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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 25, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 5:11 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 6/19/06

The following are some of the jokes that I submitted to the Late Show during the week of June 19, 2006, but which were rejected.

Yesterday the Senate voted down a bill to raise the minimum wage.

So, more bad news for Nick Lachey.

Earlier today at the U.S. was officially eliminated from the World Cup after losing to Ghana.

Like most Americans I was completely shocked: I had no idea we were in the World Cup.

Earlier today at the World Cup the Ghana beat the U.S.

More good news for the Ghana team: after the match three players were adopted by Angelina Jolie.

Phoenix was recently named the sweatiest city in America.

It replaced last year’s most sweaty city, which was wherever Michael Moore took his summer vacation.

The bad news about it being summer is that it’s officially tourist season here in New York City.

The good news is summer is the time all the rats go to the Hamptons.

Congratulations to the Miami Heat who won the NBA title last night.

The Heat are an exciting team filled with talented young stars who’ll someday be overpriced has-beens with the Knicks.

President Bush said this week that we will not prematurely withdraw from Iraq.

I believe the last president to withdraw prematurely was – Clinton.

Yesterday NASA named Pamela Ann Melroy to be the second woman shuttle commander on a flight next year.

She’ll be the second woman to command a shuttle flight – at least from the front seat.

Scientists announced this week that they’ve been able to make paralyzed rats walk.

Talk about a dream come true!

President Bush is going to Europe tomorrow for a summit with European leaders.

He spent all day today brushing up on his European.

North Korea has developed a long range ballistic missile.

The bad news is the missile could reach California. The good news is it would pretty much solve our illegal immigrant problem.

North Korea developed a long range ballistic missile that could reach California.

Today President Bush called it the single biggest threat facing the citizens of Mexico.

A showdown between the U.S. and North Korea could be scary.

After all, one country is led by a crazy guy who wasn’t democratically elected and the other country is North Korea.

China announced this week that they plan to put a man on the moon by 2024.

That’s right, they say they’ll put a man on the moon by 2024 – and they say he won’t be carrying more than $20 in cash.

I’m wearing my Father’s Day present from Harry. Can you tell what it is?

That’s right – he got me a new toupee.

My son Harry served me breakfast in bed for Father’s Day.

He brought me my cereal, my newspaper and my teeth.

President Bush was in town today to speak at the Merchant Marine Academy graduation.

It was a lot like his trip to Baghdad last week: it was very short, security was really tight and he couldn’t speak the language.

Over at the World Cup this weekend the U.S. team tied Italy.

So here’s what the U.S. needs to move on to round two: we have to beat Ghana on Thursday, Italy has to beat the Czech Republic and the goal differential – ahh, who cares?

Celebrity birthdays: Paul McCartney turned 64 yesterday.

The bad news is he’s getting divorced. The good news is he’s now rich enough and old enough for Anna Nicole Smith.

It’s been really hot and steamy here in New York City.

Here’s how hot and steamy it is: earlier today over on Fifth Avenue I saw a bunch of rats bust open a fire hydrant.

It’s been really hot and steamy here in New York City.

It was so hot and sweaty today that on my way to work my cab driver sweat through two turbans.

Here’s what I like to do to beat the heat on days like today.

I get a nice big Italian ice from one of those street vendors and I pour it right down my pants.

Last week in Colorado a guy was arrested for getting too close to Dick Cheney.

Don’t kid yourself, it was a dangerous situation; Dick Cheney was this close to shooting the guy.

Last week in Colorado a guy was arrested for getting too close to Dick Cheney.

Earlier today a guy was arrested for getting too close to Condoleezza Rice.

Forbes magazine has ranked Elvis as the top earning dead celebrity.

I’m not sure if this is good news or bad news, but I was number ten on the list.

There’s new information now that Al Qaeda was planning to release poison gas on the New York City subways, but they called it off at the last minute.

Apparently they realized that the subways are already filled with toxic smells, so what’s the point?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 23, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 9:59 am UTC

Hey, what a big week for high temperatures, aye? First the Miami Heat take the NBA title and then this global warming deal decides to kick into high gear. I don’t know about where you live, but here in the Northeastern United States (i.e. nature’s armpit) it’s been a hot and steamy week. The good news is high temperatures and humidity make for easy joke fodder for the late night shows. Witness the double hit I scored on Thursday’s Late Show (6/22/06) when Dave told not one but two heat related jokes that I wrote for him. He included them in a string of “It was so hot today…” one-liners.

It was so hot today here in New York City the Statue of Liberty was wearing a halter top.

It was so hot today that Angelina Jolie adopted an Eskimo.

Click here to hear them live (format: MP3, size: 270kb) or check em out here.

See, Dave likes to tell jokes that incorporate famous NYC landmarks, like Grant’s Tomb, Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum, Times Square, etc. So I thought I’d throw one in about the Statue of Liberty. BLAM! Like shooting fish in a barrel.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 22, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 11:41 am UTC

As some of you know, once upon a time many years ago I spent far too many years studying the sexy science of economics. While I was finally able to break my addiction to that field and eventually stumble into professional topical joke writing, the econ thing has never really gotten out of my blood. Well, this week the worlds of economics and joke writing finally intersected when David Letterman told the following joke I wrote on Wednesday’s Late Show (6/21/06).

President Bush is in Austria today trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade.

Yeah, he has no idea what that means either.

This joke ranks right up there with getting published in Econometrica.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 107kb) or check it out here.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 2:11 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 6/12/06

The following are some of the jokes that I submitted to the Late Show during the week of June 12, 2006, but which were rejected.

We’re learning more and more about the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajir.

Here’s what we now know about him so far: he was born in Egypt, trained in Afghanistan and was recently named one of People magazine’s hottest bachelors.

We learned this week that former President Clinton now makes $350,000 every time he makes a speech.

I believe the only time he pulled down 300 large when he was president was when he bagged Monica.

We learned this week that former President Clinton made $7.5 million in speaking fees last year.

He’s doing so well that he went out and bought Hillary a whole new wardrobe of pants suits.

People magazine has named their list of hottest bachelors.

I made the list this year. I was ranked above Andy Rooney, but below Michael Jackson.

Yesterday President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.

It went so well that today he made another surprise visit to a place you’d never expect to see him: the Oval Office.

Yesterday President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.

He spent a few hours with the troops and then came home. It was just like his National Guard service.

Members of Congress have voted themselves a 2 percent pay increase.

That’s not much. That’ll barely pay for a new pants suit for Hillary.

Bad news: the government says violent crime in the U.S. was way up last year.

Here are the categories with biggest increases: murders, rapes and getting shot by the vice president.

Good news: here in New York City murders were down again last year.

The bad news is today the city laid off ten more chalk outline guys.

Celebrity birthdays: Donald Trump turns 60 today.

He’s got the hair of a much younger man – literally.

A High School student in Virginia recently set a U.S. record by memorizing 10,980 digits of pi.

He said memorizing the numbers took up all of his free time when he wasn’t studying, sleeping or getting the crap beaten out of him.

Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Earlier today he got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush.

Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Here’s the deal: he’ll serve for four years – or until we blow up his ass.

Yesterday at the World Cup the U.S. lost to the Czech Republic.

For those who don’t understand the World Cup here’s the deal: if the World Cup were the NBA, we’d be the Knicks.

Celebrity birthdays: The Olson Twins turn 20 today.

They celebrated by having dinner.

Over in Iraq this weekend they performed an autopsy on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to determine his official cause of death.

They say they’ve narrowed down the cause of death to either the first 500-pound bomb that landed on him or the second 500-pound bomb that landed on him.

The U.S. lost to the Czech Republic today at the World Cup.

The good news is the U.S. soccer team was the largest group of Americans to ever see a World Cup match.

It was 12 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered in Los Angeles.

Gee, I wonder what O.J. was doing 12 years ago today?

It was 12 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered in Los Angeles.

O.J. celebrated quietly – he didn’t kill anyone.

Yesterday here in New York City they had the annual Puerto Rican Day parade.

All the floats were stolen from other parades.

Over in Germany the World Cup is underway.

Here’s why Americans don’t like soccer: too many strange rules, not enough scoring and not enough juiced up freaks.

Over in Germany the World Cup is underway.

I love the World Cup because nothing says exciting like Trinidad and Tobago vs. Paraguay.

Over in Afghanistan security forces stopped a man who was riding a donkey loaded with explosives.

Officials say they haven’t seen an ass that loaded since Patrick Kennedy.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 19, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 1:59 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 6/5/06

The following are some of the jokes that I submitted to the Late Show during the week of June 5, 2006, but which were rejected.

Scientists in Australia say they’ve found 3 billion year-old fossils of microbes.

They say they’re the oldest fossils on earth – other than the cast of “60 Minutes.”

A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad at Burger King.

The problem was she ordered the salad with French dressing.

I got some exciting news today.

On my way to work this morning I found out my cab driver was named the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Yesterday in Iraq U.S. forces killed Al Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

They were able to positively identify the body using pictures from his MySpace account.

Let’s see, so now here are the terror leaders that we’ve either killed or captured: Saddam Hussein, his two sons, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi – yep, I think that’s everybody.

Over in Indonesia Mount Merapi is showing signs it might erupt soon.

Scientists say it could be the biggest thing to blow since – Monica.

The vacancy rates for apartments here in Manhattan is at an all time low.

Here’s how hard it is to find housing in Manhattan: earlier today I realized that the homeless guy outside the theater was Donald Trump.

Billy Preston, the fifth Beatle, died yesterday at the age of 59.

That means now there’s only a couple of fifth Beatles left.

Researchers at Harvard University are going to start cloning human embryos.

That’s what we need – more rich, arrogant jerks.

Today is June 6, 2006 or “666.”

The good news is it looks like the world isn’t going to end before midnight. The bad news is that means we have to finish the show.

Patrick Kennedy returned from rehab this week.

This was his second trip to rehab in a year. The good news is if he relapses again his next trip to rehab is free.

It was 62 years ago today that the D-Day invasion took place.

Those were the days, back when invading a foreign country was fun.

Yesterday in Washington, D.C. a guy jumped the fence at the White House.

When asked if the president was in his office at the time the Secret Service said “Right – like President Bush is going to work on a Sunday!”

Earlier today President Bush announced that he supports a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

He also announced he supports a ban on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Up in Canada officials say 17 people have been arrested for planning to commit a terrorist act.

They were found with guns, electronics equipment and lots of low cost prescription drugs.

Officials in Canada said that they’ve recently thwarted a possible Al Qaeda attack.

It was part of Al Qaeda’s plan to disrupt the world’s supply of low cost Viagra.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl last week in Africa.

Doctors say Angelina is doing well but it’ll be a few months before she’ll be ready to start breaking up marriages again.

Over in Germany the World Cup started today.

Here’s the deal on the World Cup: 64 games, 32 teams, one champion and zero Americans who give a crap.

Over in Germany the World Cup started today.

Here’s how tight the security is: the German army has secured Poland.

There’s a new video out that shows O.J. Simpson having sex with two women.

O.J. denies that it’s him in the video which seems plausible because the guy in the video doesn’t kill anybody.

Archaeologists in Rome recently discovered the remains of a 3,000 year-old woman.

They said it’s an extremely rare find, because Joan Rivers never goes to Europe.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 12, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 10:52 am UTC
Digging for Gold

So, for those who don’t know, there’s this woman named Anna Nicole Smith who used to be a stripper and a Playboy model. A few years back she met the man of her dreams in a strip club – a 90 year-old oil tycoon – and not long after they were married. A true fairy tale ending, if ever there was one, except that the “ever after” part only lasted a year or two before the old geezer dropped deader than Abraham Lincoln. Since then, she’s been in a protracted legal battle with his children from an earlier marriage – divorce is always hardest on the kids, ain’t it? – over his billions of dollars. So, with all that build up, when she announced last week that she was pregnant you didn’t have to be a professional late night talk show monologue joke writer to come up with the obvious punch line.

However, it helps to actually have the outlet of a late night talk show so people can hear your joke on TV. This is what happened when my hero David Letterman told the following joke I wrote about this on last Friday’s Late Show (6/9/06).

Anna Nicole Smith announced last week that she’s pregnant.

You know what that means: she’s gold digging for two now.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 69kb) or check it out here.

This one didn’t exactly kill. But that’s comedy for you.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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