisanship, couldn’t resist taking a jab at Clinton’s history of sexual peccadilloes.
(Show video of George Bush speaking, saying that Clinton had a “great affection” for the American people).
Well, OK, sure. HALF the people, at least, but, really, was it necessary to bring that up?
President Bush also praised Clinton’s tenacity and stubbornness.
(Show video of President Bush repeating a Clinton staff saying that if President Clinton were the Titanic, the iceberg would have sunk)
President Bush then added that if Clinton were the Titanic and the iceberg were an intern, well, the iceberg would’ve given him a blow.
President Bush’s father, who Clinton defeated in the 1992 election, also spoke and offered praise for his successor’s campaigning skills, calling him a “gifted politician”.
(Show video of George H. W. Bush speaking, saying “Oh, how I hated him” for his political skill.)
(nervous laughter) Ha ha. Uh… that was a joke, right?
(Show video of Jimmy Carter speaking at podium, barely visible above the microphones)
Former President Jimmy Carter also spoke – or, at least, based on the hairstyle and southern accent, someone we believe was former President Jimmy Carter spoke during which time most people in the audience headed for the bathrooms.
Eventually, President Clinton himself addressed the crowd and made a reference to the recent presidential election.
(Show video of Clinton describing himself as “a little red and a little blue.”)
Clinton went on to say not only that but he’s also a little bit country and, yes, at times, a little bit rock and roll.
Officials say the library offers a “warts and all” look at the Clinton presidency. Or, to be more specific, a “herpes and all” look at the Clinton presidency.
The Clinton Library itself is a glass and steel monument to America’s 42nd president containing almost 80 million items from Clinton’s eight years in office – some noticeably crustier than others.
The library has 20,000 square feet of space and includes interactive visitor stations, high-definition television screens- and entire wing devoted to Clinton’s embarrassingly extensive collection of titty magazines.
The Clinton Library now becomes the 12th presidential library in the country and the last new one until – well, probably until sometime after President Bush’s successor leaves office.
November 18, 2004.
Web Posted at: 2:50 pm UTC
So I came into work on Wednesday and found that somebody had busted into my office during the night and stolen a bunch of my stuff. Let me explain first off that my “office” is really the back end of a mobile home set behind the main building where I work. It’s a lovely place, with cheapo wood paneling and rusted siding. It looks like one of those homes in Kansas or somewhere that you see on the news getting wiped out by a twister – and I mean it looks like the home after it was hit by the twister rolled back onto its wheels.
Anyhow, I’m not sure if this was the work of some random homeless person who just happened upon my trailer and found the door open and wandered in or the work of some fiendish group of super villains. Let me present the facts and you can decide:
One (1) pair of newish Altec Lansing PC speakers. Approximate value: $30
Two (2) pairs of headphones. Pair #1 was pretty new (and cheap) and worked reasonably well. Pair #2 was at least five years old, only played sound in one ear, with shredded (and crusty) ear padding. Approximate (combined) value $20.
Total approximate value of items stolen: $50
Items not stolen:
Seven (7) Beatles and Rolling Stones CDs. Approximate value: $35 ($5 per used)
One (1) 17-year-old Technics receiver. Approximate value: $20 (That’s a good deal. It still works fine.)
One (1) Dell Optiplex PC with two 17″ monitors. Approximate value: $200 (I’m lowballing here for dramatic purposes.)
One (1) Apple G4 MacIntosh with two 17″ monitors. Approximate value: $400 (I really don’t know, but it’s worth more than the PC.)
One (1) coffee mug filled with change, probably half quarters. Approximate value: $20 easy.
Total approximate value of items not stolen: a lot more than $50
So, was this the work of some drug or alcohol addled half-wit(s) or the handiwork of a modern day Pink Panther? You make the call.
Nice job, morons. With your shrewd criminal senses, I can see why you’ve chosen a life of crime.
November 17, 2004.
Web Posted at: 10:20 am UTC
Just a Heartbeat Away
In case you missed it, Dr. Evil – er, I mean Vice President Dick Cheney – was in the hospital yet again last weekend, this time for shortness of breath. What to do when a man with chronic heart problems is down? That’s right – make fun of President Bush! This is exactly what I did and it paid off with a joke that David Letterman told on Monday’s Late Show (11/15/04).
Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital over the weekend.
It was pretty scary. For a few minutes, President Bush was actually in charge.
Let this serve as a reminder that George Bush is only a heartbeat away from being in charge! Ha ha ha. Er, uh…. ahem.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 211kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
November 12, 2004.
Web Posted at: 3:15 pm UTC
Rob Cordry Live from Paris
The following is a draft of a report from correspondent Rob Cordry for The Daily Show, updating us on the health of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. I wrote it before he died earlier this week (Arafat that is, not Rob Cordry; we want Rob around a long time).
Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat continues to lie near death in a Paris hospital. While Palestinian authorities are preparing for what seems to be his imminent death, the rest of the world is anxiously waiting for any word on his condition. Our own Rob Cordry is on the scene outside the hospital where Arafat is staying. Rob, what’s the latest?
(we see Rob Cordry standing in front of a building in Paris)
(looks confused) The latest on what, Jon?
Um, the latest on Yasser Arafat. Don’t you have an update for us?
I’m sorry, I’m not sure I know what you mean?
Rob, Yasser Arafat is reportedly in the hospital behind you. We were hoping you could give us an update on how he’s doing.
Who, Arafat? Oh, he’s fine. Why do you ask?
Fine? Um, Rob, there have been reports for days that he’s in a deep coma and that death is imminent. Are you saying that’s not the case?
(laughing) Near death? Oh, no no no. Geez, who told you that? He’s just, uh, a little tired, that’s all.
Rob, that seems to contradict the reports coming from just about every news source in the world.
(scoffing) Come on, Jon! Do you always believe everything you hear on the news?! Next thing you’ll tell me is you believe Bill O’Reilly actually likes to have extra marital phone sex! No, he’s fine, I’m telling you. He’ll be back at work in no time. He just needed to get away from it all and rest, that’s all.
So, you’re telling us that he’s not dying? Then why are Palestinian authorities making burial arrangements?
Jon, that’s classic partisan spin. I thought you said this was a “no spin zone.”. Don’t be so gullible, man! Sheesh.
Rob, this doesn’t make any sense. For weeks now news sources from around the world have been reporting that he’s dying. His wife has even come out and said he’s near death and now you’re telling us…
(interrupting) All right, all right, Jon! You got me, OK? He’s not fine! He’s as dead as Micahel Jackson’s career, all right? Are you happy now?
Wait a minute, Rob. Now you’re telling us he’s already dead?
Yes, yes, you’ve dragged it out of me. He’s dead, OK! Let it go, man.
Rob, this is breaking news. What time did he die exactly?
(looking at watch) Oh, let’s see – about eight years ago.
Hold on now, Rob. First you say there’s nothing wrong with Yasser Arafat and now you’re saying that he’s been dead for eight years? He’s been seen out and about many times over the last eight years. How is that possible?
Come on, Jon. Don’t be so naïve. You’ve seen “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
This is some incredible information you’re giving us here, Rob. If he died eight years ago, why didn’t we already know this and why were you trying to tell us he was fine earlier?
OK look, Jon, this is real hush-hush stuff from intelligence sources but just between you and me the Middle East is a REAL tinderbox. It’s not exactly the bastion of stability and harmony that everybody likes to make it out to be. If an important stabilizing figure like Yasser Arafat were to suddenly die, what do you think that might do to peaceful coexistence between the Israelies and the Palestinians? Use your head, Jon. It’d be chaos! We can’t let that happen. So remember, he’s not dead, he’s just “resting his eyes.” (winks)
OK, Rob. Well, thanks for that update, I guess.
Wait a minute, while we’re on the subject do you want to know about how the Bush Administration reanimated Dick Cheney after he died the last time?
Some other time, Rob. Rob Cordry, ladies and gentlemen.
November 11, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
Happy Veterans Day!
What do Commerce Secretary Don Evans and Janet Jackson have in common? Not a whole lot, I’d wager, other than the fact the each one was the subject of a joke I wrote and David Letterman told on last night’s (Wednesday 11/10) Late Show. That’s right; it was a rare two joke night! One early in the monologue, and one to close it out. Let’s get right to the material:
Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned yesterday.
President Bush was pretty surprised by this – he had no idea we had a Commerce Secretary.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 128kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
The FCC has fined CBS $550,000 for the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl.
This is the most CBS has ever paid for a boob since they hired me.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 214kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
First Ben Roethlisberger comes into my life and now two jokes in one night. Life is good.
November 5, 2004.
Web Posted at: 2:20 pm UTC
Well, for better or worse, Recount 2004 is over!
I was reminded while staying up until the wee hours of the night Tuesday that watching election results on TV is about as exciting as watching an oil based, exterior paint dry on a damp, drizzly day. Actually, it’s even worse because (normally) when you’re watching paint dry you don’t have Larry King sitting next to you trying to relate the drying of the paint to his most recent interview with Liza Minelli. Is it just me or does Larry King look like he should have a set of gills?
Anyhow, it was an odd night. At first, it looked like John Kerry had it in the bag. In fact, it seemed like such a sure thing that I was kicking myself for not being smart enough to pick up some Heinz stock which was sure to skyrocket shortly after President Kerry awarded Heinz the contracts to rebuild Iraq’s condiment infrastructure.
But, then, I switched over to NBC and the reality of the situation began to sink in as I watched Bush’s red column rising up the side of 30 Rockefeller Plaza like it was being powered by Levitra while Kerry’s blue column just hung there pathetically like a large, limp noodle. You really can’t make these things up.
Anyhow, you all know how it came out, with the red states having their way with the blue states the way Michael Moore has his way with a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. But don’t despair too much, you blue-staters. Bush winning is both good news and bad news. On the one hand, it means four more years of George Bush as president. On the other hand, it means four more years of George Bush as president. Know what I mean?
The important thing is we can now all come together as a nation and get back to the important things in life, like ridiculing Martha Stewart.