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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
February 28, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC
He’s Always a Woman to Me

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but – you may want to sit down for this – Michael Jackson is in some sort of legal trouble again. Really, it’s true. Out in California right now he’s on trial again, and last week they completed jury selection (insert your own “How are they going to find a jury of Michael Jackson’s peers?” joke here). When I read the composition of the jury, well, it really was a joke that wrote itself. So, I fired that off to David Letterman, and he kindly closed out his monologue on Thursday’s Late Show (2/24/05) with said joke.

Yesterday in California they officially picked the jury for the Michael Jackson case.

The jury is about 2/3 female and 60 percent white – just like Michael Jackson.

Oh Michael, what did we joke writers do to deserve you?

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 257kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 22, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 2:15 pm UTC
Hail to the Chiefs

Another President’s Day has come and gone and, I don’t know about you, but I’m now suffering from those post-President’s Day blues. After all that buildup, it just always passes so quickly. I chose to mark the big day this year by writing a few president and President’s Day-related jokes, two of which were recently used on the Late Show with David Letterman. The first one was told by Dave to close out Friday’s monologue (2/18/05):

The Post Office introduced a Ronald Reagan stamp this week and said they’ve already printed 170 million of them.

I believe that will make Reagan the most licked president since – Bill Clinton.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 265kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Dave told the second one to open Monday’s monologue (2/21/05):

Everybody here in New York is in the President’s Day spirit.

On my way to work today my cab driver was wearing a stovepipe turban.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 194kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Note to prospective Late Show monologue joke writers: Dave loves jokes about (1) Bill Clinton and (2) cab drivers’ turbans. You can never go wrong writing jokes on those subjects.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 17, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 11:55 am UTC
Smell

Is it bad if my feet smell and my shoes are still on?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 11, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC
Iran (So Far Away)

For those who missed it, our brand spanking new Secretary of State Condoleezza “The Hammer” Rice laid down the law to those pesky Iranians this week about the whole nuclear weapons thing. Condi dipped deep into her vat of tact and told those people in a gentle yet firm way that they’d better shape up and quit with the nuclear stuff, pronto, or else! Naturally, in addition to being extremely attracted to a woman who’s not afraid to rattle a few sabers, I was inspired to write a joke about it. David Letterman told it on last night’s Late Show (2/10/05).

Yesterday Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran to stop its nuclear program or face the next step.

I believe now the next step now would be the “fabrication of the evidence.”

Shouldn’t be long now before we’re pulling the top Iranian leaders out of spider holes.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 196kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 6, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
Denture Malfunction

For those who know me, you know my two favorite entertainers of all time are the Beatles and David Letterman. So, when I heard that Paul McCartney would be playing the half time show at the Super Bowl, I felt a divine calling to merge the two. After the fiasco that was the half time show at last year’s big game (and by fiasco I mean Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction and not the fact that we were all forced to listen to Justin Timberlake sing), it wasn’t hard to come up with a joke. Dave closed his monologue on Friday’s Late Show (2/4/05) with the following joke that I wrote:

Paul McCartney is performing during half time of the Super Bowl this year.

The only thing that’s likely to pop out during his performance are his teeth.

I still think old Paul is a musical genius, but he deserves that for changing the Beatle song credits to¬† “McCartney/Lennon.” This one was for John!

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 99kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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February 4, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 4:00 pm UTC
Standing Up

I’ve once again decided to venture out into the bizarre world of stand up comedy. A few years back I dabbled in it, but stopped once baby number two came along. Now I’m at it again. Why, I’m not sure. One of the strangest things you can ever do in life is haul your ass out at night to a strange bar in a strange neighborhood and stand in front of three (or fewer) actual customers and ten other wanna be stand up comics and try to make them laugh. It takes a special as of yet unidentified genetic defect to not only do that but to actually want and need to do that.

Anyhow, if you like checking out open mike comedy nights in the Boston area, perhaps you’ll catch my act, such as it is. Here are some hints to identify me:

I’m male

I’m taller than 5′, but shorter than 7′

I wear shoes (or sneakers)

For twenty years now many people (including one particularly skeevy homeless dude in Harvard Square recently) have told me I look a lot like David Letterman

I’m not David Letterman

If you spot me at a show and introduce yourself, you’ll get a hearty hello and an “Atta boy/girl!”

Perhaps I’ll start posting a schedule of my stand up performances on this site if I keep at it for a while. Or not. Either way.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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