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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 19, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 2:11 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 6/12/06

The following are some of the jokes that I submitted to the Late Show during the week of June 12, 2006, but which were rejected.

We’re learning more and more about the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajir.

Here’s what we now know about him so far: he was born in Egypt, trained in Afghanistan and was recently named one of People magazine’s hottest bachelors.

We learned this week that former President Clinton now makes $350,000 every time he makes a speech.

I believe the only time he pulled down 300 large when he was president was when he bagged Monica.

We learned this week that former President Clinton made $7.5 million in speaking fees last year.

He’s doing so well that he went out and bought Hillary a whole new wardrobe of pants suits.

People magazine has named their list of hottest bachelors.

I made the list this year. I was ranked above Andy Rooney, but below Michael Jackson.

Yesterday President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.

It went so well that today he made another surprise visit to a place you’d never expect to see him: the Oval Office.

Yesterday President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.

He spent a few hours with the troops and then came home. It was just like his National Guard service.

Members of Congress have voted themselves a 2 percent pay increase.

That’s not much. That’ll barely pay for a new pants suit for Hillary.

Bad news: the government says violent crime in the U.S. was way up last year.

Here are the categories with biggest increases: murders, rapes and getting shot by the vice president.

Good news: here in New York City murders were down again last year.

The bad news is today the city laid off ten more chalk outline guys.

Celebrity birthdays: Donald Trump turns 60 today.

He’s got the hair of a much younger man – literally.

A High School student in Virginia recently set a U.S. record by memorizing 10,980 digits of pi.

He said memorizing the numbers took up all of his free time when he wasn’t studying, sleeping or getting the crap beaten out of him.

Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Earlier today he got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush.

Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Here’s the deal: he’ll serve for four years – or until we blow up his ass.

Yesterday at the World Cup the U.S. lost to the Czech Republic.

For those who don’t understand the World Cup here’s the deal: if the World Cup were the NBA, we’d be the Knicks.

Celebrity birthdays: The Olson Twins turn 20 today.

They celebrated by having dinner.

Over in Iraq this weekend they performed an autopsy on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to determine his official cause of death.

They say they’ve narrowed down the cause of death to either the first 500-pound bomb that landed on him or the second 500-pound bomb that landed on him.

The U.S. lost to the Czech Republic today at the World Cup.

The good news is the U.S. soccer team was the largest group of Americans to ever see a World Cup match.

It was 12 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered in Los Angeles.

Gee, I wonder what O.J. was doing 12 years ago today?

It was 12 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered in Los Angeles.

O.J. celebrated quietly – he didn’t kill anyone.

Yesterday here in New York City they had the annual Puerto Rican Day parade.

All the floats were stolen from other parades.

Over in Germany the World Cup is underway.

Here’s why Americans don’t like soccer: too many strange rules, not enough scoring and not enough juiced up freaks.

Over in Germany the World Cup is underway.

I love the World Cup because nothing says exciting like Trinidad and Tobago vs. Paraguay.

Over in Afghanistan security forces stopped a man who was riding a donkey loaded with explosives.

Officials say they haven’t seen an ass that loaded since Patrick Kennedy.

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