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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
May 17, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 12:15 pm UTC
Saddam + Martha = $$$$

America’s favorite incarcerated dictator, Saddam Hussein, is reportedly working on writing a book of his memoirs. Why the heck not? He’s got to pass the time in the clink somehow. Naturally, this begs comparison to America’s former favorite incarcerated dictator Martha Stewart. See how I weaved the two together for all eternity in the following joke that David Letterman told on Monday’s Late Show (5/16/05).

Saddam Hussein is writing a book of his memoirs.

I believe he’s the first jailed dictator to write a book since Martha Stewart.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 233kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Come to think of it, this isn’t the first time Saddam and Martha have crossed paths in my jokes. How about these:

From the Late Show 5/28/04 (Hear it here format: MP3, size: 248kb)

Over in Iraq CIA interrogators say that Saddam Hussein has not been talking and that he’s obsessed with hygiene and careful food preparation.

No, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Martha Stewart.

From The Tonight Show 7/24/03

Saddam Hussein’s sons Uday and Qusay were killed by U.S. troops on Tuesday.

With them dead, that means the U.S. can focus on getting the biggest fish of all: Martha Stewart.

Lunch is on Saddam and Martha! Thanks, you two crazy, power hungry goofballs.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 9, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 3:50 pm UTC
The Pope and the Cable Guy

So you want to be the pope, aye? Think it’s all fun and games and gold chalices and incense and whatnot, huh? Well, sure, it does have its small perks, like a guaranteed spot in heaven. But it ain’t all gravy, people! He’s got a lot of the same problems as you and me. Don’t fool yourself. Consider this joke I wrote that David Letterman told on Friday’s Late Show (5/6/05).

Pope Benedict XVI officially moved into the papal apartments this weekend.Today he spent the entire day waiting for the cable guy.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 128kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Apparently, even sitting on the throne of Peter can’t get Comcast to narrow their arrival time window to something shorter than four hours. Crazy, huh?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 6, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 10:00 am UTC
Cinco de My-Joko

Hey, who says the war in Iraq isn’t going well? It’s all about having a positive attitude, people! Consider the upbeat attitude of Iraq’s new president Jalal Talabani. He seems to think U.S. troops won’t be there much longer. I’m not sure how qualified this guy is to be president or anything, but he sure writes a swell punch line set up. David Letterman told the following joke I wrote on Thursday’s Late Show (5/5/05).

The newly elected president of Iraq said that he expects U.S. troops will leave the country within two years.

The bad news is they’ll be next door in Iran.

I’m not sure the crowd liked this one much. That what I always angle for: uncomfortable, nervous laughter!

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 119kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Call me strange, but if I was voting in Iraq, I might’ve stayed away from the guy whose name sounds a little too much like Taliban. Just a thought.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 4, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
Most Wanted Lunchmeat

Things in Iraq may not be going too swimmingly lately, but the war on another front has taken a turn for the better. We’re winning the war on illegal lunchmeat! Consider this true story and punch line that I wrote and David Letterman told on Tuesday’s Late Show (5/3/05):

U.S. customs agents arrested a man for trying to smuggle 800 pounds of bologna from Mexico.

President Bush said that this proves we’re winning the war against deli meat.

Bologna smugglers beware!

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 238kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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May 3, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 7:30 pm UTC
Shuttlebut

The following is another sample news bit for The Daily Show that I wrote for a submission I’m working on for the show. Usual disclaimer: I am not a writer for The Daily Show. I am, however, a freelance contributor to the Late Show with David Letterman. How do you dig them apples, biatch?

JON STEWART
Next month NASA is planning to launch the space shuttle Discovery, the first shuttle flight since the Columbia disaster more than two years ago. This week the New York Times obtained internal documents that suggest that the space agency has lowered its standards of acceptable risk in order to return to space quickly. Joining me to discuss whether NASA is putting astronauts’ lives at risk is senior Daily Show Space Shuttle correspondent, Ed Helms. Ed, thanks for joining us.

ED HELMS
Glad to be here, Jon.

JON
Ed, what’s your take on this? Is NASA rushing things here, at the expense of safety?

ED
Absolutely not, Jon. Let’s remember first that the space shuttle is based on 1970′s technology, a decade in which America’s finest scientists and engineers gave us eight track tapes, Three Mile Island and toxic shock syndrome.

JON
(pause) I don’t get it. Is that supposed to make us feel better?

ED
Absolutely, Jon. My point here is that America’s brainiest people screwed a lot of things up in the 1970′s. Sooner or later the odds say they were due to design something that would actually work. That thing was the space shuttle.

JON
Um, but we’ve already lost two shuttles in just over 100 missions. I’m not a rocket scientist but that doesn’t sound like a good track record. How do you explain that?

ED
Margin of error, Jon. Gremlins. Sun spots. That sort of thing.

JON
Ok, well, let’s discuss these internal documents uncovered by the New York Times. They seem to present some pretty damning evidence that NASA is lowering the level of acceptable risk to get the shuttle back into space quickly. What’s your take on these documents?

ED
Jon, if you actually read the documents, it’s quite clear that all NASA has done is go from an acceptable rate of failure of 3-sigma to an acceptable rate of failure of 2-sigma. That’s a difference of just one sigma. No big deal there.

JON
I see. In layman’s terms, what does that mean, exactly?

ED
I have no idea, Jon. However, here at the Daily Show we hired a special independent blue ribbon panel of nerds to evaluate the documents and they say it’s all cool.

JON
You hired some nerds?

ED
That’s right, Jon. We assembled a panel some of the finest nerds that comic books and roll playing games could buy. And then, of course, when they were done we beat them up and stole their lunch money.

JON
Ok, well, that’s odd. But Ed, I don’t understand. These new documents say that NASA is no longer certifying that the shuttle can withstand a worst-case scenario. It seems clear that NASA has redefined their goals to support their decision to go back into space. Isn’t that true?

ED
Dude, you are such a buzzkill. Don’t you want us to go back into space?

JON
Well, I do support the space program, but not if we’re going to take unacceptable risks with the lives of our astronauts. I’m just trying to understand whether NASA‚Ķ

ED
Oh, I get it. The wife didn’t put out last night did she?

JON
Ok, that’s enough. Thanks for the report, Ed.

ED
If you’re hard up, I know this place in Chinatown that can take care of that for you after the show.

JON
Ed Helms, ladies and gentlemen.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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