March 30, 2006.
Get Out the Umbrella
When it rains, as they always say, it pours. And for a lowly freelance late night talk show monologue joke writer two jokes in three days is a veritable downpour. Behold, David Letterman told another one of my jokes on Wednesday’s Late Show (3/29/06). And, oh yes, once again it involves everybody’s favorite doofus chief executive.
Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun.
President Bush said the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 125kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
Let’s see, thirty four more months (or so) of George Bush as president? Hmmmmmm, talk about being torn between two lovers…
March 28, 2006.
Let’s be honest: life doesn’t always go our way; it’s full of little and not so little disappointments. We can’t all be rich; Brad and Jen can’t stay together forever; we can’t all get that butt lift that we REALLY want because our wives won’t go for it, etc. The important thing to do when life chucks a little chin music at us is to get up, dust ourselves off and make a little lemonade out of them lemons. So even though we can’t always have the most qualified, competent person as president, we can always at least make a few jokes at his (or her – Hillary, I’m talking to you) expense.
That’s exactly what I did the other day when I wrote a joke about George Bush that David Letterman told on the Late Show Monday night (3/27/06). Here’s what I wrote:
We learned last week that when Dick Cheney travels he has to have a “downtime suite,” where he can relax and take it easy.
President Bush also has a “downtime suite” – it’s called the Oval Office.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 272kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
File this one under “Wrote Itself.”
March 15, 2006.
Bump in the Road
Things have been going so smoothly for President Bush these last five years or so that you just knew something bad was bound to happen sooner or later. Sure enough, last week it happened: one of his “advisers” (you gotta use that term loosely when you’re talking about W) was busted for making fraudulent returns to a department store. So, I guess this means the end of Camelot II. Of course, embarrassing news for the president is always good news for us late night talk show joke writers.
Dave Letterman told the following joke I wrote on Tuesday’s Late Show (3/14/06):
President Bush’s former domestic policy adviser Claude Allen was charged with defrauding a department store.
President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 293kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.
Those of you with a keen memory will notice that this joke is suspiciously similar to one I wrote that Dave told way back on November 11, 2004:
Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned yesterday.
President Bush was pretty surprised by this – he had no idea we had a Commerce Secretary.
That’s right, I have now officially plagiarized myself! Guess I’ll be hearing from my lawyer soon.
March 10, 2006.
As you probably noticed, February was a quiet month for joke sales. Let’s hope March is a little more lively!
On the bright side, I recently bought new pants and had a twelve inch piece of plastic tubing removed from deep within my body. Email me if you want more details and you’re not squeamish.
On a less bright side, below is a quickie fake commercial I recently worked up for the radio.
(SFX: street noises, talking)
FEMALE #1: Lisa? You’re smoking again? I thought you were trying to quit?
FEMALE #2: Yes, Susan, I was until I visited QuitResist.com, a web site the tobacco industry has developed to help people resist the constant cravings to quit smoking.
(SFX: person hocking up a good loogie and spitting)
FEMALE #1: How do they do that?
FEMALE #2: By reminding us why we took up smoking in the first place: because it’s relaxing and it keeps you thin.
FEMALE #1: Plus it makes you look cool!
(SFX: more spitting)
FEMALE #2: That’s right, Susan. I… (SFX: cough)… excuse me.
(SFX: extreme coughing and hacking, followed by spitting)
FEMALE #2: Plus the frequent expectoration helps to keep my lungs clear.
(SFX: person snorting phlegm)
FEMALE #1: I’ve been having the urge to quit smoking lately, too. I think I’ll check out QuitResist.com.
FEMALE #2: You won’t regret it. By the way, I love your skirt…(SFX: cough)… excuse me again.
(SFX: More coughing, hacking and spitting)
ANN: Brought to you by the American Tobacco Industry. You have the rest of your life to quit smoking – what’s the hurry?