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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
November 30, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC
Try Try Again

Sometimes I write a joke for David Letterman that I think is a sure-fire, can’t miss winner. There’s no way Dave won’t use this one! Naturally, that attitude pretty much jinxes the deal and the joke goes unused. Sometimes, however, I will cling to a joke like grim death and I’ll land up resubmitting it in the future, if given the chance.

Last year when Pedro Martinez signed as a free agent with the New York Mets I wrote what I thought was one of those can’t miss prospects, but Dave didn’t bite. This week, though, when I read that star relief pitcher Billy Wagner had signed with the Mets well, I thought of that joke I wrote for Pedro and changed the player’s name and tried again. Well, the stars were properly aligned this time, because Dave used it on Tuesday’s Late Show (11/29).

Relief pitcher Billy Wagner has agreed to sign a deal with the Mets.

The deal is pending a physical – so he can have his head examined.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 206kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

So the lesson is, as always – anybody? That’s right – always wash your hands after you go potty! Oh yeah, and if at first you don’t succeed, blah blah blah.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 17, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 1:25 pm UTC
A Quick One

For those who don’t know, President Bush is currently in Asia for an eight day trip to four countries.

Need I say more?

Senor Letterman took a joke I submitted about the trip, shortened it up and told it on Wednesday’s Late Show (11/16). Perhaps you night owls caught it:

President Bush is on an eight-day tour of Asia.

He’s visiting American jobs.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 87kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Zing! That makes at least two straight jokes that have no mention of Martha Stewart. I kind of miss the old bird.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 16, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 pm UTC
You Say Usama, I Say Osama

Here in the United States we have a long tradition of embarrassingly dysfunctional presidential siblings. Recent examples include Billy Carter, Roger Clinton and, of course, George W. Bush – whoops! I guess in George W. Bush’s case the embarrassingly dysfunctional sibling is actually the president. But you get the idea.

Anyway, it seems this tradition also extends to leaders of other well known organizations, like al Qaeda. Apparently Osama bin Laden has a brother who’s gotten himself into a little hot water over in France. Naturally, this can’t sit too well with OBL who, let’s face it, has a certain appearance and reputation to keep up. It does, however, make for great late night talk show joke material.

David Letterman told the following joke I wrote about it on Tuesday’s Late Show (11/15/05):

Osama bin Laden’s brother is under investigation in France for money laundering.

This is the kind of thing that could give the bin Laden family a bad name.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 204kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out a way to relate this story to Martha Stewart. Oh well.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 8, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 2:45 pm UTC
It’s Raining Again

You know that saying “When it rains it pours“? Well, let’s just say that my freelance joke writing biz is currently the comedy equivalent of a Nor’easter. After several quiet months, it appears that David Letterman is once again reading the freelancer jokes. After three jokes in October, November has started in a similar fashion, with Dave telling the following joke I wrote on Monday’s (11/7) Late Show.

Tomorrow here in New York City is Election Day.

Mayor Bloomberg is so confident about being reelected that earlier today he called Florida and cancelled the crooked voting machines.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 149kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

By the by, I hope everybody’s watching The Colbert Report on Comedy Central, which airs just after The Daily Show Monday through Thursday. Yours truly sold the show a bit of comedy that may (or may not) actually make it on air. If it does, I’ll be sure to toot my own horn (pathetic, I know) and let you know.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 6, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 3:20 pm UTC
Bernanke in the Buff

A few weeks back our one and only President George W. Bush announced his nomination to replace outgoing Chairman of the Federal Reserve – and, might I say, all-around dude – Alan Greenspan. Bush’s pick was Princeton economist Ben Bernanke. In the wake of the Harriet Miers debacle, I think we were all somewhat impressed that he actually managed to pick somebody who seems to have some relevant job experience. Naturally, this led to another joke that wrote itself which I submitted to David Letterman and which he told on the Late Show on 10/26/05.

Yesterday President Bush nominated former Princeton economist Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Apparently Bush is trying out a new strategy – qualified people.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 266kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

As you’ll hear if you listen to the audio, the joke didn’t exactly “kill.” But hey, a hit’s a hit.

By the way, this joke is dedicated to a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, who’s actually seen Ben Bernanke in his birthday suit. That’s right, naked as a jay bird. You know who you are. This one’s for you, pal!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 2, 2005.
  Web Posted at: 1:30 pm UTC
Check it Out

Nothing beats the end of daylight savings time and the beginning of a long, dark, suicide-inducing winter in the northeastern United States. Nothing, that is, except a coming home from a long day of work to find a check from World Wide Pants incorporated, as payment for David Letterman telling a joke you wrote for the Late Show. Oh sure, eight months of absolute darkness, bone-chilling cold and life-threatening driving conditions are fun, but so is writing reams of jokes each day in the pathetic hope that maybe, just maybe, one will be used on air. Nothing beats working essentially for free!

But anyways, lightening did indeed strike again recently when Dave told the following joke that I wrote on the Late Show back on October 18.

We’re still waiting for the results of the Iraqi election. The Sunnis are saying the vote was rigged.

I guess they really are getting an American style democracy.

Get it? See, some people think that 2000 presidential vote was rigged just because George Bush‘s brother Jeb (yes, his name really is Jeb) was the Governor of Florida and, well, ok you probably get it.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 175kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Ok, time to go raid the kids’ candy stashes…

-Chum    [link | comment]

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