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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
September 30, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 3:30 pm UTC
Weak-end Update

Well, if it’s the last day of the month it must be time for my monthly web site update! Let’s get right down to the updatin’.

Earlier this month I “tried out” for a job writing freelance jokes for Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update. The “try out” involved writing fifteen jokes (no more than that or your submission would be ignored!) on recent news stories.

Naturally, I went right to work, burning the midnight oil, the candle at both ends and just about every bridge I’d ever crossed to whip up fifteen individual comedic gems, each one special and brilliant and funny and memorable in it’s own way. Over a ten day period I wrote and rewrote and tweaked and fondled each word and set up and punch line so as to present the powers that be at SNL with a submission so powerful, so perfect, so much in the voice of the show that they would have no choice but to hand the writing reigns for Weekend Update over to me lock, stock and barrel. If ever there were a sure thing, this would be it. Soon my joke writing skills would extend beyond the confining walls of Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays to the high humor heights of Saturday nights!

As I sent off my submission, I was feeling good. I was feeling cocky. I was feeling queasy (damn Mexican food). The new freelance money was already spent. My resume was already updated. I was already wondering if it was time to move on from the show. Life was good.

I didn’t get the job.

It was just one more swift kick to the swollen gonads that are my comedy writing career.

But hey, on the plus side I’m free to post these jokes to my web site for all of my readers to enjoy. So, here they are. Enjoy, all four of you!

On Monday Los Angeles experienced a 4-hour blackout. Luckily there were no injuries but LA still has no idea how it woke up in bed with San Francisco.

Democratic members of the House criticized President Bush this week saying that he is “in denial” for defending FEMA director Michael Brown, to which President Bush replied “Heck, I’ve never even been to Egypt.”

Three chimpanzees were shot and killed after they escaped from a zoo in Nebraska. PETA has lodged a complained saying that it was cruel and unnecessary to make chimps live in Nebraska.

A federal grand jury in Atlanta indicted a Milwaukee man on charges that he stole at least 92,000 dollars from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. In his defense the man said, “But that was my wish.”

The death of Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist means that President Bush now has another opening on the Supreme Court to fill. Aides say he’s committed to considering a diverse range of potential nominees before he picks another conservative white guy.

Actress Renee Zellweger and country singer Kenny Chesney are seeking an annulment after only five months of marriage. Apparently she decided to seek an annulment once she could finally see what he looked like (show picture of Zellweger with her usual squinty eyes looking closed).

Guy Ritchie revealed that he and Madonna sometimes sleep in separate rooms, because she can’t stand his snoring and he can’t stand her.

This week marked the opening of Hong Kong Disneyland, which was celebrated with fireworks, Chinese lion dancers and free samples of steamed Goofy.

Rap mogul Suge Knight was released from the hospital this week after being shot in the leg at an MTV Video Music awards party. His doctors have advised him to take it easy, get lots of rest and not to attend this year’s Vibe Awards.

A father and son hijacked a Columbian airliner this week after they apparently became angry when they didn’t get their complimentary in-flight blow.

In a statement Wednesday about the government’s response in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina President Bush said, “To the extent the federal government didn’t fully do its job right, I take responsibility – NOT!”

A Queens, New York assistant principal who forced a dozen Haitian students to eat their lunch off the cafeteria floor while calling them “animals” has been demoted. On the plus side, the students said the food tasted better that way.

NASA scientists say the collision of the Deep Impact spacecraft with comet Tempel 1 last July taught them that comets are just dust balls held together by gravity and that women aren’t interested in guys who study comets.

Matt Damon and his girlfriend, Luciana Barroso, announced this week that they’ve gotten engaged. Matt has already asked his friend Ben Affleck to be the embarrassingly drunken best man.

This week actor Bob Denver, best known for his role as Gilligan, died at the age of 70 after a long battle trying to convince people he wasn’t gay.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 1, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 1:45 pm UTC
America’s Next Supreme Court Justice

Hey! Time for a new web site post!

You may be aware that Stephen Colbert from The Daily Show will soon have his own show on Comedy Central, called The Colbert Report, a half-hour parody of shows like The O’Reilly Factor and Scarborough Country that will follow TDS four nights a week. As a comedy writer a new comedy show means one thing: new full time comedy writing jobs! So, naturally, in a desperate attempt to get hired I got on the horn and, begged, pleaded and groveled for a chance – please god just a chance! – and got to throw a writing submission their way.

Last week I got a call from the show to let me know that – drum roll, please – I was, indeed, not going to be hired! However, they did like my submission and wanted to buy one of my show segment ideas. So, some of my work my make it on the show (no guarantees) when it debuts on 10/17. If the show does well and gets picked up past December, well-hell, then they just may need a few more writers and who knows what could happen. My nipples are getting hard.

Anyhow, stay tuned to find out if it does. In the meantime, here’s another piece from that submission packet (not the one they bought).

STEPHEN COLBERT

Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse in this summer of record gas prices, terrorist attacks and “Dancing with the Stars” Americans are now forced to endure yet another annoying and sickening event: the picking of a new Supreme Court justice.

Apparently worn out from 24 years of legislating from the bench and choosing presidents, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor recently announced her retirement from the bench. Her retirement will bring the usual things: contentious confirmation hearings, extremist rhetoric from both sides and, of course, a Playboy pictorial.

For the first time in his presidency George Bush has an opportunity to leave a lasting legacy that doesn’t involve body bags. Along the way Americans will be forced to endure a process that’s the equivalent of one long national proctologic exam. It’s a process that’s sure to be unpleasant, needlessly drawn out and extremely unpopular, kind of like “War of the Worlds.”

Why, I wonder, in this age of democracy-spreading are we still leaving such important decisions up to a single person, in this case a guy who was once almost taken out by some salted snack food? After all, this is the same process that gave us pubic hair guy as a Supreme Court justice.

CUT TO PICTURE OF CLARENCE THOMAS, THEN BACK TO SC

SC

Isn’t there a better, more TV-friendly way to pick a Supreme Court justice? Thankfully, I have come up with such a plan that I’d like to share with you tonight. But first, let’s review the current nomination and confirmation process:

CUT TO A BLANK SCREEN WITH THE TITLE “CHOOSING A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE 101″

SC

(voice-over) First, President Bush consults with many different advisers such as…

A GRAPHIC OF THE WHITE HOUSE APPEARS IN THE UPPER CENTER OF THE SCREEN, WITH A GRAPHIC OF A PLUS SIGN UNDERNEATH IT

SC

(voice-over) …members of Congress…

A GRAPHIC OF THE CAPITOL BUILDING APPEARS BELOW TO THE LEFT OF THE WHITE HOUSE

SC

(voice-over) …his cabinet…

A GRAPHIC OF A CHEST OF DRAWERS APPEARS TO THE RIGHT OF THE CAPITOL BUILDING

SC

(voice-over) …and, of course, his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

A GRAPHIC OF JESUS CHRIST APPEARS TO THE RIGHT OF THE CHEST OF DRAWERS

SC

(voice-over) After careful deliberations the president then chooses as his nominee whatever middle aged white guy that Vice President Cheney tells him to nominate.

A GRAPHIC OF A PLUS APPEARS BELOW THE PREVIOUS GRAPHICS. UNDERNEATH THAT A GRAPHIC DARTH VADER APPEARS. UNDERNEATH THAT APPEARS A GRAPHIC OF AN EQUAL SIGN AND UNDERNEATH THAT APPEARS A GRAPHIC OF A TOMBSTONE WITH THE INSCRIPTION “R.I.P ROE V. WADE”

SC

Next comes a series of hearings in the Senate, which often look something like this:

CUT TO A CLIP FROM THE CAFETERIA FOOD FIGHT SCENE IN “ANIMAL HOUSE”

SC

And, finally, the full Senate either confirms or denies the nomination, in a scene that looks something like this:

CUT TO A CLIP FROM THE MEG RYAN ORGASM SCENE IN “WHEN HARRY MET SALLY” THEN CUT BACK TO SC

SC

Ooops, I’m sorry. That’s how a bill becomes a law.

My point is there are few processes in American government more silly, undemocratic and downright “Jackass”-like than the way we pick a Supreme Court justice. But I say there’s a better way – a reality show! If we can trust the American people to pick the next American idol then why not use it to pick our next Supreme Court justice? Let’s take 16 of America’s hottest judges and make them compete in challenges like debating the abortion issue or eating pig testicles and let the people choose. And to those who say the American people aren’t smart enough to make such an important decision, I have three words: President Al Gore.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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