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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 19, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 1:59 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 6/5/06

The following are some of the jokes that I submitted to the Late Show during the week of June 5, 2006, but which were rejected.

Scientists in Australia say they’ve found 3 billion year-old fossils of microbes.

They say they’re the oldest fossils on earth – other than the cast of “60 Minutes.”

A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad at Burger King.

The problem was she ordered the salad with French dressing.

I got some exciting news today.

On my way to work this morning I found out my cab driver was named the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Yesterday in Iraq U.S. forces killed Al Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

They were able to positively identify the body using pictures from his MySpace account.

Let’s see, so now here are the terror leaders that we’ve either killed or captured: Saddam Hussein, his two sons, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi – yep, I think that’s everybody.

Over in Indonesia Mount Merapi is showing signs it might erupt soon.

Scientists say it could be the biggest thing to blow since – Monica.

The vacancy rates for apartments here in Manhattan is at an all time low.

Here’s how hard it is to find housing in Manhattan: earlier today I realized that the homeless guy outside the theater was Donald Trump.

Billy Preston, the fifth Beatle, died yesterday at the age of 59.

That means now there’s only a couple of fifth Beatles left.

Researchers at Harvard University are going to start cloning human embryos.

That’s what we need – more rich, arrogant jerks.

Today is June 6, 2006 or “666.”

The good news is it looks like the world isn’t going to end before midnight. The bad news is that means we have to finish the show.

Patrick Kennedy returned from rehab this week.

This was his second trip to rehab in a year. The good news is if he relapses again his next trip to rehab is free.

It was 62 years ago today that the D-Day invasion took place.

Those were the days, back when invading a foreign country was fun.

Yesterday in Washington, D.C. a guy jumped the fence at the White House.

When asked if the president was in his office at the time the Secret Service said “Right – like President Bush is going to work on a Sunday!”

Earlier today President Bush announced that he supports a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

He also announced he supports a ban on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Up in Canada officials say 17 people have been arrested for planning to commit a terrorist act.

They were found with guns, electronics equipment and lots of low cost prescription drugs.

Officials in Canada said that they’ve recently thwarted a possible Al Qaeda attack.

It was part of Al Qaeda’s plan to disrupt the world’s supply of low cost Viagra.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl last week in Africa.

Doctors say Angelina is doing well but it’ll be a few months before she’ll be ready to start breaking up marriages again.

Over in Germany the World Cup started today.

Here’s the deal on the World Cup: 64 games, 32 teams, one champion and zero Americans who give a crap.

Over in Germany the World Cup started today.

Here’s how tight the security is: the German army has secured Poland.

There’s a new video out that shows O.J. Simpson having sex with two women.

O.J. denies that it’s him in the video which seems plausible because the guy in the video doesn’t kill anybody.

Archaeologists in Rome recently discovered the remains of a 3,000 year-old woman.

They said it’s an extremely rare find, because Joan Rivers never goes to Europe.

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