Get Email Updates

By FeedBlitz
Feeds


Add to Google
Subscribe in Bloglines
Search Me
Archives
November 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
February 2010
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000
November 2000
October 2000
September 2000
August 2000
July 2000
June 2000
May 2000
April 2000
March 2000
February 2000
January 2000
December 1999
November 1999
October 1999
September 1999
August 1999
July 1998

Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
March 30, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 9:10 am UTC
Oops, She’s Ruined Her Life!

Don’t know if you’ve heard, but the word on the street is that Britney Spears is pregnant. Apparently she’s cut back on the drinking binges to once a week and that’s raising some eyebrows. Well, that and the fact that her rear end is now looking a little too much like J. Lo’s. Anyhow, what better way to celebrate the happy event than by writing a joke about it for late night TV? Dave Letterman told the following joke I wrote on Tuesday’s Late Show (3/29/05).

There are rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant.

If that’s true, you know what it means: she’s lip-syncing for two now.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 146kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Not only that, but her doctor has ordered her to refrain from any drunken, weekend marriages for the next nine months. Keep it coming, Brit!

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
March 24, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 9:45 am UTC
Topical Joke Writing 101

So you want to be a late night talk show host freelance monologue joke writer? Well, you are certainly shooting for the stars, my friend. Only a few can achieve the lofty goals of making a cool three to four figures per year writing topical jokes for the big boys. But if that is your dream, well, then pay attention because here’s a quick primer in topical joke writing.

Yesterday afternoon I’m on my way to pick up some lunch, trying to think of a punch line to the following set up:

Scientists at MIT have developed an alarm clock that runs away and hides after it goes off.

Now, I wasn’t having much luck here. The story itself sounds funny, sure, but how could I twist it around by relating it to something else even funnier? Let’s see, something about making Americans exercise by chasing this stupid clock around each morning? No. Something about why don’t those MIT geniuses use their brainpower for something more constructive, oh I don’t, constructive? Weak and obvious. Nothing was working.

But then I realized that my brain kept repeating the following words: the clock runs away and hides!

Then, like the red sea parting, my brain cleared and the punch line revealed itself unto me.

It’s based on technology developed by the French military.

Yes, life is good when He chooses to bless you with such material, not to mention a pretty tasty cheeseburger sub not long after.

Oh, yes, and for those wondering, this joke was submitted to a certain late night network talk show but not used. Maybe this isn’t the greatest lesson with which to begin the class.

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
March 18, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 3:40 pm UTC
Pantless

It’s been a long cold winter here in the northeastern United States. But we’ve now gone six days with no new snow and maybe, just maybe, spring is coming. I’m so desperate for it that when I read it would be 45 degrees and sunny today I decided to go to work pantless. I know, I know, it’s crazy – usually I wait until May to do that.

I’m sure you’re all well aware that old Martha Stewart is back on the streets. Well, not back on the streets so much as “confined” to her at luxurious farm estate. I don’t know about you but, I, for one, feel a little less safe knowing that she’s once again (almost) free. Wouldn’t it be nice if she struck up a cozy relationship with also recently freed Robert Blake, if you catch my drift?

As I always, I’m busy writing monologue jokes for the Late Show with David Letterman. I’ve also recently begun writing monologue jokes for another well known late night talk show. I shouldn’t give details until – and if – they actually use one of my jokes on air, but let’s just say the show is on right after Dave’s on the same network. You do the math. Keep checking back for a more formal announcement.

Stay cool, my honey-bunnies.

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
March 4, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 11:20 am UTC
Mad Dog Martha

Lock your doors and count your kids because Martha Stewart is once again on the streets! That’s right, our favorite ex-con/domestic diva has done her time in the hoosegow and was released late last night. What better way to celebrate, I thought, than to write another joke in her honor? Dave Letterman told the following joke I wrote about Martha’s last days in captivity on last night’s Late Show (3/3/05).

Martha Stewart apparently has a lot of things to work out before she’s released from prison this weekend.

For example, how much do you tip a warden?

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 266kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

By my count, this makes six Martha Stewart jokes I’ve sold to Dave and there was even one that Jay Leno used way back when it all started. God, I love that woman.

-Chum    [link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!
Follow chumworth on Twitter